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Original poster

Mum's of adult sons, tell me about your relationships

122 replies

Cookiejarmonster · 28/09/2021 16:02

Read the thread on here about gender disappointment and it struck a chord with me and my own personal fears.

Just hoping some mums of adult sons can ease my worries.

Are you close with your adult sons? That's without the prompting of any significant others?

From personal experience adult sons do tend to be closer to their wives families unless their wife isn't close to her own.

I see this with my brothers despite my family being warm/fine. Their wives mums are still the main grandparent for want of a better word.

In my work I see mainly daughters being the ones to step up and organise care for their poorly elderly parents.

Do your sons ring and text you first? Without you having to chase them for contact? Do you ever chat on the phone or have them pop over 'just because?

My biggest fear is having sons who grow up and flee the nest and all contact is chased by me. I never really see it with mums and daughters.

I known the babies sex doesn't matter as children and often sons are very loving towards their mums. However it's more the adult relationship I worry about.

I also know you Foster your own relationship with your children and nothing is black and white. I just don't know of many adult men that are as close to their parents as women tend to be. Looking for reassurances.

OP posts:
Chihuahuacat · 28/09/2021 16:10

Different perspective but my husband Is much closer to his mum than I am to mine. He will regularly call her just for a chat, and we probably do more with his faintly than mine so definitely possible! (Both families live about 10 mins away so it’s not a geographical difference either)

Winterfairy23 · 28/09/2021 16:12

My other half is close with his mum. They chat on the phone and text on a mutual basis several times a week. He visits weekly for several hours each time. They sometimes go for meals too.

Youarestillintherunning · 28/09/2021 16:15

I don't have an adult son, but I do have an older brother, and my partner who are both very close to their mums. Dp's mum isn't elderly, but he takes her food shopping each week to spend a bit of time together. He visits her on his day off and takes our daughter with him. We often invite her over for meals, and she has our daughter visit her two days a week, so I would say that she is the "main" grandparent. The way that he spoke about his mum was actually one of the things that really made me think "he's the one for me." (Apologies for how soppy that sounds! 😅)

Having a daughter doesn't guarantee that you will have a close relationship when they are adults. Stability, healthy boundaries, no judgement and unconditional love are what will keep children close as they become adults, not their sex.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Orangejuicemarathoner · 28/09/2021 16:16

I'm very close to my adult sons. They contact me several times a week. Just checking through my whattsapp, recent chats have been about things they have told me about their work, mutual friends, what their pets are up to, sports we all follow, achievements in C25K, what they are cooking for dinner - one sent me a photograph of a beautiful sunset a couple of days ago.

choixx · 28/09/2021 16:21

My DH is very close to his mum, I used to find it a bit annoying but think it's actually lovely. I have a son & hope to have a similar relationship.

I chat to my mum less but will always go to my dad for advice.

Magicalwoodlands · 28/09/2021 16:22

My DP rarely talks to his parents, which I do find quite sad.

They were close growing up so I’m not sure it’s something that can be ‘blamed’ on boundaries or similar. My dad was the same. So I am a bit resigned to ‘losing’ ds.

DidgeDoolittle · 28/09/2021 16:32

I have three adult sons, one of whom is married. I get on brilliantly with all of them. I also love my dil to bits. We chat constantly and see each other regularly.
I too had a job where I saw mainly daughters stepping up as carers. I worried that I would lose my boys as adults.
I made a deliberate choice to show them love, support and respect throughout their childhood, in the hope that they would value that as adults and choose to remain close.
Not sure if I'm making any sense, but I know what I mean.

Bourbanbiscuit · 28/09/2021 16:32

I have three sons, all now married, 2 with children. I am still very close to my sons, who ring for a chat or whatsapp. I am also very close to my daughters in law. I feel very blessed and try not to take any of them for granted.
Please dont presume you will loose your boys, this need not be the case at all. X

Guacamole001 · 28/09/2021 16:34

Hope it is different when the son is an only child. In my case I hope so!

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 28/09/2021 16:35

My son is married to a lovely person and I value both of them. He texts and rings and so does she. We don’t live near one another and don’t see one another that much, but I am so grateful for the relationship we have.

MindyStClaire · 28/09/2021 16:36

DH and I have very similar relationships with both sets of parents. His parents are lovely and we are both close to them.

yikesanotherbooboo · 28/09/2021 16:39

My DH was fairly close to his mother and I made a massive effort to be even handed .one set of GPs were not closer than the others.
I have 2 young adult sons and a daughter ; I don't feel a difference between them yet and don't expect to going forward.

