Aaargh I’ve messed up. Need to say no after saying yes. How?!

[CarryOnNurse20]

This is entirely my fault I know so please be kind.

Best friend is getting married. Wants a 5 night hen do abroad. I initially said no, I have 2 kids, money is tight, not sure what will be happening next may around travel and just no.

Since then I’ve been guilted and badgered and reassured that it ‘won’t be that expensive’ by other bridesmaids. I’ve paid my portion of the accommodations (£100 for 4 nights which isn’t bad tbf). But the rest is just spiralling. They told me flights were £100 but they’re more like £120 and then you have to pay £40 odd each way for a bag (which I would need as included is only a handbag).

Then we would have to hire cars, I’m travelling from a different location to others so I’d have to hire one alone. Food, activities, possibly covid tests etc.

I’m so so so annoyed with myself that I said yes. I want to now say sorry I can’t make it I can’t afford it but don’t know how to say it. I don’t want/don’t expect my money back for accommodation- I agreed to that it’s my fault and I’m happy to contribute to the brides costs.

How do I say no (again) without looking like an idiot. Friend was not impressed when I initially said I couldn’t go and was really happy when I said I would try and booked on.

Eugh it’s a mess.

She’s a good friend and I don’t mind this at all for the actual wedding but the hen too it’s just too much.

Do you have the option to do your own hair and make up? Making your bridesmaid £300 out of pocket isn’t something a good friend does.

'I've realised that the cost of both the hen and the wedding are too much for me at the moment. I am so excited for all the wedding plans but I can't do the hen do, maybe we could have a nice lunch together when you get back!'

Tell her what you've said here. You felt pressured into agreeing to go but now realise have stood firm. Really sorry but you just can't do it, you hope they all have a lovely time. If she's anything other than embarrassed, she's no friend.

£300 to attend the wedding BEFORE hair and makeup and shoes? FML!!

£300 to be someone’s Bridesmaid?!

I’s tell the chances to get lost.

A bridesmaid is nothing more than a photo prop.

Do cop out of it, OP but do it soon. Then she won't feel let down if you explain as you have on here. Don't leave it any longer though.

I’d tell the chancer to get lost ^

And a FIVE NIGHT hen doo! FMFL.

Urgh this happened to me years ago. My advice is be really honest.

I had two young DC, had given up work and was skint. I originally said yes, but we really didn’t have any money and I was forgoing any hope of a family break so I could manage to go.

When I pulled out my friend was bitterly disappointed and in all honestly our relationship really suffered. Although she came through for me on something else much later.

I wish I’d been more honest with her about just how little money we had and how it was just impossible. I was quite embarrassed about how much we were struggling at that time and I should have just come clean.

How is she a good friend if she initially "wasn't impressed"?

5 night hen do & at least 300 to be her bmaid?

Bloody stroll on!

Call her up and tell her right now. The longer you leave it, the worse you will feel. Really though they should be ashamed of forcing you once you'd said you couldn't afford it. Not sure these people are your people, tbh

You could drop in the rising costs of gas and electricity, everything is rocketing up all over the place.
Fuel at the petrol pump has jumped fourteen pence per litre here, possible that airlines will have to surcharge as well?

Wow! So, it's already at the 1000 pound mark and costs set to rise?

I think i would pull out now. They will be annoyed, but don't let them bully you.

I suspect there is no easy way to do this, so just got to pull the band aid off and say no, it's too expensive.

If they are planning to stay in and do everything cheaply what was the point of making it abroad???

say you would be happy to go, but you cannot afford it

If costs are not how they were originally presented, then you have every right to pull out. If your friend is a genuine friend, she will understand.

say you would be happy to go, but you cannot afford it
I wouldn’t. That will just lead to more reassurances that the costs won’t go up etc. The op needs to be really clear that going just isn’t a possibility.

Something like: You know I originally said no because I couldn't afford it? And then X and Y persuaded me to come by saying it wouldn't be as expensive as I thought? Well it turns out it is WAY more expensive than they said, and even more expensive than I originally thought, and said I wouldn't be able to afford. I made it clear right at the start I just don't have that sort of money and I am going to have to drop out.

I just had to pull out of a weekend thing because I have Covid and won'tbe out of isolation until halfway throughthe weekend, with the other half taken up by family essential stuff that I can't not do. It still took two goes to be 'allowed' to say no. The only thing to do is to be absolutely crystal clear and definite. I would make no reference at all to the past (ie that you knew it would be too expensive and tried to politely decline). Don't give any possibility of being persuaded.

'Sorry to have to say this but the hen trip is too expensive for me and I am pulling out. See you soon.'

Cue lots of attempts to persuade you. Just stick to your guns.

'

Out of interest
What airline only a handbag?

I agree with keep it simple. The more excuses you give, the more they will try and persuade you.

I'd say something like "Hey, I'm really sorry to do this, but we've looked at the figures again and I really can't make it after all. Sorry to pull out, I'm sure you'll all have a great time".

Then, don't engage for a bit.

This is not your fault and a decent friend wouldn’t have guilted you into trying to come. She would have made it clear you’d be missed and left it at that!
I have no issue with expensive hen trips for those that can afford it. I had a weekend away myself but I would have been horrified if anyone who went had got into financial difficulties because of it.
Just tell her firmly that you’re very sorry but you’ve worked out you simply can’t afford it.

Just be honest. Just say sorry I have looked at the other costs, it’s too much for me so I can’t attend

I hate bloody hen dos. They have got silly,as have stags. In my day , and yes I am about to show my age, it was a meal in a restaurant, then a nightclub and home b

Just be honest. Say to them all in a group WhatsApp that you really want to come and you were willing to stretch the budget but can't really afford more that £XXX. That you've tried every which way round to scrape the money together but it's not possible. If there's any way you can join for that budget eg go for 2 nights only then you're open to suggestions.

Then, either they'll chip in a bit, or try and get it down to that price.