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Original poster

Raging at male friend preaching to me about being overweight

130 replies

Pileonsally · 20/09/2021 16:34

Im overweight, late 40s, 2 kids. Always been 'big' and 'curvy'.
Like many women my weight and body has been bane of my life forever. Usual story, tried every diet, exercise, weight loss fad, also tried NHS dietician, hypnosis, personal trainer, private nutritionist. Read a million books and articles. Had blood tests etc.
Nothing works and I remain 4stone overweight.

I am aware this is an issue and hate the fact that I have no willpower when I dont get results. I also comfort eat when I'm feeling miserable.

Anywayyyy...without prompting a male friend of mine (no kids, ex pro athlete, never had a weight issue in his life, only ever had petite naturally slim gfs) texted me a big rant about society and everyone being overweight and how I blame hormones and being a woman and medication and metabolism when actually I'm just lying to myself and I obviously eat loads and just need to stop.
He was saying gastric surgery is ridiculous and why don't people just not eat as much.
Then saying well it can't bother you too much or you would just eat healthily.

I ended up ending the conversation because he filled me with rage! Im still blazing mad now.
Its the assumption that me (and all the other women in society who moan) just haven't 'tried' hard enough.

This isn't a post about diets or looking for advice.

Im looking for support from women who would also be filled with rage hearing this! I cant even process why he has made me so mad.
He said im mad cos he has pointed out the truth!? (I dont think I am)

Thoughts?

OP posts:
MarleneDietrichsSmile · 21/09/2021 09:42

@Bahhhhhumbug that’s pretty nasty to experience Sad

There is so much insincere debate over obesity

OldTinHat · 21/09/2021 09:45

I have a male friend who told me I was fat and needed to lose weight (like I don't already know). He was morbidly obese. I lost a lot of weight by ditching his sorry ass.

Comedycook · 21/09/2021 09:46

I've been reading a book about a famine...it described how the population dies.

Children under 5 tend to die first
Then very elderly people
Then men are most likely to die...as they have less body fat generally and more muscle
Adult women are the most likely to survive.

So yes there's a huge difference between how men and women lose weight and how their bodies store fat.

I know famine is an extreme example!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weight management
ImFree2doasiwant · 21/09/2021 09:49

I think this is a really difficult one. He shouldn't have ranted at you, but equally I think he probably has hit a nerve. It's very wearing to have someone complain about their weight while doing nothing about it. It can appear to be a very simple solution, to "just stop eating so much". It's not that easy of course, I know this having been overweight, (and still am a bit) but have also thought it on the back of someone constantly moaning and giving excuses as to why they're fat, when the reason they are fat is they eat too much and crap at that.

Hes right that the truth hurts, but it hurts more when it's said by a friend in this way. If he really wanted to be helpful, he could be couldntbhe? Offer to exercise with you ir help with nutrition, in a supportive way , IF you want to do that.

Comedycook · 21/09/2021 09:55

And in terms of evolution and the continuation of the species, women can only produce one baby per year....men can produces endless children. Hence it's makes sense as to why nature would keep women alive on little amounts of food

hamstersarse · 21/09/2021 09:56

There is no good way to talk about being overweight so I would never ever talk about it with people in RL.

A touchy subject doesn't even cover the amount of emotion it incites.

I am sorry you were upset by him, he obviously hasn't realised how this subject is absolutely off limits.

daisyjgrey · 21/09/2021 09:59
  1. He's not your friend.
  2. I would be fucking furious and would probably send him a fully researched and cited essay on why what he says is bollocks.
  3. I would fantasise about running him over.
  4. Block his number.
user1493494961 · 21/09/2021 10:04

He's right though, isn't he.

