Things you shouldn't say to people who are struggling to conceive

[NoEffingWay]

This one's personal....

1. 'I know it will happen for you'- a) you don't know b) it didn't happen
2. 'just relax and it will happen'- a) it's the opposite of relaxing ttc b) it didn't happen
3. 'Just adopt'- not for me thanks, and we are too old etc
4. 'surely your child is lonely?'- errr, thanks?? I will just produce a sibling from my handbag then!

Any other nuggets of wisdom out there?

@MrsXx4

Slightly different but my baby was stillborn and I have had the following said to me.

‘She is in a better place’ what better than in my arms?!???

‘She was too beautiful for this world’ …I get this is meant to sound nice but it does not make me feel better. I want my baby in this world with me!!

‘At least this happening has got X talking to me again!’ …I’m glad my baby dying resolved your family disputes and that I could be of service!! ….said by my MIL 2 days after my loss.

There’s been more as well!

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl. She should be in your arms. ❤️

MrsX

@Mantlemoose

Why would anyone know you're trying to conceive anyway? If you don't tell anyone they'll have no need to comment.....

And then you get the other comments

When are you going to have a baby, you've been married ages you should get a move on.

Don't leave it too late

You'll be next

It's not too late you know

And my personal favourite from a single friend. "It's alright for you, I really want a baby but I need to meet someone first, you're lucky, you could have had a baby if you wanted"

fucking hell MrsX. some people are awful. better say nothing that letting your mouth run awya with you like that. So sorry about your lovely daughter. You are right she should be with you.

Urgh, "relax and it will happen" is THE worst! 7 years TTC, about to start privately funded IVF (not eligible for NHS) - pretty sure if it was going to happen naturally, it would have done by now!!

@Milkbottlelegs I didn't seek opinions from anyone. I had one child, naturally and it turns out he was a miracle conceived purely by chance.

He is nearly 10 and I have spent the last decade fielding questions from friends, colleagues, hairdressers, school mums and every bugger else.

If I had 20p for every time I have been asked, I would be a millionaire.

I usually go with 'one's enough thanks with a tinkly laugh' but it isn't enough to stop the barrage of opinion and the suggestions that somehow one child will end up damaged or spoilt. It is upsetting and frustrating. Even when I have explained reluctantly that I can't have any more, the suggestion of adoption comes up frequently.

I have only told one person to stfu, I deserve a medal!

Yes you do deserve a medal.

I started saying, coldly, ‘it’s not by choice’. Idea being that people MIGHT think twice before making unsolicited ‘observations’ / asking intrusive questions to others.

Everything happens for a reason.

Get drunk you'll get pregnant easily.

Relax it'll happen when you're least expecting it.

Also had with all my loses it wasn't meant to be 😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠.

Its really easy to say to people to butt out. Cmon, have some balls to say “mind your own business”.

@MrsDThomas

Its really easy to say to people to butt out. Cmon, have some balls to say “mind your own business”.

You can be my first, Butt out and mind your own business then MrsDThomas 🤷🏼‍♀️

@MrsDThomas

Its really easy to say to people to butt out. Cmon, have some balls to say “mind your own business”.

Is it? Even when they’re close friends and family who you know have good intentions despite being insensitive?

@HeyFloof. Well if most of you feel like that, why come here and get all upset that people don’t say the right things?

[quote MrsDThomas]@HeyFloof. Well if most of you feel like that, why come here and get all upset that people don’t say the right things?[/quote]
I'm not all upset. We're sharing a shit and sadly common experience. People mean well, they just get it wrong. Threads like this might show someone how not to speak.

Besides, telling people to "butt out" clearly doesn't work, I told you to and you're still here giving your opinion.

@MrsDThomas

Its really easy to say to people to butt out. Cmon, have some balls to say “mind your own business”.

It doesn’t make it any less hurtful though, it still feels like I’ve been kicked in the stomach to have someone ask something hideously intrusive out of nowhere.

No matter what my response is it doesn’t stop how I feel to be asked those things.

Just relax and it will happen. It didn’t.
Having a baby isn’t a right. Said to me by the nurse whilst poking the dildo cam round my insides.
It can’t be your fault, it must be his - women in our family have been having babies in their 40’s easily! It was my ‘fault’ and I don’t think I’ll ever have a natural pregnancy and haven’t so far.
Well, there’s always ivf.
Well, there’s always adoption.
Having kids isn’t all that great, you can have one of mine!
And the worst one I ever had - you’d make a terrible mother.

💐 to all struggling or who have struggled, it’s utterly shit.

@romdowa

Not a goady question but what would you like people to say?

I don't think your question is goady.

For me, I rarely talk about it with people, but thankfully those who know have been great. Usually they ask, how are you doing? how are you feeling. Fingers crossed for you this time around. Hope it goes well. And my favourite is " fuck me but that is shit" because it is shit and I really don't want people who haven't a clue telling me it will be fine.
Just met me where I am, have empathy and don't try to "fix" it. You can't. You can support but support is not fake hope. That is to make you feel better in a conversation you are awkward in and does nothing for the recipient.

And if the ivf doesn't work how do you decide when to stop trying?

For us it was age and money. Not in the UK so had to pay ourselves for everything.