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Original poster

DH says I've broken his trust

144 replies

StripyTShirt · 16/09/2021 14:22

I went to a music festival last weekend, got a bit drunk and went back to one of my oldest friends for drinks and a catch up. We talked all night (we've both just recently lost parents). I got home around 2pm the next day.

Genuinely nothing else happened. DH said what I have done is the same as cheating and I have broken his trust. I would never cheat on him, I love him more than anything and he has been my absolute rock since I lost my dad.

I know I shouldn't have stayed out that long and I have apologized and promised it won't happen again and it has never happened before but he is acting like I was out having sex with people when I was just catching up with a friend and talking about feelings that I don't feel I can talk to him or my family about. I've had a few thoughts of self harm and suicide and she just listened, no judgement.

To avoid a drip feed, he is from another culture but we are the same religion and are usually so strong. We have 2 DC 15 and 4. They were being cared for by him. He has never done anything like this.

I don't know what I'm aiming for here, just advice really, he says he doesn't know what he wants to do about our marriage and he feels like the trust is gone. How do I get him to trust me again, I can't lose him.

OP posts:
Confusedandshaken · 16/09/2021 17:06

You did absolutely nothing wrong. Even if it had been a male friend and you stayed out until 6am he knew where you were and that you were safe and that should be the end of it. And how exactly is staying out until late talking a same sex friend breaking his trust? Did he trust you not to have friends or not to talk to them? Would it be ok to talk to them at 8.30am?

Don't let him being from a different culture trick you into thinking this is reasonable behaviour. He is in a mixed culture marriage now and that means things will not always be what he is used to.

This all sounds very fishy to me. I reckon he has something to hide and is deflecting attention from himself by blowing up at you about something completely innocent.

Don't bow down to this. Tell him you've thought it over, you know you haven't done anything wrong and he will have to accept that is how you choose to live in this marriage or leave. Call his bluff.

Retrievemysanity · 16/09/2021 17:10

Do you mean 2pm or 2am? 2pm the next day is taking the piss a bit, 2am is a non issue but either way, it’s nothing like cheating and not breaking his trust at all, inconsiderate maybe if it was 2pm but I don’t see where the trust bit comes into things.

bringincrazyback · 16/09/2021 17:11

OP, he's being WAY OTT in my view. You let him know where you were, and that you were safe, I see no breach of trust there. You're not joined at the hip and are entitled to your own life and interests.

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Gitfeatures · 16/09/2021 17:11

I was just catching up with a friend and talking about feelings that I don't feel I can talk to him or my family about. I've had a few thoughts of self harm and suicide and she just listened, no judgement.

You mention that he is from a different culture - is it possible he consider that he should be your first (only?) port of call when talking about feelings? A 'this is between us, not outsiders' attitude? Are you generally in each others pockets a bit? Is the trust thing indicating that he considers opening up to others - regardless of gender - the equivalent of an emotional affair?

It's all bollocks, obviously, but that's the only possible angle I can think he may be coming from in terms of being like cheating. Even then, it's one hell of a reach.

callmeadoctor · 16/09/2021 17:13

So you said that you would be home by 1 am but got back at 2PM? Is that right? Then if thats true then I would be furious if I was your partner. Why would you stay away so long? (Its not like you fell asleep and woke up in the early hours, this is the afternoon of the next day!!

HalzTangz · 16/09/2021 17:14

Was this friend a male. If my partner stayed at a females all night my trust would be gone too

Gensola · 16/09/2021 17:17

OMG people she’s said she texted him to let him know she was staying out later than planned. Why does no one ever read these things before jumping in 🙄🙄🙄🙄

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 16/09/2021 17:17

I'd be furious because of the worry. DP knows that there is no problem at all going out, staying out, doing anything as long as I'm not left wondering whether he's dead in a ditch. And the same applies to me.

Confusedandshaken · 16/09/2021 17:18

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

I'd be furious because of the worry. DP knows that there is no problem at all going out, staying out, doing anything as long as I'm not left wondering whether he's dead in a ditch. And the same applies to me.
There was no worry. She messaged him to let him know where she was.
callmeadoctor · 16/09/2021 17:20

Staying out later than planned isn't exactly the afternoon of the next day is it! (when the original get home was 1 AM)

Seemssounfair · 16/09/2021 17:22

Did you communicate with him and let him know you were staying out all night and wouldn't appear until the next afternoon?

If I was doing that I would "ask" dh if it was ok, not for permission but just to check he didn't have any plans and to let him know I was not staggering around the streets drunk and lost ok. dh would afford me the same respect.

Saying you have "broken his trust" is a bit of a strange way of saying it, maybe it is a language thing, but he is not out of order feeling put out if you didn't speak to him and you owe him an apology.

BigFatLiar · 16/09/2021 17:26

Doesn't seem like a big crime.

However, does it matter what we think? We all have different ideas of what's acceptable. Surely what matters is the two of you, he thinks it's wrong you don't, you need to talk it over.

HalzTangz · 16/09/2021 17:27

After reading your updates I can't see what his problem is other than being annoyed that you were out later than what you said you would be.

Is there a back story we don't know about? Have one of you cheated in the past?

DameFanny · 16/09/2021 17:27

Why don't you suggest that you both go to relationship counselling? Because his idea that you've as good as cheated on him is so batshit I think you might need professional help to unpick all his ideas.

You're an educated working (I'm guessing) mother. You shouldn't be being treated like some sort of Jezebel for having a night off with an old friend. It was thoughtless of you to not notice the time, but you've been under a lot of pressure and you needed a time out. Have you explained the good it did you? You should be able to do that, and he should be happy for you - because you're a person with needs, not his property to be checked in and out of the house at approved times only.

MadeForThis · 16/09/2021 17:27

Was it one text to stay you would be late or a few updates?

What you did wasn't wrong at all. But there is a big difference between texting one to stay you would be late or a few texts saying you were at a friends, staying over, only up, heading home now.

If my DH had kept in regular contact I would be fine. If he text at 1 am then nothing until he walked in the door at 2pm I would be pissed off. But not divorce or trust. Just have a little respect.

TheGrumpyGoat · 16/09/2021 17:28

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

I'd be furious because of the worry. DP knows that there is no problem at all going out, staying out, doing anything as long as I'm not left wondering whether he's dead in a ditch. And the same applies to me.
There wasn’t any worry, she let him know she wouldn’t be back.
saraclara · 16/09/2021 17:28

@StripyTShirt

Yes I let him know where I was and I was ok. The friend is a female we went to uni together.
When did you tell him where you were? Not long after you got there? When you decided to stay over? Forst thing this morning? Before you set off home?

If you communicated early and fully, his attitude makes no sense. If he spent all night worrying, while the cheating thing is stupid, he probably got really anxious and in his relief when you got home, just kicked off in random directions.

HalzTangz · 16/09/2021 17:29

@Gensola

OMG people she’s said she texted him to let him know she was staying out later than planned. Why does no one ever read these things before jumping in 🙄🙄🙄🙄
Because many people post as they read through the thread, so wouldn't have seen updated until they got to the updates
Rannva · 16/09/2021 17:35

Call his bluff.

If he wants to get a divorce because you had drinks with a friend, let him. See how far he gets. There's paperwork and costs and all sorts. Just say "alright then, crack on." Then just keep doing your own thing and living life. He'll soon get bored of his hissy fit - or, best case scenario, he's completely serious and drinks with a friend is such a dealbreaker, and then you'll be rid of his petty arse.

Embroidery · 16/09/2021 17:38

Do you mean 2am?
If so he's being very unreasonable.
If 2pm the next day he has bit more of a point but its not cheating ffs

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 16/09/2021 17:39

I'm afraid I have to say that whilst your DH does seem a bit overdramatic, it really, really isn't ok to do this. ExDP did it to me a few times ('having a pint, will be home soon' type message), and I went out of my head worrying about what might have happened when he still wasn't home at 04:00, wasn't answering his phone, etc. It wasn't that he was out on the lash, or left me to deal with the kids, it's that he vanished with no warning, and let me stay awake all night in an absolute state worrying about him. Especially true when someone is dealing with emotional trauma/grief - which ExP was. How on earth did your DP know you were ok, if you couldn't even turn up home until after two in the afternoon?

CyclingIsNotOuting · 16/09/2021 17:39

I wouldn’t be thrilled if DH said he was going to be home at 1am and then rolled in at 2pm the next day while I was at home looking after 2 DC.

diddl · 16/09/2021 17:44

I think a lot of people think that Op took the piss.

If I've understood it she contacted to say that she was staying the night not long before she was due back.

Not sure what happened the next day-maybe I missed how it got to be a 2pm arrival home?

I think a lot of us would get up, have breafast & go home.

All of that said, it's quite an overreaction from her husband imo.

m00rfarm · 16/09/2021 17:45

I think 50% of the people are reading it that you came in at 2am and not 2PM. You were 13 hours later than you said. I would be extremely pissed off if my partner did that to me, irrespective of letting me know or not.

TheFoundations · 16/09/2021 17:45

@CyclingIsNotOuting

I wouldn’t be thrilled if DH said he was going to be home at 1am and then rolled in at 2pm the next day while I was at home looking after 2 DC.
Would you say that he had destroyed the trust in your marriage, that you didn't know where to go from here, regarding the relationship, and that he'd basically 'cheated' on you, though?