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Original poster

Is this inappropriate?

105 replies

Isthisinappropriate · 05/10/2021 17:24

Name changed as I asked someone irl and they use this site (and they were horrified I even suggested it, she has a son and couldn't get her head around me thinking this might be a good idea).

I am going for a smear test soon, I had an appointment this week with the person who will be doing my test, and she was absolutely fine with it, but I'm still unsure.

I have a very open relationship with my dds, I've demonstrated to them how they should be checking their breasts, how to use pads and tampons, and they know if they hear a word they can ask me and I'll answer them honestly etc.

My dd is 14 and I'm contemplating taking her with me, maybe not behind the curtain, and definitely up by my head if I do, but just so the nurse can have a chat, show her the equipment and she can see/hear its not a big deal.

The nurse is fine, dd is fine, I do trust that MN will tell me the truth if this is a horrible idea though.

I'm absolutely fine with the tests and they take a couple of minutes, but I was terrified and put my first one off for years and don't want my dd to feel the same way.

Is this an awful plan or is it OK?

I had no relationship with my mother and had an abusive childhood so I never really had a 'normal' amount of guidance and sometimes struggle with that so please be kind.

OP posts:
Diversion · 05/10/2021 20:16

Encouraging her to check her breasts and talking about periods etc is great. I hope that you have also spoken to her about sexual health and contraception. I wouldn't take her with you as she will be 25 before her first smear, but would either print her off some information or see if your GP has a leaflet on cervical smears which you can give to her. You can reassure her that it does not hurt but can be a little uncomfortable. It would only take a rough handed nurse to make you gasp or squeal and your daughter hearing it could then be concerned about going in the future. Please do make sure that she accesses her HPV vaccine when the time comes too. I have four adult children and all of them had periods, sexual health and contraception discussed and knew that they could ask me anything including my son.

DukeofEarlGrey · 05/10/2021 20:27

@DukeofEarlGrey

I find it a little excessive but I guess that could be my own self-consciousness. I do agree with the importance of normalising smear tests and think that an open conversation and the youtube video (or another similar one, I find Zoella irritating but that's off topic!) would be the perfect solution.
I take it back. I just watched a bit of that video and think it was a really good thing for her to do and that she handled it well - nice and straightforward and not cringey at all. Much more value that all her years of vlogging about makeup and shopping! Particularly nice touch that they timed the actual smear and showed it takes less than a minute all-in.
dontgobaconmyheart · 05/10/2021 20:28

I think its obviously the right thing to foster normality around the body and health and things like smears which are life saving. Developing a sense of agency in your DD and a lack of embarrassment about certain parts of the body over others when it comes to health, is absolutely right. Does her being at your shoulder while you get a speculum inserted aid in that? I genuinely don't know. I probably wouldn't see the need in case it backfired in some way now or in the future. If it's been got right she will go either way when she is of age and will know the symptoms she needs to look out for.

At the end of the day not everyone finds it pain free or trauma free for a number of reasons and that is just as valid a discussion as 'it's so easy, feels like nothing, over in a flash'. The core message is that its important to attend and recognise symptoms. By doing that and by being aware you are is enough. I had my last smear under GA, which was also fine. Bodies are different and women are different.

I also am unsure now is the time to take extra bodies into health buildings for non treatment reasons when the info and equipment can all be seen online.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Women's health
Pythonista · 05/10/2021 20:36

I would genuinely have been traumatised. There's a fine line between normalising things and being too involved.

Moonface123 · 05/10/2021 20:37

I don't think there is anything wrong in it, it's just another appointment, it's really important young girls understand how important it is to have these procedures when older, and l would think seeing you at ease with it being done, would take away some of the otherwise perceived anxiety about it all.
It wouldn't be a big deal for me personally, we should never be of ashamed of our bodies or the need to keep them healthy.

drpaddington · 05/10/2021 20:42

I don't think there's anything wrong with taking her, as long as everyone involved is happy with it.

But I do think you've probably done enough already- the fact she's read the leaflet, she's asked questions, and you clearly have a great, open relationship- I expect that all means she's got the message and understands the importance. At 14 that's really great! And when she's old enough for her smear I'm sure she'll know she can come to you if she's worried etc.

toocold54 · 05/10/2021 20:46

You can’t have a smear test until you’re 25+ so at 14 I don’t think there’s any point in her going. I also think it’s an age where if something did go wrong it may really scare her, whereas if she was older then she would be able to understand better.

Honestly I think what you’re doing is lovely and really trying to be there for her, but you really don’t need to try so hard. Just let her come to you with any questions if she has them. If she wants to know what happens during a smear test she can just google/YouTube it nowadays.

SparklingLime · 05/10/2021 20:48

No. She’s way too young, and I don’t think this is the way to reassure her about her own smear tests.
It blurs boundaries in some way. She can talk to a nurse when it’s her time and look at equipment then if she wants. It’s putting too much emphasis on the whole thing to involve her in your check now. I think you’re focussing too much on your own initial fear and postponement.

loafcake · 05/10/2021 20:58

This is a great idea, I always love hearing of instances where women in particular can break down social boundaries and open conversations!

If she's fine with going I don't see the problem at all, she's 14 so that age she will be thinking of these things that will be happening to her in the future! Especially the types of things people just don't talk about, like smears, and women's health, and periods etc etc. It's a great opportunity for her to see the nurse/doctor and ask questions as you say!

Really don't think you're at risk of "traumatising" her like some other replies 😂

I'll be keeping this in mind for when my daughter is older!

