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DSC mum still having contact with paedophile

121 replies

OpheliaOpholia · 25/08/2021 09:42

I would appreciate some perspective please because I'm so upset this morning but it appears I'm the only one who is.

My DSC have been dragged through hell over the past 18 months with police and social services involvement, they have only recently been downgraded from a child protection plan to a child in need one.

It emerged that their mothers step dad, so their 'grandad' is a convicted paedophile who served time in prison for abusing children he was in a position of trust with.

DSC mum believed it was all false allegations and facilitated a relationship between him and DSC, who are two young boys (like his victims were). She allowed the boys to go and visit her mum and step dad alone and stay over without her. I didn't know about any of this, it all came to light out of the blue one day when OH received a call from SS.

The police obtained information that this man was now talking inappropriately to children on the internet and his home was raided.

During the search they took his devices and uncovered inappropriate photos of DSC naked on one or more of these devices. He was arrested and is still on bail over a year later having been re-bailed.

His wife, DSC maternal grandmother, remains married to him and living with him.

DSC mum had to work with SS to show them that she understood the risk and would never allow DSC to be around him again, after quite some time they were satisfied and downgraded from CP to CIN.

The boys were traumatised by the investigations as they thought they were going to be taken away, the eldest developed awful anxiety and the youngest who is autistic is still having to have therapy in school now to deal with the emotional damage.

We were due to have them over tonight to stay but OH announced we'd probably be having them Saturday instead, when I asked why he said it's because his ex called this morning and said she wants him to see if he can swap his days at work and have them then so she can go and visit her mum and step dad.

I'm gob smacked and gutted that after everything the children have been through she still thinks it's appropriate to have anything to do with this man.

I went off on a bit of a tirade and all OH offered to the conversation was "well atleast she's not taking the kids"

So she says. But what if he can't get the night off work? She clearly sees nothing wrong in continuing to have a relationship and be around this bastard regardless of what he's done.

Am I over stepping the mark? Should I be minding my own business?

I just can't wrap my head round the stupidity and selfishness of DSC mum, and her mum, who care more about keeping a paedophile in their lives than they care about these poor fucking children.

OP posts:
mallowvalley · 25/08/2021 19:51

Absolutely call SS tomorrow as a matter of urgency. How utterly awful for these children.
What happened to ExW's brother? The one who has "MH issues" who had accused the step grandfather of abuse? I take it he's still the family black sheep despite everything Sad

OneFootintheRave · 25/08/2021 20:08

I remember your other thread. I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve a medal. I could never look at my OH the same way if he he behaved like this. Spineless coward!

OpheliaOpholia · 25/08/2021 20:39

Exes brother with alleged MH problems is still estranged from the lot of them AFAIK, and good for him. Isn't it telling how the only person in the family to take a stand against the convicted paedo is labelled a nutcase and trouble maker. Very telling indeed.

OP posts:
Capricornandproud · 25/08/2021 20:40

Your OH sounds like one lazy shit to be honest. It smacks of cant-be-arsedness and this is how abuse can often continue undetected and for so long. Those poor kids xx

Humpthree · 25/08/2021 20:47

Isn't it telling how the only person in the family to take a stand against the convicted paedo is labelled a nutcase and trouble maker. Very telling indeed.

Just coming on to say this!

EllieStartingOver · 25/08/2021 20:59

You’re doing the right thing.

It’s a slippery slope if she continues to have a relationship with him when SS have already identified that she has been groomed also. It may way fall under failure to protect. I’m sorry you’re going through this, they’re lucky to have you x

EveningOverRooftops · 25/08/2021 21:08

They’re all insane. All of them. I cut off a friend of 17yrs after his father was convicted for the same thing.

My DC had never met friends father thank god

But I couldn’t get past my friend supporting his father and dismissing what he actually was convicted of.

I knew in that instant I couldn’t trust friend around DC either.

I did the same with my mother when she continued to have a relationship with my stepfather who physically and emotionally abused me.

I cannot fathom anyone who would continue a relationship with anyone when they continue to see an abuser.

You don’t do it. You don’t allow an abuser any way in ever.

GoogleWhacked · 25/08/2021 22:44

I'm sorry you're going through this, thank god those children have you to there, otherwise God only knows what would happen.

mallowvalley · 26/08/2021 14:28

Have you had any update from SS?

Pebbledashery · 26/08/2021 19:41

Can I ask why your other half froze you out of proceedings with children's services, and also how you can respect a man who has no gumption to prioritise his children's safety?

OpheliaOpholia · 26/08/2021 19:53

I spoke with somebody from SS today, a lady called me this morning. It wasn't the case worker as she's on annual leave but the one I spoke to seemed good and listened to my concerns.

She said whilst she can't comment on behalf of DSC social worker she thinks I've done the right thing by calling in and it will definitely be passed forward accordingly.

She asked whether the DSC have been taken there recently and I said not as far as I'm aware but I can't say for certain as I'm only dealing with second hand information.

I asked if they could tell me what was going on with the bail and she said she doesn't know herself but couldn't really tell me anyway and that's something OH will have to chase up.

Regarding why OH froze me out of proceedings, in my opinion it's because I went a bit nuclear after I read the first bundle of paperwork. His ex came across very badly and I didn't mince my words about it (he's far from perfect himself I know, but some of the things I read were infuriating)

It was easier for him to freeze me out than have to deal with my anger on top of the CP investigation and the stress of that.

I also think he was trying to protect his exes privacy.

He told me the bare minimum from then onwards and whenever he had a conference (virtually at the time) he went in another room and used a headset.

