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Original poster

I don't know how to tell my family

117 replies

Sundropsundays · 19/08/2021 14:20

I ended my relationship with my children's dad 9 months ago. He hasn't felt ready to accept it and I'm at a loss at what to do about the house, the kids etc. I'm currently of work due to a health reason and waiting on my youngest starting school next year then I'll look for work but right now I don't know what I can do.

I've met someone else. We have been dating for a few weeks after talking for 6 months. We are getting closer and closer. But I just don't know how to tell people what's really going on. I just want to be happy and spend time with this man I've really fallen for and I want tonit feel like a criminal. Everytime I meet him I'm.worried family may see us.

I know I need to tell my children's dad. He knew we were close before but he isn't aware we've begun dating.

I've just been to my mums for a cuppa and she commented on me spending time with my single friend once night a week saying I need to remember I'm.not single and can't go out on the pull with her. It made me feel really guilty. I also know my dad is going to be furious with me and presume I'm not doing right by my children.

What would you do? I'm willing to explain more if I get replies but don't wish to make the post long. Thanks.

OP posts:

Galassia · 19/08/2021 14:35

You are an adult in charge of your own destiny. Your life choices are a matter for you and you alone as long as you are not shirking your responsibilities in caring for your children properly and ensuring that their emotional and physical needs are being met.

It’s up to you if you choose to listen to any negative remarks or criticism but as an adult you are more than capable of shutting anyone down.

Is there any particular cultural reason as to why you feel so worried about other people’s opinions?

Auntienumber8 · 19/08/2021 14:44

I would never advise dating of any sort till a period of healing and reflection have passed. I assume you started chatting after what 2 months single? It’s too soon but you have gone ahead, so horse has bolted.

Your ex has zero rights knowing what your dating life is unless his dc are involved. In theory either of you can introduce a new BF or GF but it’s better to let the other ex know.

If your just dating and dc not involved then just keep on as you are and it’s no ones business.

Original poster

Sundropsundays · 19/08/2021 14:44

He's older by 14 years and I just feel like my dad won't like it. But they have no idea that our relationship isn't on track so they may will presume its me. My children's dad and I had stopped sleeping together. Had nothing in common anymore and as lovely as he is and a great dad we just ended up doing our own thing until It felt absolutely wrong to even think us kissing etc. It's hard to explain to people because my ex is nice and it won't make sense to them as he's a good man. But you can't really tell your parents that you stopped having sex etc and grew apart. My children's dad was happy as we were but I desperately wanted to feel close to someone again.

New man makes me laugh and has some depth to him.

I only see him when the kids are asleep. So I'm being very careful and would never do anything to neglect rhem.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 19/08/2021 14:46

How old are you?

SalsaLove · 19/08/2021 14:48

How old are your children? I can’t help but think this is terrible timing for all of you.

QforCucumber · 19/08/2021 14:56

So noone knows that you've been split with your ex for 9 months? That's probably the best place to start tbh.

Original poster

Sundropsundays · 19/08/2021 14:57

33 and my kids are 3 and 6.

It's absolutely awful timing. I feel torn between moving forward and making myself a happier person with someone new and being miserable in the adult life but keeping everyone else happy.

I just feel I'm stuck. My ex just won't deal with what's clearly happening. I have waited months for him to accept it and talk to me. We haven't had sex for 2.5 years and not kissed etc either. I have had sex with this man now in the last 2 weeks. But I've not said anything yet as I feel I'm not allowed to do it.

OP posts:

MrsPumpkinSeed · 19/08/2021 14:58

You need to tell you mum and dad it's not worked out with dh.
I would have already done this to be honest.
I woundnt rush into anything with new man but I wouldnt feel guilty either. You have to live your life

Original poster

Sundropsundays · 19/08/2021 14:58

Friends know. Family don't. He won't tell his family so I can't tell mine. He's made it really hard. When I tries a few months back he sobbed into his hands and said he's got nothing left. So I ended up feeling absolutely awful and didn't know what to do.

OP posts:

Shallwegoforawalk · 19/08/2021 15:01

Stop pandering to your ex's wants. Now you need to tell your family, tell them. You know there's no chance of a reconciliation so he will HAVE to accept it. Stop giving into his emotional blackmail. You're splitting up, he doesn't get to decide what you do anymore.

LadyDanburysHat · 19/08/2021 15:01

You need to tell your parents you are not with the father of your children any more. You don't need his permission.

Are you still living with him? I'm not sure how your family can not know. It honestly sounds like a huge mess, and it seems you have rushed into this new relationship.

