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Original poster

DH says I've broken his trust

144 replies

StripyTShirt · 16/09/2021 14:22

I went to a music festival last weekend, got a bit drunk and went back to one of my oldest friends for drinks and a catch up. We talked all night (we've both just recently lost parents). I got home around 2pm the next day.

Genuinely nothing else happened. DH said what I have done is the same as cheating and I have broken his trust. I would never cheat on him, I love him more than anything and he has been my absolute rock since I lost my dad.

I know I shouldn't have stayed out that long and I have apologized and promised it won't happen again and it has never happened before but he is acting like I was out having sex with people when I was just catching up with a friend and talking about feelings that I don't feel I can talk to him or my family about. I've had a few thoughts of self harm and suicide and she just listened, no judgement.

To avoid a drip feed, he is from another culture but we are the same religion and are usually so strong. We have 2 DC 15 and 4. They were being cared for by him. He has never done anything like this.

I don't know what I'm aiming for here, just advice really, he says he doesn't know what he wants to do about our marriage and he feels like the trust is gone. How do I get him to trust me again, I can't lose him.

OP posts:

grapewine · 16/09/2021 16:27

This would have pissed me off too.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 16/09/2021 16:27

Was in genuinely a one off? Did he have something he needed to do the next day? As someone who was on the receiving end of this kind of thing all the time it can be pretty upsetting. My H is now an ex. Difference being he did it all the time, sometimes even when I had work the next day so left me without childcare, or for a couple of days at a time. It sucks being with someone unreliable. If it was a genuine one off and you pull your weight at home etc and you communicated what you were doing with him, minimal impact on him etc then it’s forgivable for sure but if it’s part of a pattern of behavior then you are out of line.

Bagelsandbrie · 16/09/2021 16:29

I don’t understand why your dh is upset. Unless this happens regularly it’s fine isn’t it?! What does it matter? You told him where you were, you were safe and with a female friend… I’m confused!

My dh and I have been together 12 years and this weekend he had a rare night out with work friends, I didn’t have a clue what time he’d be back but I knew he was okay and trusted he’d text me if he needed me. I put Ds to bed and sent him a text to say I was off to bed at 10pm and forgot about him…! He got in about 1am. No drama or no issue whatsoever.

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Relationship problems

onelittlefrog · 16/09/2021 16:31

@DishingOutDone

Why do people keep saying the DP didn’t know where OP was?

I think because that seems like the only plausible reason why this would annoy him so much?

Flowerpower23 · 16/09/2021 16:34

Oh christ, you’ve had a hard time lately, you blew off some steam staying out late chatting. I honestly wouldn’t bat an eyelid if this happened with my partner. You’re still allowed to have fun that doesn’t involve him once in a while! He’s being a dick.

Unsure33 · 16/09/2021 16:36

What are you even feeling bad about . Your OH is being absolutely ridiculous.

If I was you I would be angry about HIS reaction .

NichyNoo · 16/09/2021 16:37

Just ignore him and carry on with your life as usual. Let the little boy have his sulk.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 16/09/2021 16:38

Well he sounds like a complete plonker. What a load of fuss about nothing. Is he usually this dramatic and hysterical about non events?
I'm very sorry about your Dad ?

Fluffycloudland77 · 16/09/2021 16:39

It bloody isn't the same as cheating. Is he looking for a way out? He’s acting very oddly here.

If I did this dh would be really worried about me because he’d be thinking I’d been murdered.

B00kMark · 16/09/2021 16:40

Honestly, I would just say you understand how he feels and open up the divorce link on gov.uk deadpan. It will show if he’s a controlling arsehole who never expected you to take the lead and instead thought you would grovel and get back in your box with his overreacting threat.

You did nothing massively wrong. So you weren’t angelically perfect and spent an evening with a girlfriend which rolled over. Apologise, make sure that you’re more informative usually but jeez. It’s not helpful of me to say “my husband would never do that” but I really think your husband is in the minority.

ChargingBuck · 16/09/2021 16:42

@StripyTShirt

Yes I let him know where I was and I was ok. The friend is a female we went to uni together.

Yeah - he doesn't have a trust issue. He has a control issue.

