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Original poster

Don't know how to tell friend I got some financial help to buy first home?

130 replies

Lizzie523 · 30/08/2021 22:55

I'm in my late 20s & come from a working class background so I had a fairly modest upbringing. When my grandad died, he left a lot of money behind to the shock of us all - and that money mainly came from the payout he received from a historic child abuse case which affected him so badly that he was unable to have a proper relationship with me or anyone else. Following this my parents decided they wanted to help me buy my first flat with this money.

I resisted at first because I felt a lot of emotions surrounding the money and because I've never taken money from them since I left home but they reframed it as giving me part of my inheritance now to get set up rather than struggle for years. In the end I accepted their generosity & although I used my savings too, I bought the bulk of the flat with the gifted money.

My friend comes from a wealthy family & she went to private school. She now lives in quite a poor place & lives between paychecks. She has said a number of times that she thinks it isn't right for people to accept money from their parents as 'what's the point if you haven't worked for it yourself'. But also recognises she and her partner won't be able to afford a place for many years.

I feel so, so awkward about this situation. Partly because I believe she is right and I feel some guilt over the gifted money. But also because this is my life & I want to be honest. How should I approach it? We're going on a trip soon so it would be a good time...

OP posts:
Quitelikeacatslife · 31/08/2021 00:50

Don't bring it up, but if she asks outright (rude) then say , yes I've bought my flat, I feel very lucky to be starting out this way. My grandad left me some money that came to him in a sad way. Say I think my family all want something good to come out of this awful situation, it is what he would have wanted.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, well done for investing in your future, enjoy the security it should bring.

junebirthdaygirl · 31/08/2021 02:53

There are two things involved here. First do you tell your friend you got help? It's none of her business but if you do tell her just say its an inheritance from your granddad..full stop. She quite categorically does not need to know the full story.
Second is how you feel about having got help. Your poor gd suffered a terrible childhood and the fall out of that will have come down the generations..no fault of his. To make up for that the money in some small way changes the course of that history so accept it as that. The poor man could have drank that money to drown the sorrows of his childhood but somehow was brave enough to keep it and pass it on. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Kick your heels in the air and enjoy what is rightfully yours. And in my opinion..l feel strongly about this..do not tell your friend how your family came by the money. That is your poor granddads private story and does not need to be spread about . Instead just think of him as you enjoy your new home.

ittakes2 · 31/08/2021 03:37

I suspect what is really going on is she is trying to convince herself of this! If she has wealthy parents she's probably disappointed they are not helping her out. Its her chip on her shoulder and nothing to do with you so enjoy your house your grandad and parents gifted to you.

Wallywobbles · 31/08/2021 04:17

Her private education will almost definitely have cost above what you parents gifted you.

If you frame it as my parents wanted something good to come from the abuse my grandfather suffered she would look pretty poor to judge you. Even by her own dodgy, chippy, judgy standards.

If she inherits how does she plan to spend it? Presumably not by giving it to charity. A case of nonsense privilege. Ridiculous woman.

HungryHippo11 · 31/08/2021 04:34

it isn't right for people to accept money from their parents as 'what's the point if you haven't worked for it yourself'

This is a weird attitude and borne out of jealously. I bet you anything that if she suddenly had an unexpexted inheritance, her opinion would change in a heartbeat.

EccentricaGalumbits · 31/08/2021 04:45

The fact you're at all worried, let alone feeling sick, at the thought of talking to her makes me wonder what kind of friendship this really is.

Are you a bit afraid of her? Do you think her friendship is conditional on you being/acting in a way she approves of? Is she jealous in other ways?

As a pp said any good friend would be delighted and want to celebrate with you. I think you need to tell her, and her reaction will tell you everything you need to know about this friendship and whether it has a future.

