Mum's of adult sons, tell me about your relationships

[Cookiejarmonster]

Read the thread on here about gender disappointment and it struck a chord with me and my own personal fears.

Just hoping some mums of adult sons can ease my worries.

Are you close with your adult sons? That's without the prompting of any significant others?

From personal experience adult sons do tend to be closer to their wives families unless their wife isn't close to her own.

I see this with my brothers despite my family being warm/fine. Their wives mums are still the main grandparent for want of a better word.

In my work I see mainly daughters being the ones to step up and organise care for their poorly elderly parents.

Do your sons ring and text you first? Without you having to chase them for contact? Do you ever chat on the phone or have them pop over 'just because?

My biggest fear is having sons who grow up and flee the nest and all contact is chased by me. I never really see it with mums and daughters.

I known the babies sex doesn't matter as children and often sons are very loving towards their mums. However it's more the adult relationship I worry about.

I also know you Foster your own relationship with your children and nothing is black and white. I just don't know of many adult men that are as close to their parents as women tend to be. Looking for reassurances.

My dh does not ring his Mum very often. She is 80 now and living alone. I ring her every week sometimes 2 or 3 times to break up her day a bit. Her DH died in June and she is still feeling very fragile. My dh did go up to help her deal with funeral for 4 days though. We usually go up for 3 or 4 weekends each year. I am inviting her to Xmas lunch but don't know if she will come.

Mine are young adults so not moved out and married, but we are very close. 22yo and I go to the cinema together regularly and swap books - we have a lot of tastes in common. Uni student touches base every day on WhatsApp.

My brother was closer to our mum than I was and saw her several times a week. I was the changeling who moved away and only returned a few times a year, although we talked on the phone a lot.

Also I didn't have the fraught puberty years with the lads. They battled with their dad, their sister battles with me. Her puberty and my menopause made for a rather tempestuous time.

I have sons of 27 and 31. My younger son lives about ten minutes away from me with his partner and daughter. My elder son lives about an hour and twenty minutes quite close to my dear daughter in law’s family with my grandson. We hear from them both and see them very regularly, I am absolutely blessed. My husband and I get on extremely well with our daughters in law and both brothers and daughters in law also get on very well. We all try really hard to spend lots of lovely quality time together.
I worried about this too but for me at least it was an unfounded concern.

My adult DS lives at home he’s 25 works evenings. I leave home in the morning and rarely see him as he leaves for work before I get home. Our relationship is fine for us. Nothing we can do it’s just the way it is. He definitely knows he can talk to me and he does sometimes

We have two sons in their early 20s. DS1 still lives with us, he regularly send me funny WhatsApp messages, pre Covid we used to go to the cinema a lot together, he is really chatty and good fun. He is also incredibly close to my mother, rings her a lot, goes off for weekends to see her.

DS2 lives about 2 hours away. We rarely hear from him. He has always been incredibly independent. He has a lovely gf and she texts me more than he does.

I'm close to my mum and try to speak to her every week, but I was also close to my dad when he was alive. My sister lives abroad and isn't close to my mum but her husband is one of three brothers and they are all incredibly close to their mum.

My husband actually finds this viewpoint offensive. It seems to stem from that awful phrase “a son is a son until he finds a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life”. He is closer to his mum that I am to mine, regularly texts (he doesn’t really do phone calls). My mum thinks this phrase is law, and that we have (or should have) a magic bond. When DS was born DH said “are you sure you don’t want to try for a slave next?” Because that’s my mum’s attitude, that I am somehow property because of my sex.

@Magicalwoodlands

My DP rarely talks to his parents, which I do find quite sad.

They were close growing up so I’m not sure it’s something that can be ‘blamed’ on boundaries or similar. My dad was the same. So I am a bit resigned to ‘losing’ ds.

That’s really sad. Doesn’t it make you so sad to think like that??

My husband is much closer to his mum than his sister is. They have a lovely, warm relationship which is a great template for our children to be growing up with.

My brother was so close to my Mum that, more than a decade afterwards, he is still utterly broken by her passing.

I think you nurture the type of relationship you would like to have, regardless of whether you have girls or boys.

My MIL is closer to her daughter than her adult sons, although still gets on fine with her adult sons, and sees grandchild and has a good relationship. To be honest, from my perspective this seems to be driven from the MIL as much as the daughter. She’s often a little critical of the sons and their choices, particularly the middle one, whereas daughter can do no wrong. Gave up work when she were little to be with the daughter more, and has now moved away from one of the sons, across the country to live closer to the daughter. Daughter is youngest and my DH often jokes that she had her to get the daughter she always wanted 🙈 The sons do help out and do a lot for them. Son was a little put out by the move away from him! She also often says that she is much closer to the daughter and they ‘understand’ eachother. I just hope to god that it wasn’t obvious favouritism when they were young, apart from that they appear to have a happy family life. Im going to have 2 girls but this did make me think if I had mixed sexes I would go out of my way to make an effort to be equally close to both as a mum.

My DH is close to his mother - and will text her throughout the week - but never messages first; it's always MIL that initiates contact. However, he is very loving when we're with them - just rubbish at messaging first!

My DF on the other hand never speaks to his parents. No falling out or nothing - he just has no interest now he lives in another country. His brothers never get in touch with them either. They are an odd family tbf.

My DH facetimes his mum every day and visits at least once a month (she lives 300miles away) I don't call my mum that often but it works for us

I have two DS in their 20s, both live a couple of hours away from me. DS1 texts me every other day and phones weekly. We're very close. DS2 is in a controlling relationship and has gone NC with me because his partner doesn't like me. I still send him a jolly text every month or so but haven't heard from him in two years. Has broken my heart tbh.

