Aaargh I’ve messed up. Need to say no after saying yes. How?!

[CarryOnNurse20]

This is entirely my fault I know so please be kind.

Best friend is getting married. Wants a 5 night hen do abroad. I initially said no, I have 2 kids, money is tight, not sure what will be happening next may around travel and just no.

Since then I’ve been guilted and badgered and reassured that it ‘won’t be that expensive’ by other bridesmaids. I’ve paid my portion of the accommodations (£100 for 4 nights which isn’t bad tbf). But the rest is just spiralling. They told me flights were £100 but they’re more like £120 and then you have to pay £40 odd each way for a bag (which I would need as included is only a handbag).

Then we would have to hire cars, I’m travelling from a different location to others so I’d have to hire one alone. Food, activities, possibly covid tests etc.

I’m so so so annoyed with myself that I said yes. I want to now say sorry I can’t make it I can’t afford it but don’t know how to say it. I don’t want/don’t expect my money back for accommodation- I agreed to that it’s my fault and I’m happy to contribute to the brides costs.

How do I say no (again) without looking like an idiot. Friend was not impressed when I initially said I couldn’t go and was really happy when I said I would try and booked on.

Eugh it’s a mess.

I do think so Carry. Many of us - i mean me here- think of ourselves as not very flush, but in fact I know I'm better off than most. It's easy to get used to having spare cash or resources you can access, even access to credit means you have more than some.

Its also about priorities. Of course you're not going to go into debt for a friend's wedding! But she might go into debt for her own wedding. People forget that you can be super close to someone but not want to soend every penny you have on their choices.

So true @PermanentTemporary. I was chatting to a friend who earns what I did pre kids (pre reducing hours etc) whose outgoings are much lower. The lifestyle she can afford and the disposable income is mindblowing now yet it’s exactly what I had. I wouldn’t have thought twice about this hen 6 years ago but now it’s completely out of reach. Kids are costlier than I ever ever thought!!

That is utterly ridiculous OP. You'd get a lovely break away with the DC for that. Apart from anything else will you have to take annual leave from work. That would probably annoy me more than the expense.

Thanks @SparkyBlue it’s reassuring that the vast majority thing I’m not being unreasonable. And yes if I’m spending that kind of money I want to be enjoying it with my family really! If I had more cash I’d love to do both but I’m not going on a hen and then not doing anything as a family as we are skint. Yeah I’d have to take a day A/L and pay an extra day nursery fees for my youngest. Another £50!

@CarryOnNurse20 so if you also need an extra days childcare it really isn't you being unreasonable. The whole situation doesn't work for you at all. You can always add in to any conversation that the nursery may not be able to take DC on that day. I know childcare around here is like gold dust and no way could you swop days or look for extra days . We had similar years ago but it was DH and a stag party. It involved a ridiculous amount of money and two days annual leave. He didn't go as we genuinely didn't have the money as the actual wedding itself also involved travel.

When my ex SIL was bride, she tried to guilt me in to spending money on her hen. I declined partly because I didn’t like her and partly because I couldn’t afford it. After the event she was telling me all about it and how great it was that her friends had made the effort even though they were struggling for money. I responded that I preferred to be able to pay rent and hoped her friends didn’t struggle to pay theirs that month just to go to her hen night. I said I was glad my friends wouldn’t do that to me. She said some things were more important than rent. Yeah, easy to say when my brother is paying yours. We really didn’t get on!

But yeah, OP, just pull out. A good friend will understand. A bad friend isn’t worth worrying about.

yup all you can be is honest! you're being responsible now you know the facts. don't stress you're doing the right thing 100% and if they think the worse of you for it who cares.

Well done OP I had to pull out of a weekend recently due to finances, it feels hard but you sound like you've done better than me. My lovely friends wanted to pay for me etc etc and it took ages to get them to respect my position

Any update? I hope it went well, OP.

