All my friends of a certain age want to run away from home

[MareofBeasttown]

I thought it was just me, but after speaking to a bunch of friends around my age ( late 40s to early 50s) I have realised that all of us want to run away from home and fuck off to a desert island somewhere. We all have wildly different home lives, jobs and circumstances, but this is the common factor. Of course the pandemic has made things worse, but I don't think it's only the pandemic. Myself, I want to run away just to avoid being asked "Where is the sriracha?" when the sriracha is right on the counter.

Definitely with you on this, 46, DC, pets, mostly working away DH.

Did escape for a couple of days on my own a few years ago (after DH had been ill on and off for over a year, his parents were coming to visit, I couldn’t take it and booked a hotel with a pool).

So many people asked me if I was going to be lonely?!

I had peace and quiet, a bath whenever I wanted, books and snacks I didn’t have to share. It was bliss.
Until the Monday morning when school rang as DS had been sick and they couldn’t get through to anyone.
Had to arrange pickup, got home to puking and pathetic DS and DH, lost the bliss instantly!

Often dream of just leaving. And I’m not unhappy with my life as such, just want to put myself first.

Yeah, I get it, totally understand why people feel like running away. Even though I live alone, so no children or "wife work", and no partner (not even dating), and am perimenopausal, I still go through phases of thinking "fuck this, there's more to life than paying bills, job hunting, and being here" (even though I like where I live).

I did go travelling, and had further planned, but then sodding Covid happened, so I had to come home. So now I'd torn between doing the sensible thing (get a job) or the more risky (put my things in storage and go exploring). In the short term what I really need to do is get off my arse and go on day trips now things have opened up again. There's plenty to see within a reasonable drive of home.

It's taken a long time to get to this stage. I'm happy and in charge of my life. Hoorah. It's hard, but it's hard on my terms.
That's a good point.
I would love to just go away temporarily for a few weeks and be taken care of - even if meant lying in a white room somewhere with soft furnishings and a couple of plants. No internet / news / or TV nothing but a few books - but with assurance that my dependents were looked after. Food served, house cleaned, no shopping - I just had to do my own personal care and feed myself. (Beginning to sound more like a care home)

I pretty much did this when I was 57. My DH is very conservative about travelling and only ever wants to go to Ireland or the US and I had itch =y feet and wanted to see the world. Over the year I had several wonderful trips away, some shorter ones like a week in Greece and another week in Spain with mates and a cruise with relations but also some longer solo trips. I spent a month travelling round Canada, another month chilling on the beach in Goa (under an umbrella because I am a very pasty creature and didn't want to burn) and another 5 weeks in Thailand. Every trip was amazing and so relaxed because I only had to worry about my own needs. They gave me perspective and energy and renewed my appreciation for my family and vice versa.

That was in 2019. Thank god I did then and didn't delay a year - it would have been a very different story. However when CoVid becomes less of a problem I intend to have some similar trips away while I'm still young and fit enough to fully enjoy it and be 100% independent. To the point that when my first occupational pension kicks in later this year I will be taking 25% of the fund as a cash lump sum which will be firmly ring fenced for travel only. I definitely want to see more of India as well as going to Vietnam and Cambodia, Africa and Latin America. And also go back to Canada. It's huge and so clean and beautiful and friendly.

@FortunesFave

I fantasize about it all the time! I think about going to another country and living in a bedsit to keep things simple.

Yes!

I've even been learning Portuguese to aid in my "new life" in Porto. Moving to Portugal May be a "fantasy" but at least I'll be prepared just in case!

@LookieLikie

I wonder who the women (mainly mid 40s+) are who DONT feel this way. And why

I am 43 and I don't feel this way at all but I know many of my friends who do feel this dissatisfaction with the way life is. The main difference I can see is that they all have tween/teenage kids whereas my eldest is 4. Perhaps perimenopause and the demands of family life with older children just don't mix well? Also my husband is not perfect by any means but he does generally pull his weight, so I do get time to myself to study or relax.

I have a friend in publishing wants to go into garden design
Another one just relocated her whole family to Spain
Another one given up her childminding business to retrain as an OT
Another one going back full time to banking after seven years at home
In fact more widely, at least four friends who have gone from SAHM back to FT work in the last year
Everyone seems to be pivoting or making big changes. We are all 39-47.

