DH says I've broken his trust

[StripyTShirt]

I went to a music festival last weekend, got a bit drunk and went back to one of my oldest friends for drinks and a catch up. We talked all night (we've both just recently lost parents). I got home around 2pm the next day.

Genuinely nothing else happened. DH said what I have done is the same as cheating and I have broken his trust. I would never cheat on him, I love him more than anything and he has been my absolute rock since I lost my dad.

I know I shouldn't have stayed out that long and I have apologized and promised it won't happen again and it has never happened before but he is acting like I was out having sex with people when I was just catching up with a friend and talking about feelings that I don't feel I can talk to him or my family about. I've had a few thoughts of self harm and suicide and she just listened, no judgement.

To avoid a drip feed, he is from another culture but we are the same religion and are usually so strong. We have 2 DC 15 and 4. They were being cared for by him. He has never done anything like this.

I don't know what I'm aiming for here, just advice really, he says he doesn't know what he wants to do about our marriage and he feels like the trust is gone. How do I get him to trust me again, I can't lose him.

[DishingOutDone]

@StripyTShirt

Yes I let him know where I was and I was ok. The friend is a female we went to uni together.

Have I missed something? Op said yes he knew Where she was and that she was ok.

[callmeadoctor]

@TheGrumpyGoat

I think those threads are equally ridiculous. If this is considered a good enough reason to end a marriage, I honestly have no idea why people bother any more

This. Regardless of the sexes, I would say it’s ridiculous for someone to want to end a marriage because of one incident in which one part of the couple got carried away, had too much to drink and stayed at a friend’s house.

I agree, except the OP didn't come home after she stayed at a friends the night. She stayed out till after lunch the next day. (If she text her DH that she wouldn't be back till the next afternoon, then fair enough but she hasn't said that)

[Sommernacht89]

I wonder if your husband has an affair...

[TheGrumpyGoat]

I think those threads are equally ridiculous. If this is considered a good enough reason to end a marriage, I honestly have no idea why people bother any more

This. Regardless of the sexes, I would say it’s ridiculous for someone to want to end a marriage because of one incident in which one part of the couple got carried away, had too much to drink and stayed at a friend’s house.

[Blossomtoes]

@sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea

But the number of posters who are saying 'You didn't do anything wrong, he's a controlling bastard' is worrying, don't you think? I agree it's not something to end a marriage over, but the number of threads we get on here where a woman posts saying 'Don't know where DH is, he said he was going back to his mates, it's 6 o'clock in the morning, I'm going out of my mind with worry' and then in response 'LTB/have his belongings in bin bags/change the locks' etc.

The point is that her DH had no idea where she was, is probably aware she is struggling with her mental health, and I'd guess is lashing out because he was scared what might have happened to her. We don't know. But he can't be that much of an arsehole if her going out wasn't an issue in the first place. It was her staying out until lunchtime the following day that was.

I think those threads are equally ridiculous. If this is considered a good enough reason to end a marriage, I honestly have no idea why people bother any more.

[diddl]

"But again, if the OP was female and wrote that her OH had texted her at 1.00am then not got home until 2.00pm there would be plenty of posts saying 'are you sure he was at a male mate's house 'just chatting'?"

Well yes-I asked if he might think that Op wasn't where she said she was.

We also don't know what communication there was the next day.
(Unless I've missed it)

[sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea]

She didn't really though. She said she'd by home at one, then that she was going to a friends. And it doesn't sound as though she woke up first thing on the sofa and let him know she was ok. That's still 13hrs unaccounted for, and in his shoes I would be going spare too. Not marriage endingly so, but ExP did this to me more than once, and it is AWFUL because you have no idea what's going on. It really is a major breach of trust.

[Skyla2005]

@sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea

I am honestly starting to think people haven't RTFT. OP went missing in action for THIRTEEN HOURS, and hasn't been back to explain how or why that happened, or whether her DH knew. That is kind of the crux of the issue.

I'm sure we've all had nights out where we suddenly say 'jesus christ, it was only eleven fifteen minutes ago, how did it get to half two in the morning?' How many of us have stayed out until past lunchtime the following day though? And just expected everything to be ok?

She has clearly said that she did text him and he knew exactly where she was so no he wouldn't have been worried just being an arse

[TheFoundations]

She'd told him where she was and that she was ok, though.

[sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea]

But the number of posters who are saying 'You didn't do anything wrong, he's a controlling bastard' is worrying, don't you think? I agree it's not something to end a marriage over, but the number of threads we get on here where a woman posts saying 'Don't know where DH is, he said he was going back to his mates, it's 6 o'clock in the morning, I'm going out of my mind with worry' and then in response 'LTB/have his belongings in bin bags/change the locks' etc.

