Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Is this inappropriate?

105 replies

Isthisinappropriate · 05/10/2021 17:24

Name changed as I asked someone irl and they use this site (and they were horrified I even suggested it, she has a son and couldn't get her head around me thinking this might be a good idea).

I am going for a smear test soon, I had an appointment this week with the person who will be doing my test, and she was absolutely fine with it, but I'm still unsure.

I have a very open relationship with my dds, I've demonstrated to them how they should be checking their breasts, how to use pads and tampons, and they know if they hear a word they can ask me and I'll answer them honestly etc.

My dd is 14 and I'm contemplating taking her with me, maybe not behind the curtain, and definitely up by my head if I do, but just so the nurse can have a chat, show her the equipment and she can see/hear its not a big deal.

The nurse is fine, dd is fine, I do trust that MN will tell me the truth if this is a horrible idea though.

I'm absolutely fine with the tests and they take a couple of minutes, but I was terrified and put my first one off for years and don't want my dd to feel the same way.

Is this an awful plan or is it OK?

I had no relationship with my mother and had an abusive childhood so I never really had a 'normal' amount of guidance and sometimes struggle with that so please be kind.

OP posts:
Chewieboora · 05/10/2021 17:26

You sound lovely OP Flowers

I have no idea though... I can't articulate why. You sound so caring though.

EduCated · 05/10/2021 17:26

I personally think it’s a great idea, if both nurse and DD on board with it. I was not brought up with that level of openness and like you, struggle and put things off through fear.

EduCated · 05/10/2021 17:28

My only thought, on reflection, would be ‘what if something went wrong?’, like when people take kids to a pregnancy scan - what if there’s bad news. But, much less likely I guess?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Women's health
Unfinishednam · 05/10/2021 17:30

While I think it's a good idea for girls to know and to understand what's going to happen and the importance of these things, I think she may be a bit young? I only say this as you don't get your first smear until you're 25. Maybe just explaining how important these things are and explaining what happens would be enough?

SouthSideSally · 05/10/2021 17:31

Great idea. As long as everyone involved is comfortable and happy with it.

Siriisatwat · 05/10/2021 17:32

That’s a fantastic Idea.

Talking as someone who’s mother had to go to church crying when I told her I started my periods (I hid it for a year), you sound like a fabulous mother. It would take any fear away.

I might remember that for when my dds are older.

whatagloriousthingtobe · 05/10/2021 17:34

I don't really see what's wrong with it aslong as your dd is comfortable with it. It's not like you're asking your dd to do it while the nurse supervises !

Talipesmum · 05/10/2021 17:34

I’m not sure I’d take her - but I’d definitely talk about it v matter of factly, casually. I think I’d be horrified to see a speculum at age 14 - I still couldn’t use tampons at that age, and the idea of a speculum going up there would have freaked me out. But by the time I was having smear tests, I was obviously much more used to the concept :-)

Original poster
Isthisinappropriate · 05/10/2021 17:34

Thank you all for being so kind.

The results take a few weeks to come through so I dont think I would be getting bad news on the day, I'm not sure if the nurse would be able to physically see if there's something wrong so I'll do a little research on that as I would hate to inadvertently terrify my poor dd.

I'm not sure if she's too young, I keep thinking she may be, but them she would probably not be up for coming along at 17ish when I get my next one. We went through the leaflet when I got it through, and she asked lots of questions. Maybe that is enough.

Its so difficult, I don't have any family really to bounce ideas off and get a sense of normality. I just kind of make up my parenting as I go along and have been very fortunate with my kids.

OP posts:
SylvanasWindrunner · 05/10/2021 17:35

I think it sounds great. I don't think you'd generally get bad news at a smear itself, would you? And given how reluctant many young women are to go for their smears when the time comes, if your daughter is interested then I'd be grabbing the opportunity with both hands!

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 05/10/2021 17:36

Honestly, I wouldn’t. I had a sod of a smear after which I passed out and then vomited (to add insult to injury, I then got a letter through saying they needed to redo the smearShock).

Every other smear I’ve had was marginally uncomfortable, and slightly embarrassing, so it’s definitely possible to have the kind of bad experience you wouldn’t want your dd to hear/see, even if other smears have been straightforward.

