DSC mum still having contact with paedophile

[OpheliaOpholia]

I would appreciate some perspective please because I'm so upset this morning but it appears I'm the only one who is.

My DSC have been dragged through hell over the past 18 months with police and social services involvement, they have only recently been downgraded from a child protection plan to a child in need one.

It emerged that their mothers step dad, so their 'grandad' is a convicted paedophile who served time in prison for abusing children he was in a position of trust with.

DSC mum believed it was all false allegations and facilitated a relationship between him and DSC, who are two young boys (like his victims were). She allowed the boys to go and visit her mum and step dad alone and stay over without her. I didn't know about any of this, it all came to light out of the blue one day when OH received a call from SS.

The police obtained information that this man was now talking inappropriately to children on the internet and his home was raided.

During the search they took his devices and uncovered inappropriate photos of DSC naked on one or more of these devices. He was arrested and is still on bail over a year later having been re-bailed.

His wife, DSC maternal grandmother, remains married to him and living with him.

DSC mum had to work with SS to show them that she understood the risk and would never allow DSC to be around him again, after quite some time they were satisfied and downgraded from CP to CIN.

The boys were traumatised by the investigations as they thought they were going to be taken away, the eldest developed awful anxiety and the youngest who is autistic is still having to have therapy in school now to deal with the emotional damage.

We were due to have them over tonight to stay but OH announced we'd probably be having them Saturday instead, when I asked why he said it's because his ex called this morning and said she wants him to see if he can swap his days at work and have them then so she can go and visit her mum and step dad.

I'm gob smacked and gutted that after everything the children have been through she still thinks it's appropriate to have anything to do with this man.

I went off on a bit of a tirade and all OH offered to the conversation was "well atleast she's not taking the kids"

So she says. But what if he can't get the night off work? She clearly sees nothing wrong in continuing to have a relationship and be around this bastard regardless of what he's done.

Am I over stepping the mark? Should I be minding my own business?

I just can't wrap my head round the stupidity and selfishness of DSC mum, and her mum, who care more about keeping a paedophile in their lives than they care about these poor fucking children.

@MissMarpleTheMurderer

Can I just clarify.

Mum wants to visit her mum (who lives with a paedophile) whilst her children (your step children) are with you?

Yes.

She wants OH to have them this weekend, instead of tonight, so she can go and see the pair of them (her mum and step dad)

My issue is - what happens if OH can't get the night off work? What happens next time she wants to visit them and OH is working? Why would she even want to spend time with the man who has sexually exploited her children?

I'm flabbergasted that she wants anything to do with him at all.

Ok so I would understand her wanting to keep a relationship with her mother, but why him after what he's done?

Why can't the mother come and see her separately?

Dyswim?

@GoodGrief100

Is there any reason why you won't ring SS and discuss it with the case worker or duty worker? You could do this anonymously. To be honest, I couldn't not do this given the evidence against him and knowing the children aren't 100% protected from him. I'm a little hazy on the rules but I do know in some cases where there is an abusive partner, SS tells the mother if she continues seeing the abuser, the children won't be given back to her (shortened statement of course). This could be the case for your OH's ex and she's ignoring it?

I'm absolutely prepared to.

I wanted some perspective first as admittedly I'm close to the situation and it's emotive, I'm also not certain on what their position is about DSC mum having contact with the step dad - I only know that DSC aren't to have any.

Ok so I would understand her wanting to keep a relationship with her mother, but why him after what he's done?

I wouldn't want a relationship with the dm either. She chooses to stay married to the man who has been imprisoned once for child abuse and has since been arrested for having pictures of her grandchildren on his device. She's as bad as him.

Im sorry, OP, I have no advice but wish you the best.

I can understand that. From my perspective, it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to phone SS and let them know what she's doing and your concerns as you've laid out here. They would be interested in that information.

@TartanJumper

Ok so I would understand her wanting to keep a relationship with her mother, but why him after what he's done?

I wouldn't want a relationship with the dm either. She chooses to stay married to the man who has been imprisoned once for child abuse and has since been arrested for having pictures of her grandchildren on his device. She's as bad as him.

Im sorry, OP, I have no advice but wish you the best.

I wouldn't either if it were my mother.

He's just so laid back he's horizontal and IMO they've both failed the children miserably

Thank you

@OpheliaOpholia

SS was of the opinion that DSC mum had been groomed by him herself, not for the purpose of being abused but in the sense of not seeing what he is / what he's doing, and facilitating contact with her kids.

