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Original poster

Is this inappropriate?

105 replies

Isthisinappropriate · 05/10/2021 17:24

Name changed as I asked someone irl and they use this site (and they were horrified I even suggested it, she has a son and couldn't get her head around me thinking this might be a good idea).

I am going for a smear test soon, I had an appointment this week with the person who will be doing my test, and she was absolutely fine with it, but I'm still unsure.

I have a very open relationship with my dds, I've demonstrated to them how they should be checking their breasts, how to use pads and tampons, and they know if they hear a word they can ask me and I'll answer them honestly etc.

My dd is 14 and I'm contemplating taking her with me, maybe not behind the curtain, and definitely up by my head if I do, but just so the nurse can have a chat, show her the equipment and she can see/hear its not a big deal.

The nurse is fine, dd is fine, I do trust that MN will tell me the truth if this is a horrible idea though.

I'm absolutely fine with the tests and they take a couple of minutes, but I was terrified and put my first one off for years and don't want my dd to feel the same way.

Is this an awful plan or is it OK?

I had no relationship with my mother and had an abusive childhood so I never really had a 'normal' amount of guidance and sometimes struggle with that so please be kind.

OP posts:
BatFinksWings · 05/10/2021 17:55

Seems a bit weird to me? I have a close relationship with both my kids but honestly, some things can just be 'tell' as opposed to 'show and tell.'

MissMaple82 · 05/10/2021 17:55

I actually think your at risk of traumatising her more. It's not something a 14 year old need concern herself with.

Constellationstation · 05/10/2021 17:55

I’m one who thinks it’s a bit inappropriate and strange too. I think you might make it out to be a big deal by doing this and it could potentially backfire and put her off. I didn’t have any preconceptions of what a smear test was like so I wasn’t worried about my first one. I might have been a bit more nervous about it if I’d seen my mum get it done years before.

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Women's health
AltitudeCheck · 05/10/2021 17:55

I think it's a great idea and you sound like a very cool mum! As long as she wants to go with you then absolutely fine to have her there.

Coronawireless · 05/10/2021 17:57

I think it’s overstepping. You’re entitled to your privacy and so will she be when she is older. You can explain to her about it if you think it’s something she’ll be interested in at 14 and she can join you for a hot chocolate afterwards.

mirijones · 05/10/2021 17:58

Great idea!

MissMaple82 · 05/10/2021 17:58

Cool or cringey?

MyCatDribbles · 05/10/2021 17:59

@Isthisinappropriate given how open you are with your daughter, which is great, I doubt very much she’ll have a problem with a smear test when she needs one. No need to actually bring her along with you when she’s a child. I just don’t think there’s any need for it.

Idontlike · 05/10/2021 17:59

I had a very open relationship with my DM.
However, I think being told the information is one thing. Being in a room knowing your DM is having a speculum inserted into her vagina and having someone peering at her cervix is really quite grim.
It’s weird at any age.

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 05/10/2021 18:00

This is the kind of thing that will always be fine for some people, super weird for others. Totally depends on individuals/relationships. I guess the tricky thing is, you can’t predict which way it will feel to your dd when she looks back on it later.

I don’t personally think it sounds inappropriate — but for that reason of it being so different to different people, I’d hesitate to try it with a 14yo.

I do NOT think you are weird for considering it though. I think you’re brilliant to be thinking about this stuff so carefully.

Original poster
Isthisinappropriate · 05/10/2021 18:10

[quote Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies]@Isthisappropriate, I was having my coil changed and decided that if they were going to be poking about up there, I might as well get everything done in one go Grin

In retrospect, that was probably a mistake![/quote]
I've heard similar horror stories about the coil. I've never had one myself for that very reason. Poor you Flowers

OP posts:
Mumteedum · 05/10/2021 18:12

Nah, I wouldn't. I think being open is great and talking is great but it would just feel icky to me. But you know your daughter. Maybe just being brought up in an environment that allows her to talk and be open will encourage her enough.

I never worried about smears and have had them since 18. The only one I remember was when the nurse and the practice were so soppy about it and not as clinical. They warmed the speculum and it was all soft pinks and fussy. Made me feel cringey and uncomfortable. If I'm there for a medical procedure, I just want it to be clinical not like a spa experience. I think the level of big deal being made is a bit off putting but...that's just me.

Bamaluz · 05/10/2021 18:13

As a pp pointed out it may not be allowed at the moment anyway because of covid rules

Original poster
Isthisinappropriate · 05/10/2021 18:14

Dd is fine about the possibility of coming along, she is generally quite interested in medical stuff anyway.

Thank you for all your views, this is pretty much the argument I'm having with myself, my biggest fear is my kids being scared of something like this, or being unable to talk to me about things they don't understand, and I do think a lot if my parenting is actively trying to counteract my upbringing and the way I felt as a kid.