Tell him to stop being ridiculous, that you are allowed time out with friends, that he doesn't own you, & that you do not want to hear another word about it.

pictish · 16/09/2021 16:43

You haven’t broken his trust, you haven’t done anything wrong.
He is breaking yours…the trust that you could go round to a friend’s for a drink and a chat without this bullshit to contend with. You’ll think twice before doing that perfectly normal thing again. What a shame.

pictish · 16/09/2021 16:46

P.s I do this sort of thing quite often. When I go out I stay out and occasionally end up back at someone’s house for after hours drink and chat. My husband has never accused me of cheating because I have never cheated.
I do what I like.

futureghost · 16/09/2021 16:46

Your husband is in the wrong 100% and not you.

he says he doesn't know what he wants to do about our marriage and he feels like the trust is gone
This is utter game playing on his behalf. Don't play the game of trying to 'win back' his trust. You never did anything to lose his trust. He has issues he needs to deal with himself.

If he bangs on about he doesn't know what to do about the marriage tell him he is free to leave it as you won't be staying in a marriage where he behaves like this.

pointythings · 16/09/2021 16:46

You haven't broken his trust. Even if you didn't notify him to let him know you were staying over (it's not clear from your posts), that's minor. To equate it to cheating is just him being dramatic and controlling. He needs to get over himself.

And for the whataboutery brigade on this thread - yes, I was perfectly happy for my late husband to do this. He didn't cheat with people, just with the booze later on in our marriage.

RantyAunty · 16/09/2021 16:48

Nice of him to attempt to ruin your fun evening.
Tell him to get over himself.
You did nothing wrong and have nothing to apologise for.

Esmereldapawpatrol · 16/09/2021 16:50

Your DH is totally over reacting! Is he just jealous you were out having a nice time?

It is absolutely not the same as cheating, you were with a friend and let him know where you were! DO NOT be made to feel bad here as you have done nothing wrong, you have taken some time for yourself, which is allowed as a fully grown adult!!

Branleuse · 16/09/2021 16:51

hes really overreacting. I mean, its not ideal, but I hardly think its a massive breach of trust either. Youre an adult who is allowed to live their life and you havent cheated or broken any marriage vows.

beastlyslumber · 16/09/2021 16:55

Red flag.

He's threatening you because he wants you to get back in line.

TheFoundations · 16/09/2021 16:56

I was just catching up with a friend and talking about feelings that I don't feel I can talk to him or my family about

You can't talk to him about these feelings? What's your relationship like usually? Loving? Respectful? Does he listen to you? Do you feel cared for?

Cherryana · 16/09/2021 16:56

This worries me because its could be a way to control your actions in the future. Are you no longer allowed to spend time with your (female) friend - is she now a bad influence, or you won't go to a music festival.

He might not tell you you can't go but I expect that it would be very easy for you to self-curtail your actions to not 'cause a fuss' like this.

This is a slipery slope.

So while I have sympathy to the point that he would have been waiting for you to come in - the reaction, the accusations, the hyperbole and the drama of it - is a red flag

ChargingBuck · 16/09/2021 17:02

If my bereaved spouse had been suffering suicidal ideation, & found solace in staying out unexpectedly with a friend who was true & trusted enough to him to confide in & relax with, I would feel that was a night very well-spent.

A caring spouse would be pleased you had this one night off, for support & emotional release with a close friend. A caring husband would think well of that friend, & ask when you were seeing them again, & make themselves available for sole parenting so that their wife could have the benefit of that friend's companionship regularly.

A selfish husband, OTH, thinks only of his own feelings, & is prepared to threaten the marriage in order to prove his point. That point being that you now feel uncomfortable instead of supported, & will question your 'right' to have a night out with your friend again.

It's very unkind, & worryingly controlling.

You need to explain this to him clearly & calmly OP, & expect to be heard.
If he still makes it all about him, & keeps stirring the melodrama ... you need to have a long quiet think about the true dynamic of your marriage.

MLMbotsno · 16/09/2021 17:03

@Mintjulia

Did you stay out all night without letting him know where you were, and that you were ok? No text? Nothing?

Overnight and then 2 pm the following afternoon.... I guess most would be put out by that.

But, did you text him to say?

diddl · 16/09/2021 17:04

@grapewine

This would have pissed me off too.

I thought that at first-but really, unless there were plans, what did it matter?

He spent time with his kids.

Big whoop!

IntermittentParps · 16/09/2021 17:05

Tell him to stop being ridiculous, that you are allowed time out with friends, that he doesn't own you, & that you do not want to hear another word about it.

100 per cent.

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