Don't know how to tell friend I got some financial help to buy first home?

[Lizzie523]

I'm in my late 20s & come from a working class background so I had a fairly modest upbringing. When my grandad died, he left a lot of money behind to the shock of us all - and that money mainly came from the payout he received from a historic child abuse case which affected him so badly that he was unable to have a proper relationship with me or anyone else. Following this my parents decided they wanted to help me buy my first flat with this money.

I resisted at first because I felt a lot of emotions surrounding the money and because I've never taken money from them since I left home but they reframed it as giving me part of my inheritance now to get set up rather than struggle for years. In the end I accepted their generosity & although I used my savings too, I bought the bulk of the flat with the gifted money.

My friend comes from a wealthy family & she went to private school. She now lives in quite a poor place & lives between paychecks. She has said a number of times that she thinks it isn't right for people to accept money from their parents as 'what's the point if you haven't worked for it yourself'. But also recognises she and her partner won't be able to afford a place for many years.

I feel so, so awkward about this situation. Partly because I believe she is right and I feel some guilt over the gifted money. But also because this is my life & I want to be honest. How should I approach it? We're going on a trip soon so it would be a good time...

@TheHouseILiveIn

I don't understand your guilt. I don't know anyone who's not had help buying a house tbh

I'm not totally convinced she won't get help when it comes down to it.

I do feel so guilty as well! Maybe it will pass after a few years? I generally feel fine really but when she makes those comments it gets to me. And it isn't as though I can rebuke her by pointing out she will be far more wealthy in the long run. Even though it's true.

@LittleBrenda

She has said a number of times that she thinks it isn't right for people to accept money from their parents as 'what's the point if you haven't worked for it yourself'. But also recognises she and her partner won't be able to afford a place for many years.

I'd try very hard not tell her anything at all. Quite honestly it sounds like she's having a go at you!

If you are going to say anything at all I think I'd go for 'oh do you? I feel the complete opposite to you, I think it's absolutely marvellous that I have been able to buy this house because of my inheritance. I think it's brilliant'.

She honestly doesn't know about it @LittleBrenda. She thinks I'm still renting.

Surely she'd know you got some financial help if you are buying your flat?

Her family’s money paid for her education. Your family’s money helped pay for your flat.

I don’t think you need to discuss your finances with her at all. She doesn’t need to know and has no right to know. Friends usually don’t share salary info or financing info.

@nc5698 I bought the flat but she doesn't know about it.

This is because she has been living in another continent but has recently returned home.

I would be a bit cautious of her tbh. She does sound as if she could turn on you.

The fact is that she has absolutely no right to know anything about your life unless you want to tell her. There isn't an entry fee to friendship that you pay with private information, though for sure there are people who behave as if there is. I find 'God that's a long story' and a laugh followed by changing the subject sometimes helps. But you don't have to discuss it.

I may be due some compensation due to an appalling event in 2018. It will be helpful to have the money but I would rather not have had the event. However, helping my ds with the money will obviously be a good thing. You don't have to feel any guilt that your family wanted to help you. It is a normal thing to do in all sorts of ways. She will probably change her tune if her family give her more help, and even if she doesn't, you don't have to agree.

Just don't say anything to her- it's not her business in any way shape or form!

If she says anything about it again just smile, bid and change the topic of conversation.

You don't need her approval for your life, she is just a mate for goodness sake!

Most friends are just happy for each other if a little luck or money comes their friend’s way.

I totally agree with the posters saying you don't have to actually say anything about the money. If she does ask and you really want to respond, then just say it's some inheritance and don't elaborate. In life friends and family often express views that are at odds with your life choices, but you can't live by other people's rules. Nor do you owe anyone explanations. I actually find your friends views on financial help a little odd, and actually what she may not understand is that she is possibly in the most privileged position of all... She can give life a go entirely off her own stream, but if it all falls apart she ultimately has a safety net. That means she can take risky enjoyment opportunities or delay getting onto the housing ladder, as they are highly unlikely to actually end up on the streets.

@PermanentTemporary

I would be a bit cautious of her tbh. She does sound as if she could turn on you.

The fact is that she has absolutely no right to know anything about your life unless you want to tell her. There isn't an entry fee to friendship that you pay with private information, though for sure there are people who behave as if there is. I find 'God that's a long story' and a laugh followed by changing the subject sometimes helps. But you don't have to discuss it.

I may be due some compensation due to an appalling event in 2018. It will be helpful to have the money but I would rather not have had the event. However, helping my ds with the money will obviously be a good thing. You don't have to feel any guilt that your family wanted to help you. It is a normal thing to do in all sorts of ways. She will probably change her tune if her family give her more help, and even if she doesn't, you don't have to agree.

It is the first time I have thought that.

She is usually absolutely lovely but she does judge people sometimes for their life choices that are different to hers. It comes out once in a blue moon but it's there.

She will come to my home eventually so I think I will need to tell her I've bought a home. I might even be inclined to say I know her feelings on the topic and see what she says and make no apology.

People are odd about families and money. But generally in life you want to avoid taking on other people’s issues.