Cool or cringey?

There's no need to call me cringey, I'm a mum trying to do my best for my girls and sometimes struggle with the right choices. There's no harm asking for help on a parenting forum. I'm not trying to be cool or cringey, just raise happy, healthy children and asked for some guidance I don't have irl.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisinappropriate · 05/10/2021 18:15

I spoke to the nurse already, she is more than happy for dd to come along to the appointment.

OP posts:
AliceWo · 05/10/2021 18:21

In theory sounds ok - but I barely want to look at a speculum now, let alone at 14.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 05/10/2021 18:30

Brilliant idea and great to teach you DD what happens when you go. It's great for her to learn what happens first hand rather than pick up Mis information from friends and see that it's nothing to be scared of.

I presume she won't be watching the actual procedure itself but at least it's a kind of prep for when she has one.

TedGlenn · 05/10/2021 18:31

You daughter is unlikely to ever have routine smears, so it seems a little unnecessary and possibly counter-productive to me.

www.theweek.co.uk/104153/is-this-the-end-of-smear-testing

MarshmallowSwede · 05/10/2021 18:31

I wouldn’t want to be present for my moms smear test as a teen. My mother was very open and transparent once I got pt a certain age about going to the gynecologist and talking to me about female health appointments, but being at her smear test would just have been very strange and way too much information.

I don’t think teens would want to be in the same room with their mom on a table with her legs spread open. I would have been mortified and embarrassed by this.

shiningstar2 · 05/10/2021 18:33

Personally I wouldn't do it, especially at 14. They are so body conscious at that age and it could have the opposite effect to what you intend. When you are older, more mature, some people do find the procedure 'slightly embarrassing' as a previous poster said. When you are 14 everything is magnified. I taught teenage girls for many years and the 14 year olds [year 9/10] were notoriously drama queens about everything, Friendships, routine vaccinations, periods. In general they were far more mature a couple of years later. I think you are wise in taking a matter of fact approach to talking about smears but I personally would leave it at that Smile

Puffinhead · 05/10/2021 18:34

I’m close to my teen girls and talk openly about periods, sex etc.but I wouldn’t want them there. If anything, I wouldn’t want to put them off.

Ellarain · 05/10/2021 18:36

I think it's a good idea op. I don't have a relationship with my mother. I didn't even tell her when I got my period on my 12th birthday. She noticed 6 months later when my pyjamas were stained. She bought the cheapest sanitary towels for me as she used tampons. It was horrible. I'm really open with my 2 daughters regarding periods and women's health and they can talk to me about anything. You sound lovely and caring.

Verbena87 · 05/10/2021 18:43

Thing one: you don’t have to be normal, whatever that means. Just keep being present and thoughtful - that’s perfect.

Thing two: if nurse is fine I think it’s a grand idea. I had my first smear at 17 after mid-cycle post-sex bleeding and am so glad I did because it was our family GP who is also a uni friend of my mum’s and she really took her time explaining everything and putting me at ease - so not quite the same experience, but a similar in terms of being with someone I knew and trusted who was able to kind of normalise it all so that once I was old enough for the screening programme there were no surprises.

Dilbertian · 05/10/2021 18:43

I'm very frightened of the dentist. As soon as I turned 18 and was no longer taken by my mum, I stopped going. And I paid for it years later.

So when I had dc I was determined that they would not have the fear I have. From infancy I took them with me to all my dental checkups. I showed no fear, appeared completely relaxed. (So much so that when I had to have a procedure the dentist could not believe that I was actually a 'nervous patient', until I started weeping in the middle of the procedure.)

None of my dc have any difficulty going to the dentist.

I don't see the OP's idea as any different. There's no need for her dd to be at the action end, nor for her to see anything more than any woman actually having a smear would see. But just being present, chatting calmly, seeing her mum being totally chilled about it, could be a very positive experience for her.

And if she does want to see the speculum, then why shouldn't the nurse show her one? At my ante-natal group, I was the only MTB who wanted to see the forceps. All the other women were frightened of them, considered them something out of a horror story, and didn't want anything to do with them. I was also frightened of them, having only heard negative things about them, and visualising my chunky salad-servers from the description. So the midwife took dh and me aside and showed us a set. Oh! They were much smaller than I had thought! Instantly less worrying. Seeing the forceps removed a fear.

Lennybenny · 05/10/2021 18:47

Not necessarily at 14 but I think its a good idea. I have 2 ds and have always encouraged checking and talked about the things they need to know as boys and how to help young ladies. As it's literally a 2 min thing and your dd iis fine I don't see a problem. It's not like she's down the business end and let's face it....if you had nowhere child she could easily be in the room if you gave birth. Plus children are sexually active much earlier and that means a smear should happen earlier. Best she knows how easy it is now and never find it an issue and put it off as its an unknown.

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