Going out to places by yourself when you have no friends

[Wobblysausage]

Not things like shopping or day to day stuff but going to the cinema, going for something to eat etc. Does anyone do it by themselves and is it as scary as I’m thinking it will be?

I’m a single parent, no partner (no chance of ever meeting anyone either) and handful of friends who never invite me to do anything or want to spend time with me unless it’s convenient for them. I’m just sick of it and sick of asking them to do things to be told they’re busy or yeah we’ll arrange something basically just fobbing me off. I’ve got the message now loud and clear, I’m only here for them when they need something and not the other way around! It’s fine, I’m not going to dwell on it, I’m going to start doing things alone so I don’t miss out! I’m just so scared though! I do have social anxiety (properly diagnosed, not just saying it for effect) so it’s even more scary for someone like me!

I want to learn how to be comfortable being alone, not rely on other people for my happiness and I figure this is a logical step to doing that! Don’t want to see it as being lonely or having no one, I want to see it as I can be happy doing it alone! If that even makes sense.

Any tips or words of reassurance that it won’t be as awful as I’m imagining?

It's fine, just get out and do it.( I learned from travelling alone.) Try the cinema first.

I'd start with the the cinema or theatre because you're not chatting to anyone there anyway. Those ones are easy. I was anxious the first time I went to the theatre by myself, but I actually prefer going alone now!

I find a meal much harder and for me not enjoyable alone, but I know people who do it regularly and really enjoy it.

National trust places are lovely and it doesn't feel odd going there alone.

Classes are another good thing to do by yourself because everyone there is by themselves and you can chat with each other or even make new friends if you want to.

Good idea, I’m going to start with the cinema, I think when Dd goes back to school and it might be quieter during the day? Thanks

Taking a book to read is a great idea! I will look less lonely I guess, more just having some alone time! Thank you

I'm in the same situation as you @Wobblysausage so have been going out alone for years. I now love solo dining. My favourite is ordering the tasting menu. 6+ courses and no one stealing any or distracting you as you eat.☺

I've also had some very interesting experiences with other solo diners. Do it.

Hi

No it won't be as awful as you imagine
I'm a single parent, most of my friends are partnered up, and although we do lots of things together, I do a lot on my own as well.
The only thing I don't like doing on my own is eating out in the evening because for me that is a really social thing.
I do out for breakfast, lunch or just for tea and cake on my own and it's fine.
Maybe start there - just go to a coffee shop, something casual, take a magazine, you won't be the only one.
I don't work on Fridays, in the winter I love going to early afternoon showings at the cinema, I take sandwiches and a flask of tea.
I do a lot on my own, comedy shows, theatre, gigs, holidays before I had my son. I don't feel conspicuous and I'm never the only one on my own.
Life is too short- get out there and enjoy it.
Good luck

I do things on my own, the odd drink, cafes, cinema and theatre. I often take things to read and enjoy people watching. Some places you feel more comfortable then others. Id say cinema is a great start. Loads of people go to cafes alone especially in the week on their lunch break or to work.

I totally agree that just because you don't have someone to go with doesn't mean you shouldn't go out. I am quite smiley and usually someone ends up chatting to
Me.

Well done you for considering this in the face of your anxiety.

I heard a tip the other day about managing new things and anxiety. It was about not wanting to be level 1/2 and deaming it a failure if your anxiety taps out at a 9/10. Its about going in thinking for the first five minutes i might be a nine but once i am settled it might be an 8. The next time i go i
Might start at an 8 and go down to a 7. Buildable and progress and realistic and kind.

Go for it, Wobbly!

First time I went into a pub on my own was when I was early to meet a colleague. She was ancient (younger than I am now, I expect!) and I was a worried youngster. She gave me a good pep talk about it being my right as much as anyone else's to be there and to hold my ground.

Now, pubs aren't my scene, but I don't think twice about popping in for coffee and a bite to eat on my own. That took some overcoming really, as I'm overweight and I used to be ashamed to be seen eating in public. Don't know exactly what happened but that worry got left behind.

Cinema? Theatre? No problem. Probably cinema would be the easiest place to start for you as you're in the dark and not meant to be chatting with your companion.

You can do this. Don't deny yourself the good things because your so-called friends don't want to go with you.

I have been doing this for 10 years since my OH died. No family and my friends arent always interested in what I want to do. Ive been to the theatre in London several times, up to museums, on short breaks on my own. I do find time hangs a bit heavy as when you are with someone you are busy chatting but take a book, or put music on and earbuds.
Most people arent interested in wondering why you are alone they are far too busy with their own lives.

Nothing wrong with going out alone, sometimes it's preferable to having to engage in constant conversation

Just take something to read or a laptop with you if you're sitting down to eat.

I know it isn't what you asked but I would try again with your friends, as well as doing things alone.

