DH says I've broken his trust

[StripyTShirt]

I went to a music festival last weekend, got a bit drunk and went back to one of my oldest friends for drinks and a catch up. We talked all night (we've both just recently lost parents). I got home around 2pm the next day.

Genuinely nothing else happened. DH said what I have done is the same as cheating and I have broken his trust. I would never cheat on him, I love him more than anything and he has been my absolute rock since I lost my dad.

I know I shouldn't have stayed out that long and I have apologized and promised it won't happen again and it has never happened before but he is acting like I was out having sex with people when I was just catching up with a friend and talking about feelings that I don't feel I can talk to him or my family about. I've had a few thoughts of self harm and suicide and she just listened, no judgement.

To avoid a drip feed, he is from another culture but we are the same religion and are usually so strong. We have 2 DC 15 and 4. They were being cared for by him. He has never done anything like this.

I don't know what I'm aiming for here, just advice really, he says he doesn't know what he wants to do about our marriage and he feels like the trust is gone. How do I get him to trust me again, I can't lose him.

[girlmom21]

Did you have any plans for the next day? Was it really a one off?

If you had no plans and this has never happened before he's just being a prick and punishing you for leaving him with childcare,

[Skyla2005]

@StripyTShirt

I know I do feel really shitty about doing it, just got caught up chatting and the time ran away

Why do you feel shitty you havnt done anything wrong. At first I thought you had disappeared but you told him where you were so what is the problem. This is a massive red flag he is controlling. He is trying to make you feel guilty for something you havnt done. It's not normal behaviour and it's very worrying. More worrying is that you believe that you have done wrong. No you havnt you arnt a prisoner !

[FangsForTheMemory]

It sounds as though you were outside his control and he doesn't like it. That what he means by 'trust'.

[CantBeAssed]

Think you took the piss with the 2pm roll in if this had been a man posting MN would be in uproar! But hey ho, one rule for the girls another for the boys..only on mn

[TheWernethWife]

FFS OP, what will he say on the divorce petition, "my wife stayed out late with an old Uni friend", What a tosser.

[TeenTitan007]

I'd find it hilarious if my DH said anything along these lines. I do go out with my friends and come home quite late, sometimes 1/2 am. He's always concerned for my safety - but where on earth does 'cheating' come in from? I can't even respond so such a ridiculous accusation!

[ChargingBuck]

@CantBeAssed

Think you took the piss with the 2pm roll in if this had been a man posting MN would be in uproar! But hey ho, one rule for the girls another for the boys..only on mn

Bullshit.

See my previous post about if my bereaved husband found solace in an impromptu night out with a supportive friend ...

[slashlover]

How many times has someone posted that their DH has stayed out all night and left them alone with the kids, only to be told to LTB and that he's taking the piss?

[ChargingBuck]

@slashlover

How many times has someone posted that their DH has stayed out all night and left them alone with the kids, only to be told to LTB and that he's taking the piss?

For a single instance? Rarely.

[CantBeAssed]

@slashlover...totally agree!!

[slashlover]

For a single instance? Rarely.

Or "Go out the next day and leave him alone with the kids!"

[ChargingBuck]

@slashlover

For a single instance? Rarely.

Or "Go out the next day and leave him alone with the kids!"

Exactly!

Fine to be pissed off. Fine to want equal time 'off'.

Not fine to invent "trust" issues & play brinkmanship games about the validity of the entire marriage.

[thepeopleversuswork]

I would be a bit narked if my OH stayed out all night without telling me where they were.

But his reaction is completely over the top and has nasty overtones of control.

[cansu]

Did you tell him that you were staying over with your friend at any point?

I think that if you didn't then I can understand him being a bit peeved.

However he is also being very dramatic and OTT.
Tell him clearly that you stayed over with your female friend. Apologise if you didn't communicate clearly and then ask him whether he suspects you of having an affair or one night stand as that basically seems to be the gist of his 'lack of trust'.

[Justwantanewname]

I do think you need to stand your ground, in the sense of apologising sincerely for what he is reasonably annoyed about (leaving him eg with sole care of the children without prior arrangement) while absolutely not accepting how out of proportion he’s blown this. And honestly a loving spouse should give their partner some leeway in the circumstances. Have you explained what you guys were talking about and how you’ve been feeling?

[Justwantanewname]

Also, is he generally controlling?

[CantBeAssed]

Op has said she told DH she be home 1am and then to say she was going to her friends after that.
If DH didn't know she was staying over and was left sitting until 2pm wondering were op was and if she was ok, especially if op hasn't done this before and it's out of character, given the stressful time op has been through lately, I think he has everyright to be pissed about it!

[callmeadoctor]

@CantBeAssed

Op has said she told DH she be home 1am and then to say she was going to her friends after that.
If DH didn't know she was staying over and was left sitting until 2pm wondering were op was and if she was ok, especially if op hasn't done this before and it's out of character, given the stressful time op has been through lately, I think he has everyright to be pissed about it!

I agree with this post, have other posters misread? OP got back at 2PM the next day (not 2 AM an hour after she said)

[knittingaddict]

I'm intrigued by this thread.

If you reverse the sexes and make the one left at home with the children, a woman and the one staying out overnight and into the afternoon of the next day, a man there would definitely have been more negative posts. There would be lots of posts saying that he was unreasonable to stay out at the weekend and leave you with the children. Lots of suspicious posts about what he got up to in that time.

He's being a bit OTT about the breach of trust comments, but I would be a bit bothered if my husband did what you have done, if I'm entirely honest.

Are people not realising that it was all night, all morning and past lunchtime or are they really this chilled irl?

[moynomore]

I can't believe some of these responses. No, it's not the same as cheating and he didn't accuse her of cheating, but it's a horrible thing to do to your partner. I would be absolutely livid if my husband did this and I would never do it to him. Coming how at 2pm the next day when you have kids? Sorry, I must not be cool, but no way.

[TurquoiseDragon]

@futureghost

Your husband is in the wrong 100% and not you.

he says he doesn't know what he wants to do about our marriage and he feels like the trust is gone
This is utter game playing on his behalf. Don't play the game of trying to 'win back' his trust. You never did anything to lose his trust. He has issues he needs to deal with himself.
If he bangs on about he doesn't know what to do about the marriage tell him he is free to leave it as you won't be staying in a marriage where he behaves like this.

This.

He sounds very controlling to me. All this over reaction and the OP is now on the verge of grovelling to him when she's not in the wrong.

Sounds very much like he'll use this as a stick to beat OP with, checking up on her all the time.

*@StripyTShirt* before you start asking what you can do to 'win the trust back', you need to take the rose tinted specs off and have a serious look at your relationship. Him suggesting it's akin to cheating places him firmly in wazzock territory.

[TurquoiseDragon]

knittingaddict if the situation were reversed, people would be checking if this was a one off, firstly.

If OP was doing this regularly, then I'd be suggesting she takes a look at herself and be faair to her family. But there's no indication of that here.

[CantBeAssed]

@moynomore..finally someone who is honest!
But, because he's a man he isn't allowed to be annoyed, that's just controlling 🙄

[RosiePosieDozy]

As long as you let him know where you were and what you were doing, you didn't do anything wrong.

He seems very controlling.

[Viviennemary]

It was a bit cheeky of you for staying out so long. But that's all.