I don't know how to tell my family

[Sundropsundays]

I ended my relationship with my children's dad 9 months ago. He hasn't felt ready to accept it and I'm at a loss at what to do about the house, the kids etc. I'm currently of work due to a health reason and waiting on my youngest starting school next year then I'll look for work but right now I don't know what I can do.

I've met someone else. We have been dating for a few weeks after talking for 6 months. We are getting closer and closer. But I just don't know how to tell people what's really going on. I just want to be happy and spend time with this man I've really fallen for and I want tonit feel like a criminal. Everytime I meet him I'm.worried family may see us.

I know I need to tell my children's dad. He knew we were close before but he isn't aware we've begun dating.

I've just been to my mums for a cuppa and she commented on me spending time with my single friend once night a week saying I need to remember I'm.not single and can't go out on the pull with her. It made me feel really guilty. I also know my dad is going to be furious with me and presume I'm not doing right by my children.

What would you do? I'm willing to explain more if I get replies but don't wish to make the post long. Thanks.

I think you need to let go of the other man for the time being.

If your relationship is over, sort out who’s buying who out of the house or sell it and finalise things.

You can’t expect him to pay all the bills and have the children whilst you go out and date three times a week surely??

Telling your family and making it official might get him to stop burying his head in the sand. You need to make the break up official. If he won't then you need to find a way to.

@Sundropsundays

This is what I mean though. I don't want to be in this situation he has shutdown. I want us to deal with it.

What your partner is doing is irrelevant. He may have shutdown but that doesn't mean you have to. You are well within your rights to tell anyone you wish that your relationship is over, and you should. The way you're handling things right now is only making your life much more complicated.

@Sundropsundays

This is what I mean though. I don't want to be in this situation he has shutdown. I want us to deal with it.

The reason you can’t ‘deal with it’ is that you have no financial solution to the housing issue. That’s job one for you.

Because you’ve got no bargaining power otherwise. You can’t move out and force the split because you have no income. He doesn’t want to move out and you can’t make him.

So how will you support yourself independently of your ex? Figure that out. Go and get advice on benefits etc. Have some solutions to offer.

You can tell your friends and family you are splitting up though. Do that ASAP.

@Gazelda

I'd advise telling new man you need 6 months to get your life ordered, then you can resume dating.

In the meantime, make the separation formal with DH. Get him to Make alternative living arrangements. Tell the DC. Tell your family. Get a solicitor to advise on the legalities.

Have some space, then you can resume the dating with a clear head.

All of this x 1000000

@pleasekeeptotheright

"He won't tell his family so I can't tell mine."

Oh yes you can and I'd advise ripping that plaster straight off.

"Mum, Dad, I need to tell you that me and Steve broke up 9 months ago. We haven't been a couple in the real sense of the word for 3 years now. Sorry I didn't tell you sooner but Steve has made this very difficult for me, insisting I keep it a secret".

Job done.

This is a really good way of explaining it to people OP, please read this.

I know you won’t want to do this at all but I think the sensible thing is to ditch the new guy. It’s just too soon to jump into another relationship, you’re still living with your ex and nobody knows you have split! It’s just too messy to drag a third party into this.

I think you’re focusing on the wrong things here. It doesn’t matter how much your parents judge you, you desperately need to sort your housing and financial situation out.

You’re treating your ‘ex’ horrendously. I’m willing to bet that a huge chunk of your reticence to actually force the separation to become official is because he’s paying for everything. Do you actually have a plan for how to support yourself and your children without him? Seems to me like you’re trying to have your cake and eat it, while blaming him.

Just tell your parents with the wording suggested up thread. Unless you tell them, it's not really real and you are preserving his hope.
Don't tell him about your new relationship. You haven't even told your kids. It's inappropriate and you'll come out the bad guy whether it is fair or not.
Tell your husband tonight that at 8pm you are phoning your mum and this weekend you tell the kids. It must be done before your eldest goes back to school. They should have time to come to terms with it a bit

You can tell your family and must,if your ex doesn’t want to tell his then that’s up to him.

Just a simple I need to let you know we split 9 months ago, he left, it wasn’t working and this was the way forward, havent said anything before as I needed toget everything sorted and my mind round it all. I don’t want to discuss the details and I know you will trust me in that it’s the best thing for everyone

If you want to tell them you have met someone new then do so, or dont until l you know where it’s going

I'd absolutely hate to be treating him badly. I have honestly asked him whether we should look into things and he's very much been there's no need right now. I have contributed alot into this property. I paid the 12 grand deposit. I paid the mortgage for 8 years. I don't contribute now but he's also benefited from my investment into this house as he never had to come up with deposits etc. So I do like to think we are equal. I don't like the situation though and agree he shouldn't be supporting me. Its just he's not wanted to discuss things going ahead.