HeronLanyon · 31/08/2021 04:50

This seems more about your own misplaced guilt. Your parents have been really sensible. It’s not an unusual thing and a very logical thing you’ve all done.
Why on earth is a friendship swirled around with such feelings of guilt/jealousy/judgment etc.
So what if she is judgmental.
Sounds as though you both just need to do some experiential growing up - ie understanding the realities of life (families looking after each other/putting money to good sensible use where there is any etc) rather than big pontifications about principles divorced from the real world.
It’s great to earn your own money - also great for money to be used responsibly which is what you’ve done !
Tell her or not - your decision. If she is bitter or judgmental rethink your friendship or give her time to grow up a bit?

CheekyHobson · 31/08/2021 04:59

She has said a number of times that she thinks it isn't right for people to accept money from their parents as 'what's the point if you haven't worked for it yourself'.

Well, the answer to her rhetorical question is that someone who loves you wanted to give you security in life, which you can then pay forward to your own children if you have them. Someone having the basic security of an owned property is to my view a net good in society. It reduces financial stress, provides stability for families, frees up income to be directed towards charity, etc etc.

I truly can't understand why anyone would be chippy about it. I can see wy she might feel a bit funny about you inheriting a six-bedroom mansion with gold-plated taps but that's hardly what's going on here, is it.

Longdistance · 31/08/2021 05:10

She’s having sly digs at you. Not nice of her. Quite frankly it’s none of her business.

SLT90 · 31/08/2021 05:13

I bought my first home using a deposit that was entirely inheritance from my grandmother and have never felt the need to tell friends, I think just one or two know. It's not that I've avoided telling anyone, but just no one has asked! Most of my friends are home owners and I've never asked them how they funded their deposits but I'm sure some or all of them have had help in some way. If it wasn't direct financial support from family then I assume they had cheap or free rent from parents until they saved enough to buy, so still support. It's her problem if she needs to know!!! Enjoy your home and be proud of it.

twelvefiftynine · 31/08/2021 05:16

What? Don't tell her anything. It's none of her business. You saved and got a mortgage like most people. It wouldn't cross my mind to ask anyone how they bought their house.

Hereweka · 31/08/2021 05:27

It's none of her business BUT if she does play all high and mighty simply say that her parents decided to give her a leg up with a private education and your parents decided that the leg up was to come in the form of help for a house.
Your help is probably far less than her parents spent on her education.

Perching · 31/08/2021 05:27

So sorry for what your grandad went through and how that rippled through your family x

She doesn’t come across very well, be wary OP, is she really such a good friend?

It is absolutely none of her business and beware who you discuss your financial situation with in general. I find the less people know the better.

She sound like quite the hypocrite, esp considering the fact that she had private schooling and obv a lot spent on further education too. No doubt the first opened a lot of doors to the second. She is protesting from a complete position of privilege. Fpr context, by the time our children would finish their school education (UK), would have spent about £200k on them each (minimum) so she really is quite ridiculous.

As an aside, you come across as lovely and kind. Please please please look out for YOURSELF, and protect your asset when it comes to any future relationship. The very best thing a young woman have in their back pocket is good legal advice. Best wishes x

Wiredforsound · 31/08/2021 05:35

Honestly, I wouldn’t say anything unless she asks and if she does just tell her that your grandfather died a d you received some inheritance.

hellcatspangle · 31/08/2021 05:43

I really don't think it's any of her business how you paid for your flat, and I don't know why it would have to be discussed.

Besides, people get inheritances all the time. Are you saying that if a relative of hers died leaving her some money, she would turn it down rather than use it towards a nice place to live?

Plumedenom · 31/08/2021 05:49

"What's the point if you haven't earned it yourself?".
We'll, I'd say the point is your have more financial freedom to take riskier career decisions that will enhance your earnings in the long-term, as just one example! Plus not paying money into the void forever. You did right, but you don't need me or anyone else to tell you that. When people give you a no-strings hand in life, you say thank you!

minatrina · 31/08/2021 05:49

"She has said a number of times that she thinks it isn't right for people to accept money from their parents as 'what's the point if you haven't worked for it yourself'"

This is a really easy thing for someone who can rest easy at night knowing she has mummy and daddy's money to fall back on if anything in her life of "independence" goes tits up. She's never going to know what it's like to lie awake stressing about how she's going to pay her bills. Not even mentioning the fact that she's hardly going to be turning down her inheritance, is she?

