Burn out - is anyone else's battery completely flat?

[BreathingDeep]

I know everyone has been through different degrees of hell during the past 18 months, but I think I'm starting to struggle. I feel exhausted, stressed and completely overwhelmed by life.

I have a full-on full-time job and there's little to no escape from it, plus I have a team to support. I've had three weeks off in total over the past 2 years and I know my adrenaline has pretty much burnt out. I know I need to take time off, but the buck stops with me and there's no-one to pick up work I don't do, so I have to keep trucking.

I have children who need me, especially right now as one is dealing with some mental health issues caused by Covid and lockdown. They're wonderful, but I'm so touched out and so over being needed so much that my beautiful kids are starting to feel like hard work.

I'm also fat. I loathe myself and the way I look and feel. Every day I'm determined to make changes, but every day I feel defeated before I begin. Small changes fall by the wayside and I seem paralysed to break free of crappy habits.

I find it impossible to put my needs first. I just can't do it. Everyone and everything comes first - my clients, my team, my children, my husband, even my pets. It's madness and yet, the pattern continues.

Things just don't bring me joy anymore - instead of something to look forward to, they feel like an extra pressure, which I know is madness. I adore books and magazines and yet I just look at them mounting up and feel like I'm even failing at the things I love. I love walking my dog listening to a book or a podcast but I just can't summon up the energy to do a thing.

I need to pull myself together I know that. Anyone got any tried and tested kicks up the bum?

OP I could have written this!

You don’t need a kick up the bum, you need rest. You also need to be able to know WHM rest is coming and to be able to trust yourself that you will give yourself enough rest. The burn out is coming not just from the lack of rest but from your increasing lack of trust in yourself.

Book time off. I don’t mean your next time off I mean look at the next twelve months and plan it out.

It doesn’t have to be a lot of long holidays, but it does need to be regular.

So every month you have a long weekend. You take a Friday or a Monday off. Monday is easier to manage than Friday usually in terms of workload. If you’re off Monday you can catch up by Friday. It can be difficult to leave a day early though especially if something comes up. If there are any public holidays use those.

Once a quarter you have a week off. In the calendar month you have a week off you don’t need to have a day off.

Once a year you have a a fortnight off. You don’t need to have a day off in those calendar months or a week off in those quarters. Best way to do this is to take a fortnight off that straddles two months and two quarters. So for example a fortnight off last week of June and first week of July.

I his means you have a fortnight off, two weeks off and eight long weekends. You can also do it as two fortnights off and eight long weekends. Space it as evenly as you can.

So you could have something like this:

Jan- long weekend after New Year
Feb- long weekend close to Valentines Day
March- week off
April- long weekend around Easter
May-long weekend around Bank Holiday
June- last week off
July-first week off
August- long weekend round Bank Holiday
September- long weekend
October-week off
November- long weekend
December- week off round Xmas

Another way to do it it a fortnight off in summer and a fortnight off at Xmas with long weekends every other month.

I did a two year stint in a team of four people where the other three were all continuously on maternity leave for the pretty much the whole three years due to consecutive pregnancies, accrued holidays and sick leave. Doing this pattern was what got me through that.

OP me too and I dont have half the pressures you do! I feel frozen in lethargy . I can feel myself getting unfitter by the day, I too have lots of hobbies I like but even if my book is next to me , I dont pick it up. I just go on my phone mindlessly

This is me. I feel so exhausted all the time and I've got nothing to give my family.

I work as an A+E sister. We are under so much pressure. So many staff are leaving or off sick with stress.
I'm sick of having to go in when I should be at home with my family. My Matron makes us feel guilty for having a day off. I'm permanently shattered.

@KintsugiCat thank you very much for this breakdown. I am going to start planning my leave properly

What kind of job do you do? I think you need to stop caring so much about it, and just take the time off. If they can't survive without you, that is the company's fault for having a poor structure. If you quit or were sick they'd find a way to manage.

I wonder if it's worth talking to a therapist about this:
I find it impossible to put my needs first. I just can't do it. Everyone and everything comes first - my clients, my team, my children, my husband, even my pets. It's madness and yet, the pattern continues.
It sounds like maybe there are deeper roots to this behaviour, as the pattern keeps repeating.

Children, pets, clients, employers will keep taking from you until you put in place some boundaries. You can't expect them to stop asking for things, it just won't happen, so you need to start saying no.