It’s none of your friend’s business. If she might as well know you bought a home cos all your other friends will tell her, then tell her. If she asks how you managed it either say ‘sadly my grandad died and left me a small sum for a deposit’, or just ignore the question. Whatever you do don’t tell her any figures - if she asks just say a small amount, it was a gift from your grandad and you don’t want to discuss it.

If she gives you any gip, just say it’s an emotive subject and it’s done and dusted, so let’s leave it. Close her down everytime. If she keeps going on take a breather from the friendship.

I know it will be upsetting if she takes out whatever her neuroticism is out on you, but it’s not about you, it’s about her, so don’t take it on.

Enjoy your home - it’s great to get on the properly ladder early.

Just tell her you've bought a house. You have absolutely no reason to feel any guilt whatsoever.

Loads of people have help to get on the housing ladder. She may believe this is not something she wants to do and that is entirely up to her, although it is an odd thing to think. That doesn't mean you have to agree with what she believes about family money,

If she inherited would she give it away? Or won the lottery.

We've helped two DC's to get on the ladder it's noone else's business but ours

You don't have to tell her. Even if she asks how you afforded it, which is highly unlikely, it's your absolute right to keep this info to yourself particularly as it is linked to such sensitive family history. If you don't want to lie, say something true but not directly related, like, 'I cleaned out my savings and I have a mortgage' both of which will be true but not the full story.

It’s none of her business. You do not need to discuss your finances with her.

Her wealthy family helped her by financing her private education. Your family helped you get on the housing ladder. This is the increasingly the case for a lot of people. Therefore, tell her that your Grandad’s inheritance helped, but do not discuss any details with her such as figures. It’s rude and nosey to ask people about their wealth. People will tell you if they want you to know.

It sounds like she’s got some hang ups about her own financial situation and social standing, given that she comes from a wealthy family and was privately educated. Do not allow her to deflect her issues onto you.

You're massively over thinking this.

Why do you care so much what she thinks?

@IceLace100

You're massively over thinking this.

Why do you care so much what she thinks?

I suppose because I was already thinking similarly and she has said it out loud.

But of course her parents funded her private education which I never had. So I need to rethink my feelings on this I think.

Don't tell her how you were able to afford it. It is none of her business.

"I suppose because I was already thinking similarly and she has said it out loud.
*
But of course her parents funded her private education which I never had. So I need to rethink my feelings on this I think."*

Ask yourself why you want this friend to have a good opinion of you. You really really don't need it. Trust me. Are you happy with what you're doing? If yes, that's enough.

It's your life, you don't need the approval of everyone with an opinion. (Thank god because you'll never get it no matter what you do!)

Enjoy your good fortune and new home and don't give this another thought!

Almost all of the friends my age who have managed to get on the property ladder used money they either inherited or were gifted from family. I think it’s fairly common and reasonable to receive money towards a deposit when family can afford it and I don’t know anyone who would turn it down. Your friend’s stance is unusual and you have nothing to feel guilty or uncomfortable about for the money you received from your family.

I don't understand what she means by what's it worth if you didn't earn it yourself?
It's worth a secure home, so priceless I would have thought.
Obviously there are situations where people try to use money to control others.
But most families who help financially do it from a place of love.
Maybe she's been told the education and funded internship was her lot and they expect her to make her own way so she's bitter about people with more generous parents?
Either way just tell her you bought your home with help from an inheritance if she pushes on how.
"you remember my grandad died, don't you?" It makes me sad so I don't really want to talk about it." This has the benefit of being the truth.

Her thinking that doesnt make it right, nor do you have to pretend you agree with your mates on everything. If she brings it up again, say " thats the 3rd time youve brought that up, I got a little help to get my flat and i cant see whats wrong with that"
Or even a jokey "im.saying nothing, haha"

You shouldnt have to feel awkward. Its perfectly normal to use inheritance for this

It's ridiculous that you're feeling guilty about this. It's an inheritance from your grandad. It's just skipped a generation. It's entirely normal for this to happen, and is what I plan to do with anything that comes to me from an aunt I her 90s who's told me I'm in her will (assuming it doesn't go on care). It's called a deed of variation, and it also helps avoid inheritance tax. If I get anything from auntie, I'll direct it straight to my own DDs.

So if you feel the need to tell your friend about the purchase, it's absolutely fine to say that it's from your grandad's will. And for goodness' sake stop beating yourself up. I'd be gutted of my daughters overthought this. It would ruin the gesture.

She has said a number of times that she thinks it isn't right for people to accept money from their parents as 'what's the point if you haven't worked for it yourself'

But you say that she will certainly be inheriting from her wealthy parents . So there is no reason for her to criticise you for having an inheritance, when she will be getting one herself.

It literally is inheritance. My parents shared some of the inheritance from my grandma, I think of it as an inheritance. Pigs will fly before she gives her inheritance to charity , when you say you know what she thinks, you only know what she says. She thinks (very likely) it’s fine for her parents to support her through her masters and I’m also sure she will think it is fine to accept and use an inheritance. There is this interim step where she classifies it as handouts quite possibly because it makes her feel better about not getting any.