Mum's of adult sons, tell me about your relationships

[Cookiejarmonster]

Read the thread on here about gender disappointment and it struck a chord with me and my own personal fears.

Just hoping some mums of adult sons can ease my worries.

Are you close with your adult sons? That's without the prompting of any significant others?

From personal experience adult sons do tend to be closer to their wives families unless their wife isn't close to her own.

I see this with my brothers despite my family being warm/fine. Their wives mums are still the main grandparent for want of a better word.

In my work I see mainly daughters being the ones to step up and organise care for their poorly elderly parents.

Do your sons ring and text you first? Without you having to chase them for contact? Do you ever chat on the phone or have them pop over 'just because?

My biggest fear is having sons who grow up and flee the nest and all contact is chased by me. I never really see it with mums and daughters.

I known the babies sex doesn't matter as children and often sons are very loving towards their mums. However it's more the adult relationship I worry about.

I also know you Foster your own relationship with your children and nothing is black and white. I just don't know of many adult men that are as close to their parents as women tend to be. Looking for reassurances.

I think families where the male role models are involved, responsible and caring will produce sons more like this.

Families where the male role models are distant disengaged men will produce more disengaged adult sons.

My Dh was very involved with his parents, is fully committed to giving time to my parents, prioritises and looks after me, us fully involved in the boys lives.
Their grandads and uncles are the same.

So my boys believe this is what men in families do and I see them already taking those roles on.

@Bananarama21 one of my 3 adult sons spends every Christmas with his wife’s family as it’s what she wants and is expected by her parents. I’ve just had to come to terms with it after years of letting it really upset me. They live overseas but when they visit the Uk always stay with them and I get a token visit. It’s heartbreaking but I’m not going to upset the apple cart by making a big fuss. It’s how life has panned out. I’ve a good relationship with them despite this.
Middle adult son lives overseas with his wife and children and facetimes very frequently and regularly and is much “ fairer” in the respect of sharing their time with both sides of the family. I would say I feel closest to him out of the three boys.
Youngest adult son is single and lives locally, we usually meet up once a week for a chat and lunch.
All brought up the same, all different personalities, I don’t agree that you necessarily reap what you sow, more down to the path they take, who they choose as a partner, but mainly their personalities.

@ToucansToucans

This does seem to be a thing. Is it the fault in women controlling their male partners or is the fault with men for being useless at organising and communicating (or a society/socialisation one?). Do son's keep in touch more if they have strong bonds to their df's fir example. I hope my son stays close to us. But who knows? Be good to know the magic formula for solving this rather than letting history repeat. My db has very little to do with all of us. My df had little to do with his family. My DH mother is dead has been for many years.Im not close to my dm. I just see her through necessity really.

I don’t think there is any magic formula. I’m guessing your Dbro has little to do with your mother for the same reason you aren’t close to her. Add to that the fact he grew up thinking it was normal that your DF didn’t see his family of origin- there is your answer.

Teach your DS now that it is normal for men to stay close to their parents (if you have a male partner make sure he models this - I see your MIL is no longer alive but perhaps get your DH to show your DS pictures of her and talk about things they did together and his love for her etc). You could also talk about her and tell him that she would have loved to have met him.

Welcome any partner he chooses. I’m sure he will stay close.

I have one adult son, 42. We've always got on well, we understand each other. He also had a good relationship with his dad.

I can't say I've ever given it much thought. I'm a fairly 'laid back' person in many respects, as is my son. I didn't have a daughter but assumed I would be much the same with her if I had.

I am close to my adult sons. Eldest lives abroad and we have weekly facetime calls. He has been brilliant at staying in touch since moving away many years ago. He will send whatsapp messages during the week to let me know what he and my grandchildren are doing.
Middle son lives a few miles away and contacts me most days and comes for his dinner at weekends.
Youngest early 20's still lives at home and we have a very close relationship.

My DH and his two brothers were very close to MIL before she passed away. DH is close to FIL and speaks to him often (a lot of it about work stuff I think). DD sees more of my parents as I'm the one with her all day so I WhatsApp call my mum and not my FIL. I think if MIL were still around it would be different though and DD would see a lot more of my in-laws as MIL didn't work so would have the time to call regularly.