BoredZelda · 21/09/2021 10:44

I think his viewpoint is (in general) correct as it really is for the vast majority of people a question of science; if you consume more energy than you burn you will out on fat

Actually the science is so much more complex than that. I had a discussion with a dietitian about it because although I am using the exact same diet with more exercise (amity walking) than I did a few years back, the weight is coming off way more slowly than it did back then. We had an in-depth look at it and the only real difference is now I’m peri menopausal, and this hormonal change means my body is working differently. She recommended some different types of food to eat and to change my eating pattern, not just what I was consuming and that has made a bit of a difference albeit the weight loss is still slower than it was before. It isn’t about how much you eat v how much you do, it is also about what you eat and what type of exercise you do to target specific weightloss in specific areas.

My sister is really struggling with her weight. She is a year older than me, fully menopausal and doing similar things to me but is gaining weight.

The “move more, eat less” advice is outdated and unhelpful.

And yes, the guy is a twat and is no friend. People who have to put others down just to feel better are losers. Sure, he might feel irritated if OP is complaining about weight and doing nothing about it, but even if he felt he had to say something, there are much better ways of doing it.

BoredZelda · 21/09/2021 10:45

Amity = mainly (no idea where that auto correct came from!)

BoredZelda · 21/09/2021 10:51

He's right though, isn't he.

No, he isn’t. Even just on the medication thing. My mum has been 8-9 stone pretty much all her adult life. She is 73 now. She has just been prescribed a steroid and in a month or two has gained a whole lot of weight. She eats just as she always did.

Mariell · 21/09/2021 11:02

@user1493494961

He's right though, isn't he.
Yes he is.

Sugar coating reality doesn’t help and neither does pandering to people’s lack of ability to take control of their lives when they want to make a change for the better with their health.

The blockage to the majority of people losing weight unless they have a medical problem is mind power.

Aspiringmatriarch · 21/09/2021 12:02

Sugar coating reality doesn’t help and neither does pandering to people’s lack of ability to take control of their lives when they want to make a change for the better with their health.

This kind of comment really annoys me- it's that perfect blend of arrogance and actually knowing very little about the issues on which you're holding forth. I think the term is Dunning Kruger effect?

Anyway, there's a reason health professionals and dieticians etc don't use this kind of language. It's inaccurate and counterproductive.

Polkadots2021 · 21/09/2021 12:07

Doesn't matter why someone is overweight it is NONE OF OUR BUSINESS unless they have come to us as professionals trying to lose weight. We have no right to judge, give unsolicited opinions or waffle on about wider issues with weight & health. It just doesn't help and it upsets people.

Talktalkchat · 21/09/2021 12:23

@Polkadots2021

Doesn't matter why someone is overweight it is NONE OF OUR BUSINESS unless they have come to us as professionals trying to lose weight. We have no right to judge, give unsolicited opinions or waffle on about wider issues with weight & health. It just doesn't help and it upsets people.
#protect the nhs
longwayoff · 21/09/2021 12:54

He is a pompous twat and his unsought opinion is both offensive and insulting. You are quite rightly furious. Strike him off the friends list and don't speak to him again. You weren't put on this earth so that he can feel better about himself by making you feel bad about yourself. What an utter pig.

Therealjudgejudy · 21/09/2021 13:08

Stop moaning to him about your weight maybe...

daisyjgrey · 21/09/2021 13:58

@user1493494961

He's right though, isn't he.

Are you lost?

BoredZelda · 21/09/2021 19:10

The blockage to the majority of people losing weight unless they have a medical problem is mind power.

Nope. Wrong again.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 21/09/2021 19:14

Did he text it in reply to you texting him moaning about your weight or was it out of the blue , just based on conversations in the past?

Original poster
Pileonsally · 21/09/2021 20:03

Wow massive response. Back story is that we do talk about insecurities and have a moan about stuff that gets us down. I have tried to explain many times that I believe my issues are yes I eat wrong stuff and portion size but also weight doesn't just drop off women like it does men. Its very hard to stay motivated when you get little to no reward.
He absolutely does not believe for one second that it is more difficult for some people/age/genders than others.
He also wrongly believes i live on fizzy drinks and takeaways.
I did not, on this occasion, bring up weight. He was telling me they he was discussing weight and society with his friend and they both agreed that being overweight is unnecessary and people should just not eat as much. Then launched into my personal experience.

