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Original poster

My son was arrested (trigger warning)

143 replies

arrestedhelp · 22/08/2021 06:21

My son (in his mid 20s) was arrested yesterday. He was caught by an online vigilante group trying to meet a 15 year old boy with sexual intent. DS has ASD and lacks the capacity to understand the consequences of his actions, but he did it and was caught. The vigilante group have named him and given our location, and local FB now I'm scared for him, myself and my younger DCs. I have a place to go if anything should happen. The police cannot get the video taken down of the vigilante operation. I don't know what to do.

I also need to address this somehow with my younger DCs (7 and 11), they're going to notice things are different in the house and possibly hear stuff in school. We are due to have a SS welfare assessment as well. I don't even know where to start with them.

I feel so lost and scared.

OP posts:
condensationwindows · 22/08/2021 08:14

There is a video on Tik Tok OP which may be your son. I saw it last night.

I have no advice to give you. This is going to be an extremely difficult time for you.

IsThisIt2021 · 22/08/2021 08:14

@Northernparent68

Obviously he should n’t have been trying to meet a15 year old, but it’s a leap to say he’ll abuse his own children
It's not his children though. It's his siblings. I do see what you mean but I'm sure this time last week the OP thought her eldest child wouldn't have arranged to meet a 15 year old child - there is absolutely no way anyone should say his siblings are safe around him until a full investigation has been conducted - leap or not.

We should not & can not risk children in the way.

To you OP, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation & I wish you all the best going ahead. I hope you have support you can lean on & please accept any services that may be offered to you to help you to overcome this.

GoodnightGrandma · 22/08/2021 08:16

OP - if you don’t safeguard your children, SS will. Think about that.

ButterflyAway · 22/08/2021 08:17

Sorry but if he was planning on meeting a child for sex, he absolutely is a risk to your younger children and social services will give you two choices - get rid of the pedophile or lose your other children. There is no one that would ever believe an adult caught in the act is safe to be around kids.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’ve been through similar with a sibling (not the vigilante group, but one that has ASD and decided minors were the best bet for sex). You go into denial for a long time - he couldn’t possibly be capable, surly he doesn’t understand, then you realise just how much your children were at risk and continue to be by allowing him to stay in your home.

Oblomov21 · 22/08/2021 08:17

Do you intend to stay where you live, or move. Surely best you move, your younger dc will be teased badly and school life for them will be horrendous even if teachers try and stop anything said.

Fiddliestofsticks · 22/08/2021 08:19

First thing is that you need to wake up to what has happened here. You cant hide behind "but he lacks capacity."

These vigilante groups do not contact men first. They just have a profile and wait. Your son contacted this random "child". These vigilante groups do not turn the conversation sexual. They wait. Your son turned the conversation sexual. It would be very unlucky that the first ever time he did this, it was a sting so he has most likely dont this before, with real children.

Doing that; finding a child's profile, starting a conversation, turning it sexual, arranging a meeting and then going out with a supervising adult shows he is very capable and able to be independent and understand what he was doing. He is a risk to all children, even if he only wants children after puberty, he is still a risk to children. And he made all those choices and took the actions necessary to get what he wanted.

He has capacity to manage all of that. You need to open your eyes.

He may not have the capacity to understand getting caught, getting in trouble etc. However, if that was true then surely he would have mentioned in conversation at some point that he was going to meet this boy? So he has hidden it from you. He knew it was wrong. He just didnt think he could get caught.

You've got to open your eyes. He needs to face punishment and the local community will of course be interested and want to follow the case and want updates on him. They will also keep their kids away from your home, so your younger kids will suffer.

Selling up and moving several towns over, without telling anyone from your home town, is the best you can do for the younger kids.

You need to remove all internet access for your oldest kid, take everything off him. And start looking into adult assisted living for him.

hashbrownsandwich · 22/08/2021 08:20

@Hellocatshome

I accept he was talking to a younger boy in a sexual way, but the kids are at no risk from him.

