DSC mum still having contact with paedophile

[OpheliaOpholia]

I would appreciate some perspective please because I'm so upset this morning but it appears I'm the only one who is.

My DSC have been dragged through hell over the past 18 months with police and social services involvement, they have only recently been downgraded from a child protection plan to a child in need one.

It emerged that their mothers step dad, so their 'grandad' is a convicted paedophile who served time in prison for abusing children he was in a position of trust with.

DSC mum believed it was all false allegations and facilitated a relationship between him and DSC, who are two young boys (like his victims were). She allowed the boys to go and visit her mum and step dad alone and stay over without her. I didn't know about any of this, it all came to light out of the blue one day when OH received a call from SS.

The police obtained information that this man was now talking inappropriately to children on the internet and his home was raided.

During the search they took his devices and uncovered inappropriate photos of DSC naked on one or more of these devices. He was arrested and is still on bail over a year later having been re-bailed.

His wife, DSC maternal grandmother, remains married to him and living with him.

DSC mum had to work with SS to show them that she understood the risk and would never allow DSC to be around him again, after quite some time they were satisfied and downgraded from CP to CIN.

The boys were traumatised by the investigations as they thought they were going to be taken away, the eldest developed awful anxiety and the youngest who is autistic is still having to have therapy in school now to deal with the emotional damage.

We were due to have them over tonight to stay but OH announced we'd probably be having them Saturday instead, when I asked why he said it's because his ex called this morning and said she wants him to see if he can swap his days at work and have them then so she can go and visit her mum and step dad.

I'm gob smacked and gutted that after everything the children have been through she still thinks it's appropriate to have anything to do with this man.

I went off on a bit of a tirade and all OH offered to the conversation was "well atleast she's not taking the kids"

So she says. But what if he can't get the night off work? She clearly sees nothing wrong in continuing to have a relationship and be around this bastard regardless of what he's done.

Am I over stepping the mark? Should I be minding my own business?

I just can't wrap my head round the stupidity and selfishness of DSC mum, and her mum, who care more about keeping a paedophile in their lives than they care about these poor fucking children.

I'm sorry for rambling, I'm just so incredibly stressed

@Hemingwaycat

I’d report the ex to SS and I’d personally go to court for full custody, she can’t be trusted with them.

OH would ever agree to apply for full custody. He's a wet blanket where she's concerned. A few years ago she was being difficult about contact and I urged him to take it to court and have everything formalised, he wouldn't even do that.

He's so avoidant of getting on the wrong side of her he lets her effectively do as she pleases.

Must keep her sweet is his M.O

Oh and do you know what one of his primary concerns was when all of this CP investigation was going on?

Not how the kids were being affected by the investigation, but "she'll kill herself if the kids get taken away"

Fucking lunacy.

I can sense your anger and frustration with every post. I really want to help you but I would feel exactly the same way that you do. I kinda feel that you should leave, to protect your own children and to underline that you will not be part of this cabal of apologists and abuse enablers - but I can quite understand how that will not reduce the risk to your DSCs. I'm so sorry OP, what a fucking shit storm

I don't have anything helpful to add, but I can't imagine how incredibly frustrating this must all be for you. If he doesn't step up to protect his children, then he and she stand the chance of losing them altogether, either when ss take them, or when they grow up and find out what a vulnerable position their parents put them in, and decide they don't want contact with them any more. You have my absolute sympathy, what a nightmare situation to be in.

Thank you all for validating how I feel about the situation and the pair of them.

Honestly if it weren't for all of the children I would be gone like a shot. I just know I wouldn't be able to rest easy if I left him right now as I'd always be wondering

Poor kids.
That's all I can say.

I'd keep phoning the Social services a d your husband needs to man up and stop being such a drip. If someone took pictures of my kids privates they would be in a cold jail cell right now with limbs missing

Can you talk to social services and explain that you’re very worried about your husband’s passivity about it all and failure to make any effort to protect his kids and ask their advice about your chances of sole custody if you were to leave him? So whether there is grounds to fight through court for him to have no access to your children on safeguarding grounds? Seems like a long shot but honestly if I had the chance to fully protect my own children from this monstrous family I would do it. You can’t sacrifice their security for the step children when the step children’s parents can continue to expose them to abuse despite all your efforts. It’s a heartbreaking and chilling situation and I really feel for you. If you took your own children and moved away do you think your husband would fight in court for access? I wouldn’t ever in a million years advocate parental alienation but this man is clearly a danger to his own children. As a PP said, any normal parent would rip the limbs from their child’s abuser (or at least want to) whereas your husband sounds chilling in his lack of concern.

