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Original poster

My son was arrested (trigger warning)

143 replies

arrestedhelp · 22/08/2021 06:21

My son (in his mid 20s) was arrested yesterday. He was caught by an online vigilante group trying to meet a 15 year old boy with sexual intent. DS has ASD and lacks the capacity to understand the consequences of his actions, but he did it and was caught. The vigilante group have named him and given our location, and local FB now I'm scared for him, myself and my younger DCs. I have a place to go if anything should happen. The police cannot get the video taken down of the vigilante operation. I don't know what to do.

I also need to address this somehow with my younger DCs (7 and 11), they're going to notice things are different in the house and possibly hear stuff in school. We are due to have a SS welfare assessment as well. I don't even know where to start with them.

I feel so lost and scared.

OP posts:
Hekatestorch · 22/08/2021 07:11

What if the 15 year old was a real person, what if he has done this before? The fact that there is video evidence shows that he is capable of following through from messages and keeping it private.

This is a good point. Op needs to be prepared for this, to not be the only time he has done this. There's also the possibility he has actually met up with and engaged in sexual activity with someone underage.

This could get far worse.

Op, whose opinion is it that he lack capacity to know right from wrong? Because it appears to me, that he did know it was wrong. But you say he doesn't understand consequences.

So are you saying he did know what he was doing was wrong. But he just didn't understand he could be caught? Or understand that what he was doing has consequences for anyone?

Because not having capacity to know right from wrong is different to not understand consequences.

HollyGrail · 22/08/2021 07:17

I would say you need advice from SServices. I dont' know where he can go if he isn't able to look after himself. Perhaps they find somewhere.
People posting that this or that must happen - if you don't have the wherewithall is a bit pointless.

MrsG30 · 22/08/2021 07:18

This sounds awful OP, I’m sorry that this has happened.

He needs to be away from your younger DC. Work closely with SS, sadly they deal with this a lot so will be able to advise.

Soubriquet · 22/08/2021 07:22

I’m sorry op but from everything posted it sounds like he did know what he was doing

Your instincts are going to want to protect your child and I do not blame you for that, but SS are not going to see it the same way

MoonlightTwilight · 22/08/2021 07:26

Sorry OP, no matter how you try to minimise it- your son was obviously capable to groom a CHILD into a meeting place and that makes him so dangerous ASD or not. It sounds like a very complicated thing and private thing for someone “innocent or unknowing” to do.

Your son attempted to meet a child for sex. Whether you like that or not and you are naive to believe for a moment your younger children are safe. Do the right thing OP and safeguard all your children by asking your eldest to stay somewhere he isn’t around children.

MrsRockAndRoll · 22/08/2021 07:29

@MoonlightTwilight

Sorry OP, no matter how you try to minimise it- your son was obviously capable to groom a CHILD into a meeting place and that makes him so dangerous ASD or not. It sounds like a very complicated thing and private thing for someone “innocent or unknowing” to do.

Your son attempted to meet a child for sex. Whether you like that or not and you are naive to believe for a moment your younger children are safe. Do the right thing OP and safeguard all your children by asking your eldest to stay somewhere he isn’t around children.

This from @MoonlightTwilight

Be prepared for family to not want your eldest DS living with them fir over a year. That's a huge ask

Siepie · 22/08/2021 07:30

There was a BBC article not long ago about a woman whose husband had been arrested for similar. She ended up moving areas so that her children could have a fresh start, away from people who knew what had happened. I know someone who did similar when her partner was arrested for something different.

This may be more complicated as your older son also has care needs, but I’d be prepared for the possibility of your younger children needing to move schools if it causes issues at their current school. Hopefully SS can advise you on your options.

Do any of your DC have a father who would be able to take care of them while you care for the others?

Miniroofbox · 22/08/2021 07:30

@MoonlightTwilight

Sorry OP, no matter how you try to minimise it- your son was obviously capable to groom a CHILD into a meeting place and that makes him so dangerous ASD or not. It sounds like a very complicated thing and private thing for someone “innocent or unknowing” to do.

Your son attempted to meet a child for sex. Whether you like that or not and you are naive to believe for a moment your younger children are safe. Do the right thing OP and safeguard all your children by asking your eldest to stay somewhere he isn’t around children.

This. 💯 this.
JSL52 · 22/08/2021 07:35

@arrestedhelp

For those asking, he is still lives at home, he has other disabilities alongside asd. He is absolutely no risk to the younger DCs, I accept he was talking to a younger boy in a sexual way, but the kids are at no risk from him.
Very naive statement. Did you think a 15 year old boy was also not at risk ? If he's at the point of trying to meet a child for sex , he must have looked at child abuse images. Hopefully SS can find him somewhere to go otherwise they may remove your younger children.
VodselForDinner · 22/08/2021 07:43

@50ShadesOfCatholic
There was a very similar thread yesterday that was removed because it was a troll

No, it was clearly removed because the OP was having issues with a name change, as she stated, and the deletion message confirmed this.

OP, I don’t know how much good this thread is going to do for you. I really hope that you have friends or family in real life who can support you. In the meantime, speak to the police about your concerns re: the social media posts with your address and the safety threat this poses for you and your younger kids, and then speak to social services about how and where your older son can be housed while the investigation is carried out, trial etc is held.