I feel exactly the same. Trapped in this cycle of putting everyone else first, and I am running on empty. I feel the stress of the last 18 months is really catching up with me too. So good advice so far on this thread so I will be following.

Yes I feel the same! Nothing seems to help. DH had a couple of weeks off so we thought we would use it to sort some stuff in the house:

Oven needed cleaning. Managed to break one of the bits that holds the racks up.

Curtains and pole need putting up. DH put it up, it's fallen out the wall.

Car needed cleaning to sell. DH used it for a tip run first and a bottle of creosote leaked on to it.

We are all ill..baby is a poor sleeper. I have no motivation or energy in the evenings.

I hear you. I really do.

You need to take charge, leave the stuff that doesn’t matter!
I’m alone with puss,59 early retirement have health issues, first tablets that made my shake quite a bit, new meds, physio needed( I have post menopausal depression, hormonal).
Then new meds, ok now sorted, work issues, and now binocular vision seemingly from nowhere ( had brain scan).
Mild bi polar too.
Very tired and crap, tho it is up to me to control my weight and life.
Await now hospital app for eyes.
You can change some etuff

I feel for you OP and I can relate. I got ill with long covid and saw a naturopath and she framed it in terms of burn out. It was really helpful to talk to her (zoom) as she made suggestions about diet and supplements to increase my immunity and energy but also ways to carve out joy and pleasure in my life. There are also books on adrenal fatigue that I can recommend if you are interested.
You've taken the first step and recognised things need to change. This is really positive - things are going to get better !

It is a good idea to take charge and get yourself in a routine and I know how and why I should do it, but like OP says, the day comes to do it and I'm just too tired and uninterested to do it

@crochetmonkey74

OP me too and I dont have half the pressures you do! I feel frozen in lethargy . I can feel myself getting unfitter by the day, I too have lots of hobbies I like but even if my book is next to me , I dont pick it up. I just go on my phone mindlessly

Same. Just forced myself off the couch, thinking I'd make myself do stuff around the house for 30 mins but ended up just cleaning the sink, lying on my bed then coming back to the couch.

Feel for those that are very busy on the thread - I'm not busy, not many responsibilities, and still feel totally flat and burnt out.

I am burnt out, had enough with the minutiae of life. Stupid stuff. I just told the family dh and dds20 and 19 I'm not cooking tonight... response was "what is there?"... mine "I don't really care", so we'll see.. it'll be takeaway I imagine.

Got work tomorrow, in a pharmacy after a Bank Holiday... such fun... every second customer will say "I put my repeat in on Friday" and I will respond "it takes 3 working days, there have not been any since Friday"... every time... every single time...

Same here. Just came back from a week in Spain but the emails didn’t stop and I found myself hugely anxious all week.

For me, I need a new job. This one is too much with family and I’ll never satisfy either properly. It isn’t helped that I’ve been with the organisation through a period of growth and I don’t have the resources I need and too much responsibility, but I also don’t have the time or energy to rectify the problem.

I think so many people are feeling the same - I foresee a lot of movement in the job market as people get to the end of a tricky time and realise it’s time to move on.

Same here. I am actually on holiday at the moment and feel too knackered to actually do anything! I can’t seem to summon up the energy or motivation to do anything. I have put on quite a lot of weight over lockdown, which is depressing me but I can’t seem to actually do anything about it. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this too OP and the others on this thread.

I could have written this too. It’s a fucking uphill struggle just keeping going with the normal stuff. I am spent, completely drained of ability to climb out of this hole. My wellbeing is so intrinsically entwined with my children’s that I can only be happy when they are (all three of the have mental health problem which I feel shit about). I worry that they will realise this and feel even more pressure. I want a break from thinking and worrying, I need to get on top and be strong, but I need to be hugged and looked after while I just lie down and just breathe.

reloxa every day I think right, get a new routine sorted, wake up, short walk, shower etc 30 mins reading, do a project. I feel entirely deflated and never do any of it. Thing is, I know it's not depression so I dont know how to get over it

I feel flat too.
Thanks for posting this, glad I’m not alone.

Three weeks off in two years is ridiculous. You're doing yourself and everyone around you no favours by being a martyr.

If you were in a car accident tomorrow your team/employer would cope without you, so book a week's holiday ASAP and schedule regular breaks from now on.

Another technique which got me through is changing how I prioritised tasks.

