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Original poster

How do I get through the next 7yrs

142 replies

Sunnyreception · 01/10/2021 15:48

Name change!
My daughter has just started reception, hadn’t been able to view the school before due to covid. The school is highly rated and is the closest to us, it really was always a given she would go there. We’re in London so I’m used to a mix of people: races, classes etc.
Looking however around the school today for the first time, meeting the other parents (I appreciate this isn’t the point of school)- it struck me there is not one parent I could mesh with. The school is in a rundown area, and it’s apparent there is little social diversity, they all have 3-4 children and counting, the aggression of one of the mothers when I attempted to speak to her was ……interesting.
Any tips tor surviving the next 7years or do I have to move?

OP posts:
Autumngoldleaf · 01/10/2021 18:59

Yes but my school is also close to me hello and I ended up here by sheer accident..

madisonbridges · 01/10/2021 19:03

@Sunnyreception

My kids made their friends not me. I never arranged their social life either so your 5 year old arranged their own play date and you bunged them a fiver??!
Play dates. I didn't arrange play dates. My children played with neighbours who didn't go to the same school. They made their own friends at school and occasionally asked if their friend could come round for tea or sleepover - but not at 5, when they were older. I never rang round parents trying to organise a day out between their child and mine. I don't even understand why that's a thing?
21782b7 · 01/10/2021 19:05

@Sunnyreception

My kids made their friends not me. I never arranged their social life either so your 5 year old arranged their own play date and you bunged them a fiver??!
Not everyone does play dates . I never have my children have friends in school. They play with other children in parks etc and family life is busy. Once they are old enough they begin arranging their own social life .

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Fireants · 01/10/2021 20:06

We were sent to an area of London and accommodated there. The first school was so horrific that my daughter spent one day there. The second school, I volunteered for everything and went in 3 days a week to listen to children reading. Then I did 5 days a week doing reading and ‘helping’. This was in the days before TAs. The teachers and children were fabulous, don’t worry about the parents.

Hullbilly · 01/10/2021 20:34

We moved out of the city to the sticks. We had the opposite problem there. People literally fighting to be head of the PTA, hideous amounts of snobbery, grown adults setting very bad examples for their own DC with the levels of bullying they resorted to. I don't know the answer. But don't for a minute think the grass is greener anywhere else.

ZigZagCat · 01/10/2021 20:38

@Mariell

Homeschool and then the only riff raff you have to mix with is yourself.
Ouch Grin
Fireants · 01/10/2021 20:48

@Fireants

We were sent to an area of London and accommodated there. The first school was so horrific that my daughter spent one day there. The second school, I volunteered for everything and went in 3 days a week to listen to children reading. Then I did 5 days a week doing reading and ‘helping’. This was in the days before TAs. The teachers and children were fabulous, don’t worry about the parents.
My daughter is now 40 and can remember her one and only day at school one. She was 8, beaten up, had a nose bleed and everything she had was stolen.
RiverSkater · 01/10/2021 20:51

Two things;

Primary School isn't about you

And

In the words of Ted Lasso

Don't judge, be curious 😆

Fireants · 01/10/2021 20:54

I judged, wasn’t curious in the least.

Fireants · 01/10/2021 20:57

You can tell I’m still a tad emotional.

RiverSkater · 01/10/2021 21:04

@Fireants

I judged, wasn’t curious in the least.
That was directed at the OP not at else's experiences, nor to minimise anything you and your daughter went through at all 😕
RisingSunn · 01/10/2021 21:13

I'm slightly confused about the relevance of having 3-4 children?

wincarwoo · 01/10/2021 22:03

@Sunnyreception

I never ever said people were horrible- my whole point is that they aren’t diverse, I’m sure I’d feel the same in a very posh private school - it’s not that anyone is better or worse than any other
Is it Marian Vian?
liveforsummer · 02/10/2021 08:20

My dc go to a school in a very middle class area and tbf its cliquey there too. It's how playgrounds are everywhere- I drop off my dc at breakfast club then collect and leave. One dd has just started secondary and the other is 4 years in. There's never been anything to 'get through'

liveforsummer · 02/10/2021 08:23

Did you never have to host a play date or arrange parties?

You don't need to be best friends with the parents to do either of these things. You frequently don't know the parents at all.

Makelovenotpetrol · 02/10/2021 08:29

Well, I've been really poor with no money spare working 4 jobs to keep a roof over my head, and now am fortunate to have more than enough money due to my DHs job.
I have always been the same person in both situations.
I have friends from when I didn't have any money and friends I've made now.

You need to start looking past your initial preconceptions as I'm sure that many of the moms are lovely.

Of course if you decide to remain this snobbish I would imagine they won't want to be your friend either

MintJulia · 02/10/2021 08:32

Op, don't worry about some of the comment here. Not gelling at the school gate is not uncommon. And school gate gossip can be pretty toxic anyway.

Just smile, be approachable but don't try to initiate conversations. Get on with your day. Maybe there will be play dates that help. It's early days.

Original poster
Sunnyreception · 02/10/2021 08:44

@RisingSunn

I'm slightly confused about the relevance of having 3-4 children?
Tends to be that 2 groups of people that have more than two children (yes these are generalisations- maybe it’s London specific) but tends to be those at one end of the pay scale and the extreme other end.
OP posts:
Skyeheather · 02/10/2021 08:47

At my son's school you only see mainly the SAHP and GP's at the school gates, the kids of working parents go to breakfast club and after school club so you never see those parents.

Of course the parents with 3/4 kids don't work, they childcare costs would be too much much for them. There's nothing wrong with having lots of kids.

My son goes to a nice school in a nice area (just started in P1) and there's one Mum there that I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of. Nobody really speaks to each other at pick up, they're not a friendly bunch, people just collect and go!

I wouldn't change schools because you don't like the parents.

THisbackwithavengeance · 02/10/2021 09:22

I agree with your most recent post OP that London tends to be populated either by the very well off or the very poor as no-one in the middle can afford to live there. But I assume you are unhappy because the school is white working class rather than mixed and middle class which is offensive.

If the school is good and your DD happy, then I would be OK with it. However, don't be so quick to judge these other women based on appearance or number of kids. If you go in with a face on and judgemental attitude then you absolutely won't make friends.

TheGrumpyGoat · 02/10/2021 09:30

Of course the parents with 3/4 kids don't work, they childcare costs would be too much much for them. There's nothing wrong with having lots of kids

I have 3 children and work. My close friend has 4 children and works.

NautaOcts · 02/10/2021 09:35

If there’s truly no one there that you feel have anything in common with you and your daughter then it might be best to move. BUT that would seem pretty unlikely if it’s diverse. It seems early to be jumping to conclusions. And as other pps have said you may not see parents in a similar situation to you that much because they might not be doing pickup.
So give it some time, the main thing is whether your daughter settles in and makes friends she gels with.
If it’s still not working and feeling right after a term then look to move.
But don’t be quick to judge and make assumptions about people.

ZednotZee · 02/10/2021 09:35

I have five DC and we both work FT Confused

Surely the more DC, the more expense and therefore the need to earn a larger salary?

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 02/10/2021 09:35

Never had kids over from school, or at least not until they were old enough to be here without their parents. Only interaction has really been at quick drop off/pick up at school, or at parties outside of the home like bowling where you can certainly make polite conversation for a couple of hours. Never been an issue.

TheGrumpyGoat · 02/10/2021 10:03

@ZednotZee

I have five DC and we both work FT Confused

Surely the more DC, the more expense and therefore the need to earn a larger salary?

Exactly! I can’t afford not to work, as we have 3 children to pay for!
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