When does the OW stop being the OW?

[Worldwide2]

Hello all

Due to a couple of other threads regarding affairs with married men and men creating second family's with the 'ow'. It has got me thinking when does everything get forgotten and forgiven? As in when does the OW stop being referred to as the OW and is accepted as exes wife/girlfriend. Is it normal to get over such betrayal and move on without feeling bitter or is hard to not harbour a feeling of resentment for a long time towards them?
When you hear someone being referred to as the OW after a number of years you kind of thing ok let go now it's time to move on but is it so simple actually?
I'm not condoning affairs at all but I do know of people who were desperately unhappy with their then spouse had affairs and are now very happy with the other person. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy or not when it comes off the back of someone else's happiness? I'd like to hear other peoples thoughts on this without it turning into a bun fight of course.

Also this isn't just affairs between married men and women it goes for married women too.

[Wobblysausage]

My ex’s ex will always be the OW to me, and I suppose his new gf will always be the OW to his ex. He’ll always be a horrible, abusive, cheating scumbag so I imagine the next one will be the OW to his current gf and so on and so on.

[driftcompatible]

She's always the other woman. People might - in time - call her 'girlfriend' or 'wife' but she'll always be the other woman in people's mind.

[Namechangeapologies]

Hearts

"but equally there are couples who ended up together because of affairs and who are still together decades down the line"

do you equate the longevity of a relationship as an incontrovertible sign of a happy and successful one?

[Starlight39]

9 years on from splitting with my ex, he's living with the OW in the family home. I'll never forget what they did and I'll never be friends with either of them but she's kind to DS and ex is reasonably happy which makes him easier to deal with. I don't hold any active resentment towards them now and say hello to her if I see her. I don't think she got a prize as I don't think he has been all that nice to her over the years!

[Hattiehottie]

It's also how the parties behave afterwards. Some OW/OM are just vile to the wife/husband because they are insecure and that spills over into treating the children poorly or as if they are a threat. This can cause estrangement between parent and child.

It casts a long shadow over families.

[SilentPanic]

I think it's down to the original wife. I decided to do away with the OW discourse a few months after I ended my relationship due to DPs affair with my best friend. Bitterness and hurt are very heavy burdens to carry and I didn't want my children to have to feel that way.
DP and BF's betrayal hurt me beyond words, but I really do hope they're happy and okay now. I'd rather be in my position than theirs.

[Theraindropss]

I agree OP.

My Dad left my mum with 3 kids under the age of 6 for another woman. He did a really shitty thing, but my Mum never said a bad word about him (or her really).

I grew up and made up my own mind. She was a pretty horrible woman and evil stepmother, but I’m glad my Mum was able to move on with her life.

If my DH cheats on me, I would genuinely want to become friends (or at least get on) with the OW. I probably wouldn’t even tell my children that’s what happens as it really does affect you when your Dad cheats on your Mum.

[Namechangeapologies]

Oh and lastly, I have not read the whole thread and the original post does not appear to give a clue as to the motivation for it (i.e. is the OP an abandoned wife? Is the OP and OW? Is the OP a secret affair partner etc).
But in my mind if you are the other person in an extra marital affair and your married partner leaves their spouse for you, I think it is highly unlikely that you are the sort of person who would be bothered about being called (initially or forever more) the "OW". Just being in that situation in the first place suggests to me someone with a very thick skin/someone who just goes after what they want without much thought for anyone else in the situation. So you would not give a shit that anyone refers to you as "OW".

[Worldwide2]

@HeartsAndClubs
I totally agree with your post, it is in the best interest of everyone to move on. As hard as it is.

[ShuddaBeenMe]

You'll always be the OW

[bigbaggyeyes]

I don't think it ever does. My dh df ran off with his dw's bf
That was about 30 yes ago, they've been married now over 20 years but the adults, who were children at the time, haven't ever forgotten, nor has the exw. Family gatherings are always fun, people are polite to each other, but it's never natural or warm

[Hattiehottie]

Has this ever happened to you OP?