Washeduponthebeach · 28/09/2021 16:39

I have two. The one who lives away phones about once a week, sometimes more often and WhatsApp’s me quite often too. The other I used to be very close to but various circumstances have made us draw apart a bit. I know he loves me dearly .

firstimemamma · 28/09/2021 16:39

My husband has a wonderful and loving relationship with his mum and I haven't spoken to / seen mine in ten years (and never will again)! You can't generalise this stuff.

Washeduponthebeach · 28/09/2021 16:41

Should say mother in law is dead. OH didn’t phone her much when she was alive but loved her and always enjoyed seeing her.
My brother phones my mother occasionally but hardly ever visits her despite living 20 miles away.

FreeBritnee · 28/09/2021 16:42

My DP speaks to his mum most days. Takes the children to see her fortnightly and she is the main grandma in their lives even though my mum is nearer and in good health. I think it’s worked out that way as she dotes on them as they are her only family. My mum is closer to my siblings children.

PermanentTemporary · 28/09/2021 16:43

The frequency of the contact is incredibly individual and largely due to family culture. Frequency doesn't necessarily mean intimate either.

I kind of know what you mean and I'm resigned to being slightly secondary as grandparent if ds ever does have children - I think particularly when the baby's very small. However, like my MIL I will have things I'm good at and areas that are 'mine'. My MIL was very artistic and was brilliant at drawing and painting with ds - I'm useless at both and so is my mum.

MalagaNights · 28/09/2021 16:44

My sons are early 20s so barely adults.

They are funny, interesting and good company.

One shares an interest with me so we spend time together doing that and chatting about it.

The other has very different interests but is very thoughtful.

Admittedly they don't text lots to chat or chat on the phone and I can imagine as older adults with their own families our contact will be less. They probably won't share details with me in the way a daughter might.

But that's ok. There are different ways to have loving relationships.

In fact I think I'm beginning to think I'm glad I won't have a more dependent daughter/ Grandma expectation in the future.

I've got stuff to do Grin.

Livpool · 28/09/2021 16:46

My DS is only 5!

But my DH is close to his mum. They are almost as close as I am to my mum and think it is Iovely

JudyGemstone · 28/09/2021 16:46

My son is only 17 so can’t comment on him yet, although I hope he’ll continue to be close to me obviously!

My brother is the only one of my siblings who still lives in the same town as my parents, and goes round there several times a week so they are very close. My parents look after their kids a lot. However his wife’s family are in another country so maybe that makes a difference?

Ichangemynameagain · 28/09/2021 16:47

Your children will learn from example.

What is the relationship like between DH and his mother?

Ichangemynameagain · 28/09/2021 16:48

FWIW, my DB sees my parents a lot.

My DH also sees his family a lot with the kids too.

barnanabas · 28/09/2021 17:00

My son is a teenager, so can't comment on that yet.

DH speaks to his parents regularly, and texts his mum about things they are both interested in (e.g. books/radio programmes). I have a fair amount in common with his mum too and will sometimes spend time with her doing things we both like. I'd say his parents are the 'default' grandparents due to geography, as they live 15 minutes away and mine live overseas.

But... DH has a sister who lives close by too - around the corner from us and same distance from their parents. She is definitely the 'default kid' - they will always call her first, tell her news, make arrangements which they then want us to fit in with etc. It's mostly a minor irritant, rather than a massive deal, but just a different perspective on the whole idea about daughters being closer as adults than sons - it cuts both ways!

caringcarer · 28/09/2021 17:02

I have a dd and 2 ds, all adults now. I regularly go to lunch with one son who works afternoon shifts. When he is on annual leave I often go for a breakfast catch up with him. It is lovely just me and him catching up. My other son still lives at home as saving for deposit. We share a takeaway once a week and chat and catch up whilst eating it. Also Sunday lunch at home or out sometimes at carvery. Again great to catch up on each others lives over a relaxing meal. I am close to both of my son's and I can't imagine that changing. I listen to their woes, and try to cheer them up if down. My eldest son recently bought his own house so he asked me to go to IKEA with him and help him choose kitchen stuff. My dd lives 150 miles away with dsil, and 2 dgc. I love to see them but in reality only see them 4 or 5 times a year and less during Covid times. When I go down to visit them I usually take them for lunch put and I stay overnight and babysit dgc so my dd and sil can go out together. I am not as close to my dd as my 2 sons due to distance between us but she rings me every week and I send postcards to dgc every month.

MissyB1 · 28/09/2021 17:04

Ds1 is 31, I'm very close with him. We chat at least once a week on the phone, and he visits most Sundays for a roast!

Ds2 is 26, he tends to only contact when he needs something - but is happy to chat when I ring. He visits regularly and loves Christmas, birthdays etc at our house. I would say I have less in common with him than ds1 but we get on fine.

Ds3 is 12 and I nurture our relationship a lot, hoping we maintain a close relationship as he grows older.