Yesitsbess · 05/10/2021 21:03

I think you're doing the right thing, everyone is comfortable with it and you've discussed what to do if she feels uncomfortable.

My daughter and I are very happy talking to each other about this sort of thing and she's got the confidence to tell me when she's worried about something to do with her body, which could be a lifesaver one day.

Original poster
Isthisinappropriate · 05/10/2021 21:35

Thank you all for your thoughts, I keep swaying between not wanting her growing up afraid and feeling like I'm just too much.

I think I'll show her the video and then have a chat and see where we go from there. If she wants to come, she can, if she feels OK then I won't mention it. Does that sound OK?

I wouldn't think twice about taking her for any other appointments at all, but I am possibly trying too hard to normalise things that I struggled with growing up.

I really do appreciate you all for chatting with me and helping me with this. Its so hard to try and get the right balance.

OP posts:
QueenOfCakeandCoffee · 05/10/2021 23:10

I started getting smears at 15 (have no idea why) I think it’s a brilliant idea, I don’t think she is too young - it won’t be that long before she’s having sex and potentially will need one for sexual health checks.

Tempusfudgeit · 05/10/2021 23:42

Please be her Mum, not her best pal. That means giving (and having) some privacy each. Taking your teenage daughter to a smear test is not an appropriate dynamic, as far as I'm concerned. You can be open, approachable and an educator ... without putting her through this.

SparklingLime · 06/10/2021 08:57

Why would she grow up afraid, @Isthisinappropriate? Are you aware you may be projecting your own past issues into her?

Original poster
Isthisinappropriate · 06/10/2021 09:04

15 is very young for getting a smear test. I started getting invites at 25 but didn't go for years. I wonder why that was.

I hope I'm not coming over like I want to be her friend rather than her mum. She has lots of privacy, and if she is ever uncomfortable with a conversation or situation and says no to anything I fully respect that. I don't feel it would be something I'm 'putting her through' at all, just trying to help her with things she will have to do in future and trying to make her as comfortable with things as I possibly can.

My thinking was that it's just a body part that she needs to keep healthy, as pp said I take her to the dentist, I have taken her when I've needed blood tests etc.

I want to strike the right balance of showing her certain things are essential and not really a big deal, and not being too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisinappropriate · 06/10/2021 09:07

@SparklingLime

Why would she grow up afraid, *@Isthisinappropriate*? Are you aware you may be projecting your own past issues into her?
I'm absolutely aware of that, thats why I asked for advice.

However I do know lots of people who are afraid of having smear tests, I don't think its unusual to be scared of getting one done, especially considering the low uptake for them.

OP posts:
SuperstarDog · 06/10/2021 09:07

I want to strike the right balance of showing her certain things are essential and not really a big deal, and not being too much.

If she wants to go with you, I’m sure she’ll be fine but I’ve never known anyone take their daughter with them. I think it’s unnecessary, talking openly about things like this is enough I think.

goingtotown · 06/10/2021 09:15

Totally unnecessary to take your DD. It’s a normal procedure for women, you’re making it a big deal.

PingoPingoPingoPingoPingoPong · 06/10/2021 09:18

I think normalising it is talking about it openly and honestly like any other conversation
Taking her with me into the room is a bit too far for me. I don't see why it would benefit her

NatashaRf · 06/10/2021 09:23

It's a great idea if your DD wants to go.

My daughters are younger. But I'm very open about nudity, periods etc. And when I had a recent smear I told my 9 year old in an age appropriate way what I had done and why.

Smears are important and I don't want my DC not being able to ask me or tell me anything about their health or any concerns.

junebirthdaygirl · 06/10/2021 09:24

@goingtotown

Totally unnecessary to take your DD. It’s a normal procedure for women, you’re making it a big deal.
I agree that by taking her you are making it into a bigger deal. It would be fine to just say l'm off to have a smear test at the doctors and be back in an hour. It's no big deal and by attaching drama to it you are multiplying it. Imagine her telling her friends and they all having a big reaction building it up into something. I genuinely had no issue with it when it came to getting it as l was quite relaxed with my body but most especially with doctors/ hospitals etc. Being chilled about these things yourself is a far bigger stronger message. Leave her be 14.
Peanutbuttercupisyum · 06/10/2021 09:32

Tbh I don’t really know why you’d need to?? They don’t need to see their mother having one to know it’s a harmless medical procedure that every female goes through once they’re 25. If, 10 years down the line, she’s concerned, then just explain to her then what happens.

I think a smear test to a young teen looks a lot more scary than it will seem to her when she’s 25 and a grown up.id have been been horrified at the thought of one at 14, but when the time came it barely registered! I mean everyone i know had had them, it’s a normal thing and by that point other people besides my mother had seen me naked.

Doomscrolling · 06/10/2021 09:44

I don’t think it’s a good idea.

You’re clearly a lovely caring mum wanting the best for your daughters, and equipping them with life skills. That’s great and I respect you for it.

However, not all smears go smoothly. I’ve had some that lasted a moment and were totally fine; others that took multiple attempts, calling in a second nurse, and some bleeding. It was very obvious I was in pain.

The last thing you’d want is for it to be a difficult smear with your daughter there.

Talking to her and showing her the Zoella clip is all the information she needs.

StrawberrySanta · 06/10/2021 10:02

I get where you're coming from but I don't think there's any need. Noone else goes with their mum's and we all still go for our cervical screening tests

losingmyreligionrem · 06/10/2021 10:18

Amazing idea, as long as you are ok with it - I mean I wouldn't want DD to see you in pain/ put her off/ be nervous etc. so as long as you're cool, brilliant idea. You sound lovely!