Raising a boy in today’s world

[Redredwiney]

Does anyone else look at monsters like Wayne Couzens and wonder what went wrong in their lives for them to turn out the way they did? Or not even murder but harass or sexually assault.

I have a 6 month old, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do to make sure he doesn’t turn out to be a monster, and that scares me. I know I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help but wonder what happened in these men’s childhood, etc. for them to feel so entitled, and how I can make sure my baby grows up to respect women. It’s such a scary world.

I have a lot of worries about this too, with a young DS. Protecting him from the impact of toxic masculinity on his own sense of self is a huge concern too.

I worry about this too. I have an 8 year old DS. All I can do is try and teach him the best I can. I think it's important to talk about consent from a young age, obviously not sex but even just things like hugging.

Same. And I have a DD16 whose male classmates made some horrendous comments on social media after the murder. The school were good and proactive but my DD and her friends were not going to let their behaviour go unchallenged.

I have two 12 year olds, I'm trying to teach them tolerance and respect for women, and more importantly my husband shows them by how he treats me. I'm hoping that's enough as that's all I know to do.

@Theblackdogagain

I have two 12 year olds, I'm trying to teach them tolerance and respect for women, and more importantly my husband shows them by how he treats me. I'm hoping that's enough as that's all I know to do.

^ This.

Plus lots of physical affection and warmth.

Let’s not blame the mother for this, it’s just another form of misogyny.

I have an 11 year old and he is emotionally articulate, considerate and respectful (so far so good) I think you can instil good values by modeling (you and dh) respect, not shutting down anyone's emotions, reflecting on things when they go wrong so you can put a name to it 'I was angry and it got the better of me so I shouted and now I'm sad because I upset you'. Offer the language for understanding himself, model humility and constantly repair your relationship, as in part attention and connect properly even when things go wrong. Never exalt anyone's feelings above another fairness all the way.
I could go on for ages (bit of a pet topic for me) but I'm cooking dinner and I'd probably come across as preachy. 😬

I worry that men today are all positively discriminated against. Much easier to get a role if your ethnic minority woman than white male. They are a very disadvantaged group.

@Lightswitch123

I worry that men today are all positively discriminated against. Much easier to get a role if your ethnic minority woman than white male. They are a very disadvantaged group.

I hope that's a joke.

No. I am confident I am raising my boys to be kind and feminist. I don't take the credit - they came out that way, but I do a lot to encourage it, such as explaining to them how women feel threatened when a man walks behind them on the pavement, and saying they should change sides. Etc

@stairway

Let’s not blame the mother for this, it’s just another form of misogyny.

No of course not, I’m not. I’m not saying blame lies with the mother. You just wonder what went wrong in their life that meant they thought the way they thought and felt entitled to do what they wanted.

Yeah I have a 5 year old.
I hope I'm doing a good job but I've never raised a child before let alone a boy

@Lightswitch123

I worry that men today are all positively discriminated against. Much easier to get a role if your ethnic minority woman than white male. They are a very disadvantaged group.

Please tell me that’s a joke. As a ethnic minority woman who worked my arse off to get to where I am, I can confirm your post is bull shit and I am often have to prove myself and speak loud so I can be taken just as seriously as my white male colleagues.

You should be ashamed of yourself for spouting such hateful nonsense.

I worry that men today are all positively discriminated against. Much easier to get a role if your ethnic minority woman than white male. They are a very disadvantaged group.

Don't feed the trolls guys.

@EmergencyPoncho

Same. And I have a DD16 whose male classmates made some horrendous comments on social media after the murder. The school were good and proactive but my DD and her friends were not going to let their behaviour go unchallenged.

That’s good to hear the school were decent @EmergencyPoncho - there were a lot of rape/murder/misogyny jokes from teenage boys when I was at school, and I’d rather hoped that it wasn’t the same these days. Disappointing, but good on your Dd and friends for calling it out.

I have a ds.

Luckily for me he challenges any behaviour that is inappropriate by any sex. Be that sexual, homophobic, racist or disablist to name a few.

I think all we can do is teach our children respect and tolerance whatever their sex.

I have more fears that on occasions he'll be seen as a monster because he's male. I think that can be a harder battle to fight.

It's not a joke. It's an actual fact. Look it up. White working class males are amongst the most disadvantaged group in this country. We are just all to woke now to be allowed to say it.

committees.parliament.uk/committee/203/education-committee/news/156024/forgotten-white-workingclass-pupils-let-down-by-decades-of-neglect-mps-say/

[quote Lightswitch123]It's not a joke. It's an actual fact. Look it up. White working class males are amongst the most disadvantaged group in this country. We are just all to woke now to be allowed to say it.

committees.parliament.uk/committee/203/education-committee/news/156024/forgotten-white-workingclass-pupils-let-down-by-decades-of-neglect-mps-say/[/quote]
That report is about children, male AND female, who receive free school meals. That is not "working class", that is deprived children. My son is working class and does not receive free school meals.

[quote Lightswitch123]It's not a joke. It's an actual fact. Look it up. White working class males are amongst the most disadvantaged group in this country. We are just all to woke now to be allowed to say it.

committees.parliament.uk/committee/203/education-committee/news/156024/forgotten-white-workingclass-pupils-let-down-by-decades-of-neglect-mps-say/[/quote]
Please show me a report that proves ethnic minority women are more likely to get job roles than white men as you claimed, because this report doesn't say anything of the sort.

Decent men and boys need to call out any and all episodes of misogyny or any other bad behaviour that they see around them. It needs to become unacceptable to men. The more men that do this the quicker change will happen. However, it takes guts, risk and a strong moral conscience to do so which many decent men, despite being lovely on an individual level, don’t have.

Fair enough it was first thing that came up when googled and didn't read it fully. Have a little Internet search- there's lots out there if you care to look. Have read lots on it over the past few years but it's all shouted down as not seemingly acceptable to discuss it in the modern climate where men are evil.

It difficult to prove with discrimination with jobs as there's no national data collection on unsuccessful applications- but is known with higher education etc and there have been many recent examples of job adverts (eg at the bbc below) stipulating female / bame applicants only .

www.google.com/amp/s/www.spectator.co.uk/article/the-lost-boys-the-white-working-class-is-being-left-behind/amp

www.google.com/amp/s/www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/bbc-discrimination-row-advertising-job-ethnic-monorities-b941600.html%3famp

You’re assuming it’s nurture when in fact it’s probably nature. Nothing went wrong in their childhood. They have some sort of mental disorder. Sane people don’t go around committing murders.

I worry about this too. My DS is 5 and is just the sweetest, most sensible, most empathetic little guy. I want him to stay as unblemished and innocent as this forever. The thought of what he'll be exposed to growing up as a male in today's world is horrifying.

He is surrounded by great men, including my DH, and we are doing everything we can in raising him to help him be strong and confident and kind.

Obviously I have worries for my DD but they are very different.

Please @Lightswitch123 start your own thread if you want to discuss this, please.

OP my extensive experience working with offenders including rapists and murderers is that they share a few things. Abusive childhood is common, witnessing violence, unprocessed loss or bereavement, poor parenting (not mothering, parenting), sometimes backed up by inclusion in sexist establishments as well (military, for example but also young in prison, sports even).

Antecedents to the offending are porn and substances. Not causes but antecedents and sometimes excuses.

Sane people don’t go around committing murders.

They absolutely do.