TwinkleTwinkle11 · 19/08/2021 15:02

Just because he hasn't told his family doesn't mean you can't tell yours op.
I can't believe you managed to keep this a secret for 9 months tbh.
Tell them

Odisia · 19/08/2021 15:06

Are you still living with your DH? And both your families think you are still together? If so, then I think you are not being fair on him. You need to make a proper break and then start a new relationship, not have this relationship with a new man behind his back.

Original poster

Sundropsundays · 19/08/2021 15:10

Its been really hard. I only just met up with the man I like because I was hiding stuff hoping we could sort ourselves out before. He just won't discuss it.

I feel sometimes I'm going with my heart. New guy is everything I like on a person. Yes I wish he was younger etc. But nobody has ever made me feel like he does. There's a lovely balance between us that I've never experienced.

The situation is sad. It really is.

OP posts:

minipie · 19/08/2021 15:20

So you’re still living with your H because you felt guilty when he cried.

You haven’t told your parents because he hasn’t told his, and because “you can't really tell your parents that you stopped having sex etc and grew apart”.

Which is it OP? Either you’ve separated in which case you leave, now, or you haven’t separated, in which case you are having an affair.

Basically you feel guilty that you are breaking up your family and marriage without sufficient reason, you don’t want to upset anyone except your H, so you haven’t done anything to actually leave or even tell your family or kids. Instead you’ve started sleeping with someone else on the side.

You’re really not coming off well here. Either be honest with everyone, leave your H, and then see new man (carefully, gradually, not introducing him to DC for a long time) or stay, try to make things work with with H and forget new man. You can’t have both, it’s called an affair.

Changethetoner · 19/08/2021 15:20

You are still living in the same house as your ex, aren't you? Is one of you on the sofa?

Yes the situation is sad. But there are practical things you have to deal with. Like telling the children. And family. Otherwise of course you will feel furtive and wrong and doing something illicit. When actually, you are prefectly entitled to have another adult relationship. But get it out in the open!!

Changethetoner · 19/08/2021 15:22

I mean telling the children about splitting up with their Dad (not the new boyfriend).

Original poster

Sundropsundays · 19/08/2021 15:28

We sleep separately yes have done for 2 years.

It's not an affair as I ended things and he was sat at the table when we had the conversation. I gave it a month and reminded him. Gave him another month..he broke down. Since then we've just lived qt the same house but don't apart.

We have a mortgage. It was mine for 12 years and he's been on it 8 now. He's paid for it all for 3 years whilst I've been off work with babies etc. So I haven't got an idea what I do now. Whether I'm entitled to anything or whether we need to sell etc. I'd like one of us to keep the house as its my family home of 62 years (my grandma's);

I have no intention of bringing the kids into it. Not sure if ti's selfish but I want to spend tbe next 6 months at least just dating and enjoying eachothers company.

I don't know how to prepare my ex. Its going to be a really difficult conversation..

OP posts:

WetBench · 19/08/2021 15:31

Your ex still lives with you and you’re scared to tell your parents? Your relationships are nothing to do with them.
Tell them you split up 9months ago and have a new partner, matter of fact. Who cares what they think, it’s your life

Howshouldibehave · 19/08/2021 15:33

So you’re living in the same house but your ex or parents don’t know that you’re with this new man? Do the kids know you’ve split up?

You need to get this all out in the open otherwise it’s an affair! You don’t have to mention sex to your parents. Explicitly

Howshouldibehave · 19/08/2021 15:34

I don't know how to prepare my ex. Its going to be a really difficult conversation

Preparing him for what?

Original poster

Sundropsundays · 19/08/2021 15:35

I just wanted some opinions and I do appreciate it. I don't understand my ex and what he thinks we still have. I do feel for him as he wasn't ready to give up.
I think I need to sit him down and tell him. I don't know how to word it.
He doesn't like this guy because he's older and in his eyes Stole me from trying to fix things. We also stopped speaking for a while due to how complex things were. So he doesn't know we speak.

Do you honestly think it's acceptable to be spending time with a new man. Am I cruel? I feel it...

OP posts:

Original poster

Sundropsundays · 19/08/2021 15:36

@Howshouldibehave

How should I tell him I've started seeing this man now and want to continue. He doesn't like him and will be really unhappy. It does seem so wrong based on keeping family in the dark.

OP posts:

Gazelda · 19/08/2021 15:38

I'd advise telling new man you need 6 months to get your life ordered, then you can resume dating.

In the meantime, make the separation formal with DH. Get him to Make alternative living arrangements. Tell the DC. Tell your family. Get a solicitor to advise on the legalities.

Have some space, then you can resume the dating with a clear head.

CatrinVennastin · 19/08/2021 15:39

Sounds like a right mess as you have gone from one relationship straight to another.

Are your parents controlling? Is that why you can’t tell them?

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