I couldn't envision OH taking me to court over access, he refused to do that with his ex even with me putting pressure on him to get a formal contact agreement in place so she couldn't demand and dictate the terms under which he can see them. He is conflict avoidant to his own detriment and everybody else's, at least that's what I'm seeing where his ex is concerned.

If someone took pictures of my kids privates they would be in a cold jail cell right now with limbs missing

That's how I'd feel too.

It's also how he claimed to feel once he'd spoken to the police in the CP conference, except that isn't what I'm seeing now because he has no problem with her going and visiting the dirty old bastard.

If I were him I would have told her that she's lost her fucking mind wanting to go and spend any time with him after what he's done and what the kids have been put through, but no... crickets.

Haven't heard back from SS yet.

@OpheliaOpholia

Thank you all

The only email address I can find is a generic one for referrals but I'm going to phone the SS dept now.

I don't know who the social worker is as it changed for the second time when the plan was downgraded, and suddenly OH doesn't have any updated minutes but I'll cite my concerns and ask for the allocated SW to call me back.

Well done Op.

I can’t believe how Blasé he is being. Good on you for contacting SS. I hope they’ve phoned back

OP, the bit where he said 'she'll kill herself if...' has jumped out at me a bit.

It's made me wonder if his desire to keep her 'sweet', do what she wants, avoid conflict with her at all costs is because she's done a bit of a number on him during their relationship? I'm hesitating to say 'abusive' because that's a big thing to say off the cuff of a minor point in your post, but does he understand that she doesn't hold all the power here? That she can't just unilaterally decide to not allow him contact with the DC for instance? Threatening to commit suicide is a common 'don't do x y z or i'll...' tactic and I'm wondering if that's something she actually said to him?

Alternatively, you say he's on the autistic spectrum - is it possible he's taken some hyperbole like 'I'd die without my kids' from her as literal? I can understand worrying about having a death on his conscience if he genuinely believed that. Not that it would stop me doing the right thing for my DC, but 🤷‍♂️

Unfortunately I haven't heard back from SS yet no. If I don't get a call by the end of the working day I'll be calling back first thing.

OH is now saying if he can't reschedule his rota to swap his Saturday shift then he'll just take the night off citing childcare, so not only is he fine with her going and playing happy families with the pervert he's happy for us to fork out £100 of lost wages to facilitate it. Absolutely fuming.

I offered to have DSC myself so he doesn't miss work but he's saying no because it's too much to ask of me, I guarantee the real reason is because his ex wouldn't like it. We don't get on at all largely due to all of this.

@WeatherwaxLives

OP, the bit where he said 'she'll kill herself if...' has jumped out at me a bit.

It's made me wonder if his desire to keep her 'sweet', do what she wants, avoid conflict with her at all costs is because she's done a bit of a number on him during their relationship? I'm hesitating to say 'abusive' because that's a big thing to say off the cuff of a minor point in your post, but does he understand that she doesn't hold all the power here? That she can't just unilaterally decide to not allow him contact with the DC for instance? Threatening to commit suicide is a common 'don't do x y z or i'll...' tactic and I'm wondering if that's something she actually said to him?

Alternatively, you say he's on the autistic spectrum - is it possible he's taken some hyperbole like 'I'd die without my kids' from her as literal? I can understand worrying about having a death on his conscience if he genuinely believed that. Not that it would stop me doing the right thing for my DC, but 🤷‍♂️

Either scenario is possible to be honest but I would hazard a guess that he's taken some hyperbole literally.

does he understand that she doesn't hold all the power here? That she can't just unilaterally decide to not allow him contact with the DC for instance

I feel as though he thinks she does hold all of the power, because he would never do anything like take her to court because he knows that would piss her off, so he just panders instead.

I think there's an element of guilt on his part for leaving her when she didn't want the relationship to end (I wasn't the OW, I came onto the scene over a year later) so he just goes along with whatever she wants.

He has no backbone at all with her and it has been the cause of so many rows over the years.

I suppose I'm wondering if he's basing all of his reactions on an erroneous assumption. And if you can figure out what that is and dispell it, perhaps he would then rethink his attitude towards dealing with her and would have more of a normal reaction to the horrifying situation his DC are being put in?

How you would figure that out (or if you'd even want to try!) I don't know. Perhaps asking 'why?' to every step of his reasoning like a toddler would?!

