Don't know how to tell friend I got some financial help to buy first home?

[Lizzie523]

I'm in my late 20s & come from a working class background so I had a fairly modest upbringing. When my grandad died, he left a lot of money behind to the shock of us all - and that money mainly came from the payout he received from a historic child abuse case which affected him so badly that he was unable to have a proper relationship with me or anyone else. Following this my parents decided they wanted to help me buy my first flat with this money.

I resisted at first because I felt a lot of emotions surrounding the money and because I've never taken money from them since I left home but they reframed it as giving me part of my inheritance now to get set up rather than struggle for years. In the end I accepted their generosity & although I used my savings too, I bought the bulk of the flat with the gifted money.

My friend comes from a wealthy family & she went to private school. She now lives in quite a poor place & lives between paychecks. She has said a number of times that she thinks it isn't right for people to accept money from their parents as 'what's the point if you haven't worked for it yourself'. But also recognises she and her partner won't be able to afford a place for many years.

I feel so, so awkward about this situation. Partly because I believe she is right and I feel some guilt over the gifted money. But also because this is my life & I want to be honest. How should I approach it? We're going on a trip soon so it would be a good time...

@Rosscameasdoody

I don't know whether her family has offered her money at any point but I do know she did an expensive masters and lived off an internship in an expensive city for 2 years which seemed a stretch. I didn't judge her though, I assumed at the time she'd had financial help.

Slight derailing, sorry, but I thought internships were unpaid ?

Not always, you can get paid ones. They're usually not amazing money, though

Throughout the thread there’s an assumption that eventually there will be an inheritance from parents, but being realistic, in later life there’s a good chance that their assets will need to be used to pay for care, so there may be little or nothing left to inherit. This may be part of the reason your parents wanted you to benefit from your grandfather’s money - hence the ‘have it now rather than later’ approach. Just a thought.

It is your money. You don't have to discuss your finances with anyone. If she asks, decide how you want to answer. 'Savings'. 'Savings and inheritance'. If she is rude enough to imply you shouldn't have accepted family help - which this isn't really, its early inheritance - but families tend to like to help each other and I think that's a good thing - then say 'you are welcome to have your own opinions but as we are friends I know you will accept that I will make my own choices'. If she pushes it 'Let's not talk money or politics then' or 'I am respectfully not going to point out the hypocrisy of your position on this, please accept that my finances are none of your business'.

I'm guessing she already knows you had financial help from one of your other friends. And she's having a dig. But probably doesn't know the full story

In an ideal world no one would need deposit money from their parents because housing costs would be reasonable.

Unfortunately we don’t live in that world, we live in one where hard work does not equal being able to afford a house.

Honestly just say you've bought a home. Normalise it.

Don't say where the money came from. That's not her business

Oh, so she didn't accept any money for her private education then? She won't be using any of her contacts or connections to help elevate her position? And she definitely wouldn't accept any money offered to her at any point? Absolute bollocks! What she actually thinks is that it's unfair for anyone else to receive help when she hasn't (apart from all the help that she's already received). If you do say anything, not that you need to, then tell her that your parents were going to send you to private school but decided to save the money up to help you with a flat instead as they thought that may be more practical. Then see what she says.

You’re friend is the one with the weird attitude. My parents have hardly helped me financially at all, but they couldn’t afford to and they would have done so if they could.

I wonder if she already suspects you’ve had help and she’s jealous and that’s why she’s airing her bizarre view in the front of you.

Just tell her you’ve bought a house. If she asks how. Tell the truth that you’ve had an inheritance that’s helped. That’s all a friend needs to know. I’d be happy for you that you can get on the ladder. You don’t have to make excuses or lie. You didn’t know or rely on this money it was gifted to you. Plenty of people have help buying houses.

If she doesn’t like it and has a go then you know she isn’t a real friend. She can have her own opinions on how to live her life but she can’t control yours. Very easy to be high and mighty over money when in the background she knows she is likely to inherit a good sum in the future.

As u get older, people don't talk as much about money/finances even to close friends and don't discuss what they can/cannot afford.

My sil always whinged for sympathy that she had no money, in the meantime her and her husband bought a holiday home on the expensive stretch of coast.

So u could admit u had some help from inheritance but u can add u also have a mortgage that u will be paying for many years and leave it at that.

Don't offer too much information about your personal finances to anyone, no need and no point.

Tell her that you have managed to buy your house because your grandfather left you some money.
That's normal.
She doesn't have to know the details.

Just say you inherited money if it comes up, no need to tell her it was passed on from your parents if they will never meet. But if there is a chance your friend will see your parents maybe best not lie

It's nother business and not sure why you feel the need to tell her. She can know you have bought a house. She doesn't need to know you own it outright. She'll just assume be you have a mortgage. If she presses change the subject. If she persists say talking about money makes you feel uncomfortable.

