Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Don't know how to tell friend I got some financial help to buy first home?

130 replies

Lizzie523 · 30/08/2021 22:55

I'm in my late 20s & come from a working class background so I had a fairly modest upbringing. When my grandad died, he left a lot of money behind to the shock of us all - and that money mainly came from the payout he received from a historic child abuse case which affected him so badly that he was unable to have a proper relationship with me or anyone else. Following this my parents decided they wanted to help me buy my first flat with this money.

I resisted at first because I felt a lot of emotions surrounding the money and because I've never taken money from them since I left home but they reframed it as giving me part of my inheritance now to get set up rather than struggle for years. In the end I accepted their generosity & although I used my savings too, I bought the bulk of the flat with the gifted money.

My friend comes from a wealthy family & she went to private school. She now lives in quite a poor place & lives between paychecks. She has said a number of times that she thinks it isn't right for people to accept money from their parents as 'what's the point if you haven't worked for it yourself'. But also recognises she and her partner won't be able to afford a place for many years.

I feel so, so awkward about this situation. Partly because I believe she is right and I feel some guilt over the gifted money. But also because this is my life & I want to be honest. How should I approach it? We're going on a trip soon so it would be a good time...

OP posts:

Didyousaynutella · 31/08/2021 06:47

She got financial help already whether she likes it or not. A private education gave her better prospects. She didn’t work for her private education. You are just getting money spent in a different way.

Eviethyme · 31/08/2021 06:48

Sorry but it's none of her business. A simple, I saved or inheritance will do.

Congressdingo · 31/08/2021 06:49

[quote Lizzie523]@nc5698 I bought the flat but she doesn't know about it.

This is because she has been living in another continent but has recently returned home.[/quote]
You realise you can Google your address, see when it was bought and how much it cost and for a few quid to the land registry you can get the owners details?
In fact for free you can sign up to an email alert with the land registry to show any legal movements on up to 10 properties. I've done this and have my house, my mothers house and my partners house on it.

I reckon she already knows you bought your flat I also truly believe in not talking about money or the lack of except in general terms. So I dont understand the angst in telling or not telling.

Lily78123 · 31/08/2021 06:53

There’s nothing wrong in accepting money from your parents to get on the property ladder. I will be more than happy to help my kids.

Justwantanewname · 31/08/2021 07:02

I don’t understand why either of you are being so judgey about people accepting help from parents to buy property. My mother couldn’t afford to give me money but she could afford to lend me something which covered the legal fees and a bit of deposit. Without that I couldn’t have afforded that flat. If she could have gifted me the money she absolutely would. I will certainly give my children money towards a property if we can afford it. Why would we not?

saleorbouy · 31/08/2021 07:04

It sounds a bit of sour grapes on her and nore like she us a little bitter that her wealthy parents have not given her a leg up. I'm sure she's not going to give her inheritance to the local dogs home if she gets it!
The gift from your Grandad came from some very unfortunate circumstances which will have affected all of your family in some way especially you grandad.
Enjoy the gift and the fact you have been given this leg up in life, she sounds to me to be a bit bitter and resentful and is just trying to work out your situation.
I wouldn't bother telling her, it's a private matter which your Grandad told no one about and out of respect for him i'd follow his lead.

Confusedandshaken · 31/08/2021 07:06

My parents helped me buy my first flat 38 years ago. We are now helping our kids. To me it's normal.

It's none of your friends business. You can tell her or not tell her you were helped as you choose. What's interesting to me is why is her opinion so important to you?

Goingdriving · 31/08/2021 07:07

It isn’t any of her business. She’s wrong to make you feel guilty particularly with her own privileged background and own (likely) future inheritance. I agree with the poster who said you can just say it’s inheritance from your grandfather, if you want to say anything. You don’t have to tell her more.

Twinkie01 · 31/08/2021 07:08

Yeah right, if someone was going to offer her a house deposit she'd turn it down??

Just don't mention it OP, it's absolutely none of her business.

PyjamasAndWellies · 31/08/2021 07:19

I dont understand what we are supposed to do with inheritance if not use it for things like getting on the property ladder? What do you expect your DC and GC to do with your money when the time comes? Surely getting them set up with a home is the ideal use for it....

That aside, it's absolutely none of your friends business and if she asks then she is being incredibly rude

sassbott · 31/08/2021 07:20

Lol. Her words? Only that sort of commentary would leave a deeply privileged persons mouth IMO. What utter nonsense.

A lot of parents help their children onto the property ladder if they can. I know I will, why wouldn’t I help secure my own child’s future? I work hard for a reason.

newnortherner111 · 31/08/2021 07:21

Say nothing. You are not lying, and it is not anyone else's business. In any case the money in a sense came from the courts not family.

LadyCarolineDester · 31/08/2021 07:21

I don't know anyone who's not had help buying a house tbh

I didn’t have help, which is why I couldn’t afford to buy a house until I was 42. Like others, if there had been any chance of assistance to buy earlier, I would have accepted gratefully. It sounds to me as though your friend has some issues about her family and money, but that’s her problem, not yours.