@momtoboys finally had a response which was this:

‘…. taken me a while to respond as I don’t really know what to say obviously I am gutted and really disappointed 😢 I was under the impression that the place was nice a close to bars and restaurants and things so we could walk and didn’t need to get taxis everywhere and last time I looked at flights from X they were less than £100. I don’t want things to cost the earth and am happy just chilling out at the villa and going to the local supermarket and getting cheap booze and just play games and chill out. There are a few other people that are coming that also don’t have much money so it won’t be going crazy! I have to be honest, this isn’t something that has come out of the blue and surely it is something that would have been saving for at least since we got engaged? If we were doing a home hen it would be at least £200 if not more and that wouldn’t factor in travel cost to get there which I know for example trains to get to York were over £100 for me on top of the price of the price paid. I know this isn’t a decision you would have come to lightly and don’t mean to make you feel bad but it has really upset me. I also don’t want to fall out or be bridezilla but need to be honest with how it has made me feel x‘

Wtf do I say to that

Also good lord don’t put this on the daily Mail as it’s v outing 😂😂

I think that's a very fair and balanced reply from her in a really good way. You need to explain you don't think she's a bridezilla and pre children you wouldn't have thought twice about it, but the damn blighters are expensive and unfortunately you just can't afford it. She's right you haven't arrived at the decision lightly and you're so glad she understanding. The last thing you want to do is upset her, but you need to make sure you have enough money for the wedding, hair etc.

Is the £100 train tickets to York referring to your wedding or her do?

It's hard, isn't it?

I'd just reassure her that you don't think she's a Bridezilla at all and it all sounds like she's put a lot of thought and care into planning it, just it's too much for you and you hope she understands how hard times are.

This issue seems to come up so often when it’s the Bride organising her own hen do rather than the maid of honour or a bridesmaid!

Tbh I do think you’re being a bit unreasonable because all of the costs were perfectly foreseeable. Of course flights aren’t a fixed price! And you have to pay for a bag with every airline now, even BA. You could make this cheaper by sharing bags as you won’t need much for 4 nights abroad. I’m not sure about the car hire either - can’t you get a lift to the airport?

… I don’t think that’s a fair reply from the bride??!

Telling you surely it’s something you must have been saving for since she got engaged?! Is she the only person in the world who has got engaged?

Just reply, “thank you for understanding, so looking forward to celebrating with you in person when you’re back”

@HotToddyColdSauvignon

… I don’t think that’s a fair reply from the bride??!

Telling you surely it’s something you must have been saving for since she got engaged?! Is she the only person in the world who has got engaged?

Just reply, “thank you for understanding, so looking forward to celebrating with you in person when you’re back”

I agree with this.

Don't get drawn into conversation as she may well try to get you to change your mind.

Just reply, “thank you for understanding, so looking forward to celebrating with you in person when you’re back”

This, wot @HotToddyColdSauvignon said

@HotToddyColdSauvignon I used the word fair thinking about the message overall. I agree it's weird of her to say she expects people to have saved, but with a good friend who I want to stay friends with, I'd just ignore that specific point as debating it further won't help either of them move forward and is more likely to cause friction.

Do people not realise that once one person does this, the trend is set for every other subsequent bride in the friendship group to expect the same amount spending on them? What happens when the bride has a baby: is she going to be up for spending £1000 of the family holiday budget on a hen do while she's on maternity leave? What happens when she goes down to part-time working because she has two children and someone in the original friendship group wants the same hen experience? This could spiral on for years, unless the people who get married later have to accept that nobody will be able to afford the same budget when they get married. Will that seem fair?

Just reply, “thank you for understanding, so looking forward to celebrating with you in person when you’re back”

Yeah, this. This gives you the best chance of salvaging the friendship.

Saving for the holiday since she got engaged! Is she kidding! WTAF tho. Who assumes an entitlement to someone else’s money! Absolutely fucking batshit. But if that’s how she thinks you won’t change it.

Just know you are 100% in the right and putting your family first. Don’t move from that.

Get your post with her message on deleted for goodness sake. This is definitely ending up in a paper somewhere

However, if it does Bride should know her request is fucking mental. What happened to going to the local city for a hen do? You're just getting married, it not really that big of deal. Some people are so self absorbed

Definitely go with the "thanks for understanding " reply.

Yeah , don't get into the nuts and bolts with her- I don't think it is fair that she expects her hen to be something you save for!

I am fairly stable financially, but have told friends recently that I will be focusing on saving as the current climate with energy and petrol and food has spooked me a bit- I won't be making anyone else's events a financial priority for a while now. Some people may think that is overkill, but I am single, in a rented home so I need as much security as poss

What an absolute cheek that she thinks you should have been saving for this since she got engaged!!! You’ve got children FFS. If you’re going to be saving for anything you’d be saving for them surely.
I think it’s a complete piss take to be honest. People are so entitled. Hen parties and weddings cause so many fallings out.
I once heard a girl talking about her hen do who was annoyed that her friend couldn’t come. She said ‘it’s a grand. Who can’t get hold of a grand?!’ Un bloody believable. She wasn’t particularly well off herself. I don’t get it