DSC mum still having contact with paedophile

[OpheliaOpholia]

I would appreciate some perspective please because I'm so upset this morning but it appears I'm the only one who is.

My DSC have been dragged through hell over the past 18 months with police and social services involvement, they have only recently been downgraded from a child protection plan to a child in need one.

It emerged that their mothers step dad, so their 'grandad' is a convicted paedophile who served time in prison for abusing children he was in a position of trust with.

DSC mum believed it was all false allegations and facilitated a relationship between him and DSC, who are two young boys (like his victims were). She allowed the boys to go and visit her mum and step dad alone and stay over without her. I didn't know about any of this, it all came to light out of the blue one day when OH received a call from SS.

The police obtained information that this man was now talking inappropriately to children on the internet and his home was raided.

During the search they took his devices and uncovered inappropriate photos of DSC naked on one or more of these devices. He was arrested and is still on bail over a year later having been re-bailed.

His wife, DSC maternal grandmother, remains married to him and living with him.

DSC mum had to work with SS to show them that she understood the risk and would never allow DSC to be around him again, after quite some time they were satisfied and downgraded from CP to CIN.

The boys were traumatised by the investigations as they thought they were going to be taken away, the eldest developed awful anxiety and the youngest who is autistic is still having to have therapy in school now to deal with the emotional damage.

We were due to have them over tonight to stay but OH announced we'd probably be having them Saturday instead, when I asked why he said it's because his ex called this morning and said she wants him to see if he can swap his days at work and have them then so she can go and visit her mum and step dad.

I'm gob smacked and gutted that after everything the children have been through she still thinks it's appropriate to have anything to do with this man.

I went off on a bit of a tirade and all OH offered to the conversation was "well atleast she's not taking the kids"

So she says. But what if he can't get the night off work? She clearly sees nothing wrong in continuing to have a relationship and be around this bastard regardless of what he's done.

Am I over stepping the mark? Should I be minding my own business?

I just can't wrap my head round the stupidity and selfishness of DSC mum, and her mum, who care more about keeping a paedophile in their lives than they care about these poor fucking children.

Do you mean she wants to go and see her dm whilst the children are with you? If SS have deemed this to be ok, then there’s nothing you can do. However, it should state in the meeting minutes what (if any) contact is acceptable between the children, mother and grandparents.
Can you check what it states?

I think your oh needs to have a conversation re the social services requirements and remind her that his children are not to go anywhere’s near that man and if he hears a hint of that then he will report her
This is serious

You should report it to the relevant child protection agencies in my view. The children being on contact with their former abuser is appalling

I think the first concern is keeping the children no contact with their step grandad as he is a paedophile who has actually abused them. That’s really the primary thing that matter, as well as reassuring the children that they are safe. Their mum and grandmother need to be fully in agreement with the no contact for the children rule. You should interfere if it looks like they might be sneaking visits or backsliding and saying that supervised contact is ok. That would not be overstepping to confront them on that.

Secondly, the next thing that matters is that your decision for you to go no contact with him is respected and supported.

Thirdly, you can’t control other members of the family having separate contact with him. In addition, separate contact doesn’t mean they care more about him than the children. Having a criminal as a blood relative is very complex to family members who are faced with fact that they love a monster. Especially with something like peadophilia that even the scientific community sees as a type of internal mental disorder or illness (doesn’t excuse them acting on the urges). But family contacts are similar to the conflicted emotions and actions that children of abusive parents have towards those parents. Not all these abused children go no contact with their parents once grown. They establish boundaries and safeguards, ie. some continue low contact, and keep their children no contact. It’s not really your place to dictate that the entire family go no contact or to claim that any contact = caring more for him than for the children.

DSC mum is going to visit her mum and step dad yes, whilst he's still on bail for the indecent photos of DSC and the grooming of other young boys online.

OH froze me out of SS proceedings so I don't know exactly what the agreement states, other than the children are not to have any contact at all. I read one bundle of paperwork then miraculously he 'never received' any more paperwork which I don't believe. I have some knowledge of how CP and CIN plans work so I know parents should receive minutes on paper after each conference.

He was in denial himself to begin with and we had multiple arguments where I had to make him see that theres no way it could be false allegations, only once he received all the paperwork and saw the convictions and heard what the police had to say did he wake up to the reality of the situation.

He isn't remotely concerned about DSC mum continuing to have a relationship with the step dad so long as DSC don't go there, but given how she clearly doesn't care about what he's done I don't think she'll keep him away from them indefinitely.

It's like it's all been brushed under the carpet.