Thanks for all the feedback. As I said I am not looking for advice on weight loss thanks.
I wanted to know if the same conversation would hsve upset and angered others and looks like yes it would have.
(Obviously not everyone would be bothered)

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 21/09/2021 20:29

I understand that you are not looking for advice, but I think that your "friend" is an absolute no nothing twat. How many children has he grown in his body and given birth to? His time is all his own and he has nothing else to focus on but himself, so he can do all the exercise he likes, when he likes without organising baby sitting or constantly food shopping, preparing food and persuading people to eat at times when he wouldn't normally be eating himself.
I put on weight with baby 1, went back to work and lost it all, then had baby 2 , less than 2 years later and with zero support simply could'nt find the time to work and get to exercise classes, many broken nights of course and trying to do everything at once. Quelle Surprise, I put on weight.
Lost it again eventually ( when 1 went to school) Then had surprise baby 3, put it all on again, had various chronic undetected illnesses and knee injury and put on even more, quite a lot actually.
Lots of people came up and told me to eat less. be less lazy (when I didn't bloody stop from 6.00 am to 11 pm or more - so there was little time to focus on myself) and made extremely rude, personal comments. But as soon as my illness was treated, my knee healed, I got more sleep, the weight fell off again without me particularly trying ( which was BLISS BTW)
My point is that as a woman, your weight can go up and down. You didn't put it on overnight and you can't take it off overnight, it takes time and you don't have to justify yourself to twats like him - so stupid rants from ignorant "athletic" males are absolutely pointless.
What seem to work is chipping away at things and making sure you get your health checked. Carve out time, if you can, to focus on yourself and pick something you think would benefit you. How many times did I pay for a terms badminton or dancing, only to find that DH was working late and couldn't get home in time.
I found it was awful if I told people that weren't going through the same thing about my plans to get healthier. They often just scuppered it, so don't tell people like this "friend" or people like them, just spill the beans to a weight loss group or thread as they will understand and won't put you through this.
Most of all be KIND KIND KIND to yourself and ditch people who make you feel the opposite.
Apologies because I have strayed into the "advice" area but I just wanted to say that you shouldn't beat yourself up about this and I hope you can shake off this idiot's daft comments because if it was that easy and we knew the formula, we'd all be Millionaires Rodney.

Comedycook · 21/09/2021 20:49

Even pre kids, in my twenties, the only time I had a healthy BMI and I mean top end of healthy, was when I was eating one meal a day and walking miles. It was a complete battle. I was willing to do that then. Then I had kids. What a lot of men don't realise, is a lot of women don't prioritise themselves the way men do. I feel incredibly guilty if I take time to exercise... afteral I could be cleaning the skirting boards or doing the ironing. Because women put themselves last, they often eat crap because they're exhausted and don't exercise because they're exhausted

Talktalkchat · 21/09/2021 20:53

@Comedycook

Even pre kids, in my twenties, the only time I had a healthy BMI and I mean top end of healthy, was when I was eating one meal a day and walking miles. It was a complete battle. I was willing to do that then. Then I had kids. What a lot of men don't realise, is a lot of women don't prioritise themselves the way men do. I feel incredibly guilty if I take time to exercise... afteral I could be cleaning the skirting boards or doing the ironing. Because women put themselves last, they often eat crap because they're exhausted and don't exercise because they're exhausted
Cleaning your house is exercise.

Eat what your children eat - unless you feed them crap

Comedycook · 21/09/2021 21:00

Eat what your children eat - unless you feed them crap

No I don't feed them crap but they prefer plain, deconstructed food that I don't want to eat!

My point still stands. Men prioritise their leisure time and fitness ...it's why on weekend mornings, the roads are full of middle aged, middle class men cycling!