It’s a very complicated issue but I think you need to prioritise doing what you need to do to ensure the younger two can stay with you, and that you’re all safe.

rainbowunicorn · 22/08/2021 07:45

You really need to wake up and accept that your son is a risk to children. He groomed what he thought was a 15 year old boy and got to the point that he had arranged to meet for sex.
How do you know that there have not been other times? If you refeuse to accept this and insist that he stays in the family home your other children will be removed, and so they should be.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 22/08/2021 07:46

Does he lack capacity in the legal sense?
If so then should he be going out unsupported?

Are you sure this is a capacity issue or a mum not wanting to believe her son made these choices with full understanding?

I ask because how you deal with it, how SS will deal with it and how the police will deal with it will be different depending on whether he can or cannot function appropriately.

If he lacks capacity as you say, has these urges and does not know right from wrong then you cannot know that your other children are safe. It would be best for him to move in to a group home with support staff or to a child free home as long as he is appropriately supervised at all times.

Rachie1973 · 22/08/2021 07:47

@arrestedhelp

For those asking, he is still lives at home, he has other disabilities alongside asd. He is absolutely no risk to the younger DCs, I accept he was talking to a younger boy in a sexual way, but the kids are at no risk from him.
Regardless of how true this statement is, it becomes irrelevant. Your opinion as mother will not hold weight when it comes to safeguarding the other children.

Prepare yourself because he WILL be seen as a risk to them.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 22/08/2021 07:48

@arrestedhelp

For those asking, he is still lives at home, he has other disabilities alongside asd. He is absolutely no risk to the younger DCs, I accept he was talking to a younger boy in a sexual way, but the kids are at no risk from him.
You cannot possibly say that for sure. He will need to stay elsewhere while assessment goes on. How did he have such a level of unsupervised internet access?
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 22/08/2021 07:48

[quote lifehappened]@Soubriquet ah yes it's obviously her fault isn't it. Ffs some people boil my piss!!![/quote]
These are questions the police and social services will ask

EyebeIbewe · 22/08/2021 07:50

For everyone saying he won't be allowed to live at home; he has been returned to the house - so I suspect they have deemed there is no risk

If he needed to stay elsewhere whilst an assessment was carried out, I doubt they would have let him go home during a very stressful situation for the the OP. They would not knowingly put any child at risk like this.

clareykb · 22/08/2021 07:50

Hi, I work for social services,l and have been involved in similar several times before. Children's services will be looking at your ability to keep the other children safe so that would be that he has no time with them alone and also potentially involve checking their social media/ phones etc. They may work with you to make a safety plan which puts all this inbto writing.

anon12345678901 · 22/08/2021 07:52

If he had unrestricted internet access to do this, it shows you believed he had capacity for it. You cannot now claim he lacks it. Talk to social services and go with their recommendations. It is silly to think he is no risk to your other children, you simply do not know for sure, before he was caught for this, you wouldn't have thought him capable of it.

Tinacollada · 22/08/2021 08:03

Eye*bel
*
I do understand your logic but sadly this is not true; limited resources and what with this all happening over a weekend...,

Of course does nothing make it right but the systems are completely overwhelmed.

It would only be realistic for the OP to expect thing to kick into gear shortly and for the older son to be removed from the home.

Miniroofbox · 22/08/2021 08:03

That’s exactly right @anon12345678901 the op can’t have it both ways. If he lacks understanding then his internet access should’ve been restricted. But she didn’t do this so she clearly assessed him as having capacity.

It’s a terrible situation for her to navigate.

Eviethyme · 22/08/2021 08:03

Unfortunately he will most likely not be allowed near any under age children.

He may or may not be a risk as you see it but they will see it.

Just10moreminutesplease · 22/08/2021 08:06

Oh I’m so sorry. That must be extremely difficult to deal with.

I have no advice that hasn’t already been given but wanted to offer a hand hold Flowers.

Northernparent68 · 22/08/2021 08:11

Obviously he should n’t have been trying to meet a15 year old, but it’s a leap to say he’ll abuse his own children

Autumndays123 · 22/08/2021 08:12

Hi OP

I'm an ex-social worker and now work in child protection, so I hope what I say has some value.

Firstly, I hope you are you, I appreciate you must be reeling, it's a really awful situation.

I notice you stated he has other disabilities which mean he is not a risk, despite showing signs of being a sexual predator. I'm wondering if there additional disabilities relate to sexual function? Regardless, this will make little to no difference in the assessments Social Services undertake.

From my experience, SS will not accept your eldest remaining in the family home. He will need to find somewhere else. If you refuse, it is almost certain your younger children will be removed from your care. If he truly has been trying to groom children for sex, and social services decided he wasn't a risk and then something happened to your children, could you imagine the backlash? There is no chance they will allow this. You will also be put on some form of a support plan to ensure you do not have your son around your children.

This will not be a short-term matter. Your son will not be allowed to mix with children alone again. The fact you state he doesn't understand what he's done, almost make him more of a risk than some with capacity. How do you explain to someone that what they have done if very wrong if they have no understanding of what is meant by wrong? It's not possible.

This is a very serious matter and if you try and minimise it, SS will see you as a risk to your younger children. I'm sorry, but it's true. You have to show you can protect them and are willing to.

As others have said, I'd also be prepared for this not being the first time and/or instances of child abuse being downloaded. If this is true, it could well be a jail sentence your son is looking at.

Autumndays123 · 22/08/2021 08:14

I hope you are ok*