Things you shouldn't say to people who are struggling to conceive

[NoEffingWay]

This one's personal....

1. 'I know it will happen for you'- a) you don't know b) it didn't happen
2. 'just relax and it will happen'- a) it's the opposite of relaxing ttc b) it didn't happen
3. 'Just adopt'- not for me thanks, and we are too old etc
4. 'surely your child is lonely?'- errr, thanks?? I will just produce a sibling from my handbag then!

Any other nuggets of wisdom out there?

"You fall pregnant quick after a miscarriage" 🙄

'Damn, that's one ugggggly baby with that woman accross the street. Like a bulldog chewing a wasp. Why do people want them?'.

...apparently that's not OK to say to anyone.
Who knew xD

I don’t understand why you would discuss it with someone who Isnt a medical person.

@JulesRimetStillGleaming. That sounds like a very tough decision to make.
I really hope that if you go ahead ivf will work for you.

Ideally I would like people to operate a 'your uterus, your opinion' approach

Then really why are you discussing something with people that you obviously think is none of their business?

@MrsDThomas

I don’t understand why you would discuss it with someone who Isnt a medical person.

Because people ask, and judge. Like a previous poster, having DS1 was very simple. He got to about 2 and we decided we'd "stop preventing", a year later we started "trying properly". That was December 2019. I'm one post 20 week loss and 2 MCs in so far.

The amount of people who have said things like "only children are spoiled/he needs a sibling /you don't want an only child, they're always weird /only children are selfish /you're being selfish not giving him a sibling/you best get on with a sibling for him." Honourable mention goes to a bloke at church who said "you're lagging behind, my DS and DIL have had 3 in the time it's taken you to have one! What's wrong with you?!"

It's a bit easier to shut them down with "well his baby brother died last year actually" now. But it shouldn't have to be like that.

"I know of a couple that couldn't conceive and then their doctor told them to relax and get a dog..." we all know how that one ends. No my fertility issues can't be solved with a dog.

"You never know you might just get pregnant naturally now you have one baby (conceived through IVF) I know a couple that happened to..." This was said to me by a receptionist at a fertility clinic who should know better 🙄 Nope it's literally impossible. And even after telling her it's impossible she continued to say "you never know..."

@MrsDThomas

I don’t understand why you would discuss it with someone who Isnt a medical person.

@MrsDThomas Generally you don’t discuss it with other people. However you will find that if you are a woman 30+ with a partner, other people feel they have a right to comment on your lack of children.

Well I'm feeling very virtuous reading this thread because I couldn't care less about other people's fertility and have never, ever enquired or voiced an opinion about people's plans in that regard.

@MrsDThomas

I don’t understand why you would discuss it with someone who Isnt a medical person.

What’s the appropriate response then when you get uninvited comments such as:

“Bet your Mrs is keen to have a baby, you’ve been married a few years now!”

(Yes, happened recently).

People are trying to make themselves feel better by saying all these things.

Yes, it's uncomfortable. You just need to be sympathetic and say you're sorry they're going through it. And not make it about yourself.

@Mantlemoose

Why would anyone know you're trying to conceive anyway? If you don't tell anyone they'll have no need to comment.....

Because you have two options when experiencing infertility... A) say nothing and have people repeatedly making comments such as 'you'll be next', 'come on now, we need another baby in the family', 'don't be leaving it too long, you'll miss your opportunity', 'your not getting any young', 'your married now so it won't be long' etc etc repeat repeat and you come up with defences such as changing the subject, saying your enjoying your ever ageing youth, saying 'maybe one day' as if you haven't yet considered it. B) be honest about your struggles in the hopes people find some empathy and leave you be without daft comments (although I do appreciate a lot of daft comments are said from a good place).

@romdowa

Not a goady question but what would you like people to say?

Nothing really. If you've been told and are not a close person it's usually in relation to having asked a personal question like 'when are you having kids?'. In that case just say something like 'I apologise for being so personal, it sounds really tough, if you ever want to talk about it I'm happy to listen'. If your close to someone and they use you as a sounding board then just be that, someone who listens, acknowledges they are having a shit time. It's not about being negative and saying 'your right it will never happen for you, I can just sense it', but not about giving false promises or reassurances you cannot make happen. I get it's tricky, and most comments come from a good place (which is why I tended not to let it upset me as I knew it wasn't malicious), but it's a very sensitive subject and it's not easy on either end.

@MrsDThomas

I don’t understand why you would discuss it with someone who Isnt a medical person.