They felt she acknowledged the risks and wised up hence downgrading to CIN then no sooner as they did that, she's going round there again to see him.

It's insane to me.

There's nothing to stop you contacting ss with your concerns.

You should call SS today and state exactly what is happening. Or send an urgent email so your concerns won't be lost in translation - they may not accurately record what you say verbally.
Act NOW and state that she is visiting her DM and her husband today - perhaps they may visit the property and witness her if she's there with her children?
You sound so good. I am so sorry you are surrounded by people who are blinded to this abuser's behaviour, it must be so frustrating.

Yes. I certainly swym, and I'm not at all questioning your concern but I don't think there is anything you can do about it as it is all based on ifs.
SS would see that she is taking precautions by sending the children to their dads, and it is reasonable that she wants to stay in contact with her mum who is also a likely victim of her step father. ( and the mum may also be a victim)

I understand why you think it should be an easy decision to cut all contact, but relationships with offenders is very complex. Your DH does need to be more concerned about the possibility of his children having contact and take steps to confirm it won't. it's a bloody hard situation for you

This is horrendous

So just to sum it up. Loser ex wife aka mother of the children has a stepfather who talks inappropriately to other younger children and took pictures of her very own children naked and she is still going round there for coffee and cake.

The mind just boggles.

Its utterly horrendous. I would be informing the SS that the mother of the OP stepchildren is still in contact with paedophile stepdad and that it is possible that she could still bring the children to see him. I mean how can you even sit in the same room with a pardophile where your own children were the victim just sickens me and I would happily call the Social services and let them know it all.
Your husband alai sounds completely unbothered about the whole situation. The kids are not safe or even thought of. I am literally so upset for the poor kids. I mean what the actual hell.

You're right to be angry OP. I mean it is all just absolutely ridiculous and unbelievable that the mother has contact with her mother alone. The maternal grandmother still took him back. So what does that say about her! Maybe she is involved somehow. It makes me feel so sick and so sad.
Sorry you're going through this OP. Lets hope we get the best result for the children.

Your husband also*

Thank you all

The only email address I can find is a generic one for referrals but I'm going to phone the SS dept now.

I don't know who the social worker is as it changed for the second time when the plan was downgraded, and suddenly OH doesn't have any updated minutes but I'll cite my concerns and ask for the allocated SW to call me back.

Your DP needs a big kick up the arse. I can't imagine how utterly frustrated you must be with how shit he is as a parent.

I hope you get somewhere with SS.

@LadyDanburysHat

Your DP needs a big kick up the arse. I can't imagine how utterly frustrated you must be with how shit he is as a parent.

I hope you get somewhere with SS.

It's unbelievably frustrating. I was close to shouting this morning and would have done if my DC weren't in the next room.

It's as though his ex can do no wrong, and even if she does do wrong then she doesn't mean it and she's not really to blame, and if she is to blame then we have to be kind about it and handle it with kid gloves. We're not to tell her she's in the wrong, because atleast she hasn't taken the DSC there allegedly/yet.

I spoke to a woman at SS, explained who I was and why I'm calling, she took down all of the details and I'm told somebody will be phoning me back - hopefully the allocated SW herself.

OH is going to hate me for this, I'm beyond caring.

OH is actually on the rota to work this Saturday night which she knows about because he works every Saturday, so I don't know how she thinks it's possible to just change the contact day.

They're supposed to be coming tonight so I've told him to have them tonight as planned then we'll see what we can do about Saturday as an extra contact. In all likelihood he won't be able to change his rota so I will offer to have them by myself so I can be sure she hasn't taken them.

You absolutely did the right thing

I would be so sickened by your partner’s response (or lack there of) to the whole situation that I wouldn’t contemplate staying in a relationship with him. Any response other than fighting for full custody of his kids so he can protect them himself (even if unsuccessful) would have me running for the hills. Are you not worried by his passive reaction to something that is so utterly abhorrent to any decent person?

Ugh just seen you have your own children. That makes it ten times worse. How can you have them entangled with a man who (your partner) who doesn’t have the normal and appropriate horrified reactions to paedophilia?!

