Things you shouldn't say to people who are struggling to conceive

[NoEffingWay]

This one's personal....

1. 'I know it will happen for you'- a) you don't know b) it didn't happen
2. 'just relax and it will happen'- a) it's the opposite of relaxing ttc b) it didn't happen
3. 'Just adopt'- not for me thanks, and we are too old etc
4. 'surely your child is lonely?'- errr, thanks?? I will just produce a sibling from my handbag then!

Any other nuggets of wisdom out there?

‘Be happy with the one you have’

‘It’s not the end of the world’

Babies need to know you really want them before they come to you. As if, if you wanted to be a mother hard enough a pregnancy would just manifest itself. Ergo, these people who weren't even trying actually are better parents than you, who has been having painful, expensive and invasive treatments for years.

Oh the ‘there’s still time for it to happen’ people, who know we’ve done two rounds of ivf, one that ended in miscarriage - no, I need to accept this won’t happen now and saying it will is ridiculous and painful.

I think this is fuelled by the way infertility is depicted in the media, the stories that are told are always about people who have been through it and struggled with infertility but now have their ‘miracle baby’ because of xyz.

I’m happy for them, I really am, but I’ve rarely heard anyone in the media talk to people who it hasn’t worked for so if you’ve not been in it then it must be easy to assume you just have ivf and it always works.

The people who are in infertility forever and will never have that baby, those stories are the hardest ones, and they don’t get told.

I know people want a happy ending but that’s not the reality for everyone.

@romdowa

Not a goady question but what would you like people to say?

How about NOTHING? Do you need to comment on other people’s sex life or family size? I never discussed my MC and TTC problems outside of close circle of friends and still I had a ton of unsolicited comments:

“DC needs a sibling”
“Isn’t it time you have a second”
“You are waiting around for a second”
“You need to have more sex to get pregnant”

‘Be happy with the one you have’

Having never been able to have a child, I have some sympathy with this one.

Forgot to add: But I never said it because I'm not an arse.

Well two of my friends are going through fertility treatment, I know this as they've told me🤷‍♀️ I think saying nothing when they've told me this would be quite hurtful as well.

@romdowa

Not a goady question but what would you like people to say?

"I'm sorry, it's fucking shit. Would you like a hug, bottle of wine or something to break?"

“It’s just not meant to be this month”

“Just stop trying and it will happen”

“You’re trying too hard, stress won’t make it happen”

“Be patient”

To be fair, I don’t think I’d consider myself as ‘struggled’ to conceive because both times we conceived after 7 months. For me I was just shocked that it could take up to a year for a healthy couple to conceive when sex education taught us that unprotected sex=pregnancy. I thought it would be easy and instant, so when we were ready to start trying I expected to be pregnant and have a baby within a month or two. - it irritates me getting the above comments. I can’t imagine how hurtful it must sound to the people who have been trying years..

My fingers and toes are crossed for all!

@romdowa

Well two of my friends are going through fertility treatment, I know this as they've told me🤷‍♀️ I think saying nothing when they've told me this would be quite hurtful as well.

You can say something, it just doesn't have to be advice or judgement, it can be simple acknowledgment and sympathy.

I hate that invariably we get told (upon finding out we’ve had quite a few failed rounds of IVF)

“My neighbour’s sister’s dogsitter’s friend had eleventy billion rounds of IVF and it worked on their last go just when they’d given up hope! Just keep going!”

First of all:-

• By definition, the last go at IVF is always the one that works
• Each round costs £8k+ once you’ve run out of NHS funding
• The more IVF you do, the harder it is physically. Exponentially, not linearly in my case
• It perpetuates that you just need to Keep Going and you’re a failure/not trying hard enough/don’t want it badly enough if you can’t because of money or the physical toll on your body.

The only acceptable thing to say is “God I’m so sorry, that’s really shit. Let me know if you want to talk about it” and then shut up.

I think this is fuelled by the way infertility is depicted in the media, the stories that are told are always about people who have been through it and struggled with infertility but now have their ‘miracle baby’ because of xyz.

I agree there’s lots of “our miracle baby” stories.

I did once hear an interview on radio 4 about 2 women who had come to terms with infertility and how they had rebuilt their lives. I was going through IVF at the time (which ultimately failed) and was sobbing my eyes out. But it was good to hear their story but I agree it’s not one you often hear.

@BonesandBooth

I told very few people, so I wanted people just to acknowledge how hard it was and send us good thoughts. No advice unless you had been through it.

Exactly. And even if you went through this, stories are so different that it might be different.

After a mc "Oh was it because you were stressed?"
"Yeah thanks, I definitely caused it by not being chilled enough" I wasn't even stressed!

I've just remembered that a counsellor told me off for being angry at infertility, and that a baby would not come into an 'unhappy space'.

I asked her how rape victims were ever impregnated and she sighed at me, the utter weapon.

Every time my gran heard of someone having a miscarriage, she'd sigh and say " It's nature's way....."

" Have you thought about getting a pet to take your mind off things" and "Having children isn't all it's cracked up to be"
Both said by someone with 5 children

Do you feel less of a woman because you cannot have children - said by my MIL.

I never forgave her and it was 35 years ago.

Five what a bitch.

Someone on here was talking about how people without children aren't proper adults. She got told.

I think all I ever needed to hear was "I'm
sorry, it's really shit". No advice, no false hope just an acknowledgment that it was a crap thing to go through

@Wrongsideofhistorymyarse - thank you. I think another 35 years should see me forgive her!

'It's god's plan.' Well, he needs a new fucking plan then doesn't he.

And the other one isn't so much a phrase or saying, but a behaviour. Some people will sigh at you, head-tilt, do the little sadface frown thing and then clutch their own children closer. Used to drive me potty.

The two I hate the most:

"My friend's cousin's colleague's neighbour got pregnant on her Xth attempt, don't give up". Someone else's pregnancy literally has not bearing on my ability to become pregnant or not.

"Just embrace the child-free life, you're so lucky, just think of all of the travel, hobbies you can do, the money you can spend on x, y, z instead". First, you can actually do all of those things with children, and second, I can't do any of those things because I pretty much bankrupted myself paying for failed IVF.

Not a goady question but what would you like people to say?
Just acknowledge and sympathise, don't try to "fill the gap". And if you have children, recognise that you cannot understand the struggle.

Oh god, I thought of another one!
"You can concentrate on being a favourite aunty instead, which is better because you get to hand them back at the end".

Wrongside that is horrific. I’m so angry for you reading that 😡