Things you shouldn't say to people who are struggling to conceive

[NoEffingWay]

This one's personal....

1. 'I know it will happen for you'- a) you don't know b) it didn't happen
2. 'just relax and it will happen'- a) it's the opposite of relaxing ttc b) it didn't happen
3. 'Just adopt'- not for me thanks, and we are too old etc
4. 'surely your child is lonely?'- errr, thanks?? I will just produce a sibling from my handbag then!

Any other nuggets of wisdom out there?

Stop trying and it will happen. Erm no it won't

I've been through this op, and really, people are just trying to be kind. What should they say?

I hate the ones who tell you how they would have accepted infertility had it happened to them and had such a fulfilling life without kids. As if they have any idea what life is like after the heartbreak and trauma of infertility.

Oh and the ones who don’t believe that infertility is an actual medical issue and think it’s all about bloody manifesting and relaxing. Actually it’s classified as a disease by the World Health Organisation.

LOL at manifesting. Given the choice I'd have manifested a life without dildo cams in it.

@TheVolturi

I've been through this op, and really, people are just trying to be kind. What should they say?

“I’m so sorry you’re going through that, that must be really hard. Let me know if you want to talk about it”.

The same thing you should say to people going through nearly any type of grief, loss or depression, to be honest.

My husband only had to look at me to get me pregnant.

"You're only early 30s so we have loads of time to play about with " - GP

"I had a MC and it made me realise I really wanted kids!" After I had a 12wk loss

"You just need to relax' x 100000

@romdowa

Well two of my friends are going through fertility treatment, I know this as they've told me🤷‍♀️ I think saying nothing when they've told me this would be quite hurtful as well.

It’s possible to listen and be sympathetic without offering your ideas of solutions or what you think will make it work

This is a genuine question.
I was friends with a very old lady who had miscarriages and was eventually told she couldn't have dc.
Because this was in the 40's and 50's she just had to accept that she would remain childless.

If you have been through rounds/years of ivf and all of the physical and emotional trauma that goes with it do you ever wish that it was a simple,albeit devastating, sorry you cannot have dc.
And if the ivf doesn't work how do you decide when to stop trying?

I hope these aren't insensitive questions?

And if the ivf doesn't work how do you decide when to stop trying?

I didn't get as far as IVF and take my hats off to women who go through it. We couldn't afford it, and I found that I was becoming more and more depressed after every hospital visit. So after a lot of soul searching I walked away for my own mental health.

That was ten years ago and I've become reconciled to the loss of my dreams to be a mother. My life is lovely, but not the life I'd envisioned as a young woman.

@Wrongsideofhistorymyarse
I'm sorry to hear that.
It seems unfair that money should be a factor of someone having ivf.

@Auroreforet

This is a genuine question. I was friends with a very old lady who had miscarriages and was eventually told she couldn't have dc. Because this was in the 40's and 50's she just had to accept that she would remain childless.

If you have been through rounds/years of ivf and all of the physical and emotional trauma that goes with it do you ever wish that it was a simple,albeit devastating, sorry you cannot have dc.
And if the ivf doesn't work how do you decide when to stop trying?

I hope these aren't insensitive questions?

I stopped after two lots of IVF and three lots of IUI. I stopped for a break as I had two frozen embryos left I could have used but I then decided to just get off the merry-go-round and stop altogether. I have a chronic health condition anyway and had just had enough of being poked around and not feeling my body was my own. I am very happily childless now and don’t regret it but I am lucky to be very happily married and to have a job I really love.

Choosing to stop is definitely not for everyone but for me it worked out.

@Chisandbiscuits thank you for sharing this.
I do admire women who put themselves through ivf.
I'm pleased you're happy.

@Auroreforet

Had I lived in the 40s or 50s I would have willingly gone down the adoption route because it was more common then, so my infertility would have been easier for me to accept, not necessarily for everyone but for me, yes.
I did look into adoption but it's very different now and I chose not to go ahead with it. I was glad to have had the possibility of IVF, even though it didn't work I don't regret trying.

How did I know when to stop trying? Unfortunately for me it was when the money ran out. I did not qualify for free treatment and three rounds of IVF was all I could afford. If I had the money available I would have carried on trying.