Basically, if you are feeling burnt out and you need to make changes, start thinking longer term.

It’s a bit like driving- keep your eye on the road further ahead rather than just right in front of the car.

The technique is this.

1. Get a piece of paper
2. Divide it into four quadrants and mark it up as shown in the attached
3. Divide your tasks into those quadrants

Most people focus on important and urgent tasks. That is a recipe for burn out.

You need to spend 70% of your time doing important and not urgent tasks. And max 20% of your time doing urgent tasks.

Basically you end up not doing any tasks that aren’t important unless:

1. You enjoy them
2. They make your life easier in the long run
3. You’re doing a favour or building up goodwill for someone who will reciprocate when you need help.

And basically that means over time you are reclassifying them as important.

If it’s urgent you “Do it, ditch it, or delegate it” as soon as it heads your way, Ditching it means either saying no or just not doing it.

If you can’t get your job into much better shape by doing this for 1-3 months then you need to look for another job.

Same here, OP. DH and I run our own business which is very hard to switch off from - lockdown was the first proper time off we've had in years. We've got 2 active dogs, DD3 and her BF live with us, we've got 2 other DDs close by and 5 grandchildren. My elderly Dad is becoming a lot of work and doesn't seem to think I've got anything better to do.... the house is a mess, the garden like a jungle and DH is on meds for a heart issue that's turned him into a pensioner overnight. I'm 51, and honestly could just sit and cry that this is my life. I want 1 day where no is trying to grab my time and need to make it.

Thank you all for the support and the knowing nods and empathetic shoulder squeezes. It is all just too hard, isn't it?

Work wise, I know this is a major part of how I feel, but it's our business (sorry, realise I should have said) and we lost a big percentage of our work during 2020 due to Covid, and are working like demons to replace it. We've been able to hang onto our team, which is brilliant news, but we're all working flat out and as I said, the buck stops with me. I can't ask anyone else to take any more on, but I have to, in order to get finances back on track. It's shit, yes, but it has to be done. For now at least.

KintsugiCat thank you so much for your post, and for the time you put into it. I love that idea of the long weekends and I think you're right. That's so much more doable than bigger chunks of time. You've inspired me to look at the calendar and book in some long weekends now, thank you!

Crochetmonkey God yes, the mindless scrolling... I mean, what are we looking for? I know I'm always looking for answers to how I can feel better, but scrolling sure as hell doesn't deliver. We need to stop and look after ourselves more.

dalmationmad honestly, I applaud you and your colleagues - what you've had to endure for the past 18 months is too much. I feel bad complaining about the hours I work at home when I've been safe and not facing a fraction of what you've had to deal with. Thank you, and I'm so sorry that you're made to feel like you can't take a day off. That's insane.

MMMarmite you're so right. I started therapy last year and uncovered a huge can of worms about my lack of self worth and how I value myself so poorly. I know it, I just don't know how to change it. I do need to investigate but it's one of those things that gets put off (especially while I focus on one of my DDs and her mental health issues).

Duey my heart broke a little for you because I know all of those things would have made me cry. I hope you're OK?

NSK yep, you're right. There is so much within my control that I can change. This is where I get so frustrated because I try, but then give up because my brain and body feel depleted. There's just nothing - no fire, no passion, no oomph. You're right though, I can change it.

Afon. oh my love I hear you. One of my girls is really struggling right now and I too feel completely overwhelmed by her struggles. Like you, I'd just love to sit, quietly, with a book and some hot tea and escape it all just for a while. To plug myself into the mains and then come back when I've got some of me back in order to cope with the demands of life.

Sarahlou yep, I agree completely. I do martyr myself, but it seems this is all tied up in my shitty self worth and I struggle not to do it. But I know I need to stop. As for work, needs must for the mo but I'm trying...

KintsugiCat thank you again - I'm impressed that you used the word quadrant on a bank holiday Monday. Yes, I'm guilty of just doing the work, rather than prioritising it and it's something I'm working on.

You are all so lovely, and I'm so sorry we're all feeling like shite, but there is also some comfort in knowing I'm not alone. My plan now is look at booking in a few things to make me feel like I have things to look forward to. I'm also going to start a good habit, just one every week, and see if I can stick with it. I'm terrible for drinking water so I'm going to start with that. Tiny steps and all that.

@BreathingDeep Happy to help. Hope you’re breathing easy soon.