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Original poster

Do you allow mixed gender sleepovers?

63 replies

habibibibi · 15/09/2021 03:05

My 14 yo dd wants a mixed sleepover. I'm on the fence. She assures me that there is nothing romantic between the boys and girls in the group, they are just friends.

I'm really undecided here. On the one hand, my parents allowed it back in the day. We would sleep in the living room and there really was no hanky panky going on. I like that DD has platonic friendships with boys, she enjoys their friendship a lot (less drama, more just being silly). On the other hand, am I inviting trouble by allowing this?

Kind of leaning to yes but that they don't all sleep in the same room (boys in living room, or our office/spare room and girls in bedroom) and that I check with the boys' parents first. Just wondering what others would do or think?

OP posts:
TimeThyme · 16/09/2021 21:49

It should be OK, it could be OK, but there is a risk as we found out. In that case some stupid pictures were taken and shared, and it caused a lot of problems (a girl, we don’t know who, borrowed a phone and took loads of intimate non identifiable photos on other peoples phones) … silly stuff but it caused a lot of problems.

FelicityBeedle · 16/09/2021 21:56

As long as it’s not just two of them it’s fine

FelicityBeedle · 16/09/2021 21:57

We used to at all the time at that age. I had a boyfriend and we took the opportunity to snuggle but nothing more, because the room was full of others!

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aLittleL1fe · 16/09/2021 22:02

I would allow it for a group. I wouldn't allow a sleepover in the same room of a girl and a boy (or any other romantically involved people/genders), at this age.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 16/09/2021 22:11

Sex, mixed sex, mixed gendered means nothing.

Plus why are you happy with single sex sleepovers. Are you not able to foresee same sex attraction?

LaurieFairyCake · 16/09/2021 22:21

I've told this story at least the last 3 times someone asked this

I worked in a school where a mixed sleepover happened

And a girl got pregnant

She was 13

lisaandalan · 16/09/2021 22:25

No. X

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 16/09/2021 22:31

@LaurieFairyCake

I've told this story at least the last 3 times someone asked this

I worked in a school where a mixed sleepover happened

And a girl got pregnant

She was 13

Getting pregnant is not the worst thing.

What about an all boy or all girl sleepover where someone is raped, or a single sex sleepover with homosexuals?

myheartskippedabeat · 16/09/2021 22:32

@LaurieFairyCake

I've told this story at least the last 3 times someone asked this

I worked in a school where a mixed sleepover happened

And a girl got pregnant

She was 13

Excellent point

How would you feel in 6 weeks time of another girls parents contact you to say their daughter is pregnant after you hosted a mixed sex sleepover

Unless your in the room with them you'll have no control whatsoever

It's ridiculous at such a young age and un-necessary

HasaDigaEebowai · 16/09/2021 22:34

Not on your nelly.

I remember going to mixed sex sleepovers at about that age and things most definitely happened.

LizzieSiddal · 16/09/2021 22:34

My Dds friendship group all the way through secondary was five girls and one boy. We did allow them to have sleepovers.
However if it had been two or more boys, I’d have felt very differently and wouldn’t have allowed it. With only one boy, the girls were very much in control.

IamJuliaJohnson · 16/09/2021 22:40

I went to many as a teen. Usually everyone in sleeping bags in the sitting room. I don’t recall any hanky panky going on, it’s far too public and weird. Usually it would be some kind of film (probably a horror) and pizza/snacks, maybe some games, and a lot of chatting and not a lot of sleep. The raunchiest I remember was being about 14 and holding hands with a boy I really liked. It was way too public for anything else. I think even if people were in relationships by then or sexually active it wasn’t the right environment, and those people would have had sex some other time at another location.

As we got older and people definitely had coupled up and become sexually active the desire to all sleep in one room had definitely gone. That stage was much more about nights out together and then going back to separate houses.

We are a few years off that here, and I know it will be a bit of an issue here with DH who will think it a) inappropriate and b) will be very wound up by being kept up by loud teenagers, but I’d very much prefer being able to see what they are up to.

