Is this inappropriate?

[Isthisinappropriate]

Name changed as I asked someone irl and they use this site (and they were horrified I even suggested it, she has a son and couldn't get her head around me thinking this might be a good idea).

I am going for a smear test soon, I had an appointment this week with the person who will be doing my test, and she was absolutely fine with it, but I'm still unsure.

I have a very open relationship with my dds, I've demonstrated to them how they should be checking their breasts, how to use pads and tampons, and they know if they hear a word they can ask me and I'll answer them honestly etc.

My dd is 14 and I'm contemplating taking her with me, maybe not behind the curtain, and definitely up by my head if I do, but just so the nurse can have a chat, show her the equipment and she can see/hear its not a big deal.

The nurse is fine, dd is fine, I do trust that MN will tell me the truth if this is a horrible idea though.

I'm absolutely fine with the tests and they take a couple of minutes, but I was terrified and put my first one off for years and don't want my dd to feel the same way.

Is this an awful plan or is it OK?

I had no relationship with my mother and had an abusive childhood so I never really had a 'normal' amount of guidance and sometimes struggle with that so please be kind.

She might not even be allowed in with OP

I know some one who actually posted a video of her having it done, she filmed it on her phone and posted it on Facebook. The practice rang her and told her to take it down.

true story.

I think you sound like a wonderful mum!! I'm another one whose mother gave me hang ups about my body and although told me lots of inappropriate stuff about her own gynaecological problems, that totally freaked me out, never gave me accurate information that I needed! No birds and bees talk such that I didn't have a clue about how sex happened. It led to me having extreme fear of internal examinations, problems with vaginismus/sexual intercourse and I was unable to use tampons until after I had my first baby. If your daughter wants to and is that comfortable with you as a mum you have done a great job👍😍

You sound like a lovely mum OP. There are plenty of videos online of women going to their appointment if you'd rather show her one of those instead. Lottie Drynan has one on her Instagram. Hopefully by the time your girls are old enough we would have done away with the speculums and have less invasive testing.

Your relationship sounds lovely, but there's a small chance it may have the opposite effect of what you're trying to achieve. For eg. Can you remember when you first heard about intercourse and wondering how a penis fits into a vagina & being a bit alarmed about the whole business? It would be a great idea for you to take her when she's 17,18,19 & the concept wouldn't come across as scary. In the meantime if you casually refer to it as something all women do & it's no big deal, that should be enough.

Smear tests are something that I will discuss openly with my DD when the time comes, I'm open with her now, and have explained periods, the proper name for her tootie and so on. She's still very young, but I do agree that we need to demystify and explain medical matters to our children.

Perhaps take her to the appointment, she can stay in the waiting room if allowed, that way she'll know its a quick procedure and that it doesn't hugely impact the rest of your day.

I don't think they'll thank you from a covid POV.

If your daughter wants to then there’s nothing wrong with it. I think it’s a bit pointless though. I’m not sure what she would gain from it that she wouldn’t get from you just talking to her about it.

@lachy

Smear tests are something that I will discuss openly with my DD when the time comes, I'm open with her now, and have explained periods, the proper name for her tootie and so on. She's still very young, but I do agree that we need to demystify and explain medical matters to our children.

Perhaps take her to the appointment, she can stay in the waiting room if allowed, that way she'll know its a quick procedure and that it doesn't hugely impact the rest of your day.

"the proper name for her tootie"

You can say it to your child but not to adults on MN. Wtf?

Thank you all.

You've given me a lot to think about.

Thanks to those who have said I sound like a lovely mum too, it means a lot to hear that, their dad and his family/girlfriend tell me I'm a failure all the time, as does my own mother when she manages to get contact details every now and then. My dds tell me I'm great all the time but its so lovely to hear others say it.

I won't go into details but my first experience of sex was when I was very young and I had no idea what it even was and it effects me to this day. This is why I have such a paranoia about getting this stuff wrong with my girls. I'm totally aware I have one chance to get this right and I do overthink things a lot. I'm so conscious of giving them issues that I'm probably creating a whole different set of issues.

My dd is not body conscious on any level whatsoever, which is great. I'm not really worried about that side of it at all, even though we have a very open relationship there's no way, if she does come in, that she would be down the business end 😂

I'll have a little read if the article posted in a sec, no more smears sounds great, I had no idea they were planning on doing away with them.

Thanks again all

Back to the question.

Yes, I think YABU. The nurse isn't there to show your DD the equipment or have a chat about what's going on. The nurse is there to deliver medical care TO YOU.

I actually feel that this is verging on narcissistic territory on your part "look how cool I am and look at the props I'm using to prove it - my own child and some random nurse."

I can also picture your DD in therapy in the future talking about her mother who so lacked in boundaries she took her along to her pelvic exam. No.

@Isthisinappropriate

Thank you all.

You've given me a lot to think about.

Thanks to those who have said I sound like a lovely mum too, it means a lot to hear that, their dad and his family/girlfriend tell me I'm a failure all the time, as does my own mother when she manages to get contact details every now and then. My dds tell me I'm great all the time but its so lovely to hear others say it.

I won't go into details but my first experience of sex was when I was very young and I had no idea what it even was and it effects me to this day. This is why I have such a paranoia about getting this stuff wrong with my girls. I'm totally aware I have one chance to get this right and I do overthink things a lot. I'm so conscious of giving them issues that I'm probably creating a whole different set of issues.