Original poster
Isthisinappropriate · 05/10/2021 17:40

My dd is absolutely fine with the idea, we have a very open relationship. My other dd is a bit younger so I would be looking to possibly doing the same when it's time for my next smear as she will be the same age as my older dd is now.

I would make sure she can leave any time and is comfortable, we are very matter of fact about bodies and what goes on with them so I wouldn't expect her to be freaked out or anything.

If the general consensus is yes then I'll have another chat a day or 2 before my appointment to make sure she still wants to come along, and then just take her.

Thank you all so much, I really didn't know if I was being weird or not.

OP posts:
KittenKong · 05/10/2021 17:40

If you are both comfortable then cool. I would have rather died that so that with my mum (but she never did even get around to having the bird and the bees talk with me).

Original poster
Isthisinappropriate · 05/10/2021 17:43

@Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies

Honestly, I wouldn’t. I had a sod of a smear after which I passed out and then vomited (to add insult to injury, I then got a letter through saying they needed to redo the smearShock).

Every other smear I’ve had was marginally uncomfortable, and slightly embarrassing, so it’s definitely possible to have the kind of bad experience you wouldn’t want your dd to hear/see, even if other smears have been straightforward.

Oh god that sounds absolutely awful Flowers

What went wrong if you don't mind me asking. Was it an inexperienced nurse or something?

Mine have always been totally fine when I eventually started going to them.

OP posts:
MyCatDribbles · 05/10/2021 17:44

To me I would find it inappropriate and weird. She won’t start having smears till she’s 25, why not take her when she’s a bit older and more mature. It’ll be years before she ever needs a smear test, no need to introduce her to it now.

Original poster
Isthisinappropriate · 05/10/2021 17:45

I would rather have died than go with my mum too, quite literally, I also never got 'the talk' had to figure out periods by myself and thought you could get pregnant by kissing until I was 13. I try so hard to get all that stuff right with my kids and never know if it's too much or not enough.

OP posts:
GoWalkabout · 05/10/2021 17:46

I wonder if there is a video online of how the procedure works instead. Honestly, I think it is ok in theory but might backfire in terms of her being a little young, a lot embarrassed or horrified, or just mildly uncomfortable either at the time or in retrospect. I am wondering how on earth my now adult daughter will find it so I can see where you are coming from but I think not yet. Also, how long will smears be around for now they are developing home testing kits and all the children have hpv jabs? She may never need to do it.

LaBellina · 05/10/2021 17:48

Sorry, to me it sounds very inappropriate and strange….but my mother and I have a very weird relationship and she was very weird too about sexual/ female health. It’s nice to hear though you and your DD are so open with each other about these things Smile

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 05/10/2021 17:49

I agree with pp who said being open about the appointment and making it a casual reference to something that just gets done would be enough.

Original poster
Isthisinappropriate · 05/10/2021 17:49

@MyCatDribbles

To me I would find it inappropriate and weird. She won’t start having smears till she’s 25, why not take her when she’s a bit older and more mature. It’ll be years before she ever needs a smear test, no need to introduce her to it now.
I get this. Would it be weirder taking her at 17 or 20 though? I want to destigmatise things like this whilst they are young so it's just not a big deal when they hit adulthood. She may be at university or working or whatever by that point too and I'll have missed the chance. That said, she does understand the importance at the minute so is taking her with me a step too far.

Arrgghh why is getting this parenting thing just right so hard.

Thank you for all your replies.

OP posts:
FindingMeno · 05/10/2021 17:49

I'm sorry but honestly I don't like the idea at all.

DynastyBarry · 05/10/2021 17:53

I'd be surprised if you're allowed to take someone with you due to covid rules.

MissMaple82 · 05/10/2021 17:54

Totally not necessary. I'd say yes if the age for a swear was 16 but it's 25 by which time she's a woman and perfectly capable and grown up enough to understand and not be scared of a smear

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 05/10/2021 17:54

@Isthisappropriate, I was having my coil changed and decided that if they were going to be poking about up there, I might as well get everything done in one go Grin

In retrospect, that was probably a mistake!

TheAverageUser · 05/10/2021 17:55

I don't think there's anything wrong with it but I do keep thinking "ahhhh I wouldn't have wanted to see my mum get a smear test" but maybe that's my own stuff Smile

I can't see what's to be gained from telling her the experience to her being there to be honest but whatever your DD would prefer maybe?

Swipe left for the next trending thread