If I had to guess, I'd say your friend is insecure about people knowing she's so privileged and is over-compensating. I've known a few people like this from very wealthy families, it's embarrassing and very transparent. I far prefer people who are secure enough in themselves to just own their circumstances and privilege.

OP, you absolutely shouldn't feel bad about accepting help, it was inheritance!! Besides, even if it was just a gift from your parents, why would you feel bad about that? I feel like you've let your friend's insecurity affect you. I'm also from a working class background, and I was incredibly surprised when my single mother turned around with a small amount to help towards my house deposit. She'd been saving it for years with that express intention. Should I have turned her down?! What purpose would that have served exactly?

Just tell her you bought a home. If she's any friend to you at all, she'll just be very happy for you. If she asks how you afforded it then it's clear that she's a cheeky, bitter cow, and I'd tell her to do one, personally.

HollyGrail · 31/08/2021 06:24

Partly because I believe she is right and I feel some guilt over the gifted money.

This is ridiculous imv. We have given lots of money to our DCs and will be giving much more soon when we sort our money out now that we're older. We will keep enough for care home, give money to charity but if they refused it I would be quite hurt I think.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/08/2021 06:30

It sounds as if she’s rebelling against her childhood or perhaps has mental health issues. These are her issues not yours. I bet if her parents offered her money she’d take it in a heartbeat if she really needed it.

Sounds like a Jeremy Corbynesque leftie type, who benefitted from a privileged childhood and private education then wants to pull up the drawbridge. She totally lacks insight as to what it is really like to be destitute as she has family as a safety net… that is unless she’s truly burned that bridge.

YesIDoLoveCrisps · 31/08/2021 06:34

It’s none of her bloody business!
She’s rude to ask or hint about where the money came from.
Coming from a rich family gives you many, many privileges (even if you don’t get left any inheritance) You don’t come from a rich family - so taking the money gives you real chance to make your life better. You have done the right thing.
The reason that your grandad had the money is a sad one but at some point someone has to spend it so don’t feel bad about it or about accepting help, your parents chose to give it to you.
Ignore your friend and if she asks again but polite but firm, ‘no I don't want to talk about it, let’s go for breakfast’

Marni83 · 31/08/2021 06:36

* She has said a number of times that she thinks it isn't right for people to accept money from their parents as 'what's the point if you haven't worked for it yourself'*

What a childish and ridiculous view

Marni83 · 31/08/2021 06:37

Op you are an adult woman
And articulate adult woman
A home owner

For goodness sakes, why are you wasting your time concerned about this

Billandben444 · 31/08/2021 06:37

It sounds as though you want this to be out in the open and not keep it a secret from her (I agree) and I'd be quite casual and not make it a 'grand reveal'. Wait until she comments that you've done work that wouldn't be possible on a rented home and say that it's not rented and that you've got your foot on the housing ladder. If she's rude enough to ask how you can afford to do that, tell her that your grandfather left you a small inheritance and it was stipulated that it should be used for this purpose. Then sit back and observe the frothing at the mouth. When she's finished, tie up the conversation by saying that it was important to you to honour his wishes and would she like a cup of tea? Don't discuss it any further and, if she brings it up again, say you don't want to discuss it as you feel it's disrespectful to his memory. You'll then find out how good a friend she is.

SeasonFinale · 31/08/2021 06:39

I wonder whether she has asked her parents for help with a deposit and they have said no- we paid for your education.

Her view very much sounds like a parent has said that she needs to earn it for herself and that we paid for your education so you can do that. It may also explain why she resents her private education.

There is simply no reason to explain where the deposit cane from. As you have a mortgage I assume you work so the assumption would be you saved for a deposit.

There is simply no need to tell anyone your private financial arrangement.

HairyMaryMyCanary · 31/08/2021 06:46

If I had money, I'd give some of it to my child. That's normal.

Your friend is bitter and envious and dealing with her pain the best way she can. She has her feelings at heart, not yours. Don't volunteer information, and if she presses and you want to tell her, be unapologetic.