Is she bitter her wealthy parents aren't helping her out? She shouldn't begrudge others who accept help. It's your life, you do as you want. Many who are able want to help out or leave things for their children, so accepting inheritance is not something to feel bad about. It was your grandparent's wish to leave something to help you out in life.

Just don't tell her or your friends where your money comes from. I don't understand this need of people to overshare. The info often causes jealousy and ppl start sticking their nose in! It's your money, your business not theirs and you should keep it that way.

She already knows, and that is why she is bringing it up. It’s such a strange thing to say, it is not a mainstream point of view, I’ve never heard anyone express it before. Buying a home is not a reward for a hard work, it is to provide yourself somewhere secure to live. Lots of people work hard with no possibility of being able to buy their own home. She is talking rubbish- it’s not that it’s a different political viewpoint, it’s a comment designed to make you respond. She suspects, at the very least, and is jealous.

I’ve only read your first post and not any of your updates so sorry if this isn’t relevant. I don’t see how your friend is right? Ok that’s her opinion and she’s entitled to it but what’s wrong with money being given to you by parents or family to help you stand on your feet? People all over receive help and that doesn’t make them any less deserving of buying a house.

Also, you shouldn’t have to worry about how your friend feels and how to “break” the news, a friendship should not require these types of terms and conditions. You can have differentiating views and opinions yet still be friends.

@EccentricaGalumbits

The fact you're at all worried, let alone feeling sick, at the thought of talking to her makes me wonder what kind of friendship this really is.

Are you a bit afraid of her? Do you think her friendship is conditional on you being/acting in a way she approves of? Is she jealous in other ways?

As a pp said any good friend would be delighted and want to celebrate with you. I think you need to tell her, and her reaction will tell you everything you need to know about this friendship and whether it has a future.

No, I have to say the friendship has always been great apart from this! Not afraid at all.

But she IS judgemental sometimes and I should bear that in mind. She judges people for living in their home city their whole lives sometimes (which many of her friends have done) as she thinks it shows a narrow minded outlook - when in fact it is none of her business why they do and also not everyone can afford to travel the world.

@HairyMaryMyCanary

If I had money, I'd give some of it to my child. That's normal.

Your friend is bitter and envious and dealing with her pain the best way she can. She has her feelings at heart, not yours. Don't volunteer information, and if she presses and you want to tell her, be unapologetic.

The thing is I'm happy to not share information with her. But if she brings up this viewpoint AGAIN, I feel like I'll need to say something no?

@saleorbouy

It sounds a bit of sour grapes on her and nore like she us a little bitter that her wealthy parents have not given her a leg up. I'm sure she's not going to give her inheritance to the local dogs home if she gets it! The gift from your Grandad came from some very unfortunate circumstances which will have affected all of your family in some way especially you grandad. Enjoy the gift and the fact you have been given this leg up in life, she sounds to me to be a bit bitter and resentful and is just trying to work out your situation. I wouldn't bother telling her, it's a private matter which your Grandad told no one about and out of respect for him i'd follow his lead.

Exactly, this is how I feel. And I do feel sad that I never had a proper relationship with him but he did try to make some amends in the last years of his life with me.

In a way, I feel like telling her to explain - but I also shouldn't have to. The issue is her being judgemental and like PPs have said, her opinions are clearly tied to her own complicated feelings about money and family.

If it does come up or when you tell her you've bought somewhere and she asks how, just say you used your grandfather's inheritance, you don't need to go into details about how it was actually given to your parents and they gave it to you. I personally wouldn't bring it up unless directly asked or unless the specific conversation came up

I think if she has spoken to you more than once about her opinion on this, you need to be upfront you purchased your home through inheritance. She is going to be more annoyed when she finds out you own your home and that you kept this from her.
You need to stand your ground and be confident about your decisions and opinion. You bough your house with an early inheritance becuase your parents chose to do that. The money was available due to appalling circumstances that someone in your family had to endure and therefore it is right some good comes of it.
You can say that you just disagree with her that people have to make their own way in life, and that being friends means you can disagree with each other on things and have an open debate on the matter. You can say you see where she is coming from, but ask her stuff like if she was a parent would she do the same to her own children in not helping them if there was inheritance available. She may still disagree but that is fine.
I think deliberately hiding and manipulating the truth from her will be a faster track to end the friendship. Be open. Be truthful. Stand your ground.

@Lizzie523

It's not her business - just be happy and enjoy your first home 🏡

OP my DH and I were able to buy our house because of the exact same circumstances. My grandmother died, my parents decided to pass a lot of my father's inheritance on to me and my siblings.
I don't feel any embarrassment about it and I'm significantly older than you. If anyone pushes it I take it as an opportunity to honour my grandmother and talk positively about her. It sounds like your poor grandfather had a life with far too much shame inflicted on him. Time to end that legacy now, be proud of him, your parents and yourself. There's nothing to feel awkward about here.

There's the possibility she thinks you can't afford to buy, and she's feeling guilty about her privileged start in life so she's overcompensating.