Aaargh I’ve messed up. Need to say no after saying yes. How?!

[CarryOnNurse20]

This is entirely my fault I know so please be kind.

Best friend is getting married. Wants a 5 night hen do abroad. I initially said no, I have 2 kids, money is tight, not sure what will be happening next may around travel and just no.

Since then I’ve been guilted and badgered and reassured that it ‘won’t be that expensive’ by other bridesmaids. I’ve paid my portion of the accommodations (£100 for 4 nights which isn’t bad tbf). But the rest is just spiralling. They told me flights were £100 but they’re more like £120 and then you have to pay £40 odd each way for a bag (which I would need as included is only a handbag).

Then we would have to hire cars, I’m travelling from a different location to others so I’d have to hire one alone. Food, activities, possibly covid tests etc.

I’m so so so annoyed with myself that I said yes. I want to now say sorry I can’t make it I can’t afford it but don’t know how to say it. I don’t want/don’t expect my money back for accommodation- I agreed to that it’s my fault and I’m happy to contribute to the brides costs.

How do I say no (again) without looking like an idiot. Friend was not impressed when I initially said I couldn’t go and was really happy when I said I would try and booked on.

Eugh it’s a mess.

Have you worked out how much it will cost you?

Two lots of covid tests, what are those, £100 each? So £200
Meal out and drinks each night £50 x5 £250
Other food £100 if not eating out for lunch
Hire car at a guess £50 a day so £250
Flights £200

At a bare minimum I think you’re looking at £1,000 more aren’t you?

Hi @SheWoreYellow yes I have. Foolishly I initially listened to the bridesmaids (flights are £100! Car hire we will split between 4! We will eat at home every night’) but that’s not going to happen. I don’t want to send my friend the bride an itemised list of how much it’ll cost 😂 but when she says ‘oh we will do it cheaply’ I realise that even if we try it’ll cost money!

Be honest. That's all you can do.

I worked it out as a total of £650 but I imagine there would be additional costs.

All you can do is be honest and say due to the rising cost you can’t afford it.

I don’t understand these elaborate expensive hen dos! I had to turn down an invite to one for an old friend from uni days as her bridesmaid was asking for a deposit of £250!

Actually it's not your fault that other costs are spiralling beyond what you'd originally envisaged, so I think you can afford to be kind to yourself there.

I think you have to be upfront and just rip the sticking plaster off. Be clear and unambiguous, and if you're firm in your decision to not go, don't be swayed by pleading, bullying, guilt trips or requests to reconsider.

As for ways in -- you could explain that you were on the fence initially, you agreed because you thought costs would be kept under control, this isn't happening now that concrete plans are being made and it's going beyond your level of affordability. It's no one's fault, just the practicalities of the situation. With regret, you'll have to withdraw etc etc.

It's probably worth being prepared for a bit of blowback because brides can get a bit tunnel-vision around this kind of stuff.

But even if that happens, it's not your fault. A five-day event abroad simply isn't affordable for everyone and she will just have to accept that if that's how she wants to hen.

Have a frank conversation with her. If she’s a friend she’ll understand. On my hen we did a cheap weekend to Birmingham, but one of my bridesmaid really couldn’t afford it (she was a student and her partner was on min wage). I paid half and she paid the rest but only stayed for one night. Not saying the bride should pay for you but she should be understanding. £1k is stupidly expensive for a hen.

I don’t think it’s your fault. You said no, were made to feel bad, said yes and now costs are mounting up which you can’t afford. Just say you’ve looked again at the finances and with the latest costs update, it’s too much but you hope they all have a lovely time. Don’t let anyone guilt trip you.

Just be totally honest. You agreed as it was promised as a cheap break, but now costs have spiralled beyond what you can afford. Wish them a good time and leave it at that. A 5 day hen do is a staggeringly over the top expectation anyway. If friend isn't impressed, so what? You have lost £100 after they fibbed about the costs -you should be pissed off!

Best to say now if they can’t accept that money is right they are not real friends. Very kind of you to say keep the £100 and maybe get someone else to fill in for bit less instead so can go ahead. That would be many people’s main holiday of year. There’s no way that once there it’s not going be going out meals drinks and other tourist stuff and “let’s all chip in for the bride” extras!

Just say you've added things up and really can't afford to go. Just accept you will feel a bit guilty but it's a decent trade off for the stress of the spiralling costs amongst other things.

People like your friend piss me off. They are selfish and will always insist people fall in line with their plans and will make you feel like the worst person ever if you can't or don't want to do as they please. I had a friend like that. I'm happy we're not friends anymore.

Unreasonable of her to expect folk to drop a grand for her hen. In these trying times too. Shame on her.

YANBU. Say the costs are much higher than you expected and you'll join them on Zoom instead!

Sounds pricey and as you’ve said you have kids so make that clear. Your priorities may be different to the other girls and you need to put that across. It’s a lot of money for less than a weeks holiday and you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty if you can’t go. I think if the others can’t be understanding towards you then I dread to think what would happen going forward.

They should be embarrassed for not being totally upfront with you and pressuring you to spend money you can ill afford. Just tell them and hold your head up high.

I'd go to the bride, tell her the truth and hope she values your friendship enough to understand.

Do not be guilted or badgered into anything as you'll feel much worse of you go and spend all that money, just because you felt obligated.

I assume the wedding itself is also going to cost you?

I think if you do go you’ll be really miserable, thinking that everything is about to be expensive.

How much did you think it would cost/how much are you prepared to pay?

I wouldn’t be paying the bride’s costs, btw, that wouldn’t be normal in my friends groups.

I’d just say - Look, I would love to come but my absolute max I could afford is £X00. And I can see that’s not going to be enough, and I don’t want to put anyone in an awkward position or not be able to pay my way so I’m afraid I can’t come.

Do it quickly and clearly. Don’t leave any room for misunderstanding. Get mentally prepared for people to be unhappy but stand your ground. You aren’t doing anything wrong by pulling out.

I don't understand "friends" who badger you into spending money you can't afford ot just don't want to.

Sometimes I organise a social thing and sometimes they're expensive. I always say something like "it's a bit pricey, what do you think?" If the response is that's too much for me, that's the end of it.

I bet she's not covering the coat of your being bridesmaid either, is she?

Be honest and cut your losses at this stage.

Dear friend, I am now unable to go to the hen do. I need the money for my children.

Usually I don’t believe in justifying something but I think in this case if you don’t give a reason they are going to turn bitchy on you.

No one is going to begrudge you for putting your children first unless they are truly nasty in which case you are better off without them as friends!

yup, honest clear and don't be persuaded otherwise.

@Crunchymum yeah I’d definitely ring my friend first and speak to her.

Yeah it is- the wedding itself will be around £300 to attend + gifts + any last min bridesmaid costs (eg hair and make up and shoes we are paying ourselves). She’s a good friend and I don’t mind this at all for the actual wedding but the hen too it’s just too much.