Aaargh I’ve messed up. Need to say no after saying yes. How?!

[CarryOnNurse20]

This is entirely my fault I know so please be kind.

Best friend is getting married. Wants a 5 night hen do abroad. I initially said no, I have 2 kids, money is tight, not sure what will be happening next may around travel and just no.

Since then I’ve been guilted and badgered and reassured that it ‘won’t be that expensive’ by other bridesmaids. I’ve paid my portion of the accommodations (£100 for 4 nights which isn’t bad tbf). But the rest is just spiralling. They told me flights were £100 but they’re more like £120 and then you have to pay £40 odd each way for a bag (which I would need as included is only a handbag).

Then we would have to hire cars, I’m travelling from a different location to others so I’d have to hire one alone. Food, activities, possibly covid tests etc.

I’m so so so annoyed with myself that I said yes. I want to now say sorry I can’t make it I can’t afford it but don’t know how to say it. I don’t want/don’t expect my money back for accommodation- I agreed to that it’s my fault and I’m happy to contribute to the brides costs.

How do I say no (again) without looking like an idiot. Friend was not impressed when I initially said I couldn’t go and was really happy when I said I would try and booked on.

Eugh it’s a mess.

Oh I don’t know. I thought her reply was really fair. She’s obviously gutted and upset you’re not going to be there.

No I'm not saying the response was rude it wasn't at all! I think it was fair. However, the fact still stands I can't afford it. I have sent her a reply saying I would rather just be honest, gutted to miss it and although I budgeted I didnt anticipate her wanted to go abroad with covid etc.

We ALL know it won't be a budget do, however much it's claimed it will be. Five days (!), hire cars, food, drink...even "staying in" won't be cheap.
Her reply wasn't too bad, apart from the thinking you should have been saving up since her engagement! Don't feel you need to justify or defend your position with message after message. You've told her why you can't go, wished her well and will see her when she's back. That's fine. She needs to accept it and move on.

Wow this is the 2nd thread this week where a hen do is causing guilt, worry and stress. The expectations are ridiculous in my opinion. Don't feel bad OP. I had a night out in my home town, with lots of people in attendance as it was asking very little- dinner and drinks. I don't really get this notion of having a whole weekend or longer and asking people to spend more than they can afford, it's not really in the spirit of the occasion after all.

I dont think she is fair actually in the sense that why should everyone be saving money for her 5 night hen do.

Hen dos have gotten out of control.

Hold the line OP simply state that you have tried to save the money but you simply dont have it and you agree you dont want to fall out over it and hope she has a good time

She’s totally unreasonable and it sounds as though she was still expecting you to go - even against your own wish to be there. Insane.

@PersonaNonGarter that’s the thing that worried me a bit. I responded making it clear it was still a no. I feel awful now and have been near to tears all day. We’ve been friends for over 10 years.

So £260 for flight/luggage/accommodation.

You're going to need to hire a car so another £80 odd.

Food and drink for 5 nights will be at least £60.

That's minimum £400, without going out at all. It'll more likely be £500.

Have you told her how this is all going to add up?

It’s hard but people (brides) quickly lose sight of how important their wedding isn’t.

Your family is your priority. Have a good cry and then take your DCs and DH for a day out on money you wouldn’t have had if you had to go. It will be so much better spent than on a round of drinks in a yuck bar.

@BeepingBB I have costed up but I don’t want to send it to her really. Other people are happy to pay it and I want her to have a good time. I don’t want to guilt her or make her think she’s being horrible or spoilt I just want her to understand I personally can’t afford it.

Your friend is so rude, trying to guilt you into going. And who starts saving when a friend gets engaged?!

Does she anyone else cares as much about her wedding as her?! Bizarre

I'd reply to her to thank her for understanding and book a lovely meal or a cheap spa day with her if she's happy to accept the gesture.

So, let me get this straight.

You have to pay for your own hair and makeup at her wedding.
You have to cover her portion of the hen do.
She’s decided a hen abroad is what she wants.

So basically, she can’t afford the do she wants so everyone else has to subsidise her?!

Fuck.
That.

I would be so annoyed at her responses. No they’re not ‘rude’ but they are completely Bridezilla regardless of whether she thinks they are.

Honestly, cost it up for her. You can do it in a non confrontational way but cost it up, itemise it and say that this is what is is currently costing. Sometimes people need to see things in black and white to truly get it. Because at the moment it sounds like she thinks you’re quibbling over a couple of hundred pounds (which I realise would still be out of reach for a lot of people). She needs to know that it’s gone beyond that.