You've done the right thing. Thank God the children have you to look out for them when every other responsible adult in their life is doing a terrible job of it.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

Ugh just seen you have your own children. That makes it ten times worse. How can you have them entangled with a man who (your partner) who doesn’t have the normal and appropriate horrified reactions to paedophilia?!

I was oblivious to anything about the step grandad until last year, if any of this had come up before I had children with him I wouldn't have considered having any.

I had no idea he was so negligent about safeguarding, or his ex for that matter. I had never seen anything to suggest they'd facilitate or look past things like this.

The position I'm in now is difficult because I feel I now have a responsibility to DSC aswell as my own DC.

The way I see it is, rightly or wrongly, whilst I'm here I can be sure, to an extent, that they're being kept safe.

OH doesn't have contact with the grandad or any other known sex offenders but I still have in the back of my mind "How can I trust you to keep My DC safe if I'm not on the scene?"

How did your husband react when he found his own DS had been photographed like that by the step-grandfather?

Ok I assumed the children weren’t your partners so he was their step father. A horrible messy situation for all involved but wow, this would stamp out any feelings I had for that man faster than almost anything I can think of

You have done the right thing.

@FlorrieLindley

How did your husband react when he found his own DS had been photographed like that by the step-grandfather?

I'll explain how he found out and what his response was so people have the full context.

He finished a night shift and went to sleep, only to be woken up by a call from a social worker out of the blue. Upon realising he'd been asleep and wasn't with it, the social worker said she would call him back later that afternoon as it was important she talk to him because the children were now undergoing a CP investigation.

Instead of going back to sleep he phoned his ex and asked what was going on. She was defensive but told him that SS were involved due to the grandad having photos of DSC, she added that it was a big fuss over nothing because she didn't have a problem with it (the photos were of DSC naked on a beach and she knew he'd taken them to the beach)

OH then adopted the same mindset, it's all a big fuss over nothing, children are sometimes naked on a beach - so what?

The social worker called back that afternoon and went into more detail, the photos had come to their attention via the police who had a search warrant for his property due to him grooming boys online. The police sent the info to social services as they identified DSC as being at risk. The police believed that the photos of DSC may have been uploaded onto the internet. The photos were full frontal nudity with DSC genitals as the focal point of the picture. This was all of serious concern because the grandad is a convicted paedophile who spent time in prison for molesting underage child(ren) some years ago.

OH relayed that all back to me, I asked whether he knew about the grandads history because it was the first I had heard about it.

OH then says he was told years ago that somebody had made false allegations against the grandad, but they were found to be untrue (obviously that wasn't the case as he'd gone to prison!) but OH took his word for that and always liked the grandad when he was with his ex.

At this point OH was still in denial and thought the whole thing had come about as a result of his exes brother, who supposedly has MH problems, making false reports because he's estranged from the family and had previous for causing trouble. He believed that because that's what his ex was attributing it all to. The pair of them formed a united stand against SS "Grandad wouldn't do that!"

Meanwhile OH's ex is maintaining that she doesn't have an issue with the grandad having pictures, infact he had sent her some of those pictures of the boys on the beach that day (aka normalizing it, clever bastard) and she doesn't think her "dad" has done anything wrong at all.

Subsequent telephone call between OH and social worker: the SW asked OH whether he felt it was appropriate for children to be naked on a beach. OH said he didn't think it was too out of the ordinary for young kids. SW, audibly taken back, then asked whether he thought it was appropriate for a man with the grandads history to be taking such pictures. OH stops for a second and said "well, I don't actually know what he's done wrong and what history, somebody made allegations against him years ago and he was found not guilty, that's all I know"

All relayed back to me. Cue me going bat shit and threatening to leave if he didn't wake up and acknowledge what was going on and the seriousness of it. How could he be so stupid.

So in short he was in denial and even defence of the grandad to begin with, until he heard directly from the police himself in a meeting.

He then woke up and realised he'd been duped and that the grandad wasn't some poor innocent bloke who'd had false allegations made against him. He was a convicted paedophile, and an active one.

He made all the right noises from that point which included feeling bitterly ashamed for having let the kids down, anger and hatred for the grandad etc.

Then it all got brushed under the carpet.

Grandad was released on bail, then re-bailed and that's still on-going..

Then this today, and it feels like we're right back to where we was when it happened. People not taking it seriously.

You have done the right thing; in these situations it is better to be safe than sorry.

I’d report the ex to SS and I’d personally go to court for full custody, she can’t be trusted with them.