The point is that her DH had no idea where she was, is probably aware she is struggling with her mental health, and I'd guess is lashing out because he was scared what might have happened to her. We don't know. But he can't be that much of an arsehole if her going out wasn't an issue in the first place. It was her staying out until lunchtime the following day that was.

[TheFoundations]

'Expecting everything to be ok' is very different from 'Expecting your marriage to remain secure.'

Nobody's saying that OP's husband ought to be jumping for joy. But she hasn't cheated on him or done anything worthy of threatening a marriage.

[sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea]

I am honestly starting to think people haven't RTFT. OP went missing in action for THIRTEEN HOURS, and hasn't been back to explain how or why that happened, or whether her DH knew. That is kind of the crux of the issue.

I'm sure we've all had nights out where we suddenly say 'jesus christ, it was only eleven fifteen minutes ago, how did it get to half two in the morning?' How many of us have stayed out until past lunchtime the following day though? And just expected everything to be ok?

[TheFoundations]

I think those comparing the 'wife stayed out all night' to 'husband stayed out all night' need to bear in mind that we don't usually know for sure that the husband definitely did 'stay with a mate', and that the responses to wives whose husbands definitely had done that would be very different to those with a question mark about where they'd been.

If a husband was bereaved, had unusually stayed out all night, and had been in touch to say he was staying with a friend, I'm not sure that the cries of 'LTB' would be quite so prolific.

[Feedingthebirds1]

I thought that at first-but really, unless there were plans, what did it matter?

He spent time with his kids.

Big whoop!

But if it's the male who doesn't come home until 2.00pm, MN tends not to say that the OP spent time with her kids, big whoop. It's more about how he's treating her as the default parent, leaving all the work to her.

I think his reaction of saying that you've broken his trust and it's the same as cheating is OTT though.

But again, if the OP was female and wrote that her OH had texted her at 1.00am then not got home until 2.00pm there would be plenty of posts saying 'are you sure he was at a male mate's house 'just chatting'?

[BillMasen]

@IntermittentParps

Tell him to stop being ridiculous, that you are allowed time out with friends, that he doesn't own you, & that you do not want to hear another word about it.

100 per cent.

I’d love to see this on a “my husband stayed out all night”

He said he’s allowed time out, I don’t own him, he doesn’t want to hear another word about it

There would be uproar!

[fuckoffImcounting]

He is punishing you for going out and having a good time . Tell him to get to fuck. I spend long hours with old friends deep into the night at every opportunity - DH is happy that I am happy.

[Quartz2208]

I dont get this it was a female friend and you told him. Yes he could be a bit annoyed but that is it

[whynotwhatknot]

He can be pissed off about the late roll in the next day but thats nothing to do with cheating

do you go out alot or does he not like it

[Blossomtoes]

@TeenTitan007

I'd find it hilarious if my DH said anything along these lines. I do go out with my friends and come home quite late, sometimes 1/2 am. He's always concerned for my safety - but where on earth does 'cheating' come in from? I can't even respond so such a ridiculous accusation!

This. I wouldn’t have been able to keep a straight face.

[Viviennemary]

It was a bit cheeky of you for staying out so long. But that's all.

[RosiePosieDozy]

As long as you let him know where you were and what you were doing, you didn't do anything wrong.

He seems very controlling.

[CantBeAssed]

@moynomore..finally someone who is honest!
But, because he's a man he isn't allowed to be annoyed, that's just controlling 🙄

[TurquoiseDragon]

knittingaddict if the situation were reversed, people would be checking if this was a one off, firstly.

If OP was doing this regularly, then I'd be suggesting she takes a look at herself and be faair to her family. But there's no indication of that here.

[TurquoiseDragon]

@futureghost

Your husband is in the wrong 100% and not you.

he says he doesn't know what he wants to do about our marriage and he feels like the trust is gone
This is utter game playing on his behalf. Don't play the game of trying to 'win back' his trust. You never did anything to lose his trust. He has issues he needs to deal with himself.
If he bangs on about he doesn't know what to do about the marriage tell him he is free to leave it as you won't be staying in a marriage where he behaves like this.

This.

He sounds very controlling to me. All this over reaction and the OP is now on the verge of grovelling to him when she's not in the wrong.

Sounds very much like he'll use this as a stick to beat OP with, checking up on her all the time.

*@StripyTShirt* before you start asking what you can do to 'win the trust back', you need to take the rose tinted specs off and have a serious look at your relationship. Him suggesting it's akin to cheating places him firmly in wazzock territory.

[moynomore]

I can't believe some of these responses. No, it's not the same as cheating and he didn't accuse her of cheating, but it's a horrible thing to do to your partner. I would be absolutely livid if my husband did this and I would never do it to him. Coming how at 2pm the next day when you have kids? Sorry, I must not be cool, but no way.