Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Mum's of adult sons, tell me about your relationships

122 replies

Cookiejarmonster · 28/09/2021 16:02

Read the thread on here about gender disappointment and it struck a chord with me and my own personal fears.

Just hoping some mums of adult sons can ease my worries.

Are you close with your adult sons? That's without the prompting of any significant others?

From personal experience adult sons do tend to be closer to their wives families unless their wife isn't close to her own.

I see this with my brothers despite my family being warm/fine. Their wives mums are still the main grandparent for want of a better word.

In my work I see mainly daughters being the ones to step up and organise care for their poorly elderly parents.

Do your sons ring and text you first? Without you having to chase them for contact? Do you ever chat on the phone or have them pop over 'just because?

My biggest fear is having sons who grow up and flee the nest and all contact is chased by me. I never really see it with mums and daughters.

I known the babies sex doesn't matter as children and often sons are very loving towards their mums. However it's more the adult relationship I worry about.

I also know you Foster your own relationship with your children and nothing is black and white. I just don't know of many adult men that are as close to their parents as women tend to be. Looking for reassurances.

OP posts:

notacooldad · 28/09/2021 18:30

I have 2 adult sons.
One lives with his girlfriend in a different town.
We see him /them several times a week usually and also spend time with gf parents ( meals out, pub etc)
We go walking and have full mountain days with DS. Also go to gigs and ski together. He'll pop round, even if we are not in and make himself a brew and chill for a bit.
He phones Dh ( his dad up a lot for advice and general chat)

Ds2 lives nearby with his gf. More or less the same as ds1 but we dont know her parenta well.
I like it when all 6 of us go out together or at our house parties together.
My DH is very close to his mum, I used to find it a bit annoying but think it's actually lovely why did you find that annoying @choixx

Foxtailstump · 28/09/2021 18:39

My DB is very close to our mum and speaks to her all the time, visits at least once a week.
DH visited the in-laws every week before Covid.

SuperstitiousMagpie · 28/09/2021 18:42

I'm not a mum, but my fiance and I live with his mum. We don't need to, financially could absolutely move out but she loves having us here and we love being here. He's really close to her, as close as I am to my mum. Just off to sit down to dinner all together right now!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Jenufer · 28/09/2021 18:49

I have a 20 yr old DS who's at university, OP.

I am the very opposite of an interfering mother, but I normally hear from him every couple of days - either imessage or Facetime, normally. We get on brilliantly - have shared interests, similar sense of humour, etc, etc. He's funny and quick and entertaining and charming and good humoured (and was not an easy small child, btw). He is only one of my DC who didn't drive me insane during the lockdowns - he and I co-exist very happily. He has a less close relationship with his father (we are divorced). I wouldn't dream of telling him this explicitly, but he is my wonderful, superb, brilliant shining star, and he seems to think I'm ok enough to be introduced to his university friends.

Kezzie200 · 28/09/2021 18:58

Son left at 18 for an apprenticeship and his girlfriend joined him when she was 18 a year later.

They both text regularly, if we have something to say. Plus we have WhatsApp group with Grandparents and another just 4 of us (his sister lives away too).

We have teams calls sometimes and, although I set them up, he tends to remind me it's been a while. He also sets up games nights online. Last night he had a video call with his Dad because he was struggling mending something and then they carried on chatting after they had sorted it.

His girlfriend also contacts be every now and then..sometimes with a question, sometimes just to ask how we are.

He doesn't just turn up as they live 200 miles away, but they come for holidays occasionally. He always visits his old mates when he comes and the neighbours to say hi. But they also spend holidays with his girlfriends family and on their own doing various things.

Sunshine1235 · 28/09/2021 19:01

My husband phones his mum way more than I phone mine and I would say has a much closer relationship with her than I do with my mum

Spudlet · 28/09/2021 19:03

DH’s min passed away a few years ago. But he’s very close to his dad. He phones him every evening, and he comes over here most weeks for a day. His brother doesn’t ring as often, but he often has his dad to stay, takes him on holiday and things. So it’s not inevitable that a son loses touch with his parents. Hoping our own DS learns from that when he grows up

Spudlet · 28/09/2021 19:03

Mum, that is, not min. What on earth is a min?!

evtheria · 28/09/2021 19:05

DP is very close to his mum. Granted, mine live abroad but I am certain this would still be the case if I had mine here as well.

Freddiefox · 28/09/2021 19:06

My ex is much closer to his mum that I am to mine.
However I’m closer to my mum then my brother. But I genuinely think that my mum makes no effort with him and sees me as her companion rather than my brother.

My ex mil has sons and makes much more effort with them than my mum with her son.

I often think if I was a boy my mum would make more effort with my brother because she’d wouldn’t have a girl to fall back on.

