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Original poster

I don't know how to tell my family

117 replies

Sundropsundays · 19/08/2021 14:20

I ended my relationship with my children's dad 9 months ago. He hasn't felt ready to accept it and I'm at a loss at what to do about the house, the kids etc. I'm currently of work due to a health reason and waiting on my youngest starting school next year then I'll look for work but right now I don't know what I can do.

I've met someone else. We have been dating for a few weeks after talking for 6 months. We are getting closer and closer. But I just don't know how to tell people what's really going on. I just want to be happy and spend time with this man I've really fallen for and I want tonit feel like a criminal. Everytime I meet him I'm.worried family may see us.

I know I need to tell my children's dad. He knew we were close before but he isn't aware we've begun dating.

I've just been to my mums for a cuppa and she commented on me spending time with my single friend once night a week saying I need to remember I'm.not single and can't go out on the pull with her. It made me feel really guilty. I also know my dad is going to be furious with me and presume I'm not doing right by my children.

What would you do? I'm willing to explain more if I get replies but don't wish to make the post long. Thanks.

OP posts:

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 19/08/2021 17:21

I suspect he will busily tell people you've been having an (emotional, at the very least) affair - and he's not completely wrong, is he? But you can't worry too much about that now. Concentrate on making sure he and your family know you're finished.

TwinkleTwinkle11 · 19/08/2021 17:22

@Sundropsundays

I agree. I am going to speak to him tonight about us both having a Saturday evening to go out each month and try and make him understand I'm wanting to live a life again. I also will ask him to discuss the house and plan going ahead. I really don't like the set up and I can see why people on here think I'm taking the biscuit. But I wanted this sorted months ago and its really difficult.

I wouldn't 'ask' I would I say we're going to sit down tonight and sort stuff out, we'll do it once DC are in bed.

Original poster

Sundropsundays · 19/08/2021 17:23

@NowEvenBetter

That's abit childish of you. He hasn't had sex with me for 3 years or shared a bed. We don't talk about anything of interest or laugh anymore either. It's just sad it's happened.

Why am I a bad person because there is someone who I can get along with as we have similar ideas, views and interests. We like the same food. We click and enjoy being together.
I'm not a horrible monster I've had 3 boyfriends in my entire life!

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/08/2021 17:24

Stop asking him and start telling him.

He is never going to be happy to split up with you so there's no motivation for him to be proactive.

Tell him you're going to be seeking legal advice on how best to progress if he won't sit down and discuss next steps regards the split, because you can't live in limbo any more and want to make sure you're both adequately prepared for the next steps.

If he won't talk then follow through and get some legal advice.

minipie · 19/08/2021 17:25

The house is very tricky. I expect he will be deemed to own a large share having contributed for 8 years and then paid fully for 3 years and with his name on it. Realistically it may have to be sold unless you can come up with a way to buy him out (maybe he will agree to defer the buy out but maybe not).

If you want to move on with your life you may need to accept selling the house is the cost of that.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/08/2021 17:29

And just tell your parents!

They are your parents, it's your right to tell them this news not his right to force you to keep it as a secret.

Tell him tonight you'll be telling them and that things need to start moving so you can both start establishing safe, steady homes for your children and work on how to coparent effectively in their best interests.

Which is why I think you need to put the kids first and put new guy on ice for 3/6 months completely.

Your focus needs to be sorting out the house and the children, not also dealing with the added complicated of a new relationship. It will be distracting for you but also add fuel to the fire with your ex at a time when it's beneficial for everyone involved (your kids included) for you two to be as amicable as possible.

RosesandPumpkins · 19/08/2021 17:33

Just because he won’t admit it doesn’t mean you can’t. Tell your family that you’ve separated. Do it this week. You don’t need their feedback or advice, you’re informing them.
One thing at a time.

NowEvenBetter · 19/08/2021 17:34

‘Childish’ aye 😂 cool. Good luck finding somewhere to live.

Outbutnotoutout · 19/08/2021 17:36

Take control
Start a divorce

CanICelebrate · 19/08/2021 17:38

@Sundropsundays Do your children know you’ve split up?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/08/2021 17:41

He must know anyway if you’re out three nights a week ……

RogersVideo · 19/08/2021 17:41

This a bit awful. You told your DP it was over, but have made no effort to actually split with him. You seem to be waiting for the person who doesn't want to end it to sort it all out?

You say you don't want to hurt your DP, but dragging the situation out and shagging someone else before he's even out the house is definitely going to do that!