I have a friend with social anxiety and I've noticed that she always "invites" me to do things in such a vague way that it leaves the actual decisions and planning to me. I know this is because she is worried about asking too much, but it actually has the opposite effect of leaving all the responsibility to me - I know she can't help it so I don't mind at all.

I just mean that if your messages are "want a coffee sometime?" as oppose to "are you free Tuesday morning, it'd be great to grab a coffee and catch up," then you are not really inviting them out and being rejected you are just vaguely throwing a pleasantry at them.

Exercise classes and the theatre/cinema are a good call. If you feel worried about a restaurant you could go "in disguise," as a tourist. I noticed I have no qualms about eating alone when I have to travel for work, but struggle here - my DH suggested taking a lonely planet guide to our home city as a prop!

And possibly AirPods to listen to a podcast, radio or music

Another tip that might be useful-if you live in a small area then I'd suggest going to the nearest big town/city, as that way you can be more anonymous and it might help to relax you.

Also, daytime events and outings are much easier on your own. If you want to eat out, start with lunches.

NT places and tourist attractions are a great idea, as are galleries and museums.

Always take a book or magazine with you to have a flick through if you do get nervous.

And most importantly, enjoy!

I love going out on my own! Eating out I take something to read with me but apart from that I really enjoy taking things at my own pace. Go for it!

I used to go to the cinema on my own a lot. My best friend drove me mad with her endless wittering, and kept asking who people were. I think we got to the end of an art-house showing of La Dolce Vita (with subtitles) and she still hadn't got a clue who any of the characters were.

So I used to slink off on my own sometimes!

Cafés and bistros are great with a newspaper, magazine or book.

Glad to hear you're going to give it a go, OP.

I also used to like very long walks, sometimes going for days (!) and staying in youth hostels or B&Bs. I walked along Hadrian's Wall one weekend. Because I wanted to.

No idea if this is something that fits with you op, but I’m never alone with my dog. Great way to meet people, chatting on the park, and having coffee with your dog is lovely xx

Things I regularly do alone (pre Covid anyway)

• Cinema
• A local tea room with a book, a pot of tea and a nice sandwich or salad
• Long walks

I often do it by myself. Not because I don’t have friends but often no one is free when I’m free to go and organising schedules is a faff. My friends often complain I didn’t wait but I have learnt this can result in a delay of 6/7 weeks until free time to coincide and meanwhile something like a movie is long gone. I’ll organise a dinner/lunch date for when they are free but meanwhile I’ll go by myself if I feel like it although admittedly I tend to do lunch alone rather than dinner.

I wouldn't not do something just because it wasn't convenient for anyone to join me.

I'd almost always have something to read (kindle on my phone, so no need to pick a single book, I have my whole library with me) and a notebook/pen. Writing down anything that occurs to me is the equivalent of turning to a companion to say oh, isn't that interesting.

Take it easy at first, maybe look around a gallery or an exhibition then have a coffee afterwards. Likewise, you see more people eating by themselves at lunch time than in the evening.

Make a habit of doing something regularly, a coffee out after Friday lunch or Saturday morning. You get to notice how things change over the weeks, in a way that you would never notice if with a companion. School holidays / weather / seasons will all be different. I love to read notice boards, to find out what is happening. If you see something advertised that interests you, there is your next outing.

Enjoy. You have only yourself to please. You can leave early or stay an extra hour.

Once you are comfortable doing something, you might mention to a friend that you do x, maybe coffee after lunch snd ask if they would like to join you. If it doesn't work for then, you are no worse off than before.

If you find it difficult to relax in your own company when out, give yourself a scenario. You are a tour guide looking for new things to do. Whatever works for you

Please update us here when you have tried a few places. There may be small things to tweak to really enjoy the outing.

Another thing to remember is that everyone is mostly self-absorbed and won’t care what you’re doing!
I go out for meals all the time on my own, try a more casual place first if you are worried.

It's not awful at all. If I want to do something or go somewhere and no-one wants to go with me, I will happily go by myself. I don't feel self conscious and nobody seems to bat an eyelid. In fact I am going to the theatre tonight by myself.

I have been to the cinema, theatre, restaurants, places of interest by myself. I have even taken holidays and stayed in hotels alone.

I agree with pp, try the cinema or have tea and a sandwich whilst you are out. In a cafe, find a seat with a view, so you can people watch, take a newspaper or read your phone.

Don't let being single/alone stop you doing things you want to do. 💐

I went backpacking on my own so visited restaurants and attractions on my own and I can’t say I’ve ever received a second glance. I also sometimes go to opera on my own because DP and my friends aren’t really interested in it but I make it a treat for myself and get a nicer seat than I would do if I was going with someone else!
I agree start with the cinema and I think lunch is easier to start with than dinner, or alternatively somewhere that might be popular with business travellers as they are also likely to be alone.

DD goes out alone prefers lunchtimes or mid mornings for coffee drinks. Or after work for pubs, especially in town centres for the office crowds. They are busier and lively.
Music concerts or local AmDram theatres, Not threatening at all.