Do you mean Jane who works in the post office or discuss it with close friends? It’s a big thing to be dealing with. You talk about it to process what’s going on, not because you want medical advice. When I had post viral fatigue, that was just as bad for people trying to fix it with stories of miracle cures that happened to their second cousin’s aunt’s hairdresser. People don’t need to give advice. The best thing to do is just listen and recognise what a rubbish situation it is.

I hate any sentence that starts with “at least…”
Eg:
At least your house will stay tidy
At least you’ll never experience morning sickness
At least you’ll keep your figure and not get stretch marks
At least you’ll have time to focus on your career
At least you’ll have loads of money and time for hobbies and holidays
At least you never really seemed to want them

Most of those are untrue as well as unhelpful.

The jokey responses are awful too. Do you want one of mine?

When people used to ask about our only having the one I was tempted to enquire whether it was our sex life or medical history that particularly interested them. Never actually did so though.

As to what people should say/do:
-Don't ask these sorts of questions
-If you know that someone is struggling, just say something along the lines of : "that must be a hard thing to go through". Listen and help to distract.

• Likewise, if a friend is struggling to conceive or has suffered a miscarriage or similar, try to see her separately from other friends who are pregnant or who have babies

@romdowa

Not a goady question but what would you like people to say?

Yes. What would be helpful?

Yes. What would be helpful?

Loads of us have already answered. Read the thread.

"I'm so sorry, how are you coping? do you want a cuppa? I've got cake...."

One of my DM's gems... "on well, I wouldn't see it much anyway" on musing whether or not SHE was going to have a grandchild and the fact we lived over 200 miles away 🤦🏼‍♀️

It’s struck me that the mindset of being “helpful” and being “supportive” are probably very different.

Think about being supportive-you can’t change what they’re going through. You can’t fix it and advice about how to change the situation is going to be pointless and upsetting. Being there as your friend is going through it to listen and support as they want is the right way forward.

Someone on MN (I think it was a TTC over 40 thread) asked me if I'd thought about going on holiday over the two week wait. That was after my second miscarriage and long periods of no conception. Wasn't sure that was a viable month on month solution.

@CP26

I hate the ones who tell you how they would have accepted infertility had it happened to them and had such a fulfilling life without kids. As if they have any idea what life is like after the heartbreak and trauma of infertility.

Oh yes! It's always women who have a couple of children that say ivf shouldn't be funded by nhs to anyone cos they would have just accepted childlessness or adopted (which is obviously the answer to the issue of infertility 🙄). It's easy to say how you'd feel about something having never experienced it. But I think everyone who has experienced infertility couldn't disagree with these comments more, which only tells me that if life had had a different outcome then they would have the exact opposite opinions too. But try to say that and you get 'I know how I'd feel about it, I'm entitled to my opinion'. Yeah course you are... about a subject you know nothing about 🤦‍♀️🤣

Slightly different but my baby was stillborn and I have had the following said to me.

‘She is in a better place’ what better than in my arms?!???

‘She was too beautiful for this world’ …I get this is meant to sound nice but it does not make me feel better. I want my baby in this world with me!!

‘At least this happening has got X talking to me again!’ …I’m glad my baby dying resolved your family disputes and that I could be of service!! ….said by my MIL 2 days after my loss.

There’s been more as well!

@Auroreforet

This is a genuine question. I was friends with a very old lady who had miscarriages and was eventually told she couldn't have dc. Because this was in the 40's and 50's she just had to accept that she would remain childless.

If you have been through rounds/years of ivf and all of the physical and emotional trauma that goes with it do you ever wish that it was a simple,albeit devastating, sorry you cannot have dc.
And if the ivf doesn't work how do you decide when to stop trying?

I hope these aren't insensitive questions?

We’ve done two rounds of ivf which we got through the NHS.

Both times got as far as implanting embryos, first time didn’t work, second time became pregnant but then had a miscarriage.

After that we couldn’t afford private treatment and tbh even if we did have the money I don’t know if I could honestly go through it again.

It’s not so much as deciding to stop trying as having to come to accept it won’t happen, ever.

That’s a hard thing to come to terms with, and yes we could and still may adopt but that’s not a simple or easy process either, and it doesn’t take away from the fact we’ll never be able to have children naturally.

@MrsXx4

Slightly different but my baby was stillborn and I have had the following said to me.

‘She is in a better place’ what better than in my arms?!???

‘She was too beautiful for this world’ …I get this is meant to sound nice but it does not make me feel better. I want my baby in this world with me!!

‘At least this happening has got X talking to me again!’ …I’m glad my baby dying resolved your family disputes and that I could be of service!! ….said by my MIL 2 days after my loss.

There’s been more as well!

I’m so sorry for your loss, this is just awful x