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 26/08/2021 19:59

Op you sound really caring but there's obviously no respect in your relationship. He doesn't respect you enough to involve you and you obviously don't respect him, because you can stay with a man that would potentially allow his children to be put at risk. It's a shame you aren't those childrens mother, you're just about the only one who cares for them and you're not their parent.

smalldogfanclub · 26/08/2021 19:59

Your OH is very avoidant. Takes the path of least resistance at any cost. Does he express worry or concern about his children generally? Or with regards to this issue?

OpheliaOpholia · 26/08/2021 19:59

@Pebbledashery

Can I ask why your other half froze you out of proceedings with children's services, and also how you can respect a man who has no gumption to prioritise his children's safety?
As I said in a previous post I have struggled to have any respect for him since all of this came to light. You won't see me defending him.

It's not as easy as LTB though, I have a responsibility to my DSC now aswell as my own. I wouldn't just abandon them when they need me.

OP posts:
OpheliaOpholia · 26/08/2021 20:00

@Pebbledashery

Op you sound really caring but there's obviously no respect in your relationship. He doesn't respect you enough to involve you and you obviously don't respect him, because you can stay with a man that would potentially allow his children to be put at risk. It's a shame you aren't those childrens mother, you're just about the only one who cares for them and you're not their parent.
Thank you that's very kind.

I love them as if they were my own. My heart is broken for what they've been dragged through.

OP posts:
OpheliaOpholia · 26/08/2021 20:03

@smalldogfanclub

Your OH is very avoidant. Takes the path of least resistance at any cost. Does he express worry or concern about his children generally? Or with regards to this issue?
He absolutely is. I said that to him yesterday. He is far too avoidant.

He does express concern and worry about them yes, youngest was being bullied at school not so long ago and OH was really cut up about it.

He was also worried about this issue when the CP investigation was going on, questioning whether anything more had happened etc.

Overall though, he doesn't worry unless given reason to iykwim.

He appears to have total trust in his ex not to take them there or put them at risk again whereas most of us would never be able to have that peace of mind given what's happened.

OP posts:
smalldogfanclub · 26/08/2021 20:05

OP you are utterly lovely Flowers
Is there a chance that the DSC may come to live with you?

OpheliaOpholia · 26/08/2021 20:18

@smalldogfanclub

OP you are utterly lovely Flowers Is there a chance that the DSC may come to live with you?
I wish they could but OH would never consider filing for residency on the basis of how things are at the moment, he's satisfied they're not being taken there and trusts her enough not to be fretting about it (however I think that's incredibly naive)

The last thing he would want would be to take them away from their mum, they do love her to bits, faults and all.

If we did become aware of them going there then filing for residency would be the condition under which I would stay, not that I think there'd be much of a fight because I'm sure SS would remove them from her right away this time.

OP posts:
smalldogfanclub · 26/08/2021 21:15

Will you be contacted by SS again? Can you be a relevant adult as PP suggested? I hope you can be empowered to help these children. They've been through enough.

DancesWithFelines · 26/08/2021 21:37

The step-grandad would have targeted his partner years ago because she was the enabling, minimising type. And then your OH's ex has grown up with her mum as that kind of role model so she has become the minimising type as well. Step-grandad had the perfect setup around him to abuse kids... surrounded by women who look the other way!

How come your OH is looking the other way as well? Does he have trauma in his background? Is the Step Grandad a scary person?

I found it difficult to go NC with my mum's partner because he spent two decades sowing the seeds of fear (did a martial art, would brag about putting a random female shoplifter in a headlock etc) but I did manage to go NC in the end when his behaviour was affecting my DC - although my mother finds my NC with him difficult to accept.

Just wondering if the step-grandfather has worked on them all (including your OH) over the years to have some kind of 'hold' over them. It seems like they are all fawning and people-pleasing him. Maybe if your OH can be made to see this then it will break the spell over him.

OpheliaOpholia · 26/08/2021 21:55

DSC social worker may want to talk to me herself when she's back in the office but I'm not sure. They have my contact details.

How come your OH is looking the other way as well? Does he have trauma in his background? Is the Step Grandad a scary person?

No trauma in his background and grandad isn't a scary person, quite the opposite. He's physically disabled and plays on it by the sound of it. I also think he must be a good manipulator to be able to pull the wool over the whole families eyes, barring the brother.

OH thought of him as pretty vulnerable and defenceless which is clearly not the case.

OP posts:
freeingNora · 26/08/2021 22:17

Peodo's groom whole families before they ever touch the children. It's a shame your OH isn't as concerned as you are about the safety of his children. It would make me question my relationship especially if you were having children together.

I think you have greater issues at stake in your relationship

Thehouseofmarvels · 26/08/2021 22:23

So evil the way these pedos groom the adults to see all this stuff as normal

Teamfemale · 26/08/2021 22:26

OP I remember your posts.

What a horrible and frustrating situation for you and your DSC. You sound as if you really care for them.

Well done for getting in contact with the SS. She sounds as if she is still in denial like her mother - and in part your DH, he still must have some kind of doubt that because he didn't do anything to his boys it wasn't that bad.

I think that's why he is cutting you out - because he thinks your blowing it out of proportion. But you're not.

The kids might love her to bits but they deserve to be somewhere that they are safe. Hopefully SS will see this as her warming up to take them back there at some point and take them off her. Maybe you should discuss this with your DH because SS do take kids off women when they won't stop seeing their abusive partner. This isn't a million miles away from that. They will see this as a red flag. Flowers

DancesWithFelines · 26/08/2021 22:26

Ah, so he's the type that plays on his frailty to get away with the abuse. It's hard to point the finger at a disabled person. That's why you see sex abusers (Weinstein et al) hobbling about on sticks or in wheelchairs at their court appearances.

Sounds like he has done a number on all of them! It's almost like now the brother is NC you are the only thorn in his side speaking the truth.
I'm so sorry you and those poor kids are in this position! I hope SS deal with it.