Raising a boy in today’s world

[Redredwiney]

Does anyone else look at monsters like Wayne Couzens and wonder what went wrong in their lives for them to turn out the way they did? Or not even murder but harass or sexually assault.

I have a 6 month old, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do to make sure he doesn’t turn out to be a monster, and that scares me. I know I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help but wonder what happened in these men’s childhood, etc. for them to feel so entitled, and how I can make sure my baby grows up to respect women. It’s such a scary world.

All you can do is raise them to respect women, encourage them to be social and have a wide circle of friends, to communicate how they feel, and teach them not to take themselves too seriously. And to call out all cases of poor behaviour that you see or hear of. If, however, they grow up to murderer then it’s on them not you.

Yes, raising a boy feels like a massive responsibility, it worries me. We talk to DS a lot - he knows all about the patriarchy and why it's a bad thing for boys and girls. He knows there's not one right way to be a man, and is encouraged to express himself in healthy, creative ways. His dad role-models positive masculinity to him, and his big sister's a badass who commands respect.

And we have a family mantra we repeat frequently to them both, which is: "WE DON'T TOUCH PEOPLE WHEN THEY DON'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED."

Hopefully, it'll be enough.

@Lightswitch123

I worry that men today are all positively discriminated against. Much easier to get a role if your ethnic minority woman than white male. They are a very disadvantaged group.

Pahahahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

You are HILARIOUS. I hope that was written in jest.

Shower them in love, keep your boundaries fair and consistent, let them know that they can properly trust you.

Then demonstrate kindness and respect in your relationships with others.

I worry about it because my father was a violent abusive bully - yet my grandparents were lovely (they brought me up from 7). My uncle is one of the nicest men in the world and he and my father were only 12 months apart in age so I've no idea what went wrong with my father.

I'm very bluntly honest with my kids, especially DS1 (21) and DN (20) about a lot of things. We live in a quiet village with lots of dark lanes and the likes and the boys know that walking behind a lone woman will, more than likely, make her scared.
FIL was a brilliant example to them, as are DH and BIL, because FIL used to call other men out quite frequently about anything misogynistic, clamped down on anything sexist within his staff and things like that.

Since it's been age appropriate I've also taken a lot of opportunities when talking about relationships and the likes to point out the fakeness and the dangerousness of a lot of the "common" genres of porn.

I challenge anything DS says that he’s picked up as “everyone says it”. Tonight I challenged an unpleasant phrase that “everyone uses”. It took 20 minutes of discussion but he had to concede that actually it wasn’t a reasonable thing to say and that it was deeply offensive. I can’t guarantee he’ll never use it again, but I hope it will make him stop, think and feel less comfortable with it. I’m certainly not expecting to hear it.

White male privilege was challenged a few years ago and he now realises where I was coming from. He’s now way more aware than he was. School did a great job on consent and we’ve followed it up at hone.

It’s been ongoing from young childhood (he walked down the street pushing a doll in a buggy and DH helped him) and carries on now he’s in sixth form.

Body autonomy, so consent for everything, so from a very young age check on if I do this for anything from brushing hair to putting ointment on or whatever. Offer kisses and hugs and expect the same, we offer hugs and kisses all the time my ds gets (and gives) loads of lovely affection, but it's always on an offer accepted basis so no-one who is not in the mood has a hug or kiss sprung on them, this becomes part of everything, you don't even think about it.

[quote Lightswitch123]It's not a joke. It's an actual fact. Look it up. White working class males are amongst the most disadvantaged group in this country. We are just all to woke now to be allowed to say it.

committees.parliament.uk/committee/203/education-committee/news/156024/forgotten-white-workingclass-pupils-let-down-by-decades-of-neglect-mps-say/[/quote]
This person is a troll. Ignore.

I have two sons and I do worry about the effect of pornography and peer group as they get older (currently late primary), but as a family we are kind to each other, very loving, don’t put up with physical fighting, talk a lot about everything, don’t excuse bad behaviour.
I also know a lot of men and I do honestly believe that the bad eggs are the ones we notice and they are a minority. I will point out when good men do good things and make them think about why sometimes men act in ways we don’t like.
We were watching a show called “SAS survivor” or something and it was full of shouty men and we had a nice chat about why they felt like they could only get people to do things by shouting, what were better ways etc. Their school also talks a lot about how to be a leader, how to stand up for people even against your friends etc so I do feel like a tide is turning.
I equally don’t want mine to feel like the problems of the world are due to men so I always try to point out positive role models as well.

@Lightswitch123

I worry that men today are all positively discriminated against. Much easier to get a role if your ethnic minority woman than white male. They are a very disadvantaged group.

