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How do I get through the next 7yrs

142 replies

Sunnyreception · 01/10/2021 15:48

Name change!
My daughter has just started reception, hadn’t been able to view the school before due to covid. The school is highly rated and is the closest to us, it really was always a given she would go there. We’re in London so I’m used to a mix of people: races, classes etc.
Looking however around the school today for the first time, meeting the other parents (I appreciate this isn’t the point of school)- it struck me there is not one parent I could mesh with. The school is in a rundown area, and it’s apparent there is little social diversity, they all have 3-4 children and counting, the aggression of one of the mothers when I attempted to speak to her was ……interesting.
Any tips tor surviving the next 7years or do I have to move?

OP posts:
Atla · 02/10/2021 10:04

I'm in Not-London, have 3 kids and work Hmm I'm not that much of an anomaly surely?

Anyway - you don't need to be friends with parents to organise playing after school or parties, child makes friend, asks and you say yes or no. That's usually how you get the nodding acquaintance with people over time.

My youngest is P2 (year 1) now but when they were all smaller I hardly ever had any kids round - they used to play with others at activities or with kids of our friends, at play grounds etc.

Your DD is very young still and it's a big change to send her to school and it's natural to worry about her. Remember you aren't seeing all the parents at the school gates, just a few of them - the likes of me is only there 1-2 x week, rest of the time it would be after-school club or DH or occasionally grandma.

FakeFruitShoot · 02/10/2021 10:08

I have 4 kids, am unambitious and have always lived within the same mile or so squared. I'm a fucking lovely person and you'd be lucky to have the chance to "mesh with" me Wink

In all seriousness OP, yiu don't have to "find your tribe" on the school run, no matter what Motherland tells you. It is ok to just bumble in and out and collect your kid. I'm sure you'll have a couple of extra curriculars on the go soon for your little one, and they're more of a self selecting group with common interests (eg parents of kids who go to Scouts are usually quite outdoorsy) I wonder if you'll also meet parents in smaller, less overwhelming groups at parties and things and they won't seem such a homogenous blob.

Biscuits1 · 02/10/2021 10:33

If you are not happy with the school then its best to start the ball rolling whilst DC is in reception. As most open days are going ahead this year, I would go to them first and then decide which school you would prefer. I think friendship groups only form properly in Y1 so DC wont be disadvantaged by moving schools in the first year.

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Makelovenotpetrol · 02/10/2021 10:42

In OPs defence about the school being in a run down area, that doesn't mean that she lives in a run down area as well.
She's in London and London doesn't work like that. For example, at one end of Battersea high street is the most deprived post code in the UK. At the other end , a mere few hundred metres down the road is Prince George's and Charlotte's school, and a very posh French private school.

Both ends of the very short street would both be in the same catchment area for the local state primary.

However OP, I lived in a similar area in London, I lived at the "naice" end of my street and there was a "run down" end. And at that end was a massive estate and the children's center. And I loved going there and my DD did. And I made some really good friends there. People are people. It's irrelevant what "end" of the street they're at. There are less wealthy people who are lovely and there are less wealthy people who are dicks. There are wealthier people in the not run down end of the street who are nice, and there are plenty of wealthier people who are dicks!

I'd get it out of your head what people appear to look like, or what part of the area they live in, and look for people who are just genuinely nice people.

As I said in my previous post though.. your attitude isn't very nice either and if I saw you on the school run judging everyone like that, I would be saying I wouldn't be able to mesh with you!!

VladmirsPoutine · 02/10/2021 11:12

When you say lack of diversity does that mean in terms of class and race? So there's loads of say Asian kids or Black kids or White kids who's parents are on benefits and ostensibly spent their adult lives popping out babies?

If it rattles you this much then you're going to have to find an alternative. It's interesting to note that as a society we bang on so much about the need for equity, equality, diversity and inclusivity but truth be told the OP and countless others demonstrate that they'd rather a society in which everyone knew their place and acted accordingly.

lollipoprainbow · 02/10/2021 11:31

Let's not be disingenuous. Most of us group together with people who are similar to ourselves. I recently had a social gathering with a middle class mum friend of mine... her friends were all middle class, well educated types. There's a group of mums at my DC's school who are from the other end of the social spectrum shall we say. Birds of a feather stick together

Jees what a snobby post

Queenie6655 · 02/10/2021 11:32

@Mariell

Homeschool and then the only riff raff you have to mix with is yourself.
Took the words from my mouth
coffeeisthebest · 02/10/2021 11:55

When I start thinking about things along these lines at school I try and remind myself forcefully that it's not about me it's about my child. My child goes into the school to learn and make friends, anything else that goes on there is pretty periphery.