I don't have this worry or even think about it. My two sons still live at home, it's just been the three of us since my husband died. We get on really well, work as a team, eldest has a girlfriend of 3 years.
I make sure l still have my own life and expect my sons to do so too, l personally am not close to my own Mum, and know a lot of daughters in same boat, so l don't think it is just a son problem.

I would really like to offer reassurance. I have an adult son in his mid twenties who lives a couple of hours away. Have always been really close, can talk to each other about anything and everything. He messages me regularly about random things and i've just come back from a visit to his where we spent 5 days together having lots of fun! He lives alone but does have a girlfriend and he instigated the visit himself. I do think you reap what you sow when it comes to relationships with your children. I am equally as close to my daughter but am NC wuth my own mother

I dont believe you reap what you sow. Not in a bad way. But its personality that counts. Some kids like being left to get on with their own lives and others want more contact. Both are right for them and as a parent we adjust as we know what our kids are like. I guess its the equivalent of having a non sleeping baby as opposed to one who sleeps 12 hours. When your baby doesn't sleep it kills you to hear someone telling you how their baby sleeps 7-7. You feel you're doing it all wrong, when really its just the way the baby is. Then they grow up and you read oh you reap what you sow, i see my son regularly and he updates me about random things..and you think christ, my son only contacts me very sporadically...until you realise sporadic contact is enough for him just now. It may well change or it might not, but you have to take their lead and not expect or pigeon hole them into something as it suits you.

I have three sons. Two have left home - and one of them has moved a long way from us. The third has graduated university and is working from home.

I still have a very close and warm relationship with all of them. The older two ring up regularly, and we have long chats, and the youngest eats with us in the evening, and we enjoy chatting and watching TV together - he is great company (and he worked as a waiter during Uni, so always clears the plates as soon as we finish eating - very useful - lol).

We didn't see ds1 for over 18 months, due to covid and lockdowns and travel restrictions - and he got engaged during that time. They had intended to come up and see us immediately after getting engaged, but couldn't, due to covid - but they sent us loads of pictures, and we talked every week, so even though they are a long way away, I don't feel like the bond has been broken.

It has changed, obviously - they are adults with their own lives and interests - but when we do see them, the bond is just as strong and affectionate.

I think that, if your kids know you are interested in their lives, and are there to listen to them when they need it, and if you are always ready with a hug or a kind word, then distance doesn't change that, nor does them growing up.

On the other hand, I am not close to my mother, despite being a daughter. She wasn't there for me during my childhood, especially when I was bullied for 6 years at school and she did nothing, despite my going to her in tears. She clearly favoured my sister over me - and as a result, we have a pretty detached relationship. I live over 400 miles from her, we don't speak that often, and I don't feel close to her. She is convinced we are close, though, and I haven't disabused her of that notion, because it would be unkind.

@ssd that’s exactly what I was trying to say! I’d feel very insulted if people thought I’d reaped what I’d sown re my eldest son!

I’ve got 2 adult sons. I’m very close to them both.

DS1 (26) has been in the army for 7yrs. He texts me most days and we FaceTime a lot. He spends most of his leave here and comes home at least one weekend a month if he can. We’ve got a little thing atm where he brings me Percy Pigs because the petrol station he gets his fuel from has an M&S foodhall. If he comes home late, I wake up to Percy Pigs in the kitchen. We’re very similar and have the same sense of humour. He read an article where it said that the more time you spend with your mum the longer she lives, so he sent it to me saying “that’s me avoiding you 🤣”. Unfortunately I’ve not been too well, so when he came home and found out, he put his hand on my shoulder and said “I’ll spend loads of time with you mum so you live forever!”

Last week, a parcel arrived for him. I text him to let him know and he said it was for me. It was a Jo Malone candle with a note saying “Love ya, Mum x”. There was no reason behind it, it was just to cheer me up.

DS2 (24) is a nurse who lives 2.5hrs away with his girlfriend. I speak to either one of them everyday. He’s always been close to me. That’s never changed because he met DDIL. She’s very close to her mum so totally understands our relationship. In fact she keeps begging us to move near them so she can pop in on her days off.

We didn’t see them for about 8 months over lockdown and it was horrible, however one night they said FaceTime you at 8pm, which wasn’t unusual. When I answered the call they were standing on our driveway. I sobbed in his arms for ages.