[Worldwide2]

@Namechangeapologies No I'm in none of those categories. Never been effected by a family affair. Like I said in my post there have been a few threads on affairs/ow/second family ect
Just made me think well when is enough enough? When do you move on and stop referring to ow as ow.
From all the posts I think it just depends on the people involved.

[Worldwide2]

No I have never had an affair with a married man, iv not come from a home where my parents have had an affair and my dp has never hadd an affair (well not to my knowledge)

[gwenneh]

Never. If the relationship's origins are an affair then that's what they are -- time doesn't change that.

[Madasa22]

There's been a lot of affairs in my family so this question really made me think.

My dad is still married to the woman he had an affair with, 30+ years ago. I think time has healed to some degree. Although I still dislike her for other reasons she and my father are still happy together. Time heals? His family welcomed her in gradually over the years as they could see my dad was and still is happy. My mum is married to a man 10000000 times better for her than my dad. Mum is totally neutral to them both. She has a much better life now. Life is too short to care about them now.

[Worldwide2]

But I do know of alot of people who have had affairs over the years. Most of them I believe everything is amicable but then I wouldn't know how they truly felt about their ex and ow/partner.

[RedMarauder]

@lots33
Friends and family on both sides confessed to not liking our original parters

This makes it sound like a soap opera.

[bridepanic]

My parents were both married (although no kids) when they met and began an affair. It was very messy at the time I'm led to believe, as it was through work, but they left their spouses, had me and were married for 25 years until my Dad died.

My mum's family were very angry with her (mostly for cultural/religious reasons) for a while, but after a year they forgave her and accepted their relationship and my Dad ended up doing a huge amount for my grandparents both financially and emotionally. They loved him by the end. It caused no problems within work - my father continued to get promotions and be very successful until he retired and they had lots of friends they had met through work.

So for them it took a few years, but quite quickly being the OW/OM became pretty obselete. I think having me helped this speed up, but I don't really know. I find it very interesting as what they did was quite dramatic and bad, and yet it really didn't impact their marriage or how it was viewed much by most people in their lives in the end.

Obviously can't speak for their ex-spouses, but we/they had no continuing contact with them other than financial as there were no children involved.

[Worldwide2]

I always think time is a great healer and you move on. It I don't know shocks me when someone is still harbouring hatred or resentment for something that happened years ago. I think your wasting your energy and headspace on someone who doesn't think about you at all. Don't do it. Live your life. I can't help it.

[SallyWebsterr]

she will be "someone different" to everyone depending on their relationship with her and their moral compass. My DF had an affair 40 years ago, married the OW and had children with her. Still happily married. to my DF she is his soulmate. To me she is my amazing stepmother who loves me. To my dm she is the OW who stole her husband and they have never been in a room together in 40 years. SM wasnt invited to my siblings weddings or family events and steps back from all events where us children would be forced to make a choice between her or DM. Some of my siblings agree with DMs view. To some of my DFs grandchildren she is "Grandma X" and to others she is simply "X", depending on our relationships with her. To my paternal grandparents she was their second daughter in law and lovely. To my DFs brother and his wife, she was the OW and they boycotted the wedding.

[Worldwide2]

@sallywebsterr

That's a good way of looking at it. Yes she would be someone different to everyone depending on how they met her when ect

[SallyWebsterr]

@Worldwide2 I always think time is a great healer and you move on.

I disagree in some cases of OW/OM where children are involved. Some people cant move on if the person is still in their life. My DM views it as stepmum not only took her husband but continued to take her children 50% of the time and steal time from her. She stole half our happy memories and holidays. Also when we had children she was stealing time with her grandchildren. DM became far far more successful financially and career wise than DF did. She remarried within 2 years of DF leaving for OW. A happy marriage. She is far more suited to (equally amazing) SF than she ever was DF. So was definitely not left in a worse position by the divorce. Yet still cannot be in the same room as DF & SM. If you mention SM in passing, even after 40 years, she will seeth and call her a name or be passive aggressive. Despite SM being nothing but lovely to us over the years (I think this made it worse for DM as I loved SM)

[VladmirsPoutine]

Some people can hold on to resentment for a lifetime so I suppose it's all subjective.