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Don't know how to tell friend I got some financial help to buy first home?

130 replies

Lizzie523 · 30/08/2021 22:55

I'm in my late 20s & come from a working class background so I had a fairly modest upbringing. When my grandad died, he left a lot of money behind to the shock of us all - and that money mainly came from the payout he received from a historic child abuse case which affected him so badly that he was unable to have a proper relationship with me or anyone else. Following this my parents decided they wanted to help me buy my first flat with this money.

I resisted at first because I felt a lot of emotions surrounding the money and because I've never taken money from them since I left home but they reframed it as giving me part of my inheritance now to get set up rather than struggle for years. In the end I accepted their generosity & although I used my savings too, I bought the bulk of the flat with the gifted money.

My friend comes from a wealthy family & she went to private school. She now lives in quite a poor place & lives between paychecks. She has said a number of times that she thinks it isn't right for people to accept money from their parents as 'what's the point if you haven't worked for it yourself'. But also recognises she and her partner won't be able to afford a place for many years.

I feel so, so awkward about this situation. Partly because I believe she is right and I feel some guilt over the gifted money. But also because this is my life & I want to be honest. How should I approach it? We're going on a trip soon so it would be a good time...

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 30/08/2021 22:57

It's your business not hers. You don't have to mention it.

Letthelightoflove · 30/08/2021 22:57

Why do you need to tell her? It’s really none of her business and I dont understand why you would want to anyway.

RosesAndHellebores · 30/08/2021 22:58

Oh and I reckon she says she doesn't believe parents should help tobwinnow it out of you.

DramaAlpaca · 30/08/2021 22:58

I don't understand why you would tell her at all. It's nobody's business but yours. I'm the sort who doesn't discuss my finances with anyone though.

Oh, and don't feel guilty about the gifted money.

Marcee · 30/08/2021 22:58

I'd just be honest.

If it causes any problems then she isnt a real friend to you

Unfortunately in the current climate its almost impossible to get onto the housing ladder without some sort of help.

I wouldn't be feeling awkward or any guilt about accepting help to buy a house.

Lizzie523 · 30/08/2021 22:59

She has brought it up both times we have spoken recently as the topic of buying a home.natursllg comes up.

I haven't told her I have bought a home even though it is a significant thing. All my other close friends know but I haven't and I now feel I am hiding it which is ridiculous.

OP posts:
Lizzie523 · 30/08/2021 23:00

naturally comes up* - given our aged and friends trying to get onto the ladder

OP posts:
MyCatDribbles · 30/08/2021 23:00

I bought my property with my own money in 2018, albeit with a mortgage.
If my parents could have helped me I would have gladly accepted. Most of my friends got help.
It’s 2022 not 1972. Housing is expensive and unobtainable for a lot. If she wouldn’t accept the month in your position, well that’s up to her, and you don’t owe her anything

Cabbagewhites · 30/08/2021 23:00

If it even comes up, just say it’s inheritance from your grandad.

Hekatestorch · 30/08/2021 23:01

Its not her business.

I am guessing she isn't inheriting from her wealthy parents?

Lizzie523 · 30/08/2021 23:02

@Hekatestorch

Its not her business.

I am guessing she isn't inheriting from her wealthy parents?

Ha ha @Hekatestorch. I'm sure she will be!
OP posts:
CommanderBurnham · 30/08/2021 23:03

Just say you were lucky that your family has put aside some money for you. If she challenges it then 'I guess they didn't have the pressures of a private education to pay for'.

Hekatestorch · 30/08/2021 23:04

Ha ha@Hekatestorch. I'm sure she will be!

Exactly. So her issue would simply that you are benefitting from inheritance. Either before her. Or annoyed that your family shouldn't have had that sort of money to help you.

Either way, it's hypocritical and potentially, really shitty towards you.

CommanderBurnham · 30/08/2021 23:04

Or just say that your family has decided to give you some inheritance in advance. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

seven201 · 30/08/2021 23:04

@Cabbagewhites

If it even comes up, just say it’s inheritance from your grandad.
This.
Lizzie523 · 30/08/2021 23:05

@CommanderBurnham

Or just say that your family has decided to give you some inheritance in advance. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to do.
Yeah. And the thing is that the inheritance she gets in the end will be far more substantial than what I ever receive from parents. She isn't thinking of that though.
OP posts:
Lizzie523 · 30/08/2021 23:06

We've always been close to is hurts my feelings when she talks like this - not realising she is talking about me.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 30/08/2021 23:07

There's nothing wrong with what you've done
So she's got a different opinion. That's all it is. A different opinion.
You can say to her yes I had help towards my house.
She shouldn't respond negatively and if she does say I wouldn't have been able to afford it otherwise
Don't feel shameful about this

PepsiHoover · 30/08/2021 23:08

She may well say that about accepting money from parents, but I can imagine that if her parents offered her the same, she would bite their hand off to accept it. Often people with these attitudes are just lying to themselves instead of accepting the fact that their parents are tight fisted misers.

illuyankas · 30/08/2021 23:09

I don't understand why you need to feel this way. It's nothing to do with her how you live your life.
And it was from your Grandad, not your parents helping out. (though I also think there's nothing wrong in accepting help from your parents.)

Lizzie523 · 30/08/2021 23:10

@PepsiHoover

She may well say that about accepting money from parents, but I can imagine that if her parents offered her the same, she would bite their hand off to accept it. Often people with these attitudes are just lying to themselves instead of accepting the fact that their parents are tight fisted misers.
She clearly has her own issues and feelings around money. She resents being sent to a private school for example.

I don't know whether her family has offered her money at any point but I do know she did an expensive masters and lived off an internship in an expensive city for 2 years which seemed a stretch. I didn't judge her though, I assumed at the time she'd had financial help.

OP posts:
Elouera · 30/08/2021 23:11

My response would be:

'Jenny, that's a bit rude to ask where I got the money from. I don't ask about YOUR personal finances do I ?!?!?!'

Or

'Unfortunately my grandfather died, but did leave a small inheritance.' No need to elaborate any further. Nosy cow for even asking IMO!

TheHouseILiveIn · 30/08/2021 23:15

I don't understand your guilt. I don't know anyone who's not had help buying a house tbh

TartanJumper · 30/08/2021 23:16

None of her business.

LittleBrenda · 30/08/2021 23:19

She has said a number of times that she thinks it isn't right for people to accept money from their parents as 'what's the point if you haven't worked for it yourself'. But also recognises she and her partner won't be able to afford a place for many years.

I'd try very hard not tell her anything at all. Quite honestly it sounds like she's having a go at you!

If you are going to say anything at all I think I'd go for 'oh do you? I feel the complete opposite to you, I think it's absolutely marvellous that I have been able to buy this house because of my inheritance. I think it's brilliant'.

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