Comedycook · 02/10/2021 11:57

@lollipoprainbow

Let's not be disingenuous. Most of us group together with people who are similar to ourselves. I recently had a social gathering with a middle class mum friend of mine... her friends were all middle class, well educated types. There's a group of mums at my DC's school who are from the other end of the social spectrum shall we say. Birds of a feather stick together

Jees what a snobby post

What's snobby about it? It's absolutely true. Most people are friends with those who are similar to themselves.
Sunnyreception · 02/10/2021 12:22

@VladmirsPoutine

When you say lack of diversity does that mean in terms of class and race? So there's loads of say Asian kids or Black kids or White kids who's parents are on benefits and ostensibly spent their adult lives popping out babies?

If it rattles you this much then you're going to have to find an alternative. It's interesting to note that as a society we bang on so much about the need for equity, equality, diversity and inclusivity but truth be told the OP and countless others demonstrate that they'd rather a society in which everyone knew their place and acted accordingly.

No I’m actually pointing out the lack of diversity
OP posts:
Sirzy · 02/10/2021 12:28

Something seems to be missing from your posts. Is your daughter happy at school? Surely that’s the key thing

Camblewick · 02/10/2021 12:55

Tends to be that 2 groups of people that have more than two children (yes these are generalisations- maybe it’s London specific) but tends to be those at one end of the pay scale and the extreme other end.

Goodness @Sunnyreception I had NO idea that anyone at all judged me in this way because I have three children. Would never have crossed my mind.

Makelovenotpetrol · 02/10/2021 13:08

@Camblewick

Tends to be that 2 groups of people that have more than two children (yes these are generalisations- maybe it’s London specific) but tends to be those at one end of the pay scale and the extreme other end.

Goodness @Sunnyreception I had NO idea that anyone at all judged me in this way because I have three children. Would never have crossed my mind.

I've got two children but I did have three as one died. So it's a bit harsh to know that OP wouldn't judge me as she sees my family now but would do had I still got the number of kids I should have.

As it goes OP, other than having PTSD and will be grieving my child for the rest of my life, im the same person with the same values irrespective.

Motnight · 02/10/2021 13:10

Welcome to Mumsnet, Op

longwayoff · 02/10/2021 14:18

Oh do try to make friends with some of the mums, they'd love to be sneered at and patronised by you. Who wouldn't?

merryhouse · 02/10/2021 17:37

If it's a half-way decent school in a place like That London where everywhere is hideously oversubscribed and house prices are ridiculous, it's quite unlikely that you're the only person with an education who's moved into the area.

I suspect that PP are right and you've only seen the non-waged parents (the others have managed to get their first Proper Look at the school on a different day to you). I may be wrong but I suspect in London non-waged parents fall into two distinct groups only one of which is represented at your school Grin

My boys went to a primary school which had two definite groups of parents - the ones who were, or had been, associated with the university and the Long-term Locals, some of whom were not particularly pleasant characters. Neither child had any social problems caused by the other kids, and I did spot the parents I had most in common with.

Spent most days for a few years desultorily chatting to one of the Locals - though she wasn't an actual local as she'd spent her childhood in the county to the north, and she was considered The Posh One in her family; and to another Local who also wasn't a local because he came from Ireland, and was actually the child's grandfather (he's dead now, have a quaff of nectar on me Paul); and to an Iraqi woman whose husband was doing a post-grad course at the university, who spoke English marginally, and whose child arrived at the school in Y1 speaking no English at all and ended up being S2's best friend for four years. Oh, and one of the childminders. Haven't spoken to any of them since, except one meeting with Not-Local Woman in Tesco a few years ago.

I did also chat occasionally to the parents of S1's friends, but most of them worked. The ones I saw most were both nurses (ie shifts). Saw them occasionally since primary school ended - one couple was at secondary school concerts, one turned up to interviews that I was part of as a school governor, the nurse I have met walking to town, one or two in Tesco.

In fact the parent I've probably seen most since the boys left that school - apart from the fellow-governor, whose kids were older - is one of the Locals who has six children (spread over 20 years but I think all the same father) and is now a cleaner at the school.

Still feel a bit guilty about playdates (they can be counted on my fingers) but there you go. Parties weren't a problem. Boys have organised their own social life - S1 was having mixed sleepovers in Y11 and S2 has a girlfriend and a core group of friends who play D&D. I haven't really spoken much to any of those parents even though we have a lot in common!

On that note, a plea: if you do see a parent who looks a bit educated and out of place, could you make an effort? Some of us are painfully shy...

BestZebbie · 02/10/2021 20:10

There are an awful lot of posts here including quite a few suggestions of homeschooling but....what about having the other parent do the drop-offs instead of you automatically feeling that you have to do them all?

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