I don't want to bring family into the new guy yet. I really don't. But selfishly I do like him alot. He is someone I speak with alot and we really do bounce of eachother. But I don't have the answers yet going forward. Letting him go would be very difficult as I value him so much and we have had conversations and long term he sees us together full time and he is very respectful in regards to my ex etc.

I don't want to have my cake and eat it. In an ideal world we'd be discussing how we can separate etc. I just didn't want to destroy him completely and he's not been easy. Even when I told him about this new guy he's been very much in denial and I'll wait and see. I've told my friends and they also think it's crazy how he's reacted.

I never wanted any of this. Its just at the point now where I have given in to what I want. U waited 6 months to have a date and sex with someone I really was connecting with. I really did try to let things settle. But I know I need to speak with him again and say that we need to be honest with what we are now as it's holding us both back.

I really would pay into the house if I could. I am under the hospital to get to the bottom of severe periods that leave me unable to leave the house for a week. I hope my situation can be sorted so I can work next year when both kids are at school. I know it's a mess and I don't want it to be.

The hardest thing is there's no hate. We just grew apart and stopped being intimate. We can't get that back.

It also is abit of a case of what do I do financially so the kids have a home and we have what we need. But that's something I wanted to discuss in December and he's never been ready.

I'm genuinely shocked at this. As PP have said, if your relationship is genuinely over (and from your side, it clearly is), then you need to take steps to live independently.
Currently, you have no income and rely entirely on your H's.

It is no good telling yourself that your new relationship is all fine. If you have ended it with your H you need to take the practical steps to make that meaningful, including getting legal advice, separating properly, working out finances, and establishing your own income. You really need to sort out the issue with your house in particular.

Not clear on the house issue. You say it was your family home but seem to indicate you bought it together. Are you both joint owners- joint tenants or tenants in common? Are there any formal documents stating what proportion each of you owns?

As you are not married you will be entitled to half the equity in the house unless a different split has been specified in a legal document, and CMS rate maintenance for the DC. Your ex may pay more but he is not obliged to. There may be a way to get an order allowing you to stay in the house until your youngest is 18 then sell it, but not sure how this works if you are not married.

Check what benefits you are entitled to as a single parent and as being medically unfit to work. You should be able to work out a way to support yourself and the DC even though you can't work. There will be a way.

If you can’t work or leave the house for a week maybe he’s better off staying in the house with the children and you live elsewhere. The older one/s will need to get to school etc.

I bought the house in 2009 and he went on 8 years ago. We both share it now. It was my grandma's house and my parents so I took it on after them. They wanted to downsize so I bought it so they could buy a bungalow.

Letting him go would be very difficult as I value him so much and we have had conversations and long term he sees us together full time and he is very respectful in regards to my ex etc.

Then he'll be kind enough, into you enough and respectful enough to give you six months to sort your shit out then get back in touch and see how it goes.

Having read your latest update I think you really need to end it with this man until you have sorted out your mental health issues as well as the practical issues. If he cares for you he will wait.
You're on the edge of a huge mess unless you take a step back and do things in the order you should. Sort things with your ex, work out your finances and where you're going to live, tell your family, focus on your health issues and then, and only then, once your children are settled, think about a new relationship.
I wish you well, it's not easy, but you can do.

I agree but how do I get him to discuss the future? He won't do it.

So either your ex is OK with you openly seeing new people and telling friends and family and the children it is over, whilst continuing to live in the same house and co-parent the children, still financially supporting you - or he is not.

What’s happening at the moment is that because he ‘won’t discuss it’ you’re all living a lie.

If you tell him ‘This weekend I’m telling my family we’re splitting up’ what would happen? Why don't you just do it?

If he’s genuinely accepted the situation is that you have split up, then being open about it isn’t an issue.

But you need a financial plan. You need to do that work right now to figure out what you need to support yourself.

Just tell him. Blurt it all out, he'll be listening.
But once you've said it you have to take action ASAP.
Let him know what's happening each step even if he doesn't want to discuss, say it out loud.

Are you married?

What a mess. Your boyfriend was very stupid to move into your house and contribute to the mortgage, did he sign anything? Will you be expected to pay him to leave? Why not avoid men for a while? It’s not really working for you.

I agree. I am going to speak to him tonight about us both having a Saturday evening to go out each month and try and make him understand I'm wanting to live a life again. I also will ask him to discuss the house and plan going ahead. I really don't like the set up and I can see why people on here think I'm taking the biscuit. But I wanted this sorted months ago and its really difficult.

He's on the mortgage. So he's covered and it's his house! I have no plans to leave him stuck. That's the last thing I'd do. I. Not planning on taking anything from him.