Solidarity and support to those on here who could use it.

I heard many of these things when we were having IVF. They don't help, and some of them are actively awful. I think PPs are right that most of the time it comes from a place of wanting to sympathize and not knowing what to say. And I think the helpful thing to do is hold your own discomfort and urge to provide solutions and just acknowledge that, yes, it's awful and you're happy to listen if it would help.

My BIL, who is not the world's most sensitive person, was brilliant at this, incidentally. And other, generally more emotionally articulate people were terrible, even though they meant well.

"I bet you'll end up with a lockdown baby, it's happening everyone". Well no, my fertility treatment being delayed by lockdown did not help me get pregnant. Also similar comments re going on holidays and Christmas. Times of the year where we may end up having more sex will not help us.

"It will happen for you. I know it". Some people might like this positivity but I just sit there screaming in my head that you don't know it and it might not happen.

"There's a baby waiting for you but it's looking down at your busy lives wondering where it will fit in so you need to make time to show the baby you want it". A fertility acupuncturist who latched on to our jobs as the problem even though we both have flexible jobs and good work/life balance.

I think the comments like "why are you telling people" are a bit harsh. I've told very few people and only when there's a reason, such a cancelling a weekend away with good friends due to a miscarriage. But infertility is really awful and just telling someone you're having a tough time can help or can explain why you're not yourself. I echo what people said about the best thing to say just being "I'm sorry, that's awful". I would rather be told "there's nothing I can say to make this better but if you ever need to vent I'm here" rather than be told to relax and eat some pineapple and brazil nuts while simultaneously putting my legs in the air and applying for adoption.

@fuzzymoomin sorry to hear that.
Again it's money, which highlights the inequality around fertility treatment.

The old lady I knew didn't adopt and I never felt it was my business to ask why not.

All the stories of their neighbours best friend Cousin who had a baby after being told it was impossible - not helpful

There's a baby waiting for you but it's looking down at your busy lives wondering where it will fit in so you need to make time to show the baby you want it". A fertility acupuncturist who latched on to our jobs as the problem even though we both have flexible jobs and good work/life balance

😱😱😱😱😱

Is there a regulatory body or somewhere to report them to?! That is disgusting.

I actually found older women, who had experienced pregnancy loss or infertility when it was even less socially acceptable, to be very genuine and supportive.

Things that you can say

Oh that sounds really hard
That must be very difficult for you
Is there anything I can do that would be helpful
Please let me know if you ever want to talk about it

If you absolutely 100% can't stop with the relax/vaginal steaming/take a holiday nonsense at the very very least ask "would you like my advice" before you launch into it.

@Mantlemoose

Why would anyone know you're trying to conceive anyway? If you don't tell anyone they'll have no need to comment.....

Not true. We had our first child without any difficulty. We began trying for our second. Never told anyone. We ended up having miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage. Again never told anyone about the miscarriages. If I had a pound for every time I was told “that child needs a brother or sister” or “don’t you think it’s time you had another?” Etc. Everyone assumed that if you can have one child, you can have another. No one was asked for their opinion. No one was told about our struggles. They all just felt it was fine to comment freely on our lives.

I have had 4 miscarriages and 1 cp ttc num 1 and a fella in work said to me think it's time you settled down, no one knows in work what I been through but to make it worse his partner had to have ivf to have there baby you would think he would know better 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈.

An other one just give up trust me you will have a better life without kids I felt like smacking her.

Things happen for a reason.

Was not meant to be.

Maybe your trying to hard like wtf.

Just say so sorry to hear that I'm here if you need a chat or even a night out to let your hair down.

It's not just about deciding to stop IVF it's deciding whether or not to start. My fertility tests show that my chances are quite low and I'd need a sperm donor. That's potentially an £8k gamble with odds of 5-10%.

I haven’t managed to have children. I have to accept it won’t happen but it doesn’t stop the nosey questions. ‘Oh better get a move on!’ From a colleague when I got 30, ‘don’t you want children’ yes I’d love a child but nature had other plans, my mum keeps saying ‘I need grandkids. Your auntie says I’d be so happy with A grandchild, the psychic says she saw a baby soon…so anything you want tell me?’ Yes I want to tell you to fuck off!