DH says I've broken his trust

[StripyTShirt]

I went to a music festival last weekend, got a bit drunk and went back to one of my oldest friends for drinks and a catch up. We talked all night (we've both just recently lost parents). I got home around 2pm the next day.

Genuinely nothing else happened. DH said what I have done is the same as cheating and I have broken his trust. I would never cheat on him, I love him more than anything and he has been my absolute rock since I lost my dad.

I know I shouldn't have stayed out that long and I have apologized and promised it won't happen again and it has never happened before but he is acting like I was out having sex with people when I was just catching up with a friend and talking about feelings that I don't feel I can talk to him or my family about. I've had a few thoughts of self harm and suicide and she just listened, no judgement.

To avoid a drip feed, he is from another culture but we are the same religion and are usually so strong. We have 2 DC 15 and 4. They were being cared for by him. He has never done anything like this.

I don't know what I'm aiming for here, just advice really, he says he doesn't know what he wants to do about our marriage and he feels like the trust is gone. How do I get him to trust me again, I can't lose him.

[Mintjulia]

Then I can't see what the issue is. He knew where you were, with whom, and that you were safe. Also that you were contactable.
So far you are just a grown woman who decided to stay over with a female college friend.
It's certainly not akin to cheating.
He can be annoyed that he had some unscheduled lone childcare, but he's being a bit melodramatic imo

[IHaveNoOneToTalkTo]

I don't think you've done anything wrong, OP. You let him know where you were so I don't see the issue.

[diddl]

So you said you'd be home around 1am & turned up 13hrs later?

When did you say that you were staying the night/wouldn't be home until the afternoon?

Does he think that you were elsewhere?

Judging you by his standards?

Pissed off & looking fter his kids & trying t o make sure that you won't go out for so long or at all again?

[Sisisimone]

I'd have probably text to say I was staying over just so DH wasn't worried sick but apart from that you've done nothing wrong. Did you call him in the morning to let him know you were still alive or just rock in at 2pm? Maybe he was worried and pissed off at the lack of communication?

Both DH and I have the occasional blow outs like this. Its really no big deal.

[1forAll74]

He sounds very insecure, and a bit over the top with his viewpoint, about what he thinks he should do about things now, it's very sad that he has this kind of mindset about something like this.

[onelittlefrog]

Are you female and heterosexual?

If so then I think your husband is being very dramatic and strange about this as she would obviously not be someone that you would have a romantic attraction to anyway.

If you're bisexual or have spoken to him about ever being attracted to women in the past then I can kind of see his point.

Even then, though, as long as you have told him where you are I don't think it should be a problem in a trusting relationship.

[FlorenceWintle]

I think he can be a bit annoyed that you just did what you wanted and dumped the kids on him but the rest sounds OTT.

[TinnedPotatoesRock]

I think I'd have been a bit miffed if it was my partner and he didn't turn up until 2 the next afternoon but cheating, no, unless you're a bloke or bisexual (or whatever the correct term is these days).

[CorrBlimeyGG]

The ones who accuse others of cheating, normally are themselves.

Should we apply that to all the women who accuse their partners (and many complete strangers) on MN?

[NailsNeedDoing]

He’s allowed to be pissed off with you for coming home more than 12 hours later than you said you would be, even if you did let him know.

This is one of those MN double standards threads where you’re getting completely different responses as a woman than you would if you posted saying your DH had come home that late after leaving you with the children. Responses to that would be full of what a twat he is and LtB.

[userxx]

Weird. You need to start staying out more, he'll get used to it then.

[SailYourShips]

@StormBaby

I’d be very concerned that he’s projecting his own behaviour on to you and he’s cheated either now or in the past. All the women in here with husbands who cheat all said the same thing, “he wouldn’t do that, he’s either home or at work”.

I agree. After all, the saying "You don't look behind the door unless you've hidden there yourself" is a true one.

[Antinerak]

I'm very sorry for your loss, he should be more sensitive to you being able to chat about your grief and feelings with a friend. It's not even remotely near cheating to do that! Does he show any other signs of insecurity about your relationship?

[Blondeshavemorefun]

So you were going to be home 1am after festival

Then go to her house and talk and stay the night

But you didn’t let him know what happened after 1am. Is that it ?

Or you told him you were going back to hers and staying the night

To arrive home 12hrs after original time abs not letting them know isn’t right

If you did let him know you were staying and be home after lunch then thats diff

[Stompythedinosaur]

Staying out overnight and leaving your dp to pick up the slack at home (without him agreeing he was happy to do so) isn't ideal.

He is being massively over dramatic, though. It isn't the same as cheating. Does he believe you were with your female friend, or does he suspect you were sleeping with someone? Or sleeping with her?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

It sounds as if you and your friend both needed some decompression time. Personally I wouldn’t be pleased if you did this without prior arrangement. However you called him to let him know where you were and he should be more understanding as you have recently lost a parent.

He’s acting like a total misogynist. Trying to make you out to be a cheat is manipulative and nasty. I would also wonder if he is projecting here as others have said and is in fact a cheat or at the very least contemplated cheating.

[Ashitaka]

Genuinely nothing else happened. DH said what I have done is the same as cheating and I have broken his trust.

I would really struggle with this personally.

[InnPain]

So you stayed with a female friend overnight? Did you DP know you were there and that you wouldn’t be returning home? Why is he comparing this to cheating is what I’m confused about.

[dreamofaVWcamper]

Overreacting, then to say he doesn't know what to do re your marriage, very odd....

[AnathemaPulsifer]

I initially assumed it was a male (platonic) friend and it was still a huge overreaction from your husband.

[LowlandLucky]

Your DH is sulking like a child. He knew where you were and that you were safe. Tell him to grow up.

[DishingOutDone]

Why do people keep saying the DP didn’t know where OP was?

[AryaStarkWolf]

Your husband is being really weird.

[Bubbletiers]

My ex did this, I never suspected he was cheating but I was annoyed he didn’t have the decency to message me at 1/2/3am to say “Hey I’m with my friends I’m super drunk so I’m going to crash here”. I only discovered where he was by phoning his friend and I genuinely thought he had drunkenly hurt himself (he was useless at getting home drunk).

He has every right to be annoyed for 12/24 hours as you were off doing whatever you fancied- but- it isn’t the same as cheating, not one bit, you’re allowed alone time! Pre agreed is usually more considerate but given the circumstances.

I believe if you kept him in the loop and said you weren’t coming home then he can’t be annoyed for much longer than the Sunday (if for example you went out on the Saturday).

Cheating it is not. Unless he’s saying he thinks you’ve cheated snd he doesn’t believe you therefore trust you.

I think part of the issue lies with him and his ability to trust. Did his ex cheat?

[diddl]

So all this overreacting/drama on his part-what's it aiming to achieve?

Do you normally "toe the line" Op & this to make sure you never overstep again?

" I can't lose him."

Why?

What are you willing to put up with to make sure that that doesn't happen?