I’m still stuck. Desperately need to get out of my job but no imagination as to what I could do. And no time or inclination to commit to any more hours whether that be a new job or retraining. Also not wanting to take any kind of pay cut!

I am 52 and I think about this sometimes. Particularly when I walk through the door, fantasising about what I want to do, then see a sea of shit and chores not done. For me it's that it goes to shit when I am not here and they leave it for me to sort. I have teens too, the entitlement and rudeness just adds to it.

My fantasy is just going to another city and just blending in for a few days. Just me. No demands. I just don't think my dh gets it. He hates his job and as he's FT he thinks I have it easy, but my 20 hours and the life admin and housework is probably over 50 hours worth.

@ChocolateRiver

I’m 40 and would happily join you. I’m absolutely sick to death of being the ‘brain’ for the whole family. It’s bloody exhausting.

Not just the "brain" for the family but the "weather" too.

Argh this is me too! My household is lovely and I do like my job, but its completely people oriented and very similar actually to being a parent to a very large and complex family. I got away alone a couple of months ago but it wasn't a break as it was to visit elderly parents. The actual plane and train rides were quite nice despite (or because of - yay for masks to hide behind and social distance) covid restrictions...

My fantasy is a tiny 'witch's cottage" of the kind seen at open air museums (crofter's cottages really I think) but unlike a 17th century crofter the cottage would be just for me, and no witch hunting...

I'd have one main room with a big fireplace and wooden table and sofa, a bedroom off that at one end and a big bathroom off the other end of the main room, with the washing machine in there so as never to have to bother carrying dirty laundry/ towels.

That's it, and just for me.

I'd live on porridge with yoghurt and fruit. I love porridge and seem to spend half my life food shopping, meal planning and cooking, both for 14 people at work and 5 at home. If I lived alone I just wouldn't.

A group of us, varying ages, all NHS staff, talk about buying a big house and living in it together. Staff to do the cooking, cleaning, gardening etc
There will be a spa, library, wine/alcohol cellar. My responsibility is the wine cellar and library. Our tech expert will do me a spreadsheet of everyone's favourite drinks and reading material. When the wine cellar is down to the last 6 bottles of a particular drink it's put on automatic top up.
Another colleague is in charge of interviewing the staff for the spa, and getting each therapist to do treatments on her before they're hired.
You can tell we've discussed this a lot.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I've started fantasising about a spotlessly clean apartment, painted all in white, with a big squashy sofa and fresh flowers. I adore my family but am so fed up of constantly cleaning up after other people, the endless meal production and utter inability of anyone to manage their own lives without my involvement! Very interesting to hear it's menopause related.

I dont think its all about the menopause as I had this revelation on my 30s and there are plenty of young women on the Relationships board thinking " Fuck this shit" after watching their DH piss off out on another cycle ride while they are left with dc and chores. One day my DH asked me " what time is it" and I just stared at him and wondered why he asked me and didnt just go and look for himself like I did. He doesnt do it anymore as I told him to go look himself and also he is responsible for his own insert item of choice Meals are planned weekly together -"its on the list" Sometimes to get things to change one person has to step away so the other can step up.

You might be right TempleofZoom. My 20 yr old dc decided to cook late last night and I got up to a kitchen of unwashed pans. I'm not happy. I didn't mind clearing up after them when they were younger, but they are adults now and I'm getting pissed off with the feeling of being taken for granted.

Hppefully mine will leave home in due course and peace will reign....... I remember my mother not coming on a 2 week holiday to the countryside in the 1970s at the last minute and she said it was the best 2 weeks (alone at home) of the last 15 years! so this is certainly not a new trend.

What helps here is I do not cook for anyone and usually they put on their own washing and wash up.

I’m early thirties and felt like this since 22 with the “wife work” Shite and lazy bastard DH. Only another few years to go till the kids move out and then il be off too and live alone for the rest of my life 😂😂😂

I kind of did it. Kids had both left home, I was in a job I hated, so I quit. I'm in my early 50s.

That was 12 months ago. I have not regretted it since. I can do what I want every day - though bloody covid scuppered some plans. I am hopeful to get back to the travel next year.

