Aaargh I’ve messed up. Need to say no after saying yes. How?!

[CarryOnNurse20]

This is entirely my fault I know so please be kind.

Best friend is getting married. Wants a 5 night hen do abroad. I initially said no, I have 2 kids, money is tight, not sure what will be happening next may around travel and just no.

Since then I’ve been guilted and badgered and reassured that it ‘won’t be that expensive’ by other bridesmaids. I’ve paid my portion of the accommodations (£100 for 4 nights which isn’t bad tbf). But the rest is just spiralling. They told me flights were £100 but they’re more like £120 and then you have to pay £40 odd each way for a bag (which I would need as included is only a handbag).

Then we would have to hire cars, I’m travelling from a different location to others so I’d have to hire one alone. Food, activities, possibly covid tests etc.

I’m so so so annoyed with myself that I said yes. I want to now say sorry I can’t make it I can’t afford it but don’t know how to say it. I don’t want/don’t expect my money back for accommodation- I agreed to that it’s my fault and I’m happy to contribute to the brides costs.

How do I say no (again) without looking like an idiot. Friend was not impressed when I initially said I couldn’t go and was really happy when I said I would try and booked on.

Eugh it’s a mess.

Be straight.
I told you I would really struggle to afford it.
I was badgered into stretching myself and told figures that are now rising and I cannot afford it.

If you lose this friendship then tbh it's not that great a loss since she clearly doesn't care about your struggles. It's a fucking jolly. Nothing more.

@CommanderBurnham

Just be honest. Say to them all in a group WhatsApp that you really want to come and you were willing to stretch the budget but can't really afford more that £XXX. That you've tried every which way round to scrape the money together but it's not possible. If there's any way you can join for that budget eg go for 2 nights only then you're open to suggestions.

Then, either they'll chip in a bit, or try and get it down to that price.

This seems like a recipe for disaster to me. Promises of money won’t materialise. New bills will arrive.

Whatever happened to night down the disco with a hen party sash each?
Seriously, stop feeling bad and meek. Give your head a wobble and send a clear WhatsApp to the group.
" I wanted to come but this is out of my budget. I have many things to balance so felt it needs to be clear that I can no longer come."

Anyone who has glanced at the news this week should understand the need to pull the belt in.

Don't feel bad for saying no. Let them know now so they can rearrange the cost between the rest of them. I bet you won't be the only one bailing when costs escalate. Nobody needs a 5 night hen. As for the cost of being bridesmaid, I'd be inclined to ditch that too. Cannot believe you're expected to pay for stuff that the bride will want you to have - professional makeup/hair etc.

I know I'm older than dirt, but I just don't understand why a Hen Do has to be so elaborate, time consuming and expensive. What ever happened to going on a limo ride, drinking too much, making the bride wear a silly sash or something and waking up with a hangover and funny pictures??

I think you have had good advice here. I would say no to hen and quite frankly, the expense about the bridesmaid thingy is ridiculous also. Don´t let anyone dictate to you what you can and can´t afford.

Definitely cut your losses at this stage. Before you know it costs will have escalated further and I accumulated costs will start to get split between all of you (or even all of you except the bride).

@momtoboys

I know I'm older than dirt, but I just don't understand why a Hen Do has to be so elaborate, time consuming and expensive. What ever happened to going on a limo ride, drinking too much, making the bride wear a silly sash or something and waking up with a hangover and funny pictures??

Indeed. The world has gone insane. I feel old...

‘You guys convinced me to change my mind but i’malready looking at all these extra costs after I’ve told you I can’t afford it. I’m sorry but I won’t be making it’

[quote CarryOnNurse20]@Crunchymum yeah I’d definitely ring my friend first and speak to her.

Yeah it is- the wedding itself will be around £300 to attend + gifts + any last min bridesmaid costs (eg hair and make up and shoes we are paying ourselves). She’s a good friend and I don’t mind this at all for the actual wedding but the hen too it’s just too much.[/quote]
Erm...do bridesmaids especially those who pay for their own dress/shoes, hair, accommodation etc have to buy a gift?

Ahem, asking for a friend...

because I didn't. Unsurprisingly I've only seen the bride my cousin twice since the wedding, and the second time she blanked me.