You need to be firm and sort this out.

HelenHywater · 19/08/2021 17:44

I don't understand why you're being so passive here.

Go and see a solicitor, start the divorce process. Tell your parents - you're 33 and don't need their approval.

If nothing else your children are just going to be so confused by all of this. They think this is a normal relationship, and you're modelling it to them. Come on! Get on with your life

Bellringer · 19/08/2021 17:46

Be a grown up. You don't want permission for a night out, you want out
Start divorce, you both need independent legal advice and a plan, or go to relate then mediation. Sort it out, no boyfriends. Reconcile or go.

NoSquirrels · 19/08/2021 17:46

@Sundropsundays

No.

If you have split up, tell everyone.
Force the conversation about the future.
As soon as everyone knows, they’ll want to understand your and your ex’s plans for the house/the future.

None of this ‘live a life again’ by going out on Saturdays but everything else stays the same.

NoSquirrels · 19/08/2021 17:48

When you say you ‘wanted it sorted’ what were you imagining would happen?

As a PP says, you seem to think it’s his job to come up with a plan of the logistics of you splitting up, when it’s your idea.

Be proactive.

minipie · 19/08/2021 17:52

I am going to speak to him tonight about us both having a Saturday evening to go out each month and try and make him understand I'm wanting to live a life again

Sorry but this really, really makes it sound like you want to have your cake and eat it. Everything stays the same domestically but you get to have a single life too.

You shouldn’t be talking about Saturdays out. You should be talking about moving out - either putting the house on the market or one of you renting half off the other, so both of you can move on. And telling your parents. And the kids.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 19/08/2021 18:09

First step You need to tell your parents, his parents and your kids. I think you will feel less like having an affair if everyone knows it's over.

Second step You need to get estate agents round and work out if you want to sell the house , buy him out or have him buy you out. You don't need his permission. Maybe he needs to see that you are serious by your actions.

Third step If you're married you should start the divorce paperwork. As the person who wants out, you should start this off and pay for it.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 19/08/2021 18:20

Saturdays out are the least of your worries. Your focus should be on telling your family and kids and getting the ball rolling on the practical stuff because once it's out, you will want to get out of there even quicker than you do now

Calmdown14 · 19/08/2021 18:26

Christ OP you really aren't listening. Saturday nights out aren't going to fix this.
You have completely avoided the issue of why you can't have this discussion now, tonight and tell your parents tomorrow.
You think you are being kind but you are being cruel. This situation isn't fair on anyone. Your child will presumably going to school.
Use this as the reason if you must. It's totally unfair to put your husband's needs before your eldest who should have a bit of time to start to understand before they go back

Comtedemontecristo · 19/08/2021 18:28

Ask yourself what the real issue is?

Is it finances, how can you manage without your partner's wage? Will you lose your home? etc

Is it what others will think of you?

Is it whether you might lose your new man?

Once you get to the heart of the matter it will be easier to make some decisions.

Unlike other posters, I would be tempted to tell your OH that you consider you both to be in an open relationship and can go out with other people. Then he will be forced to accept the new reality.

Hekatestorch · 19/08/2021 18:39

You don't appear to have made any steps apart from 'I want to split up' which you repeated a few times, then started seeing someone else.

Have you looked at benefits that would be available to you? For when you live separately.

Sought any advice on what would be a good way to split the house? Because it's unlikely you will be able to get mortgage to buy him out. Have you looked at where you would live?

AllTheSingleLadiess · 19/08/2021 18:46

@Sundropsundays

As the person who wants to leave you need to get an estate agent in and work out would you want to buy him out, have him buy you out or sell and move somewhere new. Once you've worked out what you can do make him an offer which he can accept or counteroffer on.

Prioritising the Saturday nights rather than just telling people and getting practicalities sorted makes it look like the relationship broke down because you had an affair which is clearly not what you want when you are worried what others think. Agreeing to an open marriage until you have a job next year is pretty cruel to the ex. Do him a favour and work on practicalities so he knows you mean that it's over so that he can start moving on rather than bury his head in the sand

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/08/2021 18:52

Sorry but this really, really makes it sound like you want to have your cake and eat it. Everything stays the same domestically but you get to have a single life too

I know. Can you imagine if a man posted he didn’t work yet could go out and date and expected the other parent to finance everything and look after the children? I hope he’s not paying for the dates as well.

peridito · 19/08/2021 18:52

Just for those jumping in with comments and who aren't able to read the whole thread

OP AND PARTNER ARE NOT MARRIED

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