I do agree with the pp who said that the menopause may well have contributed to this. Once your body knows it is done with producing and raising children, for me anyway, the brain just sort of let out a big sigh of relief and said 'sod it, I'm done'. I also smiled at the pp who said they were fed up of being the family brain. totally get that. It is bloody exhausting making all of the decisions, doing all of the planning, bearing all of the worry.

I’m 52 so older than most of you.

I got rid of a useless LT partner 5?years ago, husband before that. I am child free by choice & live alone.

However this year, my mother died after many years of care. My Bro in Law had end stage cancer, my sister who was looking after him also got very ill. I helped in his care until he also died.

I am now ‘free’ except for my job. I worked many hard years & studied PT to get where I am. I now think meh, who can be bothered! At a meeting if im asked ‘what do you think Batty? Q1 or Q2 2022?’ I just think who cares, we’ll be dead anyway.

I fantasise of doing very little, going to the gym, reading, gardening, theatre, exhibitions, a few trip, nights out for birthdays. Im fortunate that I’ll have a decent pension but im doing every thing I can to save money so that I can retire earlier.

@iklboo

When I win Euromillions I'm opening a Mumsnet Escape Hotel for everyone who wants to run away for a break.

Please can I come? It will be a safe space where no one can ask Where are my shoes (shoe cupboard) Where is the milk (fridge) What day is the dentist (Monday it says on the calendar) What day do I take the kids swimming? (Friday same day it’s been for 3 years) And so on

@Beenheresincethebook

I’m early thirties and felt like this since 22 with the “wife work” Shite and lazy bastard DH. Only another few years to go till the kids move out and then il be off too and live alone for the rest of my life 😂😂😂

Why wait?

There's a community of women who live in little houses, can't remember where it is but they all look so happy!
I want to move there, literally fuck off with a backpack and live with them.......

Please can I come?
It will be a safe space where no one can ask
Where are my shoes (shoe cupboard)
Where is the milk (fridge)
What day is the dentist (Monday it says on the calendar)
What day do I take the kids swimming? (Friday same day it’s been for 3 years)
And so on

You can change your answer though.
"I dont know"
Repeat as needed.
At first DH asked why I was being " difficult" until I explained I didnt ask him the time, where my keys are, whats for dinner .
Heck I " managed" without asking anyone else.
Thankfully he got it.
Push back, stock phrase " no idea" " I dont know"
You dont have to facilitate this

@WhatWillSantaBring - omg yes, they always ask me what the weather is. I'm not Michael sodding Fish.

@bigbluebus

Went out for a meal with a couple of friends last week - we're all in our 50's with young adult DC (2 of us still have them living at home). We were discussing what sort of (fabulous) house we could buy together if we all ditched our husbands and took 50% of the assets and pooled them.

Do it! You can be like the Golden Girls.

I’m late 30s, 2 young DC and fantasise about bolting all the time. As soon as the youngest turns 18 I want a nice little house with a lot of cats and a spare room for writing and doing crafts. Or I might just pack my laptop and become a digital nomad and never come home.

Can totally identify with this thread and have enjoyed reading the comments and nodding along! I'm 49 and quite frankly had enough too.

Reminds me of when I had to go to A&E at the height of the first lockdown (suspected heart attack which turned out to be anxiety). The ambulance people were very apologetic about the fact that no one could accompany me to A&E. "Not a problem for me" I said, brushing past my family and practically jumping into the back of the ambulance. Had such a nice day in A&E (it was empty), sitting reading my book and playing on my phone between the various tets etc. Someone even brought me a cup of tea and a sandwich! All the time smiling to myself about the working from home, homeschooling, food prep hell I'd left behind for the day

The Woman Who Went to Bed for a Year by Sue Townsend is a good read too!

I'm 48 and on the cusp of something (hopefully not just the menopause). I'd like to leave work, but there's the damned mortgage and I haven't got a clue what else to do.

I was sitting in the sun the weekend, Covid ridden, and thinking about Shirley Valentine - how in the film, the actress was 43, 5 years younger than me.

Covid has taken its toll on my body this week, but there was a silver lining of passing everything back to DH and the teens, crawling under the duvet and letting them be the family brain.

Then I got up, found my Basil plants dead and a pile of empty Pot Noodles in their wake, but now I totally get why in films or TV the wife/mother sometimes fantasises about a minor hospital stay to escape the drudge.

'I have allowed myself to lead this little life, when inside me there was so much more. ...'