Things you shouldn't say to people who are struggling to conceive

[NoEffingWay]

This one's personal....

1. 'I know it will happen for you'- a) you don't know b) it didn't happen
2. 'just relax and it will happen'- a) it's the opposite of relaxing ttc b) it didn't happen
3. 'Just adopt'- not for me thanks, and we are too old etc
4. 'surely your child is lonely?'- errr, thanks?? I will just produce a sibling from my handbag then!

Any other nuggets of wisdom out there?

Just before you start IVF treatment it'll happen, when you least expect it.
Surprise - it didn't.

Everything happens for a reason. Erm, no it doesn’t. Some things just happen and they’re devastating and shit.

Have you tried…. [insert random unproven treatment e.g vaginal steaming] and then refer to your mum’s best friend’s daughter’s aunty who miraculously got pregnant after trying it.

'My mum says you only get pregnant when you stop trying to get pregnant'.

'I bet you'll get pregnant just before you're seen for your fertility appointment, that happens all the time!'

'You just need a holiday/distraction/to stop thinking about it'

Grr.

Ha! "it'll happen when you relax!" 😂

Hun, I've done relaxed, ive just psychotic, I've done everywhere in the middle. Guess what, makes no difference!

"What will be will be"

"You're still young yet/you've got plenty of time"

‘Ooohhh, I’m mot sure I’d trust all those medications’

‘Just relax’ is grindingly awful though.

*not, sorry

" You're so lucky you've got DS." I heard that a lot, and I know it's true, but it doesn't help.

Why would anyone know you're trying to conceive anyway? If you don't tell anyone they'll have no need to comment.....

"Are you sure you're doing it right?" (She is one of my favourite in-laws and is generally better at gauging her humour so I forgave her)

Once we had adopted DS - "Oh, you'll definitely get pregnant now that you've adopted, it happens all the time". Quite a few people said that, I don't know why they would think that as I've only met two families that happened to in my whole life.

Not a goady question but what would you like people to say?

I’ve just been diagnosed with blocked tubes and a well meaning relative commented that there’s still hope that we’ll conceive without IVF.

romdowa For me, just having empathy that it’s a rubbish situation. I don’t want people to offer their idea of a solution or tell me that it will all be fine when we don’t know that it will.

People find it hard to just sit with other people’s sadness but it’s far kinder to do that.

Ideally I would like people to operate a 'your uterus, your opinion' approach.

I received a lot of unsolicited advice. When people would ask repeatedly often the same people why I didn't have another baby, I would patiently explain I was almost infertile and had already had three miscarriages. I spent years being given unhelpful advice from people who had no right or reason.

@Greytminds if I tell you I actually spent time dangling my nethers over a steaming bowl of water and herbs and trying not to burn my flaps, you’d know how desperate I was

"Oh person x had (completely unrelated) condition and miraculously got pregnant!"

"Would you like me to be your surrogate?" (It was male factor infertility)

"Your infertility is less sad than mine because at least you have a womb!" (On Mumsnet, posted by a transwoman who had fathered children before transition)

I told very few people, so I wanted people just to acknowledge how hard it was and send us good thoughts. No advice unless you had been through it.

You’ve been married how long? No children? Don’t you like children?

When I finally got pregnant I was told I was selfish having a child so late in life as I was sure to die before they grew up. I had my boys at 36 and 38.

to all. I never did have children and this is all in my past but it's so bloody painful when you're going through it.

@romdowa

Not a goady question but what would you like people to say?

I would like to know the answer please. I have said most of the things OP has mentioned to friends TTC. You can't say tough shit innit, its human to want to give hope to a friend struggling. So what would OP want to hear?

@romdowa

Not a goady question but what would you like people to say?

I do think this sometimes. We are told all of the wrong things to say, what's the right one?

@Mantlemoose

Why would anyone know you're trying to conceive anyway? If you don't tell anyone they'll have no need to comment.....

Because people ask. And sometimes judge, usually before they know.

"Not having kids then?" "do you not want a baby?" "best get a move on if you want any children!" "he'll leave you if you can't give him any babies!" (that was special!)

And then you have the "only one?" "it's selfish to just have one child" "you should have another before the age gap is too big" "you'll regret only having one"

Or I say "oh, we'd love/have loved more"
And they say "are you going to have any then?"
And i say "well we lost a little boy last year and I've had to MCs since"...

And then you get the "advice".

You can't say tough shit innit, its human to want to give hope to a friend struggling. So what would OP want to hear?

"I'm so sorry, that's absolutely shit"

The thing is, the person struggling with infertility doesn't need your hope. I don't mean that in a nasty way, but at the point when you're officially struggling, you've run out of hope and good will towards hope and it's just a grinding 'see what happens'. Just be a friend and let them hate it if that's what they need.

I got told by one of my seniors who's a nurse when I was having a shitty round of IVF (nothing was going right and took twice as long a round should do)
That..... I know it's not the same as having a child but why don't you get a dog!? I love my dog! (And 2 children 🙄)

@romdowa

Not a goady question but what would you like people to say?

Personally I’d prefer people not to comment at all, I rarely bring up infertility or our ivf treatment but if I did I’d like people to listen and not think they can offer solutions.