ANameChangeAgain · 16/09/2021 22:44

I agree with @Stompythedinosaur

I work as a therapist with teens - there is not chance I will have mixed teen sleepovers (though I've had mixed sleepovers for younger dc). I've had too many teens talk about feeling pressured into situations that they didn't know how to get out of.

I personally had a mixed group of friends and it was very platonic. Sexual behaviour didn't even occur to my friendship group. I know if we would have had sleepover nothing would have happened. I do think though if you allow it to go ahead it you will have a sleepless night of one ear open and careful chaperoning.

ShowOfHands · 17/09/2021 07:46

When I was at school, a 13yr old girl got pregnant.

Some of dd's 14yr old peers are having sex already.

I'm still fine with DD having mixed sex sleepovers with her particular set of friends. That said, her best friends are all boys. If one of her female friends was also included in the sleepovers, they'd be in separate rooms. I can only make the decision for my own child and it becomes complicated if you're caring for other people's children.

Winebefore5 · 17/09/2021 08:05

Teenage pregnancies happen regardless of mixed sleepovers or not tho? Just like teenagers can get drunk and try drugs. I imagine far less likely to happen if someone’s parents are at home, and more likely to happen in a field somewhere without parental supervision, when the kids have all lied and said they’re staying over at someone else’s house, or while they’re hanging out during the day and parents have nipped out.

I had mixed sleepovers when I was younger, two of my best friends were boys. No other boys would be allowed tho, and definitely no sleepovers in my room 1:1.

I’d check with the other parents, set out ground rules with the kids, only have kids who haven’t broken your trust/ given your reason to be worried. Maybe stick your head in a few times during the night when you’re “up to pee”.

CorianderAndCream · 17/09/2021 09:40

Am giggling a bit at parents being 'unaware' of shenanigans aged 14-16 and can tell you that they very much happen.

My peers were doing everything from kissing to full on intercourse at that age. Mostly at parties and joint sleepovers.

It does happen.

I'd allow if say one of the group was the opposite sex as it would be awful to exclude just one kid, but otherwise sorry... too many memories

PumpkinKlNG · 17/09/2021 09:44

No

ShowOfHands · 17/09/2021 09:48

@CorianderAndCream of course it happens and much more. I know some of my dd's peers are also experimenting with drugs and drink. It's not really a giggling matter tbh but I agree that there may well be some naive parents out there. In fact I know a couple who allow their dds to attend parties because they wouldn't do xyz and they couldn't be more wrong.

But sometimes you know that your child will not be the one to do those things so, as in my example, I know that DD can have her male friends to stay and there will be nothing sexual happening. But I'd never allow a mixed sex sleepovers if it involved other girls as well as DD. I can't make that call and never would.

KurtWilde · 17/09/2021 09:54

I allowed it when my eldest ones were teens. I'm not naive enough to think that shenanigans definitely didn't go on, but the fact is they'll go on somewhere somehow regardless of whether you allow a mixed sleepover or not.

My younger ones aren't teens yet but I'll allow it again when they are.

Doomscrolling · 17/09/2021 09:55

We’ve had them but the sexes slept in separate rooms.

myheartskippedabeat · 18/09/2021 20:58

@Doomscrolling

We’ve had them but the sexes slept in separate rooms.
What on earth is the point in this they'll just walk thru if they want too
MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 18/09/2021 21:01

myheart but equally why is no one concerned with same sex sex?

Bitofachinwag · 18/09/2021 21:02

@Littleants

Not on your nelly. If brothers and sisters have to be separated for sleeping at ten, no way am I going to allow friends (potentially with relationships) to sleep together. I know they can have sex any time. That does not mean I have to facilitate it.
Brothers and sisters don't have to be separated for sleeping at 10.
thesearesexpeople · 18/09/2021 21:02

Mixed SEX.

NichyNoo · 18/09/2021 21:04

I wouldn’t allow it. At 14, me and my friends were all having sex - being in the same room as others was no impediment! If my mum had asked I would’ve lied through my teeth (she still doesn’t know)

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