Congratulations! You win the prize for most ridiculous post of the week on MN!

@Lightswitch123

I worry that men today are all positively discriminated against. Much easier to get a role if your ethnic minority woman than white male. They are a very disadvantaged group.

Are you being ironic?

Are you a woman?

Can you explain what makes you think this, if it’s not a joke?

In today’s age I think the most important thing is to talk to them a lot about porn when age appropriate.

As a mother of boys I am more aware than ever that patriarchy, toxic masculinity etc harms boys and men too.
We must fight sex-based stereotypes and toxic masculinity in all its forms. Right from the preschool tractors vs princesses stage. Boys need help and role models to grow into their identity as men who are confident enough to reject toxic masculinity.

You have to admit, Lightswitch has a point

That's why the vast majority of senior board positions as well as the majority of senior politicians are women, and many ethnic women

Oh...

Class is a difficult one which hampers a lot of young white males. However as a population whole it is beyond crazy to think for one second that white males are at any kind of disadvantage compared to other groups

@Ionlydomassiveones

The best thing you can do for your son is to make sure his father or main male role model respects, and likes women. And don’t be a typical female walking stereotype of domestic martyrdom and people pleasing either.

I agree completely with this, in fact I was going to make a separate thread about it yesterday when I read the reports.

My dh has a tendency to misogynistic comments in jest. I speak regularly about how inappropriate it is, even in jest, especially with regards to our ds. Our dd’s and I speak to him about it and explain what is wrong with it. He had a “traditional” upbringing with dad as head of the house and non working mum who did all the chores and was not fully respected. I’m sure this is part of it, they weren’t seen as equal.

I worry about this too. I’m a single mum to a 20 month old boy.

I do think we should be teaching about empathy and consent as early as possible, and avoiding stereotypes like “boys will be boys” or writing off aggression as “he just likes her” - but I also do have major concerns about how commonplace and extreme porn is.

Following... just found out I'm having a boy and feel like a rabbit in headlights about raising him!!

@Mumoblue

I worry about this too. I’m a single mum to a 20 month old boy.

I do think we should be teaching about empathy and consent as early as possible, and avoiding stereotypes like “boys will be boys” or writing off aggression as “he just likes her” - but I also do have major concerns about how commonplace and extreme porn is.

We had a talk from a sex Ed teacher at the DC's school the other day (she was explaining how the new sex and relationships curriculum will be taught).

She teaches at a boys' school, and says ten years ago the question they all asked was about blow jobs. Now, the most asked question is "how many cocks can you fit in one girl's bum?" This is from Y7 boys, terrifyingly.

She believes, and I agree with her, that this is a direct result of the porn industry.

So now I need to have a conversation with my DD and my DS to make sure they both know that what happens in porn bears very little relation to real sex, and they shouldn't feel they have to do it, or get to do it to anyone.

I also think that saying no and meaning it, which is a key policy for being a good parent anyway, is also important. Don't plant the seed that no can become yes if enough persuasion is applied. Apart from the fact that you get a little pest for a child it leaks into their thinking for all sorts of things including other people's boundaries.
Personally I only ever say no if I'm going to stand by that like a rock, so I always say it with damn good reason. When that word leaves my lips the kids drop the rope negate I have never backtracked on it without a fundamental change in the considerations which apply. If they want something I'll say yes if there is no reason not to. Maybe if it depends on something and I'll tell them what that is. But no never ever becomes yes just by them chipping away at my resolve.

Your boy will be fine because you are thinking about this.
I have two boys, an 11 year old and 6 year old. We have lots of conversations about stuff like racism, sexism, etc. We also have age appropriate honest conversations about sex. It helps that DH is a really good, decent man who shows an excellent example to the kids.
My eldest has a strong moral compass. He is well behaved, polite and respectful to everyone. He is also a deep thinker, very thoughtful.
To me the most important thing is to talk with your little boy, to encourage him to talk about his feelings. Some parents give boys the impression that they should hide their sad feelings, or deny they exist and that is very damaging.

No I don’t as I don’t think it’s the mothers fault in these cases 😒

Also we watch TV together and talk about it. So we're watching fresh Prince from beginning to end, it still holds up on entertainment but we get to discuss lots of issues (sex , racism, privilege etc) so they get to understand what it acceptable and isn't. They've picked up that Will only dates pretty girls and treats them badly as he has a different girl every week and that he assumes clever girls are ugly.

@Lightswitch123

I worry that men today are all positively discriminated against. Much easier to get a role if your ethnic minority woman than white male. They are a very disadvantaged group.

What the actual f????!!!!

goodmenproject.com

Hope the link works. This is a good organisation and they send out interesting emails if you go on their mailing list.