My dd is not body conscious on any level whatsoever, which is great. I'm not really worried about that side of it at all, even though we have a very open relationship there's no way, if she does come in, that she would be down the business end 😂

I'll have a little read if the article posted in a sec, no more smears sounds great, I had no idea they were planning on doing away with them.

Thanks again all

Sorry to hear of your bad experiences, have you had any personal therapy with regards to these?

A smear test is not "an experience of sex" and it feels weird that you've conflated the two.

I think you sound like a caring mother with poor early life experiences who could do with a little professional help to prevent you from becoming enmeshed with your own daughters.

I think it's a great idea. Smear tests can be painful and scary and letting her see how you cope, what happens etc is a great way of letting her come to terms with it.

A youtuber called Zoe Sugg did a video and talk with a nurse about having a smear test. Her audience is mainly teen girls and women so it should be okay for her. Your daughter might find it helps her make a decision as to whether she goes with you or not.

@bluerecruit

Back to the question.

Yes, I think YABU. The nurse isn't there to show your DD the equipment or have a chat about what's going on. The nurse is there to deliver medical care TO YOU.

I actually feel that this is verging on narcissistic territory on your part "look how cool I am and look at the props I'm using to prove it - my own child and some random nurse."

I can also picture your DD in therapy in the future talking about her mother who so lacked in boundaries she took her along to her pelvic exam. No.

You really couldn't be more wrong.

I am not using my child and some random nurse to prove I'm cool at all.

I spoke to the nurse and she is perfectly fine with it so isn't being used as a prop.

I am trying to be a good parent to my child and am asking for opinions on how best to achieve that, I'm not asking, nor do I deserve an attack on my character. I have explained why I struggle and have asked for help with that.

I hope whatever is going on in your life to make you feel the need to speak that way to a stranger online improves soon

Isthisinappropriate I haven't attacked you. I've given you my opinion, which you asked for.

Your later update raises more alarm bells with regards to this. I wish you well and I hope you continue to work on yourself. Asking for validation here is probably not the best way to do that.

Sorry to hear of your bad experiences, have you had any personal therapy with regards to these?

A smear test is not "an experience of sex" and it feels weird that you've conflated the two.

I think you sound like a caring mother with poor early life experiences who could do with a little professional help to prevent you from becoming enmeshed with your own daughters.

I had therapy some years ago. I didn't feel it helped particularly unfortunately.

I didn't mean to conflate smears and sex, I probably didn't explain properly. I meant I struggle with finding the right balance with sex education, being open with them about their bodies and things like going for smears in the future because I had no level of education in anything to do with my body at all. This is why I'm unsure about taking dd, I don't know if it's 'normal'or too much.

Thank you for the YouTube clip, I'll have a look. That might be the perfect compromise.

Im not asking for validation, I was asking for opinions, I didn't ask to be told dd would be in therapy because I lack boundries, I didn't ask to be told I'm using dd and a random nurse as props to make me look cool because of my narcissistic tendencies, I simply asked if others would find it appropriate or not. I'm trying my best and asked for help and your post was really uncalled for.

@Isthisinappropriate

Im not asking for validation, I was asking for opinions, I didn't ask to be told dd would be in therapy because I lack boundries, I didn't ask to be told I'm using dd and a random nurse as props to make me look cool because of my narcissistic tendencies, I simply asked if others would find it appropriate or not. I'm trying my best and asked for help and your post was really uncalled for.

I didn't tell you any of those things.

I said "I feel" and "I can picture".

Do you know where you begin and end with respect to other people? Can you do more work on this?

It’s a great idea to normalise smear tests

Definitely great idea to normalise smear tests. I can’t imagine she’ll get more out of it in person that watching a video though. I remember a friend at uni who went for a smear and had absolutely no idea what was involved, she thought they did it with a cotton bud and when she saw the speculum she rain out of the drs in horror! Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to educate your child.

My dd would be mortified at the very suggestion of attending such an appointment with me. She wouldn't like me being there to watch her being examined either. If she's happy then fine, but I find it a very odd thing to do, sorry.

@Isthisinappropriate I personally think this is a fab idea. I had quite an open relationship with my mother, she was maybe a bit more encouraging in some areas than I will be with my own daughter (currently 3yrs old and another due in 10 weeks).

I’m definitely stealing this idea and bringing them along when they’re older. It’s shocking how many women miss out on these checks so anything I can do to ease their minds I would do! Even if it meant going with them for their first ones !

If all three of you are fine with it then why not? It's just a minor medical procedure. Anything that normalises smears for young girls is a good thing. It would be different if you were pressurising her.

*I didn't tell you any of those things.

I said "I feel" and "I can picture".*

You know exactly what you said and why, don't pretend you aren't just being a prick because the op called you out on it. You basically told her that her daughter will need therapy because of her mother.

I went with my mum once (younger than 14 and due to lack of childcare i assume). It did not leave me needing therapy and I have never been scared of smear tests. Didn't occur to me to think it was a big deal until I read some of these posts. I think it's fine if you're both ok with it.

I find it a little excessive but I guess that could be my own self-consciousness. I do agree with the importance of normalising smear tests and think that an open conversation and the youtube video (or another similar one, I find Zoella irritating but that's off topic!) would be the perfect solution.