You can't know that. You didn't think he would groom kids over the Internet but he did.

This was exactly what I was about to say.

Witchesbelazy · 22/08/2021 08:21

You need to protect your other children or you could very well lose them.

GoodnightGrandma · 22/08/2021 08:21

I saw a video on TT this morning. That person very quickly understands what he has done.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 22/08/2021 08:22

@Soubriquet

Oh he does live at home?

Then my questions stands. Why would you let him have unsupervised internet access, even in his 20’s, if he doesn’t have the capacity to know you can’t message children for sex?

Just because someone has a disability, or learning difficulty doesn't mean they are more likely to do something like this. You can't monitor adults 24/7. OP says she has no reason to think this would happen. What about the millions of other men out there meeting messaging children with sexual content that DO understand what they are doing? Do you ask their mothers why they were allowed unsupervised access to the Internet if they still live at home?
Reallyreallyborednow · 22/08/2021 08:22

This is why the police don’t like the vigilante groups. Now they have to protect an entire family.

Did the group come to your home o/p? Or did he actually go to a meeting place thinking he was meeting a 15 year old for sex? Increasingly these groups are going to homes when people fail to show up, which puts other residents at risk, and also fails to show intent to act on their messages. It’s also not unheard of for them to show up at the wrong house having got the wrong person.

I saw an awful video recently where the poor man clearly had serious LD. He was agreeing to everything the vigilantes were accusing him of, and it was obvious he had no understanding of what they were saying. Then they jumped on the man’s carer saying he must be in on it he was the one with capacity.

Speak to the police and ask for safeguarding. They will help protect you and your home.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 22/08/2021 08:23

@Northernparent68

Obviously he should n’t have been trying to meet a15 year old, but it’s a leap to say he’ll abuse his own children
They are his siblings not his children, and it may be a leap but it needs to be explored through assessment.
flapjackfairy · 22/08/2021 08:24

I have nothing helpful to add but just wanted to say that I am v sorry this has happened to you and your family. My heart goes out to you it must be a nightmare. X

FlubberNutter · 22/08/2021 08:24

OP, I’m so sorry this is happening to your family. I think you’re going to have to prepare yourself for what might be disclosed in an investigation. I highly doubt this was an isolated incident and you’ll probably find there is a history of this and other things like indecent images etc.

I’ve worked with similar cases and there is almost always more to it. For now, you need to keep your other children safe. SS are going to need you to show them that your younger DC are your priority. If you make excuses for your son or try to explain his actions they will look at this unfavourably and your children will be removed from your care. They need to be sure that you will protect them. If you demonstrate to them that you are in denial they will not let the children stay with you.

Good luck OP.

Ducksurprise · 22/08/2021 08:25

@Northernparent68

Obviously he should n’t have been trying to meet a15 year old, but it’s a leap to say he’ll abuse his own children
I'd say it was a small step rather than leap, and ops younger children need to be protected from the possibility. She also needs to show SS that she will safeguard the younger two.
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 22/08/2021 08:25

He will need to find somewhere else. If you refuse, it is almost certain your younger children will be removed from your care.

As a social worker you should not be saying things like this. You know that only a court can remove children from parents care and the threshold is extremely high. Making a statement like this is inappropriate and misleading and can cause panic unduly.

Tinacollada · 22/08/2021 08:28

Going on the information provided, this is almost certainly what the social worker will tell the OP .....

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 22/08/2021 08:30

@Fiddliestofsticks

First thing is that you need to wake up to what has happened here. You cant hide behind "but he lacks capacity."

These vigilante groups do not contact men first. They just have a profile and wait. Your son contacted this random "child". These vigilante groups do not turn the conversation sexual. They wait. Your son turned the conversation sexual. It would be very unlucky that the first ever time he did this, it was a sting so he has most likely dont this before, with real children.