I just hope she's managed to tippex me out of the photos.

@momtoboys

I know I'm older than dirt, but I just don't understand why a Hen Do has to be so elaborate, time consuming and expensive. What ever happened to going on a limo ride, drinking too much, making the bride wear a silly sash or something and waking up with a hangover and funny pictures??

This was pretty much mine, except we got the train across the the nearest city! few cocktails and some food, train back and home for 10pm and we honestly had the best day!! a five day abroad hen do that will end up costing around £1000 all in is excessive.

I agree with others, keep matter of fact about it, you can't afford it and to be honest, them cajoling you after you'd said as much was a shitty thing for them to do

Honestly these abroad hen nights are a complete joke. I can't imagine how self centred you have to be to get your friends to come on a holiday for you just because you are getting married. A bunch of friends going on holiday together where everyone wants to, fine. But the expectation that you're letting someone down if you don't spend loads of money going abroad is beyond the pale.

Just be honest. Say the costs are spiraling and if you go you will either feel bad having to put breaks on spending, or feel bad at not being able to afford it. Say you have kids and would like to go on holiday with them and so can't afford all that money.

There is no one in the world whom I would spend that money going to a hen for. Bring on the night at the local pub.

Did you already book the flight and accommodation?
You may not get your money back for those. Is there a chance you could go but pre warn them you definitely can't do extra bits that will cost extra and that you're happy for them to go off and do those things while you stay at the apartment and do drinks / dinner there. Really tight budget. Hoping to find a happy medium.

FWIW I have declined every hen do thats involved more than a UK day / night out. But the pressure is awful.

So she wants you to spend nearly £1500 to celebrate her? Bloody hell. I have no idea how these people have the cheek.

No I haven’t paid anything else just my cut (+ brides portion) of the accommodation.
Flights are with easyjet. The include one hand item but has to fit under the seat and I don’t think I could fit 4/5 days worth of stuff in.
Ive messaged now. Fingers crossed she understands.

Good for you, you really just need to be honest and say you don’t have the money and that’s it.

Thanks @Bluntness100. Tried to be apologetic but also firm. This is the situation- really sorry but it won’t change and I won’t be able to come. Let’s do something at home, can’t wait for the wedding etc

@CarryOnNurse20

No I haven’t paid anything else just my cut (+ brides portion) of the accommodation. Flights are with easyjet. The include one hand item but has to fit under the seat and I don’t think I could fit 4/5 days worth of stuff in. Ive messaged now. Fingers crossed she understands.

And if she doesn't understand and gets the hump, then she is BU.

I do think that these excessive hen do's, stag parties, 40ths in Las Vegas are a huge ask and the sooner they fade away the better.

Good for you. If she makes a fuss, she's not much of a friend

You've done the right thing. You'd have spent atleast £1000 on her wedding if you went on the hen too. That's absolutely insane.

Your right telling her that you just don't have the funds for this. I can't understand how after the whole covid thing how anyone thinks people can afford a 5 day hen party abroad?
Then expecting you to pay for a bridesmaids dress, hair and makeup, wedding present, a stay in a hotel and spending money the day of the wedding?
You did the right thing here and if she can't accept it then I say to her that you can't be bridesmaid either.
I have a feeling that your friend likes the good life but her income does not meet her expenses. The reality of being an adult is that you budget and don't expect your friends to pay for your expensive hen party or towards your wedding expenses.

How is it expected that bridesmaids pay £1k plus to attend a hen do and a wedding. What happened to a night away in Brighton in a budget hotel and chipping in towards a bit of jewellery for the bride?

I would be honest. “Sorry friend having realised the spiralling costs I have had to revisit my finances and there really is no way I can afford to attend the hen, hope you have a wonderful time”

Good for you, you've done the right thing - don't feel bad about it.

Thanks all. No reply yet and she’s normally an instant responder. We’ve been friends for 15 years so I’d be gutted if this ruins it but what can I do. Im not willing to put our family in an even more precarious position financially for the sake of a holiday (if I was going to do it for any friend it would be her but I can’t justify it).

Do you ever feel some people have no idea or empathy towards others financial situation? Our house is nice but otherwise we have a very basic lifestyle so I don’t think people would think we are rolling in it.