@Knittingnanny you have unfortunately reaped what your Dil's parents have sown. They expect every Christmas and your son hasn't objected, wanted to Rick the boat or what ever.
Of course it is down to a number of factors not just the boys parents but you are the victim of "a daughter's a daughter for all her life, a son is a son til he takes a wife" even though you haven't raised him that way his in-laws clearly expect it.

My biggest fear is having sons who grow up and flee the nest and all contact is chased by me. I never really see it with mums and daughters.

This is pretty much me and DM. On the other hand DP texts his mum most days.

In my work I see mainly daughters being the ones to step up and organise care for their poorly elderly parents.

In my family, where there were two sons and no daughters, the more local son did step up and did an awful lot for his parents.

While there can be tendencies, they're not absolutes.

@Runningupthecurtains that’s true! I hadn’t looked at it that way! Well, I will be the better person and continue to smile and nod whilst inwardly cursing the in-laws. Interestingly they only have girls and I can only presume the other son in law follows the same “ instructions” as he goes every Christmas too. This particular son has 2 sons and one daughter, I wonder how that will pan out....
By the way I have local adult step daughters and families ( their mum died hen they were young) and they are appalled at this situation, they are so fair and inclusive with their time. I have to hold them back from rocking the boat!

DP is very close to his mum. He’s protective over her and it’s sweet. She is lovely but has her moments, no more so than my own mum! We see DP’s mum every week, she’s very hands on with DD.

@MalagaNights

I think families where the male role models are involved, responsible and caring will produce sons more like this.

Families where the male role models are distant disengaged men will produce more disengaged adult sons.

My Dh was very involved with his parents, is fully committed to giving time to my parents, prioritises and looks after me, us fully involved in the boys lives.
Their grandads and uncles are the same.

So my boys believe this is what men in families do and I see them already taking those roles on.

Not so sure. My XH was a very, very bad father to our son. But our son has a fantastically good relationship with me. It may be that he's trying to define himself as being not like his father. But I think it's also that he's looked at our family, has seen where his father was lacking, and is quite keen not to be quite as crap as his father has been.

I think it's harder to do it this way, if you've not had a good male example set, so I am all the more aware of what a leap he has had to make.

These posts warm my heart! Aren’t our adult sons (and their gorgeous wives) just the bees knees!

I would like to apologise, i didn't mean to cause offence. I just meant that you are more likely to have good relationships with your adult children of either sex if you have formed strong bonds with them as children. I appreciate this is no guarantee for future relationships. Just as you are more likely to go NC if your parents were arseholes when you were growing up!

DS1 - brilliant as a baby/toddler/child
As a adult he hates me and he's never invited me to the shows he did/does
He invites his friends/his age and older and his best friends parent.
He contacts me only when he wants something and I haven't heard from him in 5 months.
No birthday, mother's day or Christmas card - ever.
Hes always preferred other people to his own family my dad was the the same.

Very good relationships with both. Full of fun, lots of laughter, hugs and doing everything together (no father figure so literally everything). Travelled round UK and Europe with barely a cross word.

Made trickier with fairly severe ASD for one so school and anything outside of the home very challenging.

At 17 they suddenly both went exceedingly nasty for 18 months. Rude, ungrateful, hugely critical, know-alls - telling me how to drive (when they couldn’t!) and so on.

From about 18.5, back to normal. I went out for breakfast with DS1 this morning and to a National Trust place with DS2 this afternoon. Looking forward to going to the football on Saturday.

Only once did it hit me that I will never have a daughter. I went over to the “pink side” of Mothercare World to buy some clothes for my friend’s new daughter. I had never been to that side of the shop. I think the feeling lasted about 90 seconds.

My son will be 26 next week and my daughter is 23. They live in a different state (I am in Australia) as I moved to Victoria when I got married again.

Having said that, we are very close and keep in touch daily - messages and facetime. My son's girlfriend is like a a daughter to me and I am grateful for her presence in our lives. My daughter sees her as a sister and they do things together like yoga. They share all aspects of their lives with me and check in on me regularly as I have struggled with the lockdowns here in Victoria.

It has been especially hard with border restrictions in Australia as usually I would visit during the school holidays (I am a teacher).

I am going to spend Christmas with them in Brisbane and am desperate to see them all.

I think that we will always be close and I am very grateful for that. My husband, sadly, is estranged from his three daughters, and has a good relationship with his son but not as close as he would like.

I have worked hard to have this relationship with them all.