Doing that; finding a child's profile, starting a conversation, turning it sexual, arranging a meeting and then going out with a supervising adult shows he is very capable and able to be independent and understand what he was doing. He is a risk to all children, even if he only wants children after puberty, he is still a risk to children. And he made all those choices and took the actions necessary to get what he wanted.

He has capacity to manage all of that. You need to open your eyes.

He may not have the capacity to understand getting caught, getting in trouble etc. However, if that was true then surely he would have mentioned in conversation at some point that he was going to meet this boy? So he has hidden it from you. He knew it was wrong. He just didnt think he could get caught.

You've got to open your eyes. He needs to face punishment and the local community will of course be interested and want to follow the case and want updates on him. They will also keep their kids away from your home, so your younger kids will suffer.

Selling up and moving several towns over, without telling anyone from your home town, is the best you can do for the younger kids.

You need to remove all internet access for your oldest kid, take everything off him. And start looking into adult assisted living for him.

Agree with this. Flowers for you OP it must be a terrble shock but you cannot minimise this and need to get your head around it asap.

It takes time effott and planning. He had capacity and knows it was wrong.

I would be thinking about moving now to protect and minimise the trauma for your (innocent) children.

GoodnightGrandma · 22/08/2021 08:31

🔼 agree

Cactuslove · 22/08/2021 08:32

Hi OP this sounds really tough. What you need to do is contact your Adult Social Services ASAP. They will have an out of hrs team who will pass info onto the normal team on Monday if you call them today. They need to assess his care needs under The Care Act and they also need to support him with housing. They will also be able to assess his capacity (which is decision and time specific) to ascertain his understanding of risk and what he has been doing online. Ypu can also discuss safeguarding with adult social care as there is a duty to safeguard your son from he vigilantes. Adult services can work alongside children's, housing and police to ensure the best outcome for all of you. I'm sorry you're all going through this.

Positivelyrandom · 22/08/2021 08:34

I accept he was talking to a younger boy in a sexual way, but the kids are at no risk from him.

I agree with the two previous posts. With respect, OP, you can’t know this. You’d had safety and consent talks with him and he still groomed a child. I don’t think he can continue to live with you and the DCs. SS will surely come to the same conclusion. You need to gently tell the younger siblings that their DB has done something wrong, so has to go away for a while.

Cactuslove · 22/08/2021 08:37

OP just to say that temporarily I would have him move in with family just to safeguard your youngest and to give you all them think and have space from each other. This will also expedite the response time because he will be technically homeless.

I haven't got any more advice. But I have worked in this area before. This may just be the trigger to get your son some help a d input from services that it sounds like he should have had before.

Please don't panic. You're feeling out of your depth because you are- get the professionals involved who will take this over for you.

LIZS · 22/08/2021 08:48

Police should be able to remove the video, especially as an investigation is ongoing and could be compromised. Have you seen the messages, can you be sure this is the first instance? Could your younger children have been exposed to or implicated in his behaviour?

If he is at risk of harm now, having been publicly accused, and vulnerable, will police and adult ss assist with his relocation. Is he still in custody now?

Autumndays123 · 22/08/2021 08:50

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

He will need to find somewhere else. If you refuse, it is almost certain your younger children will be removed from your care.

As a social worker you should not be saying things like this. You know that only a court can remove children from parents care and the threshold is extremely high. Making a statement like this is inappropriate and misleading and can cause panic unduly.

I'm trying to give my honest opinion, there is nothing wrong with that. Too many times I've seen similar situations where the parent is in denial and the younger children are then removed. The OP needs to face this situation with her eyes wide open
Autumndays123 · 22/08/2021 08:53

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

He will need to find somewhere else. If you refuse, it is almost certain your younger children will be removed from your care.

As a social worker you should not be saying things like this. You know that only a court can remove children from parents care and the threshold is extremely high. Making a statement like this is inappropriate and misleading and can cause panic unduly.

Also, I agree the threshold for removal is extremely high, but can you get much higher than a proven sexual predator with an appetite for children and inability to apparently understand what he's doing as wrong, living in the same house?