These responses are lovely to hear so thank you x

My DS is at university now and I pretty much let him get on with his life there but we are in touch several times a week.
We are close and when he's home we watch sport together and go for a mooch around the shops and out for dinners etc.
He is a funny and interesting young man and I really enjoy his company...and I hope that never changes.

@DidgeDoolittle

I have three adult sons, one of whom is married. I get on brilliantly with all of them. I also love my dil to bits. We chat constantly and see each other regularly. I too had a job where I saw mainly daughters stepping up as carers. I worried that I would lose my boys as adults. I made a deliberate choice to show them love, support and respect throughout their childhood, in the hope that they would value that as adults and choose to remain close. Not sure if I'm making any sense, but I know what I mean.

Any tips on how to achieve this?

My eldest boy is 29 soon. Love him to bits and we have great times together. Walking, watching movies, going away for weekends, sending little texts etc. Brilliant relationship.

Mine usually phones me every night on the way home from work , always brings in flowers or sweets when he’s calling in and set up a monthly subscription box for the dog .

I have an adult son - I'm 63 and he is 40. I can honestly say that our relationship has never had a bad day, ever. He and I just clicked from Day 1 and it has never wavered. My best memories are of him coming home from school and hopping onto my bed ( I worked night shifts so that was my waking-up time). We'd lie there and chat about his day., laugh and talk about anything and everything ..wonderful memories .

Now he is a single father, and I'm still a big part of his life . I am the "mother figure" to his children since there is no mum in the picture. He and I talk most days, and it's always just as it was when he was a little boy - we talk about anything and everything, and we've supported each other through thick and thin,

Just today he sent me a funny "Super Mum" emoji , just something nice to make me smile .

He isn't all I've got - it's not like I need him to fill my life. I also have a DD who is lovely, and a husband who is the best partner I every could have had, all these years. But DS is something special in my life, the one person I've never had a cross word with. How lucky am I .

DS is not an adult but DH is. His parents would probably fall into your "main grandparents" category as they live about an hour away while my mum is 7+ hours away. So we see DHs parents little and often while we see my mum 2-3 times a year for about a week. DH often phones his mum for a chat and out of 20 married Christmases we have spent one at my mum's and probably about 10 at DH's parents (and the rest at home sometime with my mum, sometimes on our own). If we stop perpetuating the myth that boys leave home and never see their families again it will stop happening. If you treat your parents as more important than your DHs and keep you MiL at arms length don't be surprised if it happens to you.

My brother is incredibly close to our mum and is very protective of her since our dad died. He was useless in staying in touch with all of us in his 20s but has got loads better in his 30s. He's not got a partner but I couldn't see that changing if he did.
My husband on the other hand finds it emotionally exhausting enough having a family of his own. He's been better during covid times at talking to his mum regularly (she lives in Australia) but has been shocking in the past. And my MIL is lovely and they have a good relationship.
I think its all about the personality dynamics and how inherently selfish the son is.

I will say that I think some of it may be that my DS saw his own father having a really positive relationship with his parents, and was also encouraged to build a relationship with both sets of GPs. For him it was definitely NOT the norm for the man to not contact his parents etc. Therefore he has always expected us to play a central role in his adult life as that is what he saw.

I do wonder what women on mumsnet are thinking sometimes when I see threads where they are moaning about spending times with the ILs or discouraging their DH from spending time with his own mum, calling it ‘creepy’ or ‘weird’. It’s like they haven’t worked out that one day they will be the ILs, or even the mum of an adult son. What kind of message are they sending if their DC hear them doing this?!

I would say if your DH is a bit useless at contacting his parents, DON’T just leave him to it. Try to encourage him to be a bit better at it. This is what I did and my husband got so much better at it, and my son grew up seeing it

@Runningupthecurtains

DS is not an adult but DH is. His parents would probably fall into your "main grandparents" category as they live about an hour away while my mum is 7+ hours away. So we see DHs parents little and often while we see my mum 2-3 times a year for about a week. DH often phones his mum for a chat and out of 20 married Christmases we have spent one at my mum's and probably about 10 at DH's parents (and the rest at home sometime with my mum, sometimes on our own). If we stop perpetuating the myth that boys leave home and never see their families again it will stop happening. If you treat your parents as more important than your DHs and keep you MiL at arms length don't be surprised if it happens to you.

Haha this is what I was trying to say but you said it so much better than me!

My DH rings or is rung by his DM at a set time each week but either of us pick up for a chat. We both what’s app her in the week and we do go to stay for weekends and they come to us.
My DM lived closer so had more day to day interaction with grandchildren but then they had lovely weekends with in laws.
His DM can be a bit clingy and worry too much which sometimes puts him off calling as it might go on for ages and ages but the relationship is very loving.

I am closer to my adult son now than when he was a teenager (when he would find it 'not cool' to be close to his Mum).
We don't live in each other's pockets but when he does come over, he is very open and we've had some frank discussions about relationships etc.
But everyone Is different, both parent and son so it's hard/wrong to generalise.

My adult ds rings more than dd. I’m lucky because my dil is the best.
That makes such a difference.
She too rings regularly. When dgc was small we drove over a lot to help even though it was 3 hours away.
We’ve never had a real fall out. I think it’s important to respect your dc as mature adults and not be tempted to interfere.

I take the attitude that if my dc are paying their own mortgage/rent then they can make their own decisions.