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Original poster

Mum's of adult sons, tell me about your relationships

122 replies

Cookiejarmonster · 28/09/2021 16:02

Read the thread on here about gender disappointment and it struck a chord with me and my own personal fears.

Just hoping some mums of adult sons can ease my worries.

Are you close with your adult sons? That's without the prompting of any significant others?

From personal experience adult sons do tend to be closer to their wives families unless their wife isn't close to her own.

I see this with my brothers despite my family being warm/fine. Their wives mums are still the main grandparent for want of a better word.

In my work I see mainly daughters being the ones to step up and organise care for their poorly elderly parents.

Do your sons ring and text you first? Without you having to chase them for contact? Do you ever chat on the phone or have them pop over 'just because?

My biggest fear is having sons who grow up and flee the nest and all contact is chased by me. I never really see it with mums and daughters.

I known the babies sex doesn't matter as children and often sons are very loving towards their mums. However it's more the adult relationship I worry about.

I also know you Foster your own relationship with your children and nothing is black and white. I just don't know of many adult men that are as close to their parents as women tend to be. Looking for reassurances.

OP posts:
Jenufer · 28/09/2021 19:40

@CalamityGladys you have three lovely children there.

PhillMcCann · 28/09/2021 19:44

I have three adult sons - it used to be my husbands tradition that I never went in the kitchen on Christmas Day - he’d do the dinner. The first year after his death - all 3 turned up to make sure I didn’t go in the kitchen. Lockdown last year - they couldn’t get home for Christmas - the first time in 8 years - I went in my kitchen on Christmas Day

I'm a hard hearted old boot but aww, this made me well up. What lovely, lovely boys you've raised Flowers

CalamityGladys · 28/09/2021 19:52

I am very lucky - they tease me rotten - and all live away - but they phone and come home often - one is married to a lovely woman and he is close to her mom - lockdown was really hard for us all -

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Families
DramaAlpaca · 28/09/2021 19:53

My three boys are 28, 26 and 24, only the youngest still lives at home. I'm close to all of them, as is DH, and we love spending time together when we can. The older ones call often and we message lots on WhatsApp. They're the best.

Just10moreminutesplease · 28/09/2021 20:00

I have three stepbrothers and my stepmum is the ‘main grandparent’ for two of them (with the third I think it’s quite 50/50).

She is lovely to her daughter in laws though and I think this plays a massive part in how close they all are.

BrilliantBetty · 28/09/2021 20:01

My DH is now in his early 30s and contact with his mum has reduced steadily over the last decade. Especially since having our DC.
She does not offer any help to us and our weekends are very busy so realistically there's not that much opportunity for them to spend time together. When he is available he is more interested in his hobbies, honestly.
He calls her fairly frequently though, sends a text at least once a week, often it seems like it's out of duty. But this is more to do with her and her lifestyle. He is very close to his DF (parents separated) and they see eachother several times a month for shared hobbies and when his DF helps with the kids.

derxa · 28/09/2021 20:02

I have 2 adult DSs. One of them works with me on the farm and you can hear our blistering rows for miles away but I would say we were close. My other DS lives much further away and have less communication. Both are lovely people and I love spending time with them (usually)

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 28/09/2021 20:11

My DP FaceTimes his mum daily just to check in. It's very sweet and drives to see her and his dad atleast once a month.
My two adult sons text me most days. They are generally just loving men and very kind, which their girlfriends tell me honest!

Autumngoldleaf · 28/09/2021 20:13

DB totally forsook dm... Barely did anything for her, no gifts, nothing for mother day his wife doesn't believe in that stuff.

And dh has issues with his dm, I had to prompt.. Encourage contact... But she always treated me like dirt on her shoe I don't do that anymore and it's pretty much zero.

Autumngoldleaf · 28/09/2021 20:15

Brilliant that is an huge part of it isn't it, having something you all enjoy doing together, that shares interest or hobby or that favourite dish, meal, something.... Enjoy each others company being able to chat

For dh his dm is always on her terms.

Sadmum23 · 28/09/2021 20:17

I have four daughters and one son. He moved out and set up home with his fiancé 3 years ago. He messages me every few days and see us whenever he can (work commitments permitting). Sometimes it is longer but l know he is only a phone call away and he only lives 20 min away.

Miliao · 28/09/2021 20:20

I thought it was always the opposite? Boys were generally mummy’s boys - that’s the old wives’ tale anyway. I know that personal experience does not a statistic make, but this is the case for my friends and family.

AuntyMabelandPippin · 28/09/2021 20:28

I have four boys. They're all living about an hour away.

Two came home last weekend, the other two came the weekend before.

We usually speak to them once a week or so, unless there's a problem, when they'll ring us for advice.

I miss them, but am glad they've all got good jobs and good lives.

I just wonder if I'll ever be a Gran... Grin

TheHouseILiveIn · 28/09/2021 20:30

My mum is not in contact with my brother and has taken that as proof that sons are no good and she wishes she had had two daughters Hmm

LookAtMoiPloise · 28/09/2021 20:45

She is lovely to her daughter in laws though and I think this plays a massive part in how close they all are

This

Coffee4Queen · 28/09/2021 20:54

My husband & his brother are not close to their mum. The brother lives quite near but will only contact her if he needs babysitting. My husband will call her about once every 6 weeks out of duty but he doesn’t like her as a person. She’s not a nice and can be insulting but it’s very subtle and sly. When she’s pulled up on it she becomes quite child like.

ToucansToucans · 28/09/2021 21:00

This does seem to be a thing.
Is it the fault in women controlling their male partners or is the fault with men for being useless at organising and communicating (or a society/socialisation one?). Do son's keep in touch more if they have strong bonds to their df's fir example.
I hope my son stays close to us. But who knows?
Be good to know the magic formula for solving this rather than letting history repeat.
My db has very little to do with all of us. My df had little to do with his family. My DH mother is dead has been for many years.Im not close to my dm. I just see her through necessity really.

ToucansToucans · 28/09/2021 21:03

Tbh my dm wasn't that nice to my Dsil before they moved overseas . So maybe that's the issue. Perhaps we have to go on a charm offensive to our dd-in-laws and not let ourselves think no one is good enough for our sons...isn't this what happens??

MrsIPFreely · 28/09/2021 21:14

My dh is close to his mum but actually I probably speak to her more. I have a difficult relationship with my own mother and have a much better one with mil. She is definitely the primary grandparent and dotes on our DC. I'm not sure if he was with Someone else if my dh would have the same relationship.

TheHouseILiveIn · 28/09/2021 21:24

@ToucansToucans

Tbh my dm wasn't that nice to my Dsil before they moved overseas . So maybe that's the issue. Perhaps we have to go on a charm offensive to our dd-in-laws and not let ourselves think no one is good enough for our sons...isn't this what happens??
Good point! I will try to be nice. But already am wary Grin
TheHouseILiveIn · 28/09/2021 21:26

Not that DS has ever brought home even so much as a casual date. I only know I feel protective already Blush

I'm imagining having a girl and weirdly can't imagine being like that. What's that all about?Confused

LookAtMoiPloise · 28/09/2021 21:48

Good point! I will try to be nice. But already am wary grin

There's no point acting like that though. If anything, it'll just cause issues.

TheHouseILiveIn · 28/09/2021 21:53

@LookAtMoiPloise

Good point! I will try to be nice. But already am wary grin

There's no point acting like that though. If anything, it'll just cause issues.

Agreed
Marlena1 · 28/09/2021 22:05

My DP is very close to his mum. She is a lovely woman and I am very fond of her. I can at times see she bites her tongue a bit around me (something my DM could learn from).

Marlena1 · 28/09/2021 22:09

I also agree with @MrsIPFreely though as I know (been told from others) that when DP was with his ex he didn't see her as much. A lot has to do with the DIL and how they get on (unfortunately).