@mamas12

I think your oh needs to have a conversation re the social services requirements and remind her that his children are not to go anywhere’s near that man and if he hears a hint of that then he will report her This is serious

That is exactly what I said to him this morning.

He won't have that conversation though because he never puts his foot down about anything where she's concerned. He blindly trusts her to keep them safe despite evidence to the contrary.

Your fil has groomed his wife and your ex to do his bidding

It’s not really your place to dictate that the entire family go no contact or to claim that any contact = caring more for him than for the children.

I probably needed to hear that yes.

The whole thing cuts close to the bone for me as I have been that child who was let down, back in the day.

It's hard for me to imagine or accept that she would want anything to do with him after knowing what she knows, and knowing her own children have been victims (at least in the sense of exploitation via images)

I don't know if it helps, but contact police and social services with your concerns

@wizzywig

Your fil has groomed his wife and your ex to do his bidding

It's not my FIL, it's my OH's ex partners step dad - so married to her mum.

No relation to me or OH.

SS was of the opinion that DSC mum had been groomed by him herself, not for the purpose of being abused but in the sense of not seeing what he is / what he's doing, and facilitating contact with her kids.

They felt she acknowledged the risks and wised up hence downgrading to CIN then no sooner as they did that, she's going round there again to see him.

It's insane to me.

I'd be making a report to social services. If someone had pictures of my naked child on their devices I wouldn't be going round for tea. 😡🤬 I'd have to be restrained if I seen them in the street. Their mother is also a risk to them and I would in no way trust her to keep them safe. Your oh isn't much better if I'm honest.

Jesus, how awful. I couldn’t stay with someone who had so little care for the safety of his children. Or who lied to me. Do you really want to? I can understand wanting to remain in their lives as no one else seems to put their wellbeing first but the whole would drive me insane.

Why didn’t he increase his contact time or move to fill residency as their mum clearly can’t keep them safe?!

I’d contact their social worker, make the biggest waves you can and think about leaving him. But go out with a bang and make aa much fuss as you can till someone starts listening and acting in their interest.

I couldn’t have a relationship or share a bed with a man who’s basically willing to sacrifice his young vulnerable children in the vague interest of keeping the peace with child abuse apologists.

@romdowa

I'd be making a report to social services. If someone had pictures of my naked child on their devices I wouldn't be going round for tea. 😡🤬 I'd have to be restrained if I seen them in the street. Their mother is also a risk to them and I would in no way trust her to keep them safe. Your oh isn't much better if I'm honest.

I agree completely with everything you've said, hence why I'm so angry and frustrated

I have children with OH, I expect much better than this.

@OpheliaOpholia

It’s not really your place to dictate that the entire family go no contact or to claim that any contact = caring more for him than for the children.

I probably needed to hear that yes.

The whole thing cuts close to the bone for me as I have been that child who was let down, back in the day.

It's hard for me to imagine or accept that she would want anything to do with him after knowing what she knows, and knowing her own children have been victims (at least in the sense of exploitation via images)

I agree with you and would be making same decision as you. And in fact, her continued contact would make me go low contact with her myself and that bit of contact only to ensure the children are safe guarded. I’m just saying it’s her decision, but hey if the consequences of her keeping contact with him are that you can’t stand her anymore then that is fair and reasonable.

Having a criminal as a blood relative is very complex to family members

This particular criminal has no blood ties to anyone else concerned, in this case.

@OpheliaOpholia

SS was of the opinion that DSC mum had been groomed by him herself, not for the purpose of being abused but in the sense of not seeing what he is / what he's doing, and facilitating contact with her kids.

They felt she acknowledged the risks and wised up hence downgrading to CIN then no sooner as they did that, she's going round there again to see him.

It's insane to me.

This is true. Everything I have read and experienced includes the fact that child sex abusers spend as much time grooming children’s parents/guardians as they do on the children they abuse. Abusers are very good at spinning narratives and fooling people. However, most realise they’ve had the wool pulled over their eyes when police and SS are involved and convictions happen. The mum must be either very vulnerable (abuses herself as a child so thinks it’s normal?) or complicit (yes it happens) to still think he is not a danger.

I would speak to social services.

In fact I’d be prepared to end my marriage over this. Someone who is open to the idea that their children’s other parent has a close relationship with a paedophile would, in my opinion, not look out for the needs of our own children should the same situation arise.

And if I found out my ex was continuing to associate with a paedophile who had naked pictures of my children on their devices I would go to court for full residency with the other parent having supervised access only.

I don’t give a fuck whether this is a family member. The woman is in the wrong. The end. And if your DH can’t see that then I would wonder about his own lack of integrity and judgement on that score.

Did you post about this before?