Freddiefox · 28/09/2021 19:07

Oh and even though my mil is an ex, I still make an effort with her. It’s important to teach your children they are part of two families.

ssd · 28/09/2021 19:09

I know exactly what you mean @Cookiejarmonster

Its an ongoing fear of mine. I looked after my mum when she was old. I see mums with adult daughters and I'm jealous. I admit it. I adore my boys but i long for an adult daughter relationship. It actually hurts. But i wouldn't tell a soul.
I wouldn't swap my boys for all the girls in the world , but i ache for something I'll never have.

TertiusLydgate · 28/09/2021 19:10

My husband is really close to his mum.

We are lucky enough to have 2 sons. One (19) at uni and one (22) back at home after uni and doing his master's pt whilst working.

I would say we are all very close. They are both great fun and really good company. They are very affectionate with us both and always write lovely messages in my bday or mother's day cards. I think they are both rather marvelous.

I would hate to be a clingy mum but I am pretty confident that our closeness will last as they get older.

RobynNora · 28/09/2021 19:15

In my experience, women tend to be more brave/ambitious/independent and more likely to live further from home than men. So I’d say the opposite was true. My bro is a bit closer to my ma.

mathanxiety · 28/09/2021 19:18

If you bring up your son to not leave unpleasant stuff for someone else to deal with, you'll have a son who steps up when you are old and frail.

ExH's family have had some major problems looking after exMIL as one sister ended up shouldering the vast majority of the caring. This is because the boys were brought up to expect women to do the emotional labour in relationships and much of the donkey work too, without complaint.

CalamityGladys · 28/09/2021 19:22

I have three adult sons - it used to be my husbands tradition that I never went in the kitchen on Christmas Day - he’d do the dinner. The first year after his death - all 3 turned up to make sure I didn’t go in the kitchen. Lockdown last year - they couldn’t get home for Christmas - the first time in 8 years - I went in my kitchen on Christmas Day xx

Runningupthecurtains · 28/09/2021 19:22

@RobynNora

In my experience, women tend to be more brave/ambitious/independent and more likely to live further from home than men. So I’d say the opposite was true. My bro is a bit closer to my ma.

Yep my aunt has two daughters and a son (all in their 50's now). Both daughters moved to a different continent in their 20's and stayed there while her son stills lives about an hour from where he grow up. Any "looking after" will fall to my male cousin although at 80 odd aunty is still going strong and isn't needing looking after yet.

TheHouseILiveIn · 28/09/2021 19:25

My XH is closer to his parents than his sister is.
My XP used to be in text contact with his mum more or less daily.

My eldest is technically an adult but still a teenager. We are very close and I can only hope this continues.

TheHouseILiveIn · 28/09/2021 19:26

@CalamityGladys

Awww

Bananarama21 · 28/09/2021 19:29

My brothers put their inlaws above my parents they are beyond selfish. My df has terminal cancer and has gone to his brain yet one is holidaying over Christmas with his mother inlaw and brother inlaw and family, they haven't spend Christmas with them for atleast 6 year. My other dbrother wife demands they have dinner with her family haven't spend Christmas with our parents such he was single, I pulled one brother up about how they should be alternating. They do anything to please their wives. Thankgod I'm there who will host them. I have two sons and a daughter. I hope they treat me better than my dbros do my dps.

2021Vision · 28/09/2021 19:29

I think some of this is related to how they are raised. Many men seem to expect that women do all the contacting, present buying etc as well as all the organising when family visit etc. I expect that there are many women who fall into this trap way of life because that is what they have been brought up to expect. The men just see this as 'womens' stuff.

It's interesting that a number of posters on this thread have said how the DIL's have contacted them. I wonder how may Son in laws contact their partners parents and organise things or just have a chat?

I think the answer is to raise both sons and daughters with the same level of understanding and respect for family. There is no reason why sons should be different to daughters in keeping in contact/being part of a family.

Empra123 · 28/09/2021 19:30

My adult son moved abroad a bit over 2 years ago so I haven't seen much of him over the last 18 months. But he rings me regularly and we message regularly too.

Iwab82 · 28/09/2021 19:32

Hate this generalisation. My brother and I at both close to our parents. My husband and his brothers are close to his parents. Make your own relationship with your children, boys or girls, have some respect for their choices in life, things should be fine. If they are not it's not due to their sex.

Quick99 · 28/09/2021 19:34

My dh isn't close to his mum but he wasn't really close to her growing up she wasn't very hands on during his teenage years used to go away with her boyfriend most weekends. I think if you've got a good relationship during those early years that translates into them wanting to be around you as an adult.

Jenufer · 28/09/2021 19:39

@ssd

I know exactly what you mean *@Cookiejarmonster*

@ssd Your post is very interesting. I don't know if having a daughter necessarily makes for the kind of relationship you had with your mum. I do have a daughter, and I'd like to think that she would look after me when I'm old - but as she's currently furious with me and not speaking to me (she's 17), I am planning on living well and spending all the money on cars and Champagne, then dying early so that nobody has the 'looking after' burden.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5