I can understand your scruples about why your grandfather originally had the money, but it’s ok for you to use that money. You have nothing to feel guilty about!

phishy · 31/08/2021 07:23

This is the strangest post. She’s set to inherit a lot more than you, so she’s less worried about things like retirement, property etc and yet still wants to sit in judgement of others.

She sounds like a twat, but the question is why are you so passive and hand wringing about this? It’s none of her business how you bought the flat, if she asks, respond with a question asking how much she stands to inherit.

But please don’t go on about feeling guilty buying the flat with reparation money, it isn’t endearing unless you donate the money to a child abuse charity.

daisyducky · 31/08/2021 07:30

I find it more odd her wealthy parents aren't helping her.
Congratulations on your first home. Enjoy it. Nothing will give your parents more pleasure to see you happy in and & take care of it

tenredthings · 31/08/2021 07:30

You could say your grandfather left you money in his will.
I think this is more about you coming to terms with being helped out. The money is associated with your grandfather's terrible experiences. It seems you are transferring your feelings of guilt and confusion about how it all game about onto this situation with your friend.

scarpa · 31/08/2021 07:34

I don't know anyone who has bought a house without help from their parents - genuinely, not a single person I know well enough to talk to about this stuff (maybe 15-20 people in my wider friendship group) bought without any (grand)parental help at all! So you're hardly doing something unusual or shady.

Your friend is being weird. She has benefited from her parents' wealth and now she's in a less fortunate position (presumably not her parents' fault) she's lashing out because she's trying to convince herself she'd rather be 'self made' than have had help from her parents. But she did - expensive schooling, a master's, a 2 year internship... these things tip life's balance in her favour whether she wants to acknowledge it or not.

MysteriousMonkey · 31/08/2021 07:39

We had a lot of help from my parents and I'm fine with that. We also fully intend to help our children as much as we can. If she says it again just say you don't agree. End of discussion.

scarpa · 31/08/2021 07:39

In fact for free you can sign up to an email alert with the land registry to show any legal movements on up to 10 properties. I've done this and have my house, my mothers house and my partners house on it.

@Congressdingo - surely you'd know if there were legal movements on your own house? And presumably your mum and partner would mention if theirs were being sold...?

Rosscameasdoody · 31/08/2021 07:42

Absolutely nothing wrong with accepting help. Your parents will probably have peace of mind knowing that you’re settled and own most of your own home. It’s almost impossible to get on the housing ladder without help these days, so don’t stress about it.

As for your friend, I don’t see the need to say anything at all. I don’t see why you wouldn’t tell her you’re buying your own home, but the finances involved are nobody’s business but yours and your parents. OP, you sound a little intimidated by your friend - is she intrusive ? I have friends who have been with me since childhood - we’re very close, but none of us knows the details of anyone’s finances beyond the usual day to day moans about making ends meet, and no-one would dream of asking the details of how we financed our respective homes. If that’s what’s happening with your friend, then I think you need to nip it in the bud.

Equalpayquery · 31/08/2021 07:43

If it comes up I would skip the details. It would be reasonable for your granddad to leave money directly to you (happened to me) so I would say that if you have to say anything at all.

You are not responsible for your friend’s situation, and it sounds like she’s sore that other people are being given help when she’s not. She thinks you are in the same boat as her, so she’s moaning. You should probably be honest that you own your house though - keeping it secret forever is going to ruin the friendship (might already have tbh).

And you need to work on your own feelings. I get it - I come from a very deprived area and grew up really poor. DH and I have worked hard and have good salaries, but even so there was a windfall that meant we could make a big jump on the property ladder a few years ago. I was just really honest with my friends about it because the speculation is unhelpful.

We had our windfalls early, my friends will all end up far more wealthy as their parents have large assets. But right now we are doing ‘better’ and it shows. Them understanding what happened is helpful IMO.

And enjoy your house, be grateful, but also proud that your hard work got you there and the help you were given hasn’t been frittered away (knew someone at uni with a healthy trust fund he wasted on pizza, beer, and weed).

Rosscameasdoody · 31/08/2021 07:47

I don't know whether her family has offered her money at any point but I do know she did an expensive masters and lived off an internship in an expensive city for 2 years which seemed a stretch. I didn't judge her though, I assumed at the time she'd had financial help.

Slight derailing, sorry, but I thought internships were unpaid ?

5329871e · 31/08/2021 07:48

Just tell her truthfully that you got an inheritance from your grandpa, who sadly passed away. Don’t say anything further. If she makes a nasty comment, say that you’d much rather still have him with you - that should shut her up.

Inherited money always comes with sadness, because you lose someone as a result. It’s not your “fault” for getting it, but it’s your responsibility to use it well and not waste it.

I got an inheritance from my mum who died young. I put it in stocks and shares and it grew a small amount over a couple of years. I then used it towards my house deposit. I think she would have liked that.

GreenTortoise · 31/08/2021 07:51

I honestly don't see how it has anything to do with her.

Sounds like she might be a bit stung that shes from a wealthy background but mummy and daddy aren't helping her get on the property ladder. There is probably more than meets the eye on this one.

LimeRedBanana · 31/08/2021 07:56

So because she has X opinion on something, you’re also supposed to have that exact same opinion? Why…..?

And why are you so scared of her?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread