I don't know how to tell my family

[Sundropsundays]

I ended my relationship with my children's dad 9 months ago. He hasn't felt ready to accept it and I'm at a loss at what to do about the house, the kids etc. I'm currently of work due to a health reason and waiting on my youngest starting school next year then I'll look for work but right now I don't know what I can do.

I've met someone else. We have been dating for a few weeks after talking for 6 months. We are getting closer and closer. But I just don't know how to tell people what's really going on. I just want to be happy and spend time with this man I've really fallen for and I want tonit feel like a criminal. Everytime I meet him I'm.worried family may see us.

I know I need to tell my children's dad. He knew we were close before but he isn't aware we've begun dating.

I've just been to my mums for a cuppa and she commented on me spending time with my single friend once night a week saying I need to remember I'm.not single and can't go out on the pull with her. It made me feel really guilty. I also know my dad is going to be furious with me and presume I'm not doing right by my children.

What would you do? I'm willing to explain more if I get replies but don't wish to make the post long. Thanks.

@peridito

Just for those jumping in with comments and who aren't able to read the whole thread

OP AND PARTNER ARE NOT MARRIED

I know, I personally feel it makes it worse as the OP is happy for her ex boyfriend to fund her despite having a new one.

You are being a bit of a wet flannel, and quite lazy too. I know that sounds harsh, but you aren't being fair.

Take control, tell him it's over once and for all. You owe it to your family, to him, to your kids. Tell him he needs to make arrangements to move out. Get on with it basically.

Sundropsundays your not married so you wont be taking 'anything' off your partner. If anything he now has a home that he has been paying towards for a few years now and is likely in a position to buy you out and get you to leave. He could also state the DC stay with him as he can provide a home for them. You really are using this poor man. You say you want to separate but havent done anything about it as you dont work and he have no where to go. So sounds like your just waiting until you can get a job next year or maybe your hoping your new bloke will have you move in.

So you’re basically living in your boyfriend’s house, don’t really want to be with him any more but are happily continuing to let him support you as you don’t work . You have now have started seeing another man, but haven’t told anyone about this?!

Nice.

You haven't ended your relationship or dealt with doing anything to actually separate. Your giddiness about the new man just sounds like denial and escapism - "I'm too scared to exit my relationship but here is my knight in shining armour here to rescue me so I don't have to face it".

I ended my relationship with my children's dad 9 months ago. He hasn't felt ready to accept it and I'm at a loss at what to do about the house, the kids etc

So you haven't separated or done anything to separate. And now your best suggestion is that he agrees for you to start going on date nights whilst still continuing as if you were a couple? Come on now.

Stop. Stop the affair with your fantasy saviour. Stop pretending to the world you're still in a relationship. Stop burying your head in the sand.

See a solicitor about the house. Work out your budget as a single parent. Find somewhere new to live or buy him out. TELL YOUR CHILDREN WHAT IS HAPPENING. Get yourself sorted out. Spend time single adjusting - once you have fully and properly separated and live apart.

Then after all of that has happened and you have spent time as a genuinely single woman grieving, healing and adjusting - and supporting your children through the same process - then you look at dating. Only then.

Right now you sound disconnected from reality and that will catch up with you when this all comes crashing down. Be responsible and deal with this properly before that happens.

Children can have food and shelter but be neglected psychologically and emotionally. Carrying on like this is not fair on them.

I have to say I don't know if I am pretty horrified by this OR, if I am missing something.

Because it appears to me that OP has told her dp it's over, but he isn't having it.

She, however, has actually don't anything to move the split forward. At all. Hasnt looked at her options, spoke to her family. Hasn't sought advice about what will happen to the house.

So it appears to everyone, including dp that she is still in a relationship. So her dp is paying all the bills and supporting op and their kids. While op sees this man 'when the kids are in bed', so dp must be looking after the kids while she goes out. Or is op having him in the house while the dp works? Or are the kids in the house alone.

Op then has a plan where she magically, finds herself financially independent, and living as a single parent and able to see this man 2 or 3 nights a week, but also insists she doesn't want the kids involved with him. So op, must be expecting dp to pursue and get at least 50:50.

Op it really sounds like your are taking the piss out of your dp and stringing this out until you can get a job. And are actually having an affair. You are also prioritising your time with the new man instead of sorting things out.

Negotiating every other Saturday night, so you can see the other man, is not priority. Making steps forward to actually split up, is the priority.

Firstly go and see a solicitor pronto and find out about your rights on the house . That’s a start .

Don’t get involved with anyone until you get your situation clear .

Then ask your ex to move out .

Of course you are not a monster, but what you are doing is wrong and irresponsible.

You can make different choices and change your behaviour though.

How did you meet your new fella OP? You say you were chatting for 6 months before meeting...was it a dating site?

I agree with previous posters - if your relationship with your kids' dad is over then you need to end it properly. Sort the house, establish a new routine with the kids and make sure they are settled and happy, get yourself a good social life as a single person and then start dating. Going from one relationship to another is rarely a good idea, especially when there are small children involved

Does your partner know you are separated? It sounds like he thinks there is room for reconciliation.

It's coming across that you and your new boyfriend are the only ones who know you are 'separated' .

Whatever about starting this relationship while still discussing separation with your partner, that's a whole seperate issue. What is important here is speaking to your partner and laying it out that you are done with your relationship, the relationship is over, one has to move out, you are in a new relationship, you are to arrange together how to tell the children. Don't be arranging nights out with him, you'll confuse him completely. Just stand in front of him and ask him does he know the relationship is over. You're saying he's refusing to discuss it, well if you're standing in front of him relaying this information he has to listen.

I don't think you need to tell him about 'other guy' (OG). But I do think you need to put OG on the back burner until you get this situation straightened out and are formally and physically separated. You need to catch your breath and let your 'world' settle. Right now you are so caught up in the unhappiness of your current 'relationship' and the thrill of OG that you aren't seeing any possible 'danger signs' in moving too fast. Frying pan, fire, remember?

The time for 'discussing' is over. It's time to say "DP, we need to separate, permanently. As of right now I no longer consider us a couple in any meaning of the word. This means that both of us are entitled to live henceforth as single people and all that entails. In addition, you need to make arrangements to move elsewhere within the next . I will be telling my parents all of this on ". Then tell them.

But married or no, you really need to see a solicitor with regards to the house and any child maintenance that may be payable. You've really shot yourself in the foot by putting him on any of the house papers (deeds or mortgage). Unless he's unbelievably unselfish (and I wouldn't be), you're either going to have to buy him out or sell the house and split the proceeds.

It's coming across that you and your new boyfriend are the only ones who know you are 'separated'

This.

You also need to physically separate from this chap and let him get on with his life

I feel sorry for your kids being brought up in this. It’s no way to live
Sort out your relationship and living arrangements.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss - I felt it was important to clarify absence of marriage because of the financial situation .

Not to highlight whether the OP's actions were morally right or wrong .

How did things go op?

@Howshouldibehave

So you’re basically living in your boyfriend’s house, don’t really want to be with him any more but are happily continuing to let him support you as you don’t work . You have now have started seeing another man, but haven’t told anyone about this?!

Nice.

Exactly this

You sound extremely selfish your poor children being subjected to this