@AnneLovesGilbert

Jesus, how awful. I couldn’t stay with someone who had so little care for the safety of his children. Or who lied to me. Do you really want to? I can understand wanting to remain in their lives as no one else seems to put their wellbeing first but the whole would drive me insane.

Why didn’t he increase his contact time or move to fill residency as their mum clearly can’t keep them safe?!

I’d contact their social worker, make the biggest waves you can and think about leaving him. But go out with a bang and make aa much fuss as you can till someone starts listening and acting in their interest.

I couldn’t have a relationship or share a bed with a man who’s basically willing to sacrifice his young vulnerable children in the vague interest of keeping the peace with child abuse apologists.

We had terrible rows when it all came out, I say rows - they were largely one sided on my part. I spent days and days drilling it into him just how messed up it all was.

His first reaction was to respond as his ex did "I don't think he's done anything, I think it's all false allegations"

If he didn't have me here, making him see sense, he would have been put down as an inadequate parent himself / failing to acknowledge risk.

He's on the autism spectrum, undiagnosed, but it isn't an excuse or reason to be so blase about safeguarding.

We very nearly split up over it but then he came to his senses once he received the relevant paperwork and saw the history for himself.

The issue with filing for primary residency of DSC at the time was due to lack of space but I was prepared to move to accommodate them. He didn't actually want them to be removed from their mum as he felt that they were best placed with her, under the watch of SS.

His ex started to comply with SS and appeared to acknowledge the risks so they were happy for them to stay there, but she hasn't learnt anything has she? I truly believe that if it weren't for the SS making it clear they can't go there, she'd still be taking them, and if I'm honest I have no faith in her sticking to the agreement of not facilitating contact because as soon as SS start to back of a little she's back to going round herself playing happy families.

There has been no thought as to how it'll impact the kids who are going to end up feeling as though it's them who has done something wrong, IE "why can't we see grandma and grandad but mummy can"

Did you post about this before?

Yes, I've spoken about it multiple times on here before when going through the process and navigating the aftermath.

I've found it incredibly frustrating as apart from SS, I'm the only one who has taken a hard line.

Not once has OH had serious words with his ex. If anything, he supported her through the CP investigation rather than separating himself from their 'unit' and presenting himself as a solitary, viable, responsible parent as I said he should have done.

In the beginning it was him and her against SS.

Then, him supporting her to fight against SS.

SS were seen as the enemy most of the time as opposed to people who needed to be here to safeguard the kids.

Deluded idiots the pair of them and it's so hard to sit by on the side lines and watch all of it unfold knowing I'm powerless to do anything about the situation other than be a responsible adult in OH's corner trying to guide him to make the right choices and take the right positions.

Forgot to add, I have no contact with DSC mum whatsoever now so the only information I get is second hand from OH.

If it weren't for wanting to be absolutely certain all the kids were safe I would have extracted myself from this shit show long ago. As PP said, how could I ever trust him to safeguard ours if he's such a wet blanket about all of this?

Ok. Well clearly he’s beyond saving, so instead of trying to get through to him you need to look out for the children.

Contact SS and tell them what you know. Do so anonymously if you have to, but personally I would have the courage of my convictions and would be prepared to put my name to it.

And then I would be making serious plans to end my marriage. But again that’s up to you. But just bear in mind that he would defend a paedophile over his children, and that includes your children. Is that the kind of man you want to stay married to?

Can I just clarify.

Mum wants to visit her mum (who lives with a paedophile) whilst her children (your step children) are with you?

Is there any reason why you won't ring SS and discuss it with the case worker or duty worker? You could do this anonymously. To be honest, I couldn't not do this given the evidence against him and knowing the children aren't 100% protected from him. I'm a little hazy on the rules but I do know in some cases where there is an abusive partner, SS tells the mother if she continues seeing the abuser, the children won't be given back to her (shortened statement of course). This could be the case for your OH's ex and she's ignoring it?

@AlternativePerspective

Ok. Well clearly he’s beyond saving, so instead of trying to get through to him you need to look out for the children.

Contact SS and tell them what you know. Do so anonymously if you have to, but personally I would have the courage of my convictions and would be prepared to put my name to it.

And then I would be making serious plans to end my marriage. But again that’s up to you. But just bear in mind that he would defend a paedophile over his children, and that includes your children. Is that the kind of man you want to stay married to?

No it's not.

I truly believed he'd seen the light and realised the seriousness of it all, so his 'meh' response to this today has really upset me.

By the end of the CP investigation SS viewed OH in a positive light and felt he was a viable protective factor but that was clearly only due to me guiding him.

I have no respect for him whatsoever now.