I don't know how to tell my family

[Sundropsundays]

I ended my relationship with my children's dad 9 months ago. He hasn't felt ready to accept it and I'm at a loss at what to do about the house, the kids etc. I'm currently of work due to a health reason and waiting on my youngest starting school next year then I'll look for work but right now I don't know what I can do.

I've met someone else. We have been dating for a few weeks after talking for 6 months. We are getting closer and closer. But I just don't know how to tell people what's really going on. I just want to be happy and spend time with this man I've really fallen for and I want tonit feel like a criminal. Everytime I meet him I'm.worried family may see us.

I know I need to tell my children's dad. He knew we were close before but he isn't aware we've begun dating.

I've just been to my mums for a cuppa and she commented on me spending time with my single friend once night a week saying I need to remember I'm.not single and can't go out on the pull with her. It made me feel really guilty. I also know my dad is going to be furious with me and presume I'm not doing right by my children.

What would you do? I'm willing to explain more if I get replies but don't wish to make the post long. Thanks.

Honestly, I think it’s waaaaaaay too soon for you to be seeing someone else.

Sort out the mess you’re in with your “ex” first. Right now he’s not an ex in anyone’s eyes except yours.

@Sundropsundays

I think you need to be honest with the your ex dog him down and tell him the truth

And then make some better living arrangements do not stay living with him because he cried

It's much fairer to be honest and not have this stress - also your kids are so little you do need to prioritise them aswell so talk to your ex about who is having them when then when you are settled into a new routine things will be better

I think I need to sit him down and tell him. I don't know how to word it.

We split up nine months ago. We need to get in with our lives and you cannot continue living with us. We have to move on and do it in a way that’s as good for our children as possible. I am happy to go to counselling to help with this but we have split up and that will not change.

Until you’ve sorted that out properly, I would park this new relationship. You’ve already got enough mess to deal with.

@Sundropsundays

Sorry "sit" him down

I think you need to stop worrying about telling people about your new relationship and focus on the practicalities of your situation. You need to file for divorce and your ex needs to move out. You need a solicitor. You need to tell your parents you ate split up, it doesn't matter if he won't tell his family. You really need to sort all this out before moving on with something new.

Seriously?? This is as old as the hills.

You need to stop playing around with this other man and start making plans to formally separate from your ex.

You’re using this other man as an escape mechanism and you’re not facing up to the reality of the situation. Whilst your ex is still living in the property, you’re effectively having an affair because it’s all being done sneakily. That’s part of the thrill.

See a solicitor about getting a formal separation and give your ex a deadline to leave. It’s really not that hard once you make a start.

Stop and slow down. You aren’t doing things in the right order and it’s going to end up exploding in your face. If this man is all that, then he’ll wait for 6 months whilst you get your life in order.
Grow a back bone and tell your family you have separated from your husband.
Sit down with husband and work out how you will split things. If he cries and avoids then book in for mediation. If he avoids that then give him written notice.
Sort out living arrangements
Settle your kids into new home / not living with their dad etc

Then tend to your sex needs/ new relationship needs.

Otherwise it basically looks very bad on you.

You really should have a longer time lapse, to sort your head out now. the other man should know this, and be there later, if things work out for you.. Living with some secrecy,is not good for you, however much you are liking the feelings you have for this other man. I wouldn't like to be in this situation, as it can affect the family in many ways, despite you being able to have another man in your life.

"He won't tell his family so I can't tell mine."

Oh yes you can and I'd advise ripping that plaster straight off.

"Mum, Dad, I need to tell you that me and Steve broke up 9 months ago. We haven't been a couple in the real sense of the word for 3 years now. Sorry I didn't tell you sooner but Steve has made this very difficult for me, insisting I keep it a secret".

Job done.

I'm sorry, op, but your being very irresponsible and foolish. It's like you're throwing a grenade into your own life and worrying about the fallout later. You shouldn't be seeing this new man until you get your marriage and living arrangements sorted. It's just a mess, honestly, and will only lead to more heartache and problems.

Yep, deal with your current partner first and you're under no obligation to tell him you're dating. But I think it's too soon personally and I would give it some time before you plough head first into another relationship, spend your spare time with your kids for now

You’re in a right mess because you haven’t properly ended it with your ex and drawn a clear line. Sounds like you have ended the relationship in your head but not in any practical sense because you haven’t told people and are still living together. I’d bet anything that your ‘ex’ still considers this a blip and that you’ll go back to normal. Entering into another relationship in this situation was very foolish and whatever happens now it’s going to seem like an affair. You need to hike up your big girl pants, cool off with the new man while you sort out your current situation properly and then consider the new relationship once again when you’re properly and publicly single. But, please put your children first. They are going to need considerable time to come to terms with their parents splitting up and don’t need a new bloke inflicted on them anytime soon. Keep your dating life well away from them for a food while yet and focus on establishing a positive co parenting relationship with their dad.

In short, fgs slow down and take a few steps back, do things properly and then move forward. Cautiously.

So, you’re not working and won’t be for another 12 months plus? In the meantime your children’s father lives with you and pays all the bills - I assume you are not married? He’s on the mortgage and has been for 8 out of 12 years - he’s likely to be entitled to a 50% share of the equity unless you had a different agreement drawn up legally when you put him on the deeds. As you are not working you can’t raise a mortgage to buy him out.

And now you’re sleeping with someone else.

I’m afraid I think your family probably won’t understand because on the face of it it doesn’t seem like you’re treating your ex very fairly.

Splitting up means hard decisions, you can’t just carry on with the status quo in order to avoid it. You can’t have a fun new relationship right now guilt-free.

You need to discuss how & when you will sort out the house situation, custody of the children etc.

You don't need your exs permission to end your relationship properly and tell people.

I think you need to seperate the two issues - separation from husband and new boyfriend. No one needs to know about the new boyfriend right now and in fact it will just complicate matters for you, as well as tie you a bit to the new guy when you should probably just be enjoying being single and dating people and finding yourself after the separation.

Step 1: properly separate from husband, seperate homes and tell parents

Step 2: enjoy dating in private and see how things go with new guy (in my experience of my own life the one straight after a serious long term relationship is usually a bit of a rebound thing but of course that might not be the case for you).

Step 3: IF and only IF you feel that you want to become serious with new guy and he agrees and you’re ready to be committed and meet each other’s families, then you can tell your parents about your new relationship.

I would advise you to sort your separation first and take things SLOW with new guy, of course have great sex but you’re embarking on a new chapter in your life and deserve some time to think about what you want that to look like. Where do you want to live, what work will you do, what is your ideal partner. There’s no reason you can’t date a few different people and dip your toe into single life again. It’s a bit sad to go from sexless marriage straight into something serious without a break in between to gather your thoughts and get to know yourself again.

Also (again just my experience) often when something is missing in a relationship (eg sex) you swing wildly in the direction of the missing thing with the next one, and then sort of come to and realise you want something nice in the middle. A little bit like goldilocks with the porridge .

Are you married, OP?

It sounds like you haven’t really split from your partner, you haven’t told anyone or made plans about where you will live - why? You need to get this all sorted first.

Thank you. No we are not married.

My parents are not terrible but I think they will be disappointed and worried.

I just want to enjoy seeing new man 2 or 3 times a week when it doesn't affect the kids.

I need to definitely speak with him more this weekend perhaps.

It does feel like an affair yet it shouldn't as I've been honest with my ex at every step.

I need to definitely speak to him at the weekend perhaps

What is making this so difficult for you OP?

I'm sorry OP but it seems like an affair to me. You can't just tell yourself a relationship is over and that makes it over. You need to take the practical steps to end it. I guarantee that your DP doesn't think it's over because you're still living together as a family and he's paying all the bills.
You're being very unfair on your DP and on your children. Im sorry if I sound harsh, but you need to start acting like a grown up here.

What is your plan to actually split up with your children’s father?

It’s not OK to be ‘split up’ but your living costs all paid by him whilst you see another man 2-3 times a week, is it? Not really.

You need to separate your lives before you start seeing someone else. It’s quite emotionally cruel to your ex otherwise. Imagine if the situation was reversed, OP - how would you feel in his shoes?

Basically what you’ve done here is not ‘split up with your ex’ but ‘forced my children’s father into an open relationship’.

You seem to be wanting your cake and eat it? Who’s paying the mortgage?

You need to sort your situation out before thinking about dating another tbh.
I think because you've had no affection from your ex and your getting it from another man you think it's a different level of connection if that makes sense.

Tell your family, they'll more than likely be more hurt you haven't told them after all these months.

Sorting your living situation out, one of you needs to move out. And you also need to be paying your half of the mortgage.

This is what I mean though. I don't want to be in this situation he has shutdown. I want us to deal with it.