@WeatherwaxLives

I suppose I'm wondering if he's basing all of his reactions on an erroneous assumption. And if you can figure out what that is and dispell it, perhaps he would then rethink his attitude towards dealing with her and would have more of a normal reaction to the horrifying situation his DC are being put in?

How you would figure that out (or if you'd even want to try!) I don't know. Perhaps asking 'why?' to every step of his reasoning like a toddler would?!

You raise a good question and it's one I need to explore.

Admittedly, I didn't approach it in the best way with him today. I simply asked him "why are you being such a mug where she is concerned"

He replied that he wasn't and then shut down. He's not great at communicating and appears to avoid talking to me about issues with her at whatever cost.

He knows how I feel about everything to do with DSC but seems to have a blind loyalty to her anyway, even though she doesn't act in their best interests.

It's something that definitely needs exploring.

If I didn't know better I'd be wondering whether he still holds a torch for her hence being so defensive.

Would SW consider you to be a Relevant Person? ie someone who is involved in your DSC's lives? We have this in Scotland, and if you are recorded as such, you'll receive minutes of meetings and Child Plans. It may be a different name elsewhere.

@MrsTidyHouse

Would SW consider you to be a Relevant Person? ie someone who is involved in your DSC's lives? We have this in Scotland, and if you are recorded as such, you'll receive minutes of meetings and Child Plans. It may be a different name elsewhere.

I can't be sure but I think they will have both asked SS to keep me out of it, I would bet my house on the fact OH did at the very least.

They had to run background checks on me because I'm a constant figure in DSC lives, so i had to agree to that intrusion, but not once have SS spoken to or dealt with me personally.

I recall you last thread about this and thinking then how utterly frustrating it must be even just trying to deal with your husband, never mind all the additional people involved.

How disgusting that the ex can even bear to look at her step father, let alone actively spend time with him, knowing what you all do about him. She is seriously lacking in any sort of judgement to be able to adequately protect her children.

Thank goodness you are able to raise concerns, as neither of the children's parents even seem to think about the kids in all of this.

I remember when this all kicked of. Your H attitude is so shocking as well as disappointing.

I can't get past how little your husband seems to be reacting to this?? A convicted paedophile has taken naked pictures of his children, possibly uploaded them to the Internet and his ex wife still maintains a relationship with him?? Why has he not done anything to ensure his children are safe? Is he not concerned that his children are in danger?

Honestly, if I were you right now I would leave him, is there anywhere you can go with your children? Maybe then he'll realise what a big deal all this is. You did the right thing contacting SS, keep on at them, as PP said, make so much noise about it until they have to act, there's a good chance they will bump the CIN back up to a CP in the interim whilst they investigate, but those services are so stretched and underfunded at the moment those poor kids, at least they have someone fighting their corner

Yep it's ridiculous.

No idea what he plans to do about Saturday, if he asks to swap a shift and they say no (which is the likely outcome) then there's not much he can do about that other than just not go in - which risks his job aswell as a nights pay.

My offer to have them has been turned down by him on the basis it's too much to ask of me, aka she wouldn't be happy about it.

So we'll both be wondering whether she's taken DSC with her to see the arsehole, as even OH has just admitted he can't trust her not to.

so there's no ideal answer is there?

Fucking people.

Personally and I might be over stepping my bounds, I think calling SS is the right thing to do, explain the situation that the children’s mother wants to go and see the father and you have concerns that this might be indicative of her not seeing him being a danger. Maybe SS said she could still see him, although I really doubt it but maybe they did, but if that is the case you’ve done the right thing and brought it to their attention and if they deem it ok, then I guess it’s ok.

In my opinion from reading your posts OP, it looks like the mother and grandmother are still in denial if they could maintain a relationship with someone who groomed and sexually exploited their children/ grand children. And if they are still in denial or don’t perceive what he’s done to be abhorrent or a danger then who’s to say there won’t be further contact between them, if not now then at some point down the line.

I think for your own peace of mind it’s better to flag it and it be deemed ‘nothing’ than to ignore it and it have potentially been something that could endanger those poor kids again.

They’re lucky to have you. Your husband needs a kick up the arse xx

At least SS will be aware that contact has been resumed with the step dad.

I already have phoned SS and was told I'd get a call back, haven't heard anything yet so hopefully tomorrow morning I will. If I don't then I'll ring them back again.

He picked DSC up for the pre arranged visit today, he just called me and said that whilst there he told her he isn't able to change his shift and that she was quite blunt and unimpressed about it.

I did tell him I'd have them myself but he ruled that out so that's that I guess.

So now I'm